Tag Archives: Batiukmobile®

by | April 15, 2018 · 12:32 am

Boyz On The Hood

Today’s strip is too stupid for words. These two drove up to the Hollywood sign to reflect on all of those poor souls who never find the success in the entertainment industry that they completely stumbled into and NEVER earned? Tone deaf doesn’t even begin to describe how tone def this is.

Which one of these two owns this 2009 Mitsubishi Eclipse and how long have they actually been a 16 year old girl in disguise? It is so close to the unprotected edge of the mountain… won’t someone please drop this thing into neutral? Pretty please.

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by | March 25, 2018 · 10:31 pm

Hollywood Squares

Link To Today’s One

“So what do you think about having me repeat the premise one more goddamned f*cking time, Darin?”

“Well, I’d sure hate to force my always-complaint wife and young son to move again just so I can chase yet another ridiculous comic book-related pipe dream……”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

As their Hyndau Axolotl chugs down Hagglemore Lane in a cloud of leaded gasoline smoke, the “guys” ponder their next move. Do they blow off their commitments and a potentially lucrative payday to write silly dialog and doodle on behalf of Chester’s wildly half-assed idea or do they continue to humiliate and degrade themselves on Hollywood’s cruel, sadistic, indifferent and depraved altar instead? Decisions, decisions. They wanted to add a ninety year old actor they found living in squalor to a half-finished movie and bam, just like that he’s a global superstar getting married to ninety year old starlets. But pondering a job offer? That will require months if not years of endless introspection and rehashing as they very slowly ponder this crucial comic book-altering choice.

I almost can’t believe this is still going. This arc began back on February 12th, this is (gasp) week six right now. Not a whole lot of modern-day FW arcs go on for this long, especially consecutively like this. We’ve seen more Boy Lisa over the last six weeks than we’ve seen in years, it wasn’t all that long ago when the poor sap couldn’t even get a single weekly arc to himself. And everyone was OK with that, actually. But I have to say, this arc’s annoying staying power sort of surprises me, mindlessly skipping from story to story is kind of his trademark and it’s jarring when he doesn’t do it.

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by | March 11, 2018 · 10:28 pm

What Hath Chester Wrought?

Link To Today’s Strip

Sure Pete, wrought iron work like that seems to be a lost art these days, sort of like how it’s been impossible to find actual jokes in FW since 1981 or so. Sigh. At least they’re finally there, although that driveway looks like it could very well take several more weeks to navigate. And speaking of navigating, that’s a spiffy Batiukmobile they’re in, eh? I recall seeing a few of those over in Albania before communism fell, they’d hand them out to all high-ranking party officials. I’m dying to see an arc centering around Westview’s new and used car lot, “Crazy Hektor’s House Of Off-Brand Motor Cars”. I’m assuming that the proprietor of Westview’s auto parts store hung himself years ago after one too many dreary locals came in looking for a rear flangelator for a ’92 Labda 3-cylinder diesel.

I hate how every FW character needs to wonder everything aloud just to repeat the premise over and over. I mean come on BatNard, we f*cking know where they’re going, they’ve been bantering about it almost non-stop for five weeks now. I really hope there’s a valet or something, as I don’t think I’ll survive a week-long arc about those newfangled backup cameras the new cars have nowadays and how much better it was when you had to turn around to see behind you “back in the day”. It’s a near certainty that we won’t know what Chester wants until Saturday, the question is how will he kill the next four days? My educated guess: moronic comic book banter. But you already knew that.

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by | February 26, 2018 · 10:30 pm

Taking Sides

Link to today’s strip.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your reading pleasure enjoyment fun made easier, we present today’s strip vertically.  Neckstrain begone!

Why Tom Batiuk feels he has to create strips like this is something completely beyond my comprehension.  It’s not like this is witty or insightful dialogue that deserves a special presentation.  It can easily fit into a regularly oriented strip.  But then, it wouldn’t stand out on the comics page!  And once standing out, the reader reads and either shrugs or gets mad.  Today’s episode can basically be reworded thus:  “How’s Mindy?”  “Eh.  [pause] You were pretty snooty in high school.”  “Was not.”

You could make the argument that the dialogue I wrote above isn’t funny.  And I’d agree with you.  Then I’d ask you if you thought Tom Batiuk’s dialogue was funny, and there’d be this awkward silence until I said something like “Say, how about those sports teams!” and we could go on with our lives.

The main point here seems to be that Peeved is half-assing his relationship with Mindy…who lives in Centerville.  Ohio.  And apparently he goes out to see her enough that she hasn’t completely forgotten about him, like I wish I could.  So maybe he does jet out to Ohio all the time?  And yet this trip is some big deal?  I guess maybe he just uses Skype to, uh, “court” her, the way he did when he and Dullard were in separate cities.   What a fun thing for her, eh?  Lucky thing for Peeved that Mindy has no standards and decided on him.  She obviously has no expectations out of life whatsoever, other than it will, at some point, mercifully end.

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by | February 25, 2018 · 10:30 pm

Installing a Hard Drive

Link to today’s strip.

Hiya folks, BChasm back manning the tower.  Thanks to Comic Book Harriet for her excellent stint last week; that she was more entertaining than the strip itself goes without saying, if I do say so myself.

As for today’s entry, well those of you speculating that Dullard, Jess, Skyler and Peeved were going to drive to Ohio were indeed on the right track.  The fact that this trip is going to take nearly forty hours of non-stop driving to cover nearly 2300 miles makes this plan an idiot’s delight.   If this was a week-long vacation trip to see the country and visit some landmarks, that would work fine, but Dullard said the purpose was to visit “the grandparents” so this just becomes a stupid waste of time.  (Hey!  Just like some comic strips!)  Oh well, I bet Skyler’s been ret-conned into a teenager, so he can probably help with the driving.

And it’s not as if these people are afraid of air travel–I seem to recall Peeved beaming dopily at some Ohio landmark (Les’ house?).  I’m sure in Tom Batiuk’s mind, a trip like this is mebbe a leetle bit longer than going from Dayton to Columbus, so gasoline, restaurants, hotels and a screaming toddler wouldn’t be issues at all.

And yes–it is possible that they’re just driving to the airport.  And all this garbage about  backpacks is just as meaningless as every other episode of this strip.  But, you know, telling the readers things (“I’ll be happy to give you a lift to the airport”) is so much more effective than simply attempting some “wry” “banter” that implies an arduous journey.

But doing things the simple, logical, understandable way, so that readers know what’s going on…why, that never leads to award nominations.

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by | September 6, 2017 · 10:30 pm

Re-Pete-I-Tion

Link to today’s strip.

I find the most reasonable explanation for Mindy’s attraction to Pete is the one offered by a number of commentors–she’s hoping to sleep her way into some of those Starbuck Jones/Cable Movie Entertainment millions so she can buy her way out of this strip.  That’s surprisingly cynical for a strip like this, but, let’s face it–Pete is otherwise a repellent character, who has no attractive features of any kind, and only an insane/desperate person would find him worthy of affection.  I mean, he and Mindy had two remarkably stupid conversations, and suddenly she wants to divert from the airport to Bedside Manor?  (To meet He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Strip, of course.)  I’d find it more plausible if she was driving him to some remote field where she’d force him to dig his own grave before gifting him with a bullet.

Pete is one manifestation of the Ultimate Batiuk Form–the Whiner.  If Mindy is serious about wanting to be with him, she had better get used to endless whining about how hard he has to work at what would otherwise be his dream job.  Because those who exist in the Funkyverse without constant complaining don’t truly exist at all.

Of course, the sleeping-to-the-top theory falls down when you realize this would mean a female character has drive and ambition–and those things are not directed toward bringing milk and cookies to her comic-reading man.  Sorry, everyone.

It does remind me of the old Hollywood joke–this one comes from the 1930’s I believe, so it’s right there on Nostalgia Boulevard.  “Did you hear about the aspiring actress?  She was so stupid, she slept with the writer!”

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by | March 13, 2017 · 10:30 pm

The Man Who Slanted Trees

Go see today’s strip
Unless you do not want to
You won’t miss a thing

Day two of this arc
Funky is so out of shape
This is in real time

Be careful Funky
That hillside is full of stones
That can trip you up

Darin trespasses
And finds himself getting shot
Same fate for Funky?

Funky’s four-door car
Back down to two doors just like
All Batiukmobiles

If this turns into
A big rip-off of The Shack…
We have still seen worse

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