Car Season

Newly minted SoSF contributor Narshe here with my first post and I figured what better way to start off my career in Funkology than by diving right in… archive deep diving right in, if you will. Today, we’ll be taking a look at Tom Batiuk’s biggest mistake.

No, not that.
Not that either.
There we go!

That’s right, the subject of our deep dive will be the character that TB has hated and despised like no other. The character whom he considers to be the biggest albatross hanging around his neck: none other than Sadie Summers! But why, oh why, did he end up disliking Sadie so much? Let’s let the man himself explain it.

Cindy, the most popular girl in the school, was coming on like gangbusters at this point, and I felt that I had barely scratched the surface of her potential as a character. I didn’t want to lose all of that, so I did something stupid. I cloned her and created her little sister/doppelgänger Sadie. Flash Fairfield, the editor who way back when had tried to school me on character development, would have been spinning in his grave at that move, and, if he weren’t in his grave, that would have probably finished him. Mea culpa, Flash. It was a totally misguided reason for creating a character. It was dumb, stupid, boneheaded, half-baked, ill-advised, risible, and done for all the wrong reasons. In an effort to not lose big-haired Cindy, I created her big-haired little sister and in doing so brought about character confusion, redundancy, overpopulation, and just about everything else that Flash had warned me not to do. And I paid the price. Sadie would limp along for a while after the time-jump, but she was and would always be a pale imitation of her big sis until she was eventually banished to the Dumb Character Phantom Zone, where she could pal around with the Moon Maid from Dick Tracy and Snoopy’s brothers Andy, Marbles, Olaf, and Spike. 

Yes, in his own words she’s nothing but “a pale imitation of her big sis” but how fair of an assessment is that in reality? My belief, however, is that Sadie does indeed represent failure on the part of Batty but not for the reasons that he thinks but am I more correct than Batty is about his own character? By taking a look at Sadie’s history and with the distance afforded by both time and not being Tom Batiuk, that’s what we’ll try and determine.

Sadie first shows up on September 25, 1991 during a week where Ginny Wolfe has decided that the students in her class should bring in their siblings as part of a discussion on family units. This is basically done as preparation for Sadie showing up in Act II so we don’t skip ahead four years to suddenly see Cindy’s previously unknown and never mentioned sister. I mean look, she was introduced about nine months before the switch over was done so see, she’s definitely a pre-existing character! By the by, Les is in this class as well and there’s a strip way back in the ’70s where he mentions having a sister. You’d think that Batty would have used this as an opportunity to introduce her as well but I guess that obscure callbacks was something he wasn’t interested in until Act III.

Anyway, the Summers girls have the type of normal and healthy relationship all siblings have. Some times they fight…

We’ve all tried murdering our brothers and sisters right?

And some times they mess with one another.

This is largely going to be Sadie’s role throughout her handful of Act I appearances. Less than being a clone of Cindy, she exists pretty much entirely to troll her sister and drive her into near homicidal rages. After her introductory week, it won’t be until December 1 when Sadie next appears.

Good old State U., the Typical Ohio College that TB used before he decided that 99% of the characters would instead attend his alma mater.

A few weeks later she gets a Christmas themed strip on December 26.

Batty will later reuse this strip/joke with Cindy having replaced Sadie.

And… that’s about it for her in 1991. The next time she shows up is on February 10, 1992 for a week of strips where Cindy is forced to bring Sadie along with her to the mall.

In true bratty little sister fashion, Sadie decides to take the opportunity to embarass Cindy in front of a guy she likes.

Cindy, of course, responds to all of this in a manner most calm and rational.

Remember that this woman is going to go on to be a respected (?) journalist.

Sunday gives us the reveal of how Sadie was able to engage in such targeted annoyance.

“The actual writing though? Four thumbs down! It’s as bad as that Three O’Clock High comic in the newspaper!”

The next time she shows up is in March being the instigator in Cindy losing her credit card privileges.

Learning tech simply to screw with your sibling is some high level trollery.

This will also be Sadie’s final Act I appearance as soon after is the prom, Barry’s freak out, Les’s downer graduation speech and the shift over to Act II.

At this point, outside of her actual visual design there’s not really anything about Sadie that I’d say qualifies her for the clone designation that Batty had given her and really, there’s not much of anything wrong with her. Her role is to act as an annoyance for Cindy by flustering and embarassing her and you know what? It works. Sadie’s appearances in Act I are amusing. The mall week is genuinely, with no qualifications, pretty funny. Yes there’s Cindy’s physical abuse but we’re still in the cartoonish period of sentient Star Trek obsessed school computers and Dinkle’s band candy sales propping up the economy. It’s in line with everyone’s favorite running gag of Homer Simpson strangling Bart. Cindy and Sadie’s relationship is typical sibling rivalry stuff but taken to absurd extremes which is what you’d expect from a gag comic so it all works fairly well.

But how will this carry over to when Sadie’s on her own, having to be more of her own character instead of being the person who winds up her older sister? That’ll have to wait until next time when we jump back ahead to the past future present of 1992 and take a look at the first few years of Act II.

Strike Out the Band!

Many topics to cover today. And not enough brain cells to do it with!

First of all, Happy Easter to all who celebrate! May your plastic eggs be as full of sweet goodness as the tomb was empty of Messiah corpses.

Second of all, many thanks to commenter unabashedlyscrumptiousb3ecbcf7cb who has the breaking Akron News!

Hey CBH…hope you can read this article about Luigi’s band box I’ve attached from today’s Akron Beacon Journal. I tried to find a way to get it to you directly, but kept coming up empty. Maybe you might be able to get a blog post from it.

Check out this article from Akron Beacon Journal:

What happened to Luigi’s bandbox?

https://www.beaconjournal.com/story/news/local/2026/04/03/what-happened-to-luigis-bandbox/89410589007/

Not to worry folks, the band box is just out for repairs again. But I wish Mark J. Price had come to me to research his article, as there are numerous factual errors.

Error one. That’s obviously Crazy Harry talking to Funky Winkerbean, not Tony Montoni.

Error two. Ayers penciled that art, though at the time Batiuk was still taking full credit for the strip he inked, because…

Error three. That cartoon wasn’t drawn in March 2026. That was part of a Sunday strip that ran on July 28, 2013.

And now, third topic of the day.

On Monday my dad suffered a heart attack and needed emergency triple bypass surgery. I have been farming solo all week long, barring some assistance by the neighbors, which has been exhausting. While my dad is recovering well, he’s still in for more hospital time, followed by a recovery at home that will probably involve him puppeting me as his mindless millennial muscle while he sits with his feet up. Which, given the alternative, I’ll gladly accept.

While I fully intend to continue shitposting and snarking here, don’t expect anything super structured, coherent, or well researched from me for a few months. Banana Jr 6000 will have to handle the high effort posts for the foreseeable future. My posts are probably going to be more spontaneous and silly.

Love to all!!!

Murder In The Burnings: The Trial Continues!

Yes! This story is actually continuing! It’s not an April Fool’s prank, I promise you!

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Collis D. Smizer.

JUDGE: As you were. Next up is the much-delayed case 53766673, the Village Booksmith fire. Now, Mr. Moore, do you have proper counsel?

MR. BREEF: I am Amicus Breef, from the law firm of Westview Community College Discount Legal Services. I will be representing the defendant, Les Moore.

JUDGE: Very good. Welcome, Mr. Breef. Our previous session ended in the middle of cross examination. Mr. Flaherty, would you like to continue?

CONTINUED CROSS EXAMINATION

(Les Moore, having duly been sworn in, testifies as follows:)

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, I was asking you if you remembered a student of yours named Eric “Mooch” Myers. This student of yours was found to have started two different fires in 1999: one during homecoming, and a second during an ordinary school day. Eric initially reported that second fire to the authorities, and was called a hero on local TV news for doing so.

PROSECUTOR: Do you remember these incidents?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: At the time, you yourself noted that Myers was seeking attention. Correct?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR: I believe this is also why you started the Village Booksmith fire. You saw an opportunity to be the hero again, taking a bold stand against a non-existent enemy of literature. And you took full advantage of it.

LES: I would never put my own friends at risk.

PROSECUTOR: But you did. You already testified that you put Lillian McKenzie at risk, despite her being uncomfortable with this whole situation, when safer options were available. You also had Pete Roberts-Reynolds and Mindy Murdoch help you. Plus bookstore employees Amelia and Emily Matthews. You certainly didn’t mind putting any of them at risk! You let these people – your three friends, and two underage girls – worry about a threat that they thought was real. Eric Myers may have been your student, but it seems you learned a lot from him as well.

LES: Well, that’s what it means to be a teacher.

PROSECUTOR (ignoring Les): Which is also why the fire was laughably small. You didn’t want anyone to get hurt, or even for Lillian to suffer much property damage. Which is why you started the fire at the very bottom of the building’s wooden stairs, when copies of Fahrenheit 451, the supposed target of all this, were upstairs. And you knew that, because you just moved them up those stairs yourself!

This fire was so far away from the books that it couldn’t possibly have reached them. And, it was easily visible from the outside, so it would be seen and put out quickly. All of this is consistent with your motive of wanting to set a fire without actually burning anything.

On top of all that, creosote oil is a wood preservative, as well as a fire accelerant. Which would explain your choice of this unorthodox arson catalyst. You might as well have applied fire-resistant wood sealant to Lillian’s staircase before you set it on fire. Do you deny any of this?

LES: You’re proven nothing.

PROSECUTOR: And what of Lillian herself? She flat-out told you she didn’t feel safe, when you were the one she should have been afraid of all along! And you knew that! An elderly single woman who —

LILLIAN McKENZIE: I’m single because–

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: We know, Lillian!

JUDGE (banging gavel): Order!

(Order is restored.)

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, do you recognize this document?

LES: It appears to be a sales receipt for an online purchase.

PROSECUTOR: And can you tell the court what items were purchased?

LES: It’s– wait, what? You can’t pull this out on me at the last minute!

MR. BREEF: Your Honor, I object! I want to file a subpoena for the evidence!

LES: What?

(A brief, confused pause.)

JUDGE: Mr. Breef, all the evidence has already been presented, and provided to you. Are you suggesting there is a need to subpoena new evidence?

MR. BREEF: Umm…

JUDGE: Overruled. Lack of relevance. The counselor may continue.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. Moore, this document was given to you during discovery, as was all the other evidence, when you were effectively pro se. It was also given to Mr. Breef as soon as he notified my office that he was your new counsel. We have the electronic records to prove this exchange took place. So I will ask you again, Mr. Moore: will you please tell the court what items were purchased in this receipt? You are under oath.

LES: Ummmm, creosote oil, and a copy of the book Lisa’s Story.

LES: But so what? Anybody could have bought those things.

PROSECUTOR: “A” copy of Lisa’s Story? Can you double-check the quantity?

LES: Uh, three.

PROSECUTOR: Three?

LES: Hundred.

LILLIAN (from the audience): Hey!

PROSECUTOR (in full “the defendant is full of shit and I’m about to prove it” mode): Now, who on earth needs to buy 300 copies of the same book? Other than the man who wrote that book, and does frequent public signings of that book?

LES: Maybe the buyer wanted to read it more than once?

(No one laughs.)

LILLIAN: You bastard!

JUDGE: Order! Ms. McKenzie, no more outbursts, or I will ask you to leave.

(Lillian sits down.)

PROSECUTOR: Can you also tell me the quantity of the creosote oil?

LES: 20 liters.

PROSECUTOR: And who is the purchaser on this invoice?

LES (scanning the document): Well, I can already see it’s not me, it’s the…

LES: Lisa’s Legacy Foundation.

PROSECUTOR: And are you the director of the Lisa’s Legacy Foundation?

LES: Yes.

PROSECUTOR (blatantly hamming it up now): Why does a charitable organization need creosote oil at all? Much less 20 liters of it?

LES: Is it too late to change my plea?


April fools! It really wasn’t a prank. I let this story sit way too long, and I thought it would be a nice surprise to finally deliver the goods. My re-telling of The Burnings will resume on a more regular basis soon. Really. Also, last year’s prank was going to be hard to top.

Past installments of the story were:

Today’s installment was Chapter 9. Stay tuned for Chapter 10!

Four More Years! Four More Years!

In my tedious dissection research currently ongoing of the stupid Skip and Batton interview, I nearly let an important anniversary pass us by! So thanks to CSRoberto for reminding me that this week we are celebrating 54!

No, not that one.

No, not that one either.

Instead, the 54th Anniversary of the first Funky Winkerbean Strip!

And, since things have been so unbearable on the Crankshaft front, I thought I’d throw up some choice 1972 material.

I MEAN CHOICE 1972 FUNKY WINKERBEAN MATERIAL!!!

Covering a wide range of topics Batiuk would never touch now! Like…

Cannibalism.

Cultural Appropriation.

Body Shaming.

Trad Wives.

Or Livinia in general.

And who can forget that there was once a time Batiuk dared to pretend he didn’t deeply revere Baseball and Comic Books.

But of course…some things never change.

54 years later and he still won’t shut up about climate change.

And the levy will NEVER pass.

And Tom will always find a way to insert himself into his comic.

And Les Moore is an unbearable human tumor no one wants to see. At least we can be greatful we’ve had more than a year of his absence!

Funny to think about how the ‘Kid’s These Days’ this strip was originally about are now all pushing 70. World leaders, congresspeople, CEO’s, generals and admirals.

“I mean, this is surely the generation that will figure out that whole Middle East thing, right?”

But at least you can look back and see where old Funky Winkerbean predicted the future.

Yeah, that is pretty far fetched and ridiculous.

Funky Winkerbean, if only we knew what we had when we had it.

Sweet Pun-ishment.

Thank the Lord! We have an ugly and abominable week of anemic puns and malaprops at Dale Evans! I do have to laugh at today’s strip, where there’s a weird fern hanging above Crankshaft’s head in an area that would be just kind of randomly hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the restaurant. I mean we’ve never seen that before! Right? The conglomeration of shoddy art stealing slaves using the name of ‘Davis’ is such a stupid collective moron.

Oh…no… wait… we have seen this before.

Don’t know what Ayers was thinking there!

But surely Ayers isn’t to blame for Angie’s terrifying lidless stare and the hideously askew ‘Menu’ from Monday.

HA TAKE THAT DAVIS YOU HACK.

More soon to come….