And now, we return you to your scheduled program of…
Speaking Frankly, The Fallen Leaf.
Tonight we’re travelling back to a magical place, Hollywood. And we’re travelling back to a magical time, 2016.
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OK, which one of you yutzes bet Tom Batiuk that he couldn’t put together another strip about
Bernie Silver’s senior pictures? I suppose we have you to thank for … today’s strip
The good news is we can all boot up our Packard Bells and our MS Paints and join Bernie out in Tinseltown, where we’ll be paid handsomely for our rudimentary green screen skills (citation needed). Here’s a blank Bernie to start with:
Now go forth… The possibilities are endless!
The deaths that built Gordon Lightfoot’s house!
Son of Stuck Funky
Amazon smirk, Bernie, Bernie Silver, Bernie's Parents, book, books no one will ever read, comic books, Falling leaves, Hollywood, knowing smirks, leaves, senior year, smirk, smirking, smirks, Superman, technology, these kids today, WHS
NOT look like someone who is willing to give away her Oscar in the first . No, she’s looking at that Oscar the way most characters in this strip look at comic books. today’s strip
The rest of this is as rote and pat as an Oscar acceptance speech can be, so let’s have some fun with another crowd shot of “famous” faces. Help me fill in the blanks and fix the mistakes where my corrective lenses deceived me.
A replicant NO NECK JOE! Alana Haim deserves better seats than this Stanley Tucci on a ski trip David Duchovny’s face HAL 9000 putting on its best gold Debra Jo Rupp General U.S. Grant again A cumulonimbus cloud I don’t know, but her body language is appropriate David Duchovny’s hair Cousin It Beldar Conehead Hogarth Hughes Maria, from Sesame Street Cassidy’s sister, Alexus Kerr (see, I can do it too, TB) Yoko Ono Harold Lloyd (I mean, if Phil Holt is alive…) The Chinless Contessa Given her glare I’m guessing this is either Gretchen Gold or Cordelia Rama Burt Reynolds (again… Phil Holt) Jennifer Anniston’s hair Sid, from accounting We have General Grant, so why not Robert E. Lee too?
Son of Stuck Funky
Academy Awards, Anon-O-Character, anon-o-character with oddly-shaped head, Anon-O-Characters, Anon-O-Dork, awards, awful wordplay, backs of ears, bad fictional movies, bad manners, bad movies, bad wordplay, cancer movie, Cassidy, Cassidy Kerr, China, Cindy, enraging hair strands, forehead, giant mouths, Hollywood, lame wordplay, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Lisa's Story-The Movie, Marianne, Marianne Winters, Martin Johns, Mason, Mason Jarr, Mason Jarre, Mason' Marianne, Masone Jarre, misappropriated wordplay, mouths way too low on the face, movies, Now Cindy, Oscar, Oscars, silly awards, someone who looks slightly like Owen, sub-moronic wordplay, terrible wordplay, unearned awards, ungratefulness, unnatural hand gestures, wordplay
Is it worse than we all feared
Or simply as bad
If I was popcorn
I would be quite offended
By this portrayal
Les hated this film
Why would he even watch this
Was today's strip happy it failed
In this case, "writer"
Would not describe Les as he
Did not write the script
This deserves more scorn
I'm a skink, I can't rant, so
I'm counting on you
Rip this thing to shreds
Kill it with all of the fire
Or just acetone
Son of Stuck Funky
Academy Awards, awards, bad fictional movies, bad ideas, bad movies, cancer movie, Cayla, disgust, furniture, getting a writing credit when there's no writing in the strip, giant mouths, hatchet face, Hollywood, it's called "writing", Les, Les being a giant smug douche, Les. Cayla, Lisa's Story Movie, Lisa's Story-The Movie, Lisa's Story, Marianne, Marianne Winters, movies, not how the world works, not how things work, oddly muted squiggly lines, Oscar, Oscars, popcorn, public speaking, rewarding the worst, silly awards, smug inept bearded jerks, squiggly lines, squiggly lines used to denote texture, terrible ideas, terrible overacting, this is all a horrible mistake, tiny hands, TV, unearned awards, unnatural hand gestures, Watchin' television, writing
, Marianne is coming off as not simply composed but rehearsed, belying the today’s strip nerves and words she had just a few days ago. Or maybe Marianne is just that good of an actress and really is worthy of that Oscar… I have to admit, only a great actress could say that Mason and deserve Academy Award nominations without breaking out in riotous laughter. Lisa’s Story
Let’s look at some odds on who this Oscar-worthy “
very special person” is:
100-1 Cassidy Kerr, for giving Mason points on the backend 1,000-1 “Mr. Director” Martin Johns, for keeping his head when Marianne went AWOL from the Starbuck Jones set, actually trying to reach Marianne instead of pointlessly pontificating, and then contacting the actual authorities like a sane person 1 million-1 Cable Movie Entertainment and Clay Wallace, for letting Mason pitch Lisa’s Story at another studio with no resistance after he torpedoed their Lisa production by quitting to become Starbuck Jones (nope, it ultimately wasn’t the infamous “kill fee”) 75-1 Cindy, for arranging to use Bull’s funeral as a pre-production springboard for the movie 275-1 Holly, for demanding the movie be made but not demanding her role be portrayed 50-1 Rex Morgan MD, for… uh, aren’t people always giving him things for no reason? 700-1 Cayla, for being inhumanly comfortable with being treated as a silver medal 40-1 Marianne’s oncologist, for obvious reasons 10-1 Lisa, for dying 27-1 Lisa’s oncologist, for obvious reasons itsgonnabehim-1 Les, for absolutely no defensible reason at all
Son of Stuck Funky
Academy Awards, awards, cancer films, comma eyes, complete lack of humor, Complete Worthless Ass, crowd, crowds, encroaching dread, Hollywood, impending doom, Les, Lisa, Lisa's Story Movie, Lisa's Story-The Movie, Lisa's Story, Los Angeles, Marianne, Marianne Winters, Mason, Mason Jarr, Mason Jarre, Mason' Marianne, Masone Jarre, movies, oh no, Oscar, Oscars, sickening dread, silly awards, unearned awards, weird noses