Tag Archives: Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape

by billytheskink | October 21, 2020 · 10:30 pm

Getting the runaround

Did you know President Bill Clinton likes to jog? I sure didn’t, at least not until today’s strip… and when I say “today’s strip”, I mean “when he was first elected President”. Does TB think calling him “President Clinton” is not enough of an identifier for readers or did he just recently start watching a DVD box set of 1990s Saturday Night Live episodes?

What’s with all the Eeyores in the first panel? Funky just dialed up BILL CLINTON on a whim, got the former POTUS to answer directly, and was told by the man himself that he would help. Why is Rachel even questioning this?

Better yet, why am I questioning this? Any of this? It’s been a fool’s errand for decades.

48 Comments

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Tagged as 1/4 inch from reality, Adeela, Amicus Breef, An idiocy of Winkerbeans, cell phones, cellphone, delusional fantasies, deportation, enraging hair strands, exercise, Falling leaves, Funky, Funky Winkerbean, half-assed political commentary, Holly, hoodie, how things are NEVER done, immigration, leaves, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, melting faces, mistaken identity, Montoni's, Montoni's logo, Montoni's T shirt, not how the world works, Now Funky, President Clinton, Rachel, sad-sackery, sheer idiocy, stupid, tags you never thought you'd use, technology, terrible artwork, the raptor claw in Holly's hair, this is all a horrible mistake, Wally, you have got to be f-ing kidding me

by billytheskink | October 14, 2020 · 10:30 pm

De-10-tion Center

Amicus continues to Amicus in today’s strip, quoting last year’s newspaper headlines almost verbatim… Big kudos to commenter Banana Jr. 6000 for uncovering Breef’s past appearance in Crankshaft back on Monday. The “Lionel Hutz of Westview” is not only less entertaining than the beloved Simpsons character (obviously), he also appears to somehow be even less competent at practicing law than the intentionally idiotic Hutz.

Writing facial recognition software in the Batiukverse has got to be the ultimate fool’s errand. While I was not able to find any source for Amicus’ 20% of the time figure here in real life internetland, in Westview I would think the figure would be well above that. WAY well above that.

40 Comments

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Tagged as Adeela, Amicus Breef, arcs where nothing happens, boredom personified, crosshatching, deportation, encroaching dread, enraging hair strands, Falling leaves, immigration, impending doom, jail, leaves, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, neatly lettered signs, one of those arcs that just never seems to end, please make it stop, sad-sackery, sarcasm, technology, terrible artwork, this is all a horrible mistake, Wally

by billytheskink | April 10, 2020 · 10:30 pm

Get the Buck outta here!

We can only hope today’s strip is the awful coda to this awful story arc about these awful people.

This is why you turned down Buck’s advances, Linda? Not because he was being incredibly creepy and distasteful? Not because you are still mourning your husband who committed suicide not even 6 months ago and don’t feel like jumping into any relationship? Not because you know absolutely nothing about him beyond his high school football career? Not because the only thing you two demonstratively have in common is your late husband?

I agree with Linda on one thing, though. I can’t go through this again, either.

35 Comments

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Tagged as Batiukmobile®, boredom personified, bricks, Buck, Buck Bedlow, Bull, character death, creepiness, creepy, CTE, death, disgust, disillusionment, endless tedium, impending doom, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Linda, Linda Bushka, Old dying people, RIP Bull, sad-sackery, silhouette, Squick, things that never end, welcoming death

by billytheskink | January 14, 2020 · 10:30 pm

Die or Die Not, There Is No Try

Today’s strip takes a pre-dick-tably maudlin turn. Like we didn’t all know “Les tries to sullenly undermine this dumb movie thing” was going to be the gist of this story arc.

Even if I wasn’t short on time to write this, I’m wouldn’t archive dive to prove that Lisa did or did not say what Les is claiming at some point in time… because I can quickly and easily point to a time when she pretty much said the exact opposite.

36 Comments

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Tagged as cancer, Cayla, character death, chemotherapy, comma eyes, death, encroaching dread, Hollywood, Les, Les being a giant smug douche, Les. Cayla, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Lisa, Lisa's Story, Los Angeles, lost cause, Mason, Mason Jarr, Mason Jarre, Mason's Nose, movies, retcon, retcons of retcons, sad-sackery, sheer idiocy, sickening dread, smug inept bearded jerks, welcoming death

by billytheskink | October 11, 2019 · 10:30 pm

Deafinitely Dumb

Hey, remember when this story arc was about Bull?
Today’s strip sure doesn’t.

Look, I’m just going to gloss over the fact that Dinkle was actually introduced well over a year into this strip’s existence and just give TB credit for remembering that Funky Winkerbean itself is 47 (and a half) years old… And with that out of the way I’ll go right into wondering what the heck this has to do with Bull, his condition, his life, or anything. I guess if you twist your neck 117 degrees and squint until you experience sharp pain in your temples it appears the notoriously egotistical Dinkle (or is that Buck?) is paying Bull a compliment by saying they were equals despite his long and incessant history of considering all things inferior to himself and his marching band. But really this is just TB repackaging his biggest hit.

Dinkle is the only thing about this strip that has ever moved merchandise. His “football fields are for band practice!” bit covers books and t-shirts, and even serves as his character’s introductory line in the stage play Funky Winkerbean’s Homecoming. Dinkle’s shtick has sold band posters (“Dinkle wants your horn to twinkle”) and shoes, and no less than 9 Dinkle-specific collections of FW strips have been published! No, seriously, there have been 4 Lisa books and 9 Dinkle books.

Football Fields are for Band Practice!
Sunday Concert
Harry L. Dinkle Live at Carnegie Hall
I Never Promised You a Rose Parade
Gone with The Woodwinds
Would the Ushers Please Lock the Doors!
Attack of the Band Moms
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Football Field
Music is Worth it… Music is Worth it… Music is…

This is nothing more than TB pushing his most-recognized character/cash cow into a story the New York Times inexplicably gave him ink for. Ugh!

43 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

Tagged as Act I call-backs, Becky, Bull, character death, CTE, death, Dinkle, endless tedium, football, funeral, Harry Dinkle, Jack Stropp, leaves, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, marching band, marching bands, old Harry Dinkle, one of those arcs that just never seems to end, pinned-up sleeve, rain, retcon, ridiculous clothes, RIP Bull, Scapegoats, sheer idiocy, silhouette, silhouettes, smirk, things that never end, things to do in Westview when you're dead, time travel, times I wish I'd never discovered FW at all, uninteresting stupid anecdotes, Westview H.S., Westview High School, Westview HS Band

by billytheskink | October 8, 2019 · 10:30 pm

Lespicable

I don’t have words right now for today’s strip, so here is a list of synonyms for “Les Moore” that I found in the thesaurus:

cheap, contemptible, cruddy, deplorable, dirty, grubby, lame, lousy, mean, nasty, paltry, pitiable, pitiful, ratty, scabby, scummy, scurvy, sneaking, sorry, wretched, abhorrent, abominable, condemnable, detestable, execrable, hateful, loathsome, odious, disgusting, reptilian, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, revulsive, discreditable, disgraceful, dishonorable, disreputable, ignominious, shameful, base, ignoble, low, shabby, sordid, squalid, vile, blamable, censurable, reprehensible, reproachable, cowardly, craven, dastardly, unethical, unprincipled, unscrupulous, base, currish, detestable, execrable, low-down, low-minded, snide, sordid, , evil, foul, immoral, iniquitous, wicked, cruel, vicious, debased, degenerate, depraved, atrocious, villainous, monstrous, horrible, appalling, pathetic, egomaniacal, jerky, are-you-still-in-high-school-?-good-grief-get-over-it-man-!-don’t-you-have-a-life-now-?

Please feel free to add any that I and Merriam-Webster may have missed. Thanks.

Also, just to remind anyone who wasn’t reading back in 2011, or those who have had the good fortune to forget, Bull’s bullying of Les in high school was an act to protect Les from real bullies. It’s like Les doesn’t even read this strip…

64 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

Tagged as Act I call-backs, Bull, bullying, Cayla, character death, crappy ploddinng stories that never get anywhere, CTE, death, disgust, endless tedium, Falling leaves, funeral, impending doom, Les, Les being a giant smug douche, Les' death, Les' Slob-ass Tie, Les. Cayla, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Now Les, one of those arcs that just never seems to end, rain, Remembrence of Strips Past, retcon, RIP Bull, things that never end, things to do in Westview when you're dead

by billytheskink | October 7, 2019 · 10:30 pm

Memories… Summer good, Summer not

It’s back to the WABAC machine in today’s strip. No, I’m not talking about the flashback to “five years ago…”, I’m talking about Bull’s funeral, which has itself moved two-and-a-half years backward in time in order to accommodate a five years ago flashback featuring players Bull last coached in the spring of 2012. Well, at least we are getting something that is actually about Bull in this one… that’s so damning with faint praise that it could keep an ocean at bay. (“Billy was a special blogger”, they said at his funeral.)

Also, I tagged both Keisha and Linda in this, because I’m not sure which one of them is standing next to Summer in panel 3.

39 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

Tagged as awful wordplay, bad wordplay, basketball, Bull, Cayla, character death, coffin, coloring gaffes, CTE, death, dumb clothing jokes, Falling leaves, funeral, impending doom, Keisha, lame wordplay, Les, Les' Slob-ass Tie, Les. Cayla, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Linda, Linda Bushka, one of those arcs that just never seems to end, please make it stop, rain, random students, real places in Ohio, Remembrence of Strips Past, retcon, RIP Bull, sad-sackery, sub-moronic wordplay, Summer, terrible wordplay, things that never end, things to do in Westview when you're dead, unidentified background objects, Westview H.S., Westview High School, word zeppelins, wordplay

by billytheskink | October 6, 2019 · 10:30 pm

Back Page News

Are you wondering how Bull’s wife and children are mourning his death? Maybe how his former players and fellow coaches, whose lives he surely had a large impact on, have reacted? Well, too bad for you, for the art of storytelling, and for general decency… because today’s strip is focused on four schmucks, only one of whom even knows Bull moderately well (and one who has NEVER once met the guy) and none of whom have talked to Bull in at least 3 full years. Heck, they aren’t even talking about Bull, they are awkwardly reminding us that Cindy was popular in high school.

Bull’s death only made page 2 of the Westview Gazette? This is a town with only five employers and Bull was the most decorated employee in the history of the largest of those. What could possibly have made the front page?

70 Comments

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Tagged as Cayla, character death, characters everyone hates, Cindy, complete lack of humor, Complete Worthless Ass, CTE, death, Falling leaves, football, funeral, Les, Les being a giant smug douche, Les' death, Les' Slob-ass Tie, Les. Cayla, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Linda, Linda Bushka, Mason, Mason Jarr, Mason Jarre, Mason's Nose, newspapers, Nobottom Road, Now Cindy, one of those arcs that just never seems to end, please make it stop, rain, RIP Bull, sad-sackery, smirk, Spider-Man, things that never end, things to do in Westview when you're dead, traffic accidents, traffic fatalities, Westview Gazette, Westview H.S., Westview High School

by Charles | January 22, 2018 · 10:19 pm

Jelloponically Blown

Today’s strip continues this week’s dumb one-off jokefest by having Logan Church join Progressively-Lumpier Black Guy and Preschooler Bernie Silver. Batiuk shows his lack of range by putting Logan in the now Westview woman uniform colors of magenta and black. Make her vest a cardigan and she’s stolen the elderly Holly’s wardrobe.

Anyway, dumb joke about mandarin oranges and Jello, which, for the record, I have only seen together sparingly in my many years on this planet, and none of those times in a school cafeteria. That Lumpy finishes Bernie’s punchline only underscores how labored this joke is.

And one wonders why Logan, who was introduced as savvy enough to have a business blog “picked up by ABC News”, would be hanging out with these two goobers. Perhaps her status nosedived when she switched her ethnicity.

18 Comments

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Tagged as Bernie Silver, Cafeteria food, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Logan Church, Lumpy Black Guy, Westview High School

by Charles | January 21, 2018 · 11:19 pm

Brown bag it, dumbasses

Today’s strip shows Batiuk at his most daring – a strip about how cafeteria food is terrible! Who else but Batiuk would have the fortitude to take on this controversial, multitudinous topic?

Anyway, he blows it by having the cafeteria lady herself refer to the slop in front of Bernie and the random lumpy black guy who hangs around with Bernie as “Mystery Meat”, “Cafeteria Cod” and “Leftover Drum Rolls”. That kind of defeats the whole purpose of Bernie and Lumpy commenting on it, doesn’t it?

“What are you serving for lunch?”

“Something terrible.”

“Wow, you’re serving something terrible for lunch.”

21 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

Tagged as Bernie Silver, Cafeteria food, Cafeteria Lady, Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape, Lumpy Black Guy, Westview High School

Tag Archives: Life is a dismal horror from which you can never escape

Getting the runaround

De-10-tion Center

Get the Buck outta here!

Die or Die Not, There Is No Try

Deafinitely Dumb

Lespicable

Memories… Summer good, Summer not

Back Page News

Jelloponically Blown

Brown bag it, dumbasses

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