Tag Archives: Cayla

What a Jukeoff

TFH here, starting things off with a hat tip to SoSfDavidO and the rest of the guest author rotation for bringing you the daily snark!

Guest Page Turner Author
June 27, 2015 at 1:50 am
So Funky had the band box repaired…[b]ut he repaired the Bandbox specifically to watch these individuals dance…[i]nstead, they are jamming to the music from the jukebox. Which didn’t need fixing…[a]nd probably worked all along.

I’ll bet Les’ friends cringe anytime he starts a sentence with “I don’t know if you guys know this, but…” With Westview’s cultural totem refurbished and restored to its place of honor, Montoni’s is once again “alive with music”, if not with paying customers. Naturally Les, the walking Wikipedia, cannot resist using the occasion to school his lessers on the history and etymology of the jukebox, and is chastened by Funky—Funky!—for being a buzzkill.

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Feet Fail Me Now

SosfDavidO here! Aw, lookit! In today’s strip we get treated to Tombat’s take on the “someone who is dancing silly is interrupted by someone silently watching” schtick that was the mainstay of movie trailers in the late 90s. Cue up that record-scratch sound effect!

What’s the cause for celebration? He finished another book! Presumably the same book that Darin had given him an idea for only yesterday. Either he used 48pt font or I’m calling complete, utter, time-bending, reality-warping bulls*** on this!

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Reunion City Blues

Link To Today’s Contrivance

So let’s take a moment to recap this idiotic reunion arc. Cindy usually organizes the reunion, but she can’t this year, so she inexplicably gives Les the job. At no point does she specify “anywhere but the gym”. Les meets with the rest of the reunion committee and they spend the entire meeting fooling around with that stupid cancer book. At no time does anyone on the committee discuss a venue or mention the fact that Cindy does not want to use the gym. Then, after doing nothing, Les suddenly realizes there’s no venue for the reunion. He panics and sulks.

After Cayla suggests the school, Les discovers that Bull is running a sports-related activity in the gym that same day. So apparently Les will use his “friendship” with Bull to convince the moron to f*ck over the basketball campers so he can use the gym for the reunion. The dreams of young aspiring hoopsters put on hold so Les and his obese pals can waddle around the gym, all because Les was too lazy and mopey to find a more suitable venue. What a dick.

And now, obviously, Cindy will get all upset and berate Les, then she’ll be forced to apologize on his porch after it’s the Best Reunion Ever. That horrible dick with ears will be the f*cking hero again. And it sickens me, it really does. This mess is going to take weeks to play out, guaranteed.

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Gym-Nauseum

Link To Today’s Farce.

And as we enter the homestretch it’s “the WHS gym” making a TREMENDOUS run for the wire! Yep, it looks like we’re in for lots of sepia-toned “Les is stuck on the gym rope again” flashbacks featuring good ol’ Act I Loser Les! That’s right, folks. Way back when, before he was an award-winning author/martyr/smug obnoxious jerk whose wife tragically died, Les was a hapless dweeb! I know, I know…it’s difficult to believe, but it’s 100% true. In fact, you can visit the official FW archive site and take a gander at those old strips anytime you…oh, wait. Forget that last part.

“Six months ago”??? What? Does the reunion committee meet every two weeks or something? Why were they discussing a venue six months ago? And why didn’t they settle on one? Normally, a story starts making more sense as you add details…but not in the Funkyverse, where up is white and down is sideways and everything is coated with pizza grease, nonsensical developments and retconned nostalgia. And sometimes all the names are wrong too.

Why are there corner thingies in panel one? It’s just a flashback to six months ago, not a cherished old memory of happier days gone by. Either use them right or not at all, Author Guy! Retcon photo album corner thingies are a privilege, not a right.

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Apocalypse, Huh?

Link To Today’s Atrocity.

Whew! For a second there I thought she said “chemotherapy” and I was all like, “oh noes, not again!”. But nope, no cancer today, just a racially-insensitive and weirdly out-of-context remark from Cayla as DickFace tries desperately to think. And suddenly the “where will the reunion be?” odds shift somewhat, as Les’ house makes a bold narrative move on the outside. And by “bold” of course I mean “cripplingly stupid”.

Just look at him today…gak. He’s all worked up after totally botching his reunion organizing duties (mostly due to his incessant whining and simpering) while Cayla (correctly) browbeats him. Having that “in memoriam” board in her house might finally push her over the edge, or at least we can hope. I just can’t see how they could possibly fit that massive thundering herd into Moore Manor, I mean have you seen the size of those people? Mary Sue alone will just ruin those floor joists.

“Worse would have to come to the end of the world…”, is it just me or is that one of the clumsiest sentences ever? You’ve heard of syntax? Well, FW is syntaxing to read. And look at. And think about. And isn’t it funny how everyone in Westview speaks in cultural references from the 1950’s? I somehow doubt that young Cayla Williams spent her weekends watching “The Lone Ranger” and old westerns down at the local movie house, seeing how she was born in the late 1960s or early 1970s and all. Someone send him a link to Urban Dictionary or something.

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Luckily, The Other 1% Are Already Dead!

Link To Today’s Thing.

No one can go from maudlin to goofy quite like the BatTom can. In this week’s installment of “The Most Annoying Man In The World”, it seems that Les (who up to this point has done nothing but mope and complain) has forgotten to book a venue for the thirty-seventh-and-a-half (or whatever) class reunion, which means the entire class will despise him EVEN MORE, as unlikely as that seems. Nice work there, dingus. What a dick.

Now longtime FW readers already know what this means. When there’s an event in need of a venue, it usually means it’s Montoni’s to the rescue. After all, what other local venue even exists? So let’s take a look at the tote board and examine the “where will the WHS reunion be held?” odds, shall we?

Montoni’s – even. By far the most likely outcome, plus Funky and Holly won’t have to walk too far. And pizza!

WHS – 5-1. Les (Cayla too) does, after all, work there. He could probably finagle some sort of deal with Principal Nate and hold the reunion at WHS itself, which would be pretty weird, but definitely plausible. And sepia-toned gym rope flashbacks!

Les’ house – 10-1. Seems sort of implausible, but not totally out of the question. And it could rain!

Gazebo Park – 50-1. I suppose it’s possible and there’s the possibility of rain and maybe even lightning (aka “hilarity”), but still. I just don’t see it.

Komix Korner – 200-1. Lord knows there’s enough room, as all John would have to do is kick Owen and Alex out for a few hours. But it’s pretty unlikely, unless they go for some sort of comic book-themed reunion. Which is never totally out of the question. But I just can’t see that thundering herd making it up that staircase, not even single-file.

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CL

Link to today’s strip, when it appears.

So, I asked recently if Les Moore has ever done anything, since his “chairmanship” of the Coming Reunion Committee seems to involve him handing his duties to other people.  Apparently, the answer is “no,” since we now learn that the one job he had to do–find a location–was not done.  In fact, I’m gathering it wasn’t even discussed.

Now, this is remarkably stupid, even for this comic strip.  I’ve never planned a reunion, but I’d think one of the first items on the agenda would be to decide on a location, since everything else kinda depends on that.   But Les didn’t think of that, and not one of the ninnies he was directing thought to ask.  Wow.

So Les is a FAILURE at scouting and selecting a location, and he’s a FAILURE at heading the Coming Reunion committee.  No wonder he doesn’t want to do anything, and moans when he has to.  He’s a FAILURE at everything he does.   He should have pointed this out to Cindy right from the start and saved them all the heartburn.

Speaking of heartburn, sigh, of course we know how this little episode will resolve itself–Funky will be gracious, and somewhere near the end of this week or the next, Funky will smugly proclaim, “We don’t call Montoni’s the Chapel of Reunions for nothing!” as the class of ’78 sits down to grease-laden pizza slices.   There are times when the strip is bafflingly unpredictable, and other times when you can see the denouement coming from miles away.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that this is my 150th post on this blog.   (Hence the Latin numeral title.)  Good grief (as another well-known blockhead was wont to exclaim).  I’m not sure whether to celebrate or mourn, to be honest.   One hundred and fifty?  You blockhead!

As always, I thank you for your indulgence and your courtesy.  Tomorrow, the incomparable Epicus Doomus takes over; be prepared to be entertained as he regales you with tales that witness madness…while I ponder, weak and weary,  what my 151st post will bring, when next I resume the host’s chair.  Until then…pleasant…dreams?  Ha ha ha ha ha!

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