Ladies and gentlemen, I present the dumbest comic strip ever printed. Proof positive, as if any more were needed, that Tom Batiuk intends to do nothing except spin his wheels until the 50th anniversary.
Other than Pete’s paper-mache head-on-a-stick, I’ve never seen such a crass, blatant display of nothingness. In fact, it leaves me speechless. Lucky you! See you Sunday!
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Let’s leave aside the fact, a year or so ago, that the Lord of the Late was revealed to be just an aspect of Pete’s personality. That alone should banish him from the strip. (Imagine a monster, long since revealed to be Old Man Carruthers, the Caretaker, returning to menace the Scooby Gang as the same monster. They’d go right to the mask-pulling without even pausing for a musical number.)
Let’s also leave aside the charming picture of Pete furiously picking his nose in the penultimate panel. And let’s leave aside what is going on with the hand in panel four (first one on the bottom).
Instead, I have to wonder–has Tom Batiuk ever read a comic book? Because Super Villain Rule Number One is that you have to bedevil your designated hero at every opportunity. Saying “I’ll let the internet be mean to him” is just not done. Imagine the Joker refusing to plot against Batman because he notices the Batmobile parked in a loading zone or something, and is just giddy at the idea of Batman getting a traffic ticket. I mean, why is the Joker even there if he’s not going to act?
Same with the Lord of the Late. Why is even here, if his sole purpose is to announce that he’s not going to do anything? Making Pete “woefully late” is all he does. (Well, in theory. In actual fact, Pete always comes up with a remarkably stupid idea to save his career at the last moment.)
Granted, that’s not the worst thing a Funky Winkerbean character can do. At least it’s not Owen, asking why Humphrey Bogart didn’t use his jet-pack to rescue Ingrid Bergman in that poorly thought-out Casablanca film. It’s not Holly telling Dick Tracy, “It’s not what you eat, it’s when you eat it.” And it’s not Les doing, well, anything.
I mean, he’s not really here solely so we can hear about “internuts,” “twitter tots” and “tweet revenge” is he? Because that’s just sad. Look, Mr. Batiuk, I know you don’t enjoy criticism–few people do. But here’s how you get it to stop. Start actually writing stories, using interesting characters, and–this is key–ask for a new editor, one who will push you to use your strengths rather than sign-off on your work without even reading it.
Yes, I know, that’s not going to happen. It’s far easier to insult people and get all huffy than it is to change the path of a runaway truck. So it’ll be all dreck, all the time, on the way to that magical 50th. The thing is, the critics will be right along for the ride–you can’t shake them by having nothing happen in your strip, because that’s a choice as well.
Well, folks, I can see the sunshine finally appear as my SoSF guest-host stint finally comes to an end (for now). Please welcome David O as your new dungeon master starting tomorrow, as we ask the musical question, “Whose idea was this?”
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Ah, there’s the punchable Les we all know and loathe. Even with little more than half a face visible, I still want to punch that half until it’s gone. Funky’s Expression in Panel Two (the Theme For The Week) is one of unmitigated fury, which struck me as strange until I realized that in panel one, Wino McHomeless’s remark could have been taken as sarcasm. And to be fair, in panel one Funky looks like Holly after being (initially) denied a comic book. Oh, I’m sooooo helpless and incapable, someone needs to give me things as gifts for free. Oh boo hoo hoo, my son is in the military, soon to be slabbed as a key issue.
…sorry, got a bit off track there. Anyway, if I was out running, and some guy passed me and said “Way to go,” I think I would probably interpret that as sarcasm if I was having the same sort of difficulty as Funky. I mean, there I’d be, wheezing and puffing, trying to keep up with my Perfect Friend, and he’s essentially saying “Huh, wheezing and puffing, eh? Well you’re doing it real good!” I wonder why he didn’t say something like, “Don’t stop! You can do it!” or “It takes a while, but you’ll get there!” or something more generally encouraging.
Oh. Oh, you’re kidding. Really? He said that so that Tom Batiuk could insert his “joke” which uses the difference between “go” and “no-go”? I don’t know if I’ve encountered anything sadder this week. And I write these entries a year in advance, so that’s a lot of weeks!
Bonus: Funky’s zipper pull tab is lovingly rendered, isn’t it? That and the Button are the only items to have any care lavished on them, other than Les, of course. I mean, look at Wino’s right hand. Clearly he’s a mutant of some kind. Is he an X-Man? I bet his mutant super-power is never appearing in Funky Winkerbean again, which sounds darn handy! (ha ha ha)!
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
“Unnatural hand gestures” ahoy! I don’t recommend looking very closely at panel two, because you’ll probably end up like me: wondering what the hell those body parts are supposed to be, and how they got there.
Panel three is pretty good nightmare fuel as well; those of you with small children might want to cut it out and paste it on cardboard, to see if you can use it to make the kids eat their peas. Tell them she’s hiding under the bed, and only vegetables keep her away.
I do have to admire the way she’s all prepped and ready to…watch the progress of an online auction. Not to actually do anything (strictly forbidden in the Funkyverse anyway)…but just sit there and watch, and hope no one outbids her. The excitement just never ends, does it? Well, that’s because it never begins either but you can’t have everything. You should have learned that by now.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
bad wolf
December 11, 2013 at 8:23 am
To spare anyone who might be curious, my definitions:
keys: Key issues, may include first issues, first appearances, crossovers, beginning of famous storyline. ($$)
Thanks to bad wolf who, in yesterday’s comments, provided a Komix Kollektor mini glossary along with a little insight:
Believe me, the industry has had a long conversation about these man-cave stores with geek-babble spouting salesmen freezing out potential customers by putting up a wall of ‘secret passwords’ and inner-sanctum speak.
Though, to be fair, today John is actually making sense: Silver Age Flash meets Golden Age Flash would be, by bad wolf’s definition, a crossover. I get it! Why doesn’t Holly? She’s making the type of classic “duhhh” face that we usually see on Bull.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
Now you know how many ‘holes it takes to fill Montoni’s Pizzeria.
TheDiva
July 10, 2013 at 11:50 pm
Okay, folks, place your bets:
Halle is drawn in the background of a Sunday spread in a listless nod to continuity: 6/1
Does Halle Dinkle’s presence here qualify as a “crossover” if nobody knows about her comic strip? She’s the one helpfully holding up a placard-sized “Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad” card. There’s another unfamiliar face in the crowd, above Dinkle’s head, whose identity will be revealed Friday (as an afterthought; TB’s just giving a shout-out to one of his music friends). Rachel’s been made to don the dreaded red apron but Wally (and his wonder dog Buddy) have been permitted to mingle with the invited guests. I would give Dead Skunk Head John a hard time for showing up in a t-shirt, but hey: we’re in a pizza parlor.
Filed under Son of Stuck Funky
“Sure, you’re researching this whole documentary about the father you lost…and when I say ‘researching’, of course I mean glomming a free copy of Les’ first book.” At least we learn why Jessica thinks Darin should reconnect with the father who “lost” him: because it’s easy.
Filed under Uncategorized
