Please join me in sending thoughts and prayers to those affected by the horrific and senseless terror bombings in Boston.
—TFHackett
Louder
April 13, 2013 at 11:44 am
Really, studios have a whole host of writers to “help” idiots like Less pull their heads our of their asses.
…and it’s certain that Les could use some help, though he won’t find any at Montoni’s. Please tell me that Mister Stuck-Up-a-Rope-in-Gym-Class
isn’t weakly employing a sports metaphor, two sports metaphors in fact. “Seeing the stitches on the fast ball”? Well, for starters, “fast ball” in a baseball context is usually one word…and the last fastball that Les saw almost left him with stitches.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Jesus H. Christ on a Chrystal Meth Binge………..YOU FRIGGING LIVED THE STORY, LES!!!!!!
Seriously…what is there to think about to cause writer’s block? We know Les hasn’t forgotten about Lisa..since he brings her up every goddamn time without provocation. Even if he is even slightly hazy on the details…He has a copy of the book right there in his home!! Just get a scriptwriting program and copy the story passage to passage and just add stage direction. (LISA: I love you, Les! {said nauseatingly, holding back vomit})
I think the rule truth that Les is about to confess here is that he never wrote a single word of Lisa’s story. Les probably paid of a Westview high student $30 bucks to write the story. This kid realizing that the book was complete trash probably thought this was and easy way to rip off Les Moore of 30 dollars.
The other possibility is that Les pulled a Clifford Irving here and nothing in Lisa’s story is true. Maybe Lisa isn’t real and just a delusion of everyone in Westview. That would make a whole lot more sense than anything that’s ever been writing in Funky Winkerbean.
Instead of Montoni’s, perhaps Les should try something different to inspire him? How about a nice Thai meal, Les? Shake it up a little.
Of course, he would have to drive to Ann Arbor for the nearest Thai restaurant.
Funky: “Gee, Les…it’s almost as if you have absolutely no knowledge, much less experience, in writing for other media. It’s almost as if instead of trying to force yourself to do something you can’t do, you should either wisely delegate it to those who can, or at the very least educate yourself in the rules of screenwriting -before- making an attempt!”
Les: “…n-no…NO! What sort of b_____ are you spouting?!? Obviously, the real problem is that I know Hollywood is innately evil and stupid, thus cannot be trusted with my apples of gold, my pearls of wisdom!”
Funky: *face palm*
Hey guys, I was surfing the web earlier, and I came across something that tells me this “TV movie” is actually a thing! Sorry for the large file size, but I wanted to get as much detail as I could.
This thing is actually going to be on TV!
Another possibility is that “Lisa’s Story” is simply not film material. Was the book a biography of Lisa’s life, commentary about medical malpractice, cancer symptoms to watch for..? Frankly, none of those sound like things I would want to watch in theatrical form, much less read in printed form. But I ain’t no delicate genius, either. It’s too bad James Dickey is dead; I’m sure he could have given Les plenty of advice about adapting one’s own book into a screenplay AND getting to play a small role within the film.
Les’ total work output thus far:
50% stalling (including idle fantasizing)
45% complaining about how hard this job (which he insisted on doing himself) is
5.9% staring blankly at computer
.1% actual writing (“FADE IN:”)
Really efficient time management, there.
I remember when Les beamed himself in the face. That was a good day, and I’d love to see the SoSF page on it.
I’m wondering if deep down, Les actually knows that Lisa’s Story is simply not movie material, and this manifests itself with his “writer’s block”.
Beckoning: Amazing work as always.
Typical Batomic logic at work once again. Les is struggling to make a movie script that’s based on a book he wrote, a largely autobiographical book, no less. The idiocy on display here boggles the mind. What is it that’s giving him so much trouble? Is it the formatting involved with creating a script or is it the story itself? Because if it’s supposed to be the latter, it makes no sense at all. But this is a FW story, so expecting things like details and coherence is wishful thinking.
And yeah, what’s with King Dork of the Nerd Patrol suddenly tossing around baseball analogies? Hey, Sad Sack, we all have a fairly good idea of “what it is”: you suck. How about that possibility? What a dick.
Off-topic, TFH, but I just wanted to thank you. You stop to acknowledge tragedies. I honestly don’t know why this affects me as much as it does, but it just does.
On a site where we normally talk about something we hate, that’s just a really loving thing to do.
The writers block is really very easy to understand. Goatee Boy wants to be like his swishy creator – He wants to retcon the shit out of everything. Oh, it will be the same cast of goofball characters, but this story is going to be rewritten FROM SCRATCH, baby.
Of one thing, it won’t be cancer this time. Think “Flesh Eating Bacteria.” And instead of X-rays being innocently mixed up, Saint Lisa’s death will be the result of a diabolical plot by evil, right-wing, non-levy-supporting talk radio fans. “USA! USA!” And instead of Lisa slipping away in bed, then being whisked away by Masky McDeath, she will be taken up, Elijah-like, by a fiery chariot with fiery horses “in a whirlwind” to Heaven.
So Goatee Boy has a lot of work to do. But “Fade in” was a nice start.
Writing a story is indeed a creative process… But a screen-play is something technical. It’s more functionary…has a set structure/format.
Heck….not even the great Bathack can’t write a real book…. his are nothing more then collections of daily strips. TB falls short the same as his Avatar.
Both losers
Beckoning Chasm hit it out of the park with two seconds left on the clock today.
BeckoningChasm: I thought the movie poster was funny, until I saw the credits at the bottom, which was even better. Well done, sir.
Les is slowly coming to the realization that there is no actual story on which to base meaningful dialog.
“Oh, Lisa!”
“Oh, Les, I’m sick as hell.”
“Oh, Lisa!”
” ”
“Oh, Lisa?”
“xx”
“Oh.”
There, Les, are you happy now?
Perhaps he should consider using some of the plethora of screenwriting software available. There’s no reason to try to write it from scratch.
The banner is very appropriate on this sad day, TFH. Well done.
Reading a while back that Crankshaft was actually, in real life, optioned for a movie got me to thinking… maybe TB is actually depicting the Lisa’s Story movie arc realistically.
I sobered up a few hours later.
I want to express my condolences to the victims of the cowardly attack in Boston. God Bless the USA & the World.
Beckoning: You stand alone. The credits are outstanding.
Wow, it’s almost as if writing a screenplay were a completely different experience from writing a memoir, requiring entirely different training, experience and skills, and that Les was an arrogant douche for insisting on doing it in the first place!
So the story goes like this–
Les: I want to write the screenplay, despite the fact that I have no experience or training in this particular craft!
(later)
Les: Waaah! Doing something I never did before, requiring specialized skills in which I never studied or trained…is HAAAAAARD!
And the really remarkable thing is that Batboy thinks this makes Les sympathetic.
Honetly, if TomBat weren’t so intent on trying to turn The Lord of Late into a “thing,” he’d pull his head out of his hindquarters and realize that the more interesting (or at least less un-interesting) angle would be Les realizing that he’s going to have to cut at least 2/3 of his precious book out to hit the movie’s 90 minute run time.
@Beckoning Chasm, I stand in line, in the main! A quibble: if Harlan Ellison had been attached to this turkey, he would have insisted on his “Cordwainer Bird” credit.
Regarding Boston: Keep Calm and Carry On
years ago, such as Act 1 Les, I may have felt sorry for Les. But after several years of being subjected to Act II and Act II supreme smirking douchebag Les, I can muster no sympathy.
Wait, did they redesign the Comics Kingdom comments and i missed it?
BeckoningChasm: one word…”sequels”.
Well, Les has tried pretty much everything a Westviewian can do to fight his writer’s block. He’s complained, made sad faces, showered and ordered pizza. All that’s left is a visit to the Korner to see what Flash Gordon or Capt. Marvel would do in a similar situation. Hope I didn’t spoil the whole rest of the week there…
@ bad wolf – Apparently so.
The redesign uses Disqus as it’s comment software (which I hate). But it is the “description” of the comic that makes me want to puke. “…contemporary issues affecting young adults…,” my behind. Yup, Les’ writer’s block (because he doesn’t know how to use screenwriting software) is very “thought provoking and sensitive.”
Well, Comic Kingdom, your new format is certainly one way to control adverse comments.
Wait, did they redesign the Comics Kingdom comments and i missed it?
Well, it definitely did need an update: the old system was generating a lot of comments from Type Your Name…Like Bill A, I also hate Disqus. It definitely makes it harder to snark ‘n’ run. But hey: that’s what this site is for!
I just can’t believe they didn’t bother to update the “More About This Comic” section, though: it’s a weird mix of mid-Act II (“Fred is the principal of Westview High School”) and early Act III (“Summer is the 15-year-old daughter of Les Moore”). Becky is in there twice! Way to curate the brand, Comics Kingdom.
You might have noticed that the “More about this comic” has finally been updated…including all the seniors we saw graduate last year, and have barely seen since. Oh, and Lisa is still a “breast cancer survivor,” while Summer’s mother, Lisa, “died of breast cancer.”
Funky, Les, Crazy and Bull look they way they do in Act III. And no sign whatsoever of Cody and Owen.
What a truly half-ass effort.
In other news, many thanks for the compliments, folks.
One thing that amazes me is where is the producer/studio/production company in all this? We’re supposed to believe that this person/entity has written this stumblebumbling dumbass two sizable checks for this story, and yet not once has he had a discussion with them about expectations or what they’re looking for. Les apparently hasn’t even spoken to them at all. He has no idea why they wanted to produce this movie or what direction they wanted to take it. And there would be the solution to this whole stupid problem, to call up the producer and ask him what he’s looking for, because if Les produces a script that focuses on the debilitating chemotherapy parts of Lisa’s story, where the producer was more interested in her relationships with her family and how they changed, the whole endeavor is going to be a waste of everyone’s time. As a simple scriptwriter for this purchased property, Les no longer has the power to determine where this project goes. It’s above his paygrade.
And yet we’re to believe that this studio has sunk a lot into this investment but they don’t care at all about the investment if this goofball jeopardizes it all by fucking around like this.
Also, how can Les possibly not be a tub for all the pizza his shoves into his 50 year-old maw?
If I see Less’ eyebrows climbing his bulbous forehead in a look of forlorn consternation one more time, I’m gonna bounce a fast ball off his noggin!
Be fair, scripts are significantly different than books (including biographies). However, I honestly don’t think that Batiuk is going to have this end with Les admitting that he simply isn’t up to the job and handing it over to a professional script writer with an optimistic note that said script writer intends to actively seek Les’ advice (which is the best ending I can think of for this).
It is either going to end with Les overcoming his writer’s block and making a script that somehow wins an Oscar OR Les unable to write the script and the entire thing falls apart ending on yet another depressing note.
And Batiuk? While I try to avoid simply bashing your work because it’s popular to bash it, will you please stop reusing the ‘writer gets writer’s block’ idea? I didn’t really like it the first time I saw it in your strip and I haven’t grown any fonder of it since then.
Wow, deja vu, TFH.
I suspect that this storyline is going to show how Les is unable to write the script (for some noble reason, not lack of talent), and because he’s unable to do the script, the movie will not get made. It’s that simple; if the producers can’t get The Man Himself then the production will be one of those wistfully regarded Never-Was’s.
By the way, hearing Les’ dialogue as read by Eddie Deezen just never gets old. Suddenly it becomes hilarious.
Everyone’s thoughts on where this “movie-option” arc is eventually going are good ones…which is why none of them will be correct. Come up with the most boring possible premise you can, then dull-i-fy it up by, say, 200% or so. Then you’ll be in FW’s wheelhouse.
My (probably wrong) guess: he struggle with writing it for another few weeks, then, inexplicably, he’ll suddenly be finished. Then a few months from now he’ll do an incredibly half-assed arc where they watch the thing, make some witless jokes about the state of television and shed a tear or two while Dead Lisa grins moronically in the background. Expecting it to end up being a little more imaginative than that is a “rookie mistake”. Remember: dullest common denominator.
My own guess, Epicus, is that Les will end up on the porch, banter with Cayla about how HARRRRRRRRD it is, then get inspired to visit…*drumroll please* THE BENCH.
There, visited by a supportive, worshipful vision of Saint Lisa the Holy, he’ll inexplicably get an epiphany that triggers Lisa’s Story III: Tom Wants His Date Rape Awareness Award, Dammit.