Author Archives: Epicus Doomus

About Epicus Doomus

V.P. at SoSF. Does not approve of new WP layout at all.

Septic Schlock

Link To Sunday’s Strip

A large tank full of a winter’s worth of the Winkerbean’s slowly-thawing poo or another day of Dinkle…no contest there. I’m choosing the poo ten out of ten times. I’d suggest stuffing Dinkle into that septic tank but it’d be a shame to spoil perfectly good poo like that. If he comes back tomorrow I’ll be crushed.

But anyhow, yeah, BatHam isn’t getting out a whole lot these days, that much is clear. Church, the eye doctor, the yard…that’s about it, my friends. “Well, it finally stopped snowing so I went outside and walked around the yard for a while and I noticed how the ground above the septic tank always thaws first. So I thought it’d be very funny to do a strip about that phenomenon”. Yes Tom, there’s much humor to be mined from the simple things we observe from our studio window and so forth. Sigh.

And with that my two weeks are up and it’s time to turn things over to our resident licensed (and bonded) Official Funkstorian, billytheskink! It’s been fun (except for the Dinkle stuff) and memorable (except for the Dinkle stuff). And SoSF’s official anniversary date is rapidly approaching, so keep your eyes peeled in case we decide to observe it or acknowledge it in any way. No, it won’t be a parody post, I promise.

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A Major Bummer

Link To This One

If “A” is for “asshole”, definitely. Are they aware that they’re not absolutely required to employ Dinkle and can fire him whenever they like? I believe Ohio is a “right to fire cackling assholes” state, too, unlike mine where you pretty much HAVE to be one to climb the ol’ coporate ladder. The church ladies are way too passive about it, they’re not a captive crowd like his old marching band students were, so why are they tolerating it? I think if they team up they could take him and quite frankly I’d be totally willing to help them if only I could.

But anyway yeah, Dinkle is an obnoxious taskmaster who loves to torture his charges and so forth. I have to assume this, as we never actually saw Dinkle doing much of anything, but church ladies never lie so therefore it must be true. If this is the end of the big St. Spires mini-mega arc it ended in classic FW style, with a “climax” that has all the impact of a damp tissue landing in a bathroom wastebasket. What a tedious ordeal, I mean Lord knows I’ve covered my fair share of really plodding, worthless FW arcs but man, this premise was feeble even by FW standards. Please let it be over.

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Freaking Unfunny Cackling Knob Yet Obnoxiously Ubiquitous Dopey Idiot Now Killing Ladies Expeditiously

Link To Today’s Strip

In hindsight perhaps my April Fools gag might have been somewhat jarring but nevertheless, it sure was funny. God I love you guys. We’re still here, no one is suing us and as far as I know Mr. Tom seems like a very nice man who just happens to write stupid comic strips. In case you’re wondering, no, this is not a parody strip and yes, he really did squeeze “see you next Tuesday” into a strip. I wonder if he knows? The Comics Code Authority is going to have his ass when they catch wind of this gaffe. If they ever somehow become aware of it, that is. Which seems sort of unlikely because, well, you know why.

“Sort of up there in years”…in Westview that means she’s a hundred and eleven at a minimum. Westview is like a Ukrainian mountain village where everyone lives to a hundred and fifty, with pizza instead of vodka. The way BatHam continuously mines the miseries of the elderly for laughs is always annoying and often downright troubling. Exhausted old ladies driving home after 2AM…stop dude, my knees are aching from all the slapping.

Coming tomorrow: the comedy kicks into overdrive as Gladys Goodtacia hits a deer on her drive home, putting her into a persistent vegetative state and jump-starting a protracted battle over her estate among her heirs. Harry’s punch line…”oh, deer!” is nominated for a Golden HaHa award by the Comic Strip Academy. This blog shuts down because the strip becomes too hilarious to goof on anymore.

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Important Site News

Well folks, it was bound to happen. We’ve been skating on some thin legal ice here for quite a while and unfortunately it’s finally caught up with us. I have been informed that our humble blog has received a cease and desist order from King Features Syndicate regarding various copyright and trademark infringements, which means there are some immediate changes in store for our site.

For starters, we must change our site name and URL. Effective tomorrow we will be located at www.comicstripsnarkblog.com, so please update your bookmarks. We are also no longer permitted to link to the strips themselves, thus our readers will have to locate the strips themselves going forward. We apologize for this inconvenience, however continuing to link to the daily strips without paying a licensing fee could result in legal issues.

Going forward be advised that we may not use full character names, as those names have been trademarked. Posts where characters are referred to by their full names will be deleted. Also we have no choice but to ban all parody strips and right now we are in the process of deleting the old parody strips from the blog. We may decide to delete the archives entirely after we assess how much work will be involved in bringing it “up to code”. As we currently understand it, even using the word “funky” may be deemed infringement, which will be limiting to say the least.

We sincerely apologize to our loyal followers. This will mark my final post here, as I cannot risk the possibility of a protracted and expensive legal dispute. I may still comment from time to time, particularly regarding the crowdsourcing effort we’re setting up to help defray some of the legal expenses we’ve already accrued. I’d like to thank everyone on our site for their continued support through the years and I hope you’ll all consider donating to our legal defense fund if and when that becomes necessary. It’s been an honor and a privilege amusing you all through the years. If you have any questions or concerns please contact TFH at comicstripsnarkblogadmin@aol.com for more information. Thank you all and goodbye for now.

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The Gossip According To Tom

Link To Today’s Strip

Women…LOL, amirite here fellas? Always unable to resist the urge to gossip…you know how they are! Anyhow, it got me to thinking, what do people in Westview gossip about anyway?

“And I heard he left her home alone while he gallivanted around Hollywood…twice!”

“Did ya know she’s been in college for eight years now?”

“Yup, that comic book store LOSES money every month! Oh, that poor, poor one-armed woman!”

“I’d heard he was gay but supposedly he’s engaged to some woman from Centerville.”

“Yeah, he wears glasses now. That wife of his…what a moron.”

“No one’s seen that therapy dog of his in a while.”

“This Dinkle guy once had a child set herself on fire, you know.”

“I heard it isn’t real mozzarella at all.”

“Yep, she was all over that Buck guy before they even pried Bull’s head from the helmet.”

“They tried to deport her but she’s involved with the Clintons somehow.”

“I heard smoking cigarettes cured his Alzheimer’s. He has a thing going with Holly’s mother, you know.”

The mind truly reels. Post your own Westview gossip here! Well, not “here”, but in the comment section.

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It’s Alright Church Lady, He’s Only Bleeding

Link To It

So biting himself until he draws blood is apparently how Dinkle reacts to new opportunities, which is a brand new character trait as far as I know. “Oh, yeah, Dinkle. He’s the guy who bites himself, right?”…nope, doesn’t ring a bell. I mean yeah, he bites all right, he bites big f*cking time, but until recently it was only metaphorically.

So obviously Dinkle will be “directing” the church choir, apparently WHILE he’s playing the organ, because Dinkle = music. Get ready for lots of hilarious scenarios, like making the church ladies sing in torrential downpours and forcing them to attend choir competitions chauffeured by the cranky old bus driver whose name escapes me at the moment. I think it’s “Dick Yank” or something along those lines.

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No Choir Boy

Link To The One Today

Ugh, this certainly doesn’t bode well for the rest of the week. When did they suddenly begin talking about the choir? I thought this was about the organ. And there’s no joke here, other than how this happened to Dinkle before back in 1977 or whatever. And that ain’t funny.

Instead of a silly hat that always covers his eyes, I believe Act III Dinkle should wear a silly hat that obscures his entire body AND his word balloons too. He’d be way more palatable that way. He’d still suck, of course, but at least we wouldn’t keep seeing proof of it.

This arc should be more like the movie “Hustle And Flow”. Dinkle would sit down at the organ and start playing a hot riff, then the church ladies would jump in and lay down a tight beat and it’d end with Dinkle in jail for beating the hell out of Les after discovering that Les threw his sheet music in the WHS urinal after promising Dinkle he’d get it to his publisher. I’d buy that anthology AND stand in line to get it signed, too.

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Sometimes Telling Is Preferable To Showing

Link To Today’s Strip

A: Eating pizza or having sex.

Q: What are the two things I’d least like to see the Dinkles doing?

Yuck. There’s some precedent here, as I seem to recall Dinkle making a lot of disgusting sexual innuendos during the infamous “Harry and Harriet go on their belated honeymoon” arc of whenever that was, maybe 2012 or thereabouts. It was their fiftieth anniversary and Dinkle blew off his own honeymoon for some imbecilic band thing, so they finally went to Niagara Falls and (zzzzzzzzz). I made it sound WAY more exciting than it was.

Coming next month: Wally’s new Dinkle-inspired marketing idea…sex pizza…doesn’t take off quite as well as breakfast pizza did back in the day. Wally finds himself embroiled in multiple lawsuits after Montoni’s customers badly burn themselves, but fortunately for Wally, Funky knows a guy.

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The Great Gig In The (Sigh)

Link To Today’s Strip

You know how sometimes a rarely-seen FW character will suddenly re-appear and you’re all like “wow, long time since we’ve seen him/her!” and it seems all novel and fresh for half a second but then within a day or two (tops) you’re already violently sick and tired of that seldom-seen character? Yep, Harriet.

On the other hand, you have (ugh) Dinkle, who’s around way, way, way too frequently. Once every six or seven years would be plenty. Unfortunately for everyone else, BatYam feels otherwise. This arc is exactly like digging out your driveway after a heavy wet snow and watching the snowplow roar by as it buries your driveway once more. In some ways it’s even worse than that, as snow doesn’t typically cackle.

Coming next week: in keeping with Funkyverse tradition, Dinkle dies while playing the organ. Commenters on SoSF are ecstatic, at least until Ghost Dinkle visits Becky for the very first (but not last) time. “Harry’s Story…The Other Marching Shoe“.

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Has Harry Ever Been Experienced? Well, Has He?

Link To The Thing

Now that you mention it I can’t recall ever seeing Dinkle actually playing a musical instrument. Surely he has and I’m just blotting it out for obvious reasons, but isn’t he really more of a conductor of sorts? Or am I just remembering his entire ten thousand year character arc all wrong?

Look how angry he is in panel two, as if these old biddies would know who the hell Harry Dinkle is. Where the hell did he learn how to play a big church organ anyhow? In the Army or something? It’s all so stupid and implausible. He couldn’t even create a backstory here, where we learn that Dinkle’s dad Hinkel used to play the organ at his old church and young Harry used to tag along or whatever. He’s just the “music guy” and BatHam’s go-to whenever “music” is somehow involved, like Les and smugness or Boy Lisa and blandness.

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