This is just the last panel of today’s Crankshaft strip, with the tail of the word zeppelin pointing where it should. (And with a ridiculous coloring error fixed.)
The GoComics version.
The artwork looks more like Keesterman should be speaking, doesn’t it? It’s practically a reverse angle of the May 19 strip, where Batton and Skip are the foreground characters. Which they should be, since they’re focus of the dialogue monologue. Today’s strip has the background characters doing the talking, even though they’ve been the focus characters this entire week.
This is such a grade school-level composition failure, that it looks like Tom Batiuk is passive-aggressively making a point to the “where’s Crankshaft?” crowd. “Oh, you want more Crankshaft? Fine! I’ll make him the biggest character on the page, while I continue talking about what I want to talk about!” I wonder how Mr. Batiuk, the young art teacher, would have graded this if one of his students submitted it.
Also: why do Ed, Ralph, and Keesterman all look like they’re talking? Only one of them should be talking. Ralph appears to be taking a bite. But his expression doesn’t match that action, unless that is the wryest piece of apple pie in culinary history.
When I made that Luann crossover parody, I spent a lot of time editing mouths, so that only the person speaking had their mouth open. And Tom Batiuk can’t put in that level of effort? Even when his entire comic strip can be built from Colorforms at this point? And when he’s getting paid to do this, and I’m not?
That insufferable jackass Batton Thomas is back to drone on about nothing while Skip pays rapt attention. Which means it’s time to evalulate the bets I solicited!
G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin? May 18. One point if you got it right.
G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”? Skip said “so you talked the last time about…,” so that’s a Yes. One point if you got it right. He doesn’t have to say those exact words.
G3. Where will they meet? Not 100% confirmed, but it looks like Montoni’s, which is worth half a point. I’m sure Mindy will be by on Wednesday to drop off the pizza. (TUESDAY UPDATE: The presence of Ed, Ralph, and Keesterman in the background suggests they are at Dale Evans instead. And maybe that Batiuk is feeling some pressure to at least pretend Ed Crankshaft is still the main character.)
G4. What recording device will Skip use? Skip’s cell phone is visible. Half a point.
A7. How many times will Skip smirk? Wow, twice already, and it’s only Monday. We’ll count again at the end of the week.
M4. Who will Batton name-drop? Nobody yet, but I’m going to make a ruling that it has to be a real person. His “band director character” is obviously Dinkle, but that’s not what I’m looking for here.
M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point? Of course, he already has. Take your .0001 point and get out of here.
M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles? He mentions Bizarro Dinkle becoming popular, but that’s not the same as doing actual work. So not yet, but it could still happen this week.
M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit? I’m counting today’s strip as Gluttony. Batton has spoken at so many potluck dinners that he got Tupperware poisoning, implying that he must have consumed a massive amount of the food there.
Also, I’m going to make a general ruling here: simply meeting at Montoni’s counts as Gluttony. Dale Evans, by itself, doesn’t count as gluttony, since they have some non-gluttonous offerings. Even if they’re just things Ed Crankshaft orders to do one of his stupid puns.
That’s everything I can evaluate so far, because the others are weeklong totals, or they are for events that can still happen later this week. By the end of the week (including a possible Sunday), this post will be a complete list of all the wagers that were offered. And I’ll tally up a winner of those of you who made selections.
That’s 2.5001 points! And some of his other plays like “7 smirks” and “6 deadly sins” look pretty good so far.
After this week, I’ll calculate the totals, and standardize the set of offerings going forward.
WEDNESDAY UPDATE: We have a sideways panel, and some early artwork. That would fulfill the following:
A5. Will there be a sideways strip? 1 point, of 5 if there is a second one later this week.
A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear? This appears to be real-life pre-Funky Winkerbean artwork, which is worth 1.5 points if we can confirm it. Let me know if you can, or there’s a blog post explaining it.
THURSDAY UPDATE: Today we learn that “Harry Finkle” will straight-up commit murder, Crankshaft-Pop Clutch style, to sell band candy. Surprisingly, this doesn’t violate any new deadly sins. It’s not Wrath, because it’s not motivated by hatred. There doesn’t seem to be a deadly sin that covers what we would modern law would call “criminal negligence” or “involuntary manslaughter.”
Which makes me question whether the 7 Deadly Sins bet is viable. Batton either breaks them constantly (Pride, Sloth); never breaks them (Wrath); or are things Tom Batiuk would never have one of his own “good” characters do (Lust). Gluttony is largely a function of where/what they’re eating. Greed only manifests itself in the Funkyverse in the form of highly valuable comic books. As for Envy, Batton doesn’t commit this sin so much as he inspires others to commit it. The encounter with his wannabe rockstar neighbor right after he got his cartoonist gig is a perfect example.
I’ll honor the wager for this week, but I don’t think it’ll be part of the game going forward. (And yes, there will be a game going forward.)
FRIDAY UPDATE: We have the Batton face! That hits the easiest target on wager A1.
SATURDAY UPDATE: That word zeppelin isn’t quite big enough to fulfill A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel?
I will post a final tally after Sunday’s strip. (Sunday strips count, if the strip is related to the Batton Thomas interviews.)
Before I came to SoSF, I was a contributor to a college sports blog, where I also ran a play-money betting contest. So I speak the language of odds and vigorish and parlays. Tapping into that experience will be my latest approach to dealing with the Batton Death March. I love playful betting!
Since Tom Batiuk is snarking himself so hard there’s no reason for us to bother anymore, I’m setting up a little contest! Make predictions about the next installment of the Batton Thomas interview. (Because we all know there’s going to be another installment.) Score points if your prediction is correct. Choose from 20 different bets!
Make choices, and score a total number of points based on the difficulty of the prediction. -1 point for any incorrect choice. Make a comment listing your choices, and the bet number for each. After each week ends, I’ll tally the sore. If you want to review previous weeks, I’ve been keeping the Compleat Batton Thomas post updated.
RULES: All bets are for the entire week. Sunday strips count, if they feature Batton Thomas. Each panel counts as a separate mention. (So if Skip smirks in two different panels of the same strip, that counts as two smirks for bet #A7.) The house (i.e., me) judges all bets.
General
G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin?
April 27, May 4, May 11, May 18, May 25 (1 point each), June (2 points), later in 2026 (3 points), not at all in 2026 (10,000 points)
G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”?
Yes or No (1 point each)
G3. Where will they meet?
Montoni’s (.5 point), Batton’s studio, Centerview Sentinel offices, Dale Evans, Komix Korner (1 point each), a location from Tom Batiuk’s personal life (1.5 points), none of these (2 points). 10 points for a specific new location which you name.
G4. What recording device will Skip use?
None (1 point), pen and paper (2 points), cell phone (0.5 points), other (3 points)
Artwork
A1. How many times will this image be used?
Not at all (2.5 points), once (0.1 point), two or more times (2.5 points). Mirrored versions, smaller versions, and slightly edited versions of the image count.
A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel?
Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (4 points)
A3. How many flashback images will there be?
None (2 points), Only One (.5 points), More Than One (1 point)
A4. Will a flashback image include a real person?
Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (1.5 points). 5 points for any real person you can name.
A5. Will there be a sideways strip?
Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (5 points)
A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear?
None (0.5 points), his childhood drawings (1.5 points), pre-Funky Winkerbean work such as Rapping Around (2 points), Funky Winkerbean art (2.5 points), childhood drawings by someone else (5 points)
A7. How many times will Skip smirk?
1 point per smirk, but your guess has to be exactly right. 10,000 points if you predict zero smirks and are correct.
A8. What intellectual property will be appropriated?
DC or Marvel characters (.1 point), characters from other comic strips (.5 points) someone else’s artwork, but you can name the person (2 points).
Subject Matter
M1. Will Batton mention comic books?
No (2 points), Only Once (.1 points), More Than Once (2 points)
M2. In which of the following ways will comic books appear?
Batton failing to get a job at DC or Marvel (.1 point), a comic book cover Batton had no stated role in creating (.1 points), a comic book cover Batton helped create (.2 points), collectible value (.3 points), writing for comic books (.5 points).
M3. Will Batton quote someone?
Yes (1.5 points), No (.5 points). 10 points if you can name them specifically,
M4. Who will Batton name-drop?
5 points for anyone you can name specifically. 10 points if that person hasn’t appeared yet.
M5. Who will Batton bash?
5 points for anyone you can name specifically. 10 points if that person hasn’t appeared yet.
M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point?
Yes (.0001 points), No (10000 points)
M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles?
Yes (.0001 points), No (10000 points)
M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit?
One point for each, but you have to get it exactly right
Roll Your Own!
If you want to make a bet on something other than the above, post it in your comment, and I’ll offer a payout.
Recently, the comic strip Luann has been irritating me almost as much as the Batton Death March, which begins its 11th week today. Luann‘s tedious story arc is about a “Career Paths” class, which seems to be the only class the title character is taking in her 27th semester of junior college.
I decided to improve both stories, by crashing them into each other.
Text that appears in the standard Crankshaft or Luann font is unedited from the original strip, except for minor rewording, and sometimes being paired with different artwork.
Warning: The parody story text contains lots of foul language.
Hi, folks! The Crankshaft Awards are still under construction, due to some nasty cold here in the upper Midwest. (My hometown was minus 6 degrees on Monday.)
So in the meantime, I want to document the entire Batton Thomas interview. Boring, I know, but I really don’t know how else to respond to it. I can’t use Batton to mock Tom Batiuk, because Batton already does a spectacular job of that without my help. And I think we’ve all wailed and gnashed our teeth in the comments about what an inane, boring, self-serving ego trip this all is. But it just keeps going.
I thought the best way to document it would be to put it all in one place, to illustrate how much nothing there is in what has now been nine weeks of strips.
WEEK 1: August 5, 2024: Skip seeks Batton to do an interview, so he immediately heads to Komix Korner. Batton saunters in on cue. He quotes Dorothy Parker for some reason, probably to show off his writerliness.
August 19: Skip needs to do another interview for a “longer and more in-depth” piece. He asks “what sparked your interest in comics?” Of course, it’s comic books. Batton traveled to New York and failed to be hired by either DC or Marvel.
January 27 ,2025: Batton sucks at being an art teacher, so he badgers the local paper into letting him draw a cartoon. He meets with a syndicate, NEA, which gives him some advice on how to turn it into a comic strip.
March 17: Batton talks about what inspired him to become a cartoonist. Spoiler alert: it was comic books.
WEEK 5: May 26: Batton comes up with the name for his proto-strip Rappin’ Around, and annoys Roger Bollen, the creator of Animal Crackers. Roger says “just because I visited the syndicates in New York doesn’t mean you have to.” Batton immediately announces his plan to do this, rejecting Bollen’s advice right to his face.
July 14: Skip visits Batton in his studio. Batton takes his second trip to New York, eats at Howard Johnson’s, and gets rejected by the syndicates. But he returns home to find an important-looking letter in the mail, despite having spoken to no one. After telling a friend about it, Batton realizes that he is now better than everyone else.
September 1: Skip asks “So what happened after Publishers-Hall offered you a contract for your own syndicated comic strip?” Batton mostly whined about how difficult it was.
September 29: Batton is sitting with Skip for yet another interview when he meets Jeff, his “dopplegänger from the comics shop.” (The umlaut was Batiuk’s.) Ed Crankshaft then rips into Batton over the diminished presence of “Grandpa Wrinkles” in the comic strip.
January 19, 2026: Batton and Skip visit Batton’s first apartment house, Elyria High School, and syndicate president Dick Sherry visits. Batton says Sherry’s was “thoughtful and considerate”, but “it felt like we weren’t on the same page” as Sherry looked at some new strips. This anecdote is never resolved, as Batton talks about the apartment house some more instead.
WEEK 10: February 23: The interview begins to run out of steam, even by its own very low standards. Batton drops several disjointed anecdotes that make him look even more petty and mean-spirited. Batton’s wife helps him color his comics; he took once someone else’s boxes from a shared storage area to use to pad his mailers; and whines that he doesn’t own his own characters. None of this is followed up.
March 16: They’re back at Batton’s studio. Batton shows off his drawing boards, fanboys over Milton Caniff, and extolls the virtues of bristol board.
April 20: The interview continues in a new location, the Centerview Sentinel offices. Skip asks “when did you realize you were a bonafide newspaper cartoonist”, even though it’s the only subject Batton has been talking about for almost two years now. Batton says it was when he was actually asked to give a speech! He fanboys about Chet Gould, and then say he declined to talk to Gould when he had the chance. He never says why, and Skip doesn’t ask.
Son of Stuck Funky 