Batton Death March – Son of Stuck Funky

Introducing: Funkshi!

I need to wrap up the Batton Thomas prediction contest from last week’s strips. Sorry I’m late, I’ve been busy touring with Weird Al Yankovic:

Much like Weird Al, I’m white and nerdy. Because it’s all about the Pentiums, baby.

Anyway, I need to settle your plays, and “tally the sore”! And I plan to continue this game going forward. I will begin to standardize the game in this post.

I have named this project “Funkshi”, a portmanteau of “Funky” and the “shi” in the popular online prediction market Kalshi. (Don’t take this as an endorsement. I’m very pro-gambling, but I find “online prediction markets” vile. If you have a better name idea, I’m all ears.)

Let’s revisit the original offerings from this post, and get a ruling for each.

G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin? The most recent installment began on May 18. In the future, the wager will offer the upcoming five Mondays as a choice.

G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”? Skip said “so you talked the last time about…” making this a Yes. The words do not have to be exact.

G3. Where will they meet? Dale Evans. Future bets will have a “field” option, which basically means “none of the above” offered options.

G4. What recording device will Skip use? Skip’s cell phone was visible.

A1. How many times will the

I’d rather have my blood sucked out by leeches.

image be used? Once. (This image really needs a fan nickname.)

A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel? This panel was close, but no cigar:

The balloon was 403 x 125 pixels, or 50,375 square pixels. The entire panel is 438 x 281, or 124,108 square pixels. That is the standard it must meet: 50% of the entire panel. Word balloons and panels include the entire balloon (not just the words), but do not include the tail that indicates the speaker, or anything that extends beyond a border (like the Batiuk & Davis signature). The balloon was only 40.9% of the panel, which means the bet loses.

A3. How many flashback images will there be? There were three! It doesn’t matter if they’re real-life flashbacks, a fictional characters’ flashbacks, or Batton Thomas’ flashbacks, which are a little of both.

A4. Will a flashback image include a real person? This is a tough one to judge. One of those images was:

Your sports team is vastly inferior. This simple fact is plainly obvious to see.

Are these real people? Are they fictional high schoolers? You could make a case for either. From now on, the offer will be Will a flashback image include an identifiable person? Also, I’m going to say that Batton Thomas himself doesn’t count as a real person, even if he is doing something Tom Batiuk actually did.

A5. Will there be a sideways strip? The above image was in the sideways strip. I rotated it back to vertical here. I’m not a monster.

A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear? Narshe confirmed this an early Tom Batiuk artwork, from the Chronicle Teen-Age Page, via Match to Flame 12 at the Batiuk blog. Again, we will add the word “identifiable” to the question.

A7. How many times will Skip smirk? I’m going to remove this one, because it’s too subjective to judge. How many of these are smirks?

There was also a silhouetted Skip I forgot to include in this image.

I would say 6: all but the two right-most ones, which could just be regular smiles. As much as I would love to consider context, this is the Funkyverse, so your guess of the context is as good as mine. Note also that two of these images are identical.

A8. What intellectual property will be appropriated? None this week.

M1. Will Batton mention comic books? He didn’t explicitly, but “Harry Finkle being bitten by a radioactive band director” sounds to me like Spiderman’s origin story. (Or is it Arachnid Man’s?) In the future, Batton must say “comic books”, or name a comic book title.

M2. In which of the following ways will comic books appear? If it they appeared at all, it wasn’t in any of the offered ways. This is another one that will have a “field” option.

M3. Will Batton quote someone? He cites something Charles Schulz said during an interview, but doesn’t technically quote him. Going forward, Batton must repeat the exact words.

M4. Who will Batton name-drop? Schulz. Any explicit mention of a real person counts as a name-drop.

M5. Who will Batton bash? No one this week.

M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point? M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles? These are also vague, but they can stay because they’re jokey enough that the answer can be assumed. They also only pay .0001 point each. Take it and get out of here.

Consider this a “money line” bet on a ludicrously heavy favorite, like a bet that Ohio State will beat Kent State in football this fall. They don’t have to beat the point spread; just win the game. You can make that kind of bet at a real gambling house, but it pays laughably little when you win. I suspect it would be about -100000, which means “bet $1000 to win $1.”

M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit? I will not offer this wager in the future, because it isn’t a good thing to bet on.

Batton always commits certain sins by his mere existence (Pride, Envy) and never others (Wrath, Lust). I ruled that Gluttony is largely a factor of if they’re at Montoni’s, and if they eat it. Greed comes into play if somebody finds yet another a priceless comic book lying around. As for Sloth, that one’s a bit meta. I think the mere presence of the A1 bet implies that Sloth exists in Crankshaft, at least in the creation of it. But I don’t want to reconcile layers of meta-content to judge these plays.

So who won the inaugural contest, and who lost on Jeopardy? Let’s judge now. The rules were:

Make choices, and score a total number of points based on the difficulty of the prediction. -1 point for any incorrect choice.

In the future, you can miss up to 5 choices before losing any points. But for the first week, we must honor the rules as they were written. Also, some of you made the bets that I have since declared too ambiguous to judge. For the first round, I will be very lenient about paying off winners. I’ll accept any bet that’s close enough, even if the offer required an exact match. In some cases, different answers to the same question can both win.

Y. Knott: A1. Two or more times (-1). A7. 7 (+1; close enough.) M3. Yes (+1; again, in the future it must be more specific, but I’m allowing it this time.) M4. (-1). M6. Yes (+.0001). M7. Yes (+.0001). M8. (+1; close enough). Total: 1.0002.

CSRoberto: G2: No (-1). G4: pen and paper (-1). A1: at least twice (-1). M6: Definitely so (+.0001). M7. No. (+.0001) M8. (+1). Total: -1.9998

Iansdrunkenbeard: G1 – May 18 (+1). G2 – Yes (+1). G3 – Sentinel office (-1). G4– cell phone (+1). A1 – 2 or more (-1). A2 – more than one (-1). A3 – 1 (-1) A4 – No (+1, because it’s could be either). A5 – No (-1). A6 – Pre Funky (+1; we don’t know what this artwork actually is, but I’ll count it). A7 – 7 (+1; close enough) A8 – DC or Marvel (-1) M1 – More than once (-1; even if you count Finkle’s origin story, it was mentioned only once). M2 – Writing for comic books (-1). M3 – No (+1; again, it’s ambiguous). M4 – Milt Caniff (-1). M6 – Yes (+.0001). M7 – No (+.0001). M8 – 6 (-1; he definitely didn’t commit Lust or Wrath, which eliminates 6 as a possibility). Total: -2.9998.

[o]: G1. May 11 (-1). G2. No. (-1). G3. Westview HS (-1). G4. None. (-1) A1. At least three times (-1). A2. More than one (-1). A3. Only one (-1). A4. Yes (-1). A5. No (-1). A6. FW Act 1 art (-1; it isn’t identifiably Act I art). A7. 5.(+1; close enough.) A8. None (+1. Even if Batton is referencing Spider-Man’s origin story, that’s not the same as “appropriating intellectual property.”) M1. No (+1). M2. None of the above (+1). M3. Flash Fairfield (-1). M4. Flash Fairfield (-1). M5. (+1, the band members in the sideways are depicted as dumb). M6. Yes (+.0001). M7. Yes* (-1). M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit? Just pride and sloth. (+1; close enough) Total: -7.9999.

So the Week 1 champion is Y. Knott! Iansdrunkenbeard got off to a great start, but had too many misses overall. And, there’s a lesson here about gambling: four people gambled, and only one of them made a profit. Plus, as always, the house.

Caption Contest!

What is Keesterman saying?

This is just the last panel of today’s Crankshaft strip, with the tail of the word zeppelin pointing where it should. (And with a ridiculous coloring error fixed.)

The artwork looks more like Keesterman should be speaking, doesn’t it? It’s practically a reverse angle of the May 19 strip, where Batton and Skip are the foreground characters. Which they should be, since they’re focus of the ~~dialogue~~ monologue. Today’s strip has the background characters doing the talking, even though they’ve been the focus characters this entire week.

This is such a grade school-level composition failure, that it looks like Tom Batiuk is passive-aggressively making a point to the “where’s Crankshaft?” crowd. “Oh, you want more Crankshaft? Fine! I’ll make him the biggest character on the page, while I continue talking about what I want to talk about!” I wonder how Mr. Batiuk, the young art teacher, would have graded this if one of his students submitted it.

Also: why do Ed, Ralph, and Keesterman all look like they’re talking? Only one of them should be talking. Ralph appears to be taking a bite. But his expression doesn’t match that action, unless that is the wryest piece of apple pie in culinary history.

When I made that Luann crossover parody, I spent a lot of time editing mouths, so that only the person speaking had their mouth open. And Tom Batiuk can’t put in that level of effort? Even when his entire comic strip can be built from Colorforms at this point? And when he’s getting paid to do this, and I’m not?

The Game Is On!

That insufferable jackass Batton Thomas is back to drone on about nothing while Skip pays rapt attention. Which means it’s time to evalulate the bets I solicited!

G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin? May 18. One point if you got it right.

G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”? Skip said “so you talked the last time about…,” so that’s a Yes. One point if you got it right. He doesn’t have to say those exact words.

G3. Where will they meet? Not 100% confirmed, but it looks like Montoni’s, which is worth half a point. I’m sure Mindy will be by on Wednesday to drop off the pizza. (TUESDAY UPDATE: The presence of Ed, Ralph, and Keesterman in the background suggests they are at Dale Evans instead. And maybe that Batiuk is feeling some pressure to at least pretend Ed Crankshaft is still the main character.)

G4. What recording device will Skip use? Skip’s cell phone is visible. Half a point.

A7. How many times will Skip smirk? Wow, twice already, and it’s only Monday. We’ll count again at the end of the week.

M4. Who will Batton name-drop? Nobody yet, but I’m going to make a ruling that it has to be a real person. His “band director character” is obviously Dinkle, but that’s not what I’m looking for here.

M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point? Of course, he already has. Take your .0001 point and get out of here.

M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles? He mentions Bizarro Dinkle becoming popular, but that’s not the same as doing actual work. So not yet, but it could still happen this week.

M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit? I’m counting today’s strip as Gluttony. Batton has spoken at so many potluck dinners that he got Tupperware poisoning, implying that he must have consumed a massive amount of the food there.

Also, I’m going to make a general ruling here: simply meeting at Montoni’s counts as Gluttony. Dale Evans, by itself, doesn’t count as gluttony, since they have some non-gluttonous offerings. Even if they’re just things Ed Crankshaft orders to do one of his stupid puns.

That’s everything I can evaluate so far, because the others are weeklong totals, or they are for events that can still happen later this week. By the end of the week (including a possible Sunday), this post will be a complete list of all the wagers that were offered. And I’ll tally up a winner of those of you who made selections.

Ian’s Drunken Beard is the early leader:

G1 – May 18

G2 – Yes

G4 – cell phone

M6 – Yes

That’s 2.5001 points! And some of his other plays like “7 smirks” and “6 deadly sins” look pretty good so far.

After this week, I’ll calculate the totals, and standardize the set of offerings going forward.

WEDNESDAY UPDATE: We have a sideways panel, and some early artwork. That would fulfill the following:

A5. Will there be a sideways strip? 1 point, of 5 if there is a second one later this week.

A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear? This appears to be real-life pre-Funky Winkerbean artwork, which is worth 1.5 points if we can confirm it. Let me know if you can, or there’s a blog post explaining it.

THURSDAY UPDATE: Today we learn that “Harry Finkle” will straight-up commit murder, Crankshaft-Pop Clutch style, to sell band candy. Surprisingly, this doesn’t violate any new deadly sins. It’s not Wrath, because it’s not motivated by hatred. There doesn’t seem to be a deadly sin that covers what we would modern law would call “criminal negligence” or “involuntary manslaughter.”

Which makes me question whether the 7 Deadly Sins bet is viable. Batton either breaks them constantly (Pride, Sloth); never breaks them (Wrath); or are things Tom Batiuk would never have one of his own “good” characters do (Lust). Gluttony is largely a function of where/what they’re eating. Greed only manifests itself in the Funkyverse in the form of highly valuable comic books. As for Envy, Batton doesn’t commit this sin so much as he inspires others to commit it. The encounter with his wannabe rockstar neighbor right after he got his cartoonist gig is a perfect example.

I’ll honor the wager for this week, but I don’t think it’ll be part of the game going forward. (And yes, there will be a game going forward.)

FRIDAY UPDATE: We have the Batton face! That hits the easiest target on wager A1.

SATURDAY UPDATE: That word zeppelin isn’t quite big enough to fulfill A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel?

I will post a final tally after Sunday’s strip. (Sunday strips count, if the strip is related to the Batton Thomas interviews.)

Betton Thomas

Before I came to SoSF, I was a contributor to a college sports blog, where I also ran a play-money betting contest. So I speak the language of odds and vigorish and parlays. Tapping into that experience will be my latest approach to dealing with the Batton Death March. I love playful betting!

Since Tom Batiuk is snarking himself so hard there’s no reason for us to bother anymore, I’m setting up a little contest! Make predictions about the next installment of the Batton Thomas interview. (Because we all know there’s going to be another installment.) Score points if your prediction is correct. Choose from 20 different bets!

Make choices, and score a total number of points based on the difficulty of the prediction. -1 point for any incorrect choice. Make a comment listing your choices, and the bet number for each. After each week ends, I’ll tally the sore. If you want to review previous weeks, I’ve been keeping the Compleat Batton Thomas post updated.

RULES: All bets are for the entire week. Sunday strips count, if they feature Batton Thomas. Each panel counts as a separate mention. (So if Skip smirks in two different panels of the same strip, that counts as two smirks for bet #A7.) The house (i.e., me) judges all bets.

General

G1. When will the next week of the Batton Death March begin?

April 27, May 4, May 11, May 18, May 25 (1 point each), June (2 points), later in 2026 (3 points), not at all in 2026 (10,000 points)

G2. Will Skip start the week by making a comment about “continuing the interview”?

Yes or No (1 point each)

G3. Where will they meet?

Montoni’s (.5 point), Batton’s studio, Centerview Sentinel offices, Dale Evans, Komix Korner (1 point each), a location from Tom Batiuk’s personal life (1.5 points), none of these (2 points). 10 points for a specific new location which you name.

G4. What recording device will Skip use?

None (1 point), pen and paper (2 points), cell phone (0.5 points), other (3 points)

Artwork

A1. How many times will this image be used?

Not at all (2.5 points), once (0.1 point), two or more times (2.5 points). Mirrored versions, smaller versions, and slightly edited versions of the image count.

A2. Will there be a word balloon that is more than half the size of the panel?

Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (4 points)

A3. How many flashback images will there be?

None (2 points), Only One (.5 points), More Than One (1 point)

A4. Will a flashback image include a real person?

Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (1.5 points). 5 points for any real person you can name.

A5. Will there be a sideways strip?

Yes, No (1 point each), More Than One (5 points)

A6. What early Tom Batiuk artwork will appear?

None (0.5 points), his childhood drawings (1.5 points), pre-Funky Winkerbean work such as Rapping Around (2 points), Funky Winkerbean art (2.5 points), childhood drawings by someone else (5 points)

A7. How many times will Skip smirk?

1 point per smirk, but your guess has to be exactly right. 10,000 points if you predict zero smirks and are correct.

A8. What intellectual property will be appropriated?

DC or Marvel characters (.1 point), characters from other comic strips (.5 points) someone else’s artwork, but you can name the person (2 points).

Subject Matter

M1. Will Batton mention comic books?

No (2 points), Only Once (.1 points), More Than Once (2 points)

M2. In which of the following ways will comic books appear?

Batton failing to get a job at DC or Marvel (.1 point), a comic book cover Batton had no stated role in creating (.1 points), a comic book cover Batton helped create (.2 points), collectible value (.3 points), writing for comic books (.5 points).

M3. Will Batton quote someone?

Yes (1.5 points), No (.5 points). 10 points if you can name them specifically,

M4. Who will Batton name-drop?

5 points for anyone you can name specifically. 10 points if that person hasn’t appeared yet.

M5. Who will Batton bash?

5 points for anyone you can name specifically. 10 points if that person hasn’t appeared yet.

M6. Will Batton act like a complete jackass at some point?

Yes (.0001 points), No (10000 points)

M7. Will Batton talk about doing actual work on Three O’Clock High or The Wrinkles?

Yes (.0001 points), No (10000 points)

M8. How many of the seven deadly sins will Batton commit?

One point for each, but you have to get it exactly right

Roll Your Own!

If you want to make a bet on something other than the above, post it in your comment, and I’ll offer a payout.

Batton Thomas, You Asked For It. Luann DeGroot, You Too.

Recently, the comic strip Luann has been irritating me almost as much as the Batton Death March, which begins its 11th week today. Luann‘s tedious story arc is about a “Career Paths” class, which seems to be the only class the title character is taking in her 27th semester of junior college.

I decided to improve both stories, by crashing them into each other.

Text that appears in the standard Crankshaft or Luann font is unedited from the original strip, except for minor rewording, and sometimes being paired with different artwork.

Warning: The parody story text contains lots of foul language.