2009

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Jan. 5-11, 2009
Harry Dinkle invites himself to Westview to lecture the kids about the importance of using protection. For their hearing. Sunday is another comics tribute featuring Jim the Science Guy.

Jan. 12-18, 2009
Head cheerleader Rana is informed that the cheer squad’s presence is required at girls’ sporting events. She enlists some guys to fill up the squad. “Shrieeeeeeks” ensue. Les the Helicopter Parent lurks at girl’s hoops practice.

Jan. 19-26, 2009
Keisha begins to assert herself as Alpha Lady Scapegoat, causing a crisis of confidence for Summer. Les and Cayla go for some post-practice pizza.

Jan. 27-Feb. 1, 2009
Summer’s woes continue: Keisha star continues to rise at Westview, and Keisha’s mom is moving in on Les. The Bitter Old Dudes of Westview sit in Montoni’s having a Worst-Mother-in-Law story contest (Dead Skunk Head John claims the prize).

Feb. 2-8, 2009
Les is out in the garage again…it’s called writing. And conjuring up the late Lisa, along with Le Chat Bleu.

Feb. 8-15, 2009
It’s all hands on deck for Montoni’s busiest day of the year, Valentine’s Day. Cory is sickened by the sight of his adoptive parents kissing. In a game on Sunday, Summer uncharacteristically puts up a brick…

Feb. 16-22, 2009
…and on Monday, she’s still missing shots, this time in her driveway, until a stranger who purports to be her stepbrother Darin shows up. Summer confides that her life “*@#s!” Darin teaches her to gooseneck the rim with her wrist and helps Summer return to her Goldilocks zone. Bingo, Sherlock.

Feb. 23-Mar. 1, 2009
Tha K-Bomb makes her return to Big Walnut Tech as a Lady Goat, and is roughed up by her former teammates. Summer rides to her rescue as Darin and Pete watch from the stands.

Mar. 2-8, 2009
Post game, Summer and Keisha bond in the locker room. Not as hot as it sounds. Les continues to deny to Summer that he and Cayla have a thing.

Mar. 9-15, 2009
In Mr. Moore’s class, Cory is caught sleeping, then sasses Les. Funky and Holly are summoned for a parent-teacher-student conference. Dinkle celebrates the completion of his second opera “Rigatoni” by having dinner with the wife at somewhere other than Montoni’s.

Mar. 16-23, 2009
Becky flatters the old windbag Dinkle by planning to have the band perform music from his first opera: “The Magic Flutophone”. During rehearsals, Dinkle is so harsh to the students that Maddie queries Becky if Dinkle is responsible for Becky’s missing arm.

Mar. 23-29, 2009
The day/week from hell: Montoni’s profits suffer as a result of the down economy, and Funky ponders “let[ting] some of the staff go” (maybe a good idea since half the town works at Montoni’s). It gets worse from there as Holly gets in an accident with the PT Cruiser and Funky’s elderly dad falls and breaks a hip. This bit of news is followed by an “m-mail” from Funky’s doctor recommending he schedule a biopsy. Turns out that all of this bad karma happened on Funky’s birthday. Sunday we see Funky penning a note that starts, “Goodbye, Cruel World”, but rather than a suicde note, it’s merely a prop for the fake funeral of Montoni’s pay phone.

Mar. 30- Apr.5, 2009
Harry Dinkle continues to make life miserable for the clueless, snotty, incompetent members of the Marching Scapegoats. Les is out in the garage hacking away at the Great American Novel.

Apr. 6-12, 2009
The Westview teachers sit and bitch in the teacher’s lounge. Les and Susan chat about their plans for Spring Break. Les mentions his writing and asks if Susan would mind “taking a look”. Susan manages to get through Les’ sad epic tale of love and loss and declares, “It’s beautiful”.

Apr. 13-19, 2009
Not comprehending that Les can never be hers, Susan picks up two tickets for the Magic Flutophone, but just before she can invite Les to be her date, Cayla beats her to the punch. Preparing for his date, Les shaves as Summer stands smirking in the doorway. Lisa’s Ghost bids goodbye to him and Cayla from the porch.

Apr 20-26, 2009
The Magic Flutophone is performed to great acclaim. Dinkle is interviewed for the school paper by, I don’t know, Jinx, I guess, and within minutes the concert is a YouTube sensation.

Apr 27-May 3, 2009
Post-Magic-Flutophone, Les and Cayla acknowledge their romance over the house red, alfresco at Montoni’s. On the ride home, Ghost Lisa signals her approval. Sunday: comic-book “Tribute” time.

May 4-10, 2009
Funky gets worked up over business expenses. Maybe he should hire an accountant. He suggests to Holly the possibility that “a couple of our restaurants may have to close…especially the one in New York.” Sunday, Summer watches a videotaped message from the late Lisa.

May 11-17, 2009
Superstar Cynthia Summers returns for her enshrinement in the Westview HS Hall of Fame. Over coffee, she gives Les the business card of bag lady-turned-literary agent Ann Apple aka Apple Annie. Cindy takes the high school stage to give her acceptance speech. In a Sunday flashback she is seen treating teenaged Les like shit, rejecting him as a lab partner.

May 18-24, 2009
Cindy blathers on for the better part of the week. Afterwards, she and Funky, Les and Summer kick back at (where else) Montoni’s. Cindy hints to ex-husband Funky about a pending career move, and on Sunday she’s getting on a plane to LaGuardia.

May 25-31, 2009
Mr. Moore’s class has a big test. Cory “crams” by writing the answers on his water bottle, which Les confiscates at the beginning of class. Sunday blah blah Komix Korner blah Dead Skunk head blah blah Crazy Harry blah blah blah.

June 1-7, 2009
School’s out! And Cory’s got big plans. So does Funky, who informs his stepson (via text message) that Cory will be working in the pizza parlor this summer, doing things like cleaning the band box. When Cory threatens to quit, Les quells the rebellion by reminding Cory about the evidential water bottle.

June 8-14, 2009
Les and Funky sit in lawn chairs on Montoni’s roof at night and bitch, bitch, bitch about getting older. Sunday: Becky congratulates the Marching Scapegoats after their appearance in the Flag Day parade, before marching herself into the cemetery to place a tiny flag on a grave whose marker we are not allowed to see…

June 15-21, 2009
The Girls’ Softball Team Formerly Known As The Orange Oranges take on the Brown Bombers (who wear gray uniforms), kaptained by Keisha and koached by 103-year old “Pops”, and lose, 32-4.

June 22-28, 2009
Les regales Cayla with details of his athletic ineptitude. Rather that be put off by this, Cayla offers to “help those blackbirds fly from [Les’] shoulders”, whatever the hell that means. But Les’ response is, “Endings have to be earned.” Whatever the hell that means.

June 29-July 5, 2009
Keisha joins Montoni’s Girls’ Softball Team and to the astonishment of no one, leads them to victory over her old team.

July 6-12, 2009
Funky leaves work to get to the airport…Dead Skunk Head John leaves the Komix Korner early and grimly walks home…Becky fetches a trombone from public storage and meets John at the house. Everyone’s somber and tense. What’s going on? Ding dong! Who’s at Becky and John’s door? Why, it’s…

July 13-19, 2009
…Sgt. Wally in his dress greens, back from overseas! The plot then jumps back five weeks and we follow embedded Global News Network reporter Cynthia Summers as she uses her feminine wiles to get the skinny on a pending prisoner exchange in Iraqistan.

July 20-26, 2009
Cindy continues to cajole information from a lieutenant, then heads out to the prisoner exchange site…the prisoners are un-hooded and one of them turns out to be…

July 27-Aug. 2, 2009
…a haggard looking Wally, who is unable to recognize his ex-aunt cousin-in-law. Cindy call Funky, who pays a visit to Wally’s wife Becky, who’s now married to Dead Skunk Head John, to break the news (I guess the Army couldn’t spare anyone to officially notify the family). They huddle around the TV to watch Cynthia report the news of Wally’s reappearance. DSH John is visibly shaken to learn his bride is not a widow after all. At Walter Reade Army Hospital, Wally tells the doctor he has difficulty remembering faces…except for Becky’s.

August 3-9, 2009
Rather than a hero’s salute, rescued American soldier Wally Winkerbean is treated to an excruciatingly awkward and undignified homecoming “reception”. He recounts to Becky the details of his capture, and his inability to recall faces other than hers. Becky then brings him to visit the grave where Wally’s presumed remains have been buried.

August 10-16, 2009
Like the rest of us, Wally expresses amazement at the Army’s failure to even attempt to positively identify his remains. Buy no matter: Becky explains, none too gently, that Dead Skunk Head John is her man now, hands Wally his old trombone and sends him on his way.

August 17-23, 2009
The good news is: it’s Montoni’s Girls Softball’s last game of the season. The bad news: it’s vs. the Brown Bombers, coached by miserable ol’ Pops. Montoni’s prevails, though, thanks to Jinx’s stealing their opponent’s signals.

August 24-30, 2009
Les and Summer celebrate her birthday over a pizza. Summer’s plans to enroll in Bull’s driver’s ed class inexplicably triggers a fearful reaction from Les. Week ends with a Spiderman comic book “tribute”.

August 31-Sept. 6, 2009
Les attempts to come to grips with his anxiety over Summer being taught to drive by Les’ bully-turned-faculty-colleague Bull.

Sept. 7-Sept. 13, 2009
The start of the school year gives rise to several thuddingly unfunny “gags”. Les and Susan are informed by principal Nate that the parents have some concerns about the play Susan’s selected for the fall production. The football team sucks.

Sept. 14-Sept. 20, 2009
Les and Susan meet with the parents, who question how dare they present Wit a play “about death and cancer”.

Sept. 21-Sept. 27, 2009
The cheerleaders have a “Throw Pies at the Cheerleader” contest. Rana’s stepfather Skunk Head John is shown up big time by Wally, whom Rana calls “my dad”.

Sept. 28-Oct. 4, 2009
We are introduced to freshmen Cody and Owen, the 21st-century analogues for Pete and Darin/Funky and Les.

Oct. 5-Oct. 18, 2009
The annual Lisa’s Legacy walk. Cayla gets her first inkling that she is competing with a dead woman for Les’ affections.

Oct. 19-Oct. 25, 2009
Cody and Owen take part in the annual Battle of the Bands. Naturally, it rains like hell.

Oct. 26-Nov. 1, 2009
Cory gets picked up by the cops for soaping the windows at the high school. Funky teaches his son a lesson by going during school hours to clean up Cory’s mess.

Nov. 2-Nov. 8, 2009
The Westview High faculty frets over budget cuts; Cody and Owen fret over being human punching bags; Cory sasses Mr. Moore; Scapegoats football sucks.

Nov. 9-Nov. 15, 2009
Returning POW Wally holes up in his pad with a six pack; daughter Rana knocks on the door to check up on him and nearly gets capped.

Nov. 16-Nov. 22, 2009
Les relives his own student driver nightmares as he helps Summer practice driving. Sunday: Dinkle has a nightmare of his own, involving alien turkeys.

Nov. 23-Nov. 29, 2009
Westview Band conducts its door-to-door turkey fundraiser. Dinkle buys two.

Nov. 30-Dec. 6, 2009
Funky and Les decorate Montoni’s for the holidays. The display includes reindeer on the sidewalk, which earns Funky a ticket from the cops.

Dec. 7-Dec. 13, 2009
In order to save up for a car, Summer applies for a job at–where else? Montoni’s Pizzaria. Not to be outdone, Keisha asks for a job too. Pete very creepily hits on Summer, who must be a good 12 years his junior.

Dec. 14-Dec. 20, 2009
Cody nearly gets assaulted for singing a show tune in the hallways of the high school.

Dec. 21-Dec. 27, 2009
Christmastime in Westview. Funky vacations on some beach. Les heads to New York City to meet with a literary agent.

Dec. 28, 2009-Jan. 3, 2010
Les meets with high-powered New York literary agent Ann Apple, whom everybody but Les knows is the homeless lady who found his earlier manuscript years before.

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