Author Archives: Epicus Doomus

To Bespectacled Or Not To Bespectacled

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Way to pad the strip out with oversized dialog-free panels where nothing happens, Pulitzer (nominee) Boy. “This is what a real casting session looks like!”…big f*cking deal. I assumed it looked something like that but I never cared enough to verify it, so thanks there, Tom. “Only to see”…there’s a gag so old and so musty he had to spray it with Pledge before he used it. There’s only one word that aptly describes this one…”duh”.

Why are Les and Cindy sitting there at all? The idea that Mason needs to stage this charade in order to sway a recalcitrant Les is dumber than a pillowcase full of broken toasters. Since when is everyone so afraid of Les? What HE gonna do? Take his stupid story and go home?

Coming soon: After ruining the project in a smug fussy rage, Les is outraged to discover that Mason is going ahead with “Liza’s Tale…The Second Galosh”, a story about a young wife and mother who contracts CTE after being stricken with a big hunk of cement during an explosion at the UPS store. Les takes his plagiarism case all the way to the Supreme Court, where the justices laugh and throw trash at him.

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Meet Cindy Sparks

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This one took a few seconds longer than usual to parse thanks to the incredibly clunky dialog. When these two fools start with the Westviewian banter it’s like trying to roll a dumpster up a flight of stairs. I concluded that Cindy must mean that if Mason has too much “chemistry” with whatever shameless harlot he’s working with she will make his life a vicious living hell when he gets home. Sounds about right. Describing Cindy and Mason’s marriage as “highly reductive” is being way too kind. And she’s supposedly the mature one.

“Are you OK with them looking to see who has good chemistry with Mason?”…wow. Maybe it’s grammatically correct but if it is it shouldn’t be. “Sure, because I can still make sparks happen when he gets back from the lab”…did I read this wrong? Is she talking about sex here? These two sentences should be in textbooks. Chapter Ten: Not So Good, This Is.

Coming next week: Les is mildly surprised to learn that Cindy carved “Mason + Cindy 4 Eva” into Mason’s chest with a Swiss Army knife corkscrew while he slept. No one else is.

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Doo Diligence

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So Mason is insisting on holding a phony casting call just to assure Les that he’s putting every available resource into finding the perfect Lisa, even though he’s already decided who’ll play her? So they’re going to waste thousands of dollars and everyone’s valuable time just to put the smug bearded dick with ears at ease? BatHam’s insane “inside Hollywood” fantasies are spiraling out of control again. This is the most laughable cancer movie premise yet and they haven’t even settled on the cast yet. For anyone else setting your story on the set of a Hollywood movie would have all sorts of potential, but just like with Starbuck Jones he instead opts to focus on the most mundane aspects, like picking up a guy who’ll be sitting in during casting. Yet another fanciful sub-universe full of lore, characters and lingo where absolutely nothing ever happens. Sigh.

Why is Cindy always chauffeuring Les around? Isn’t she some sort of newscaster? It always amazes me how everyone in the Funkyverse always seems to have nothing better to do at any given moment. “The same driver”…he mentioned another arc, albeit a way more recent one this time. He’s suddenly doing that all the time and I find it kind of unnerving.

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Chemical Snore Fare

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Awww, how adorable. Cindy will graciously refrain from being a psychotic, jealous, sexually-threatened shrew while her husband does his job. How very thoughtful of her. Why she needs to be involved in the cancer movie is another question entirely, but that’s just how things work in the Funkyverse. By the time this is over Pete will be “head writer”, Boy Lisa will be “storyboarding” it and Funky will be running craft services, from Ohio, via Skype.

You don’t normally see a lot of cleavage in the strip. Not that I’m demanding more, mind you, in fact quite the opposite is true. But, for reasons only known to him and probably best left unexplored, he had to make sure to remind readers that Cindy is still hot, just in case we somehow missed every Cindy arc since her ignominious Act III return. The characters in this strip “grow” more slowly than stalagmites.

In case you’re counting, “Cindy is jealous over Mason’s co-star” is the sixth old arc he’s mentioned over the last four weeks. It’s officially a trend now and not just a weird FW anomaly. Someone’s wallowing in nostalgia again, why is anyone’s guess. It seems that having an excuse to use Lisa again sort of jump-started his interest a little, which had been noticeably waning over the last, uh, five years or so. Sigh.

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All Bucked Up

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Thanks for the expository dialog, Linda! Apparently lugging Bull’s old garbage to the dump WHS Sports Hall Of Fame makes up for concussing him all those times. In my opinion Bull is the clear loser in that deal, which is certainly no surprise. I really wish he’d stop dragging this out, but then again dragging things out is kind of what BatBrain does, much to everyone’s disgust. And how come Buck is all wry and cheerful while Bull was all unpredictable and squirrely? It’s like HIS CTE comes and goes. Sigh.

Stay tuned for billytheskink AND SoSF’s 10th anniversary! If only time went as slowly in real life as it does in the Funkyverse.

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Weight Grifting

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Sigh. Nothing like two days of gags about the pin on a weightlifting machine. Killing time in an arc that itself exists to kill time…the Batiukian Paradox. Thank God it’s Saturday.

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Pin Pull Wizard

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These “Funky at the gym” arcs don’t really give you a lot of material to work with. Another bland gag from a bland character in a bland setting in a bland comic strip. Of course it could be worse, but that’s all relative. At least it’s kind of a joke, so there is that. In fact in December you could go back and review 2020 and pick out the ten “best” individual strips and this one would probably make the cut, which is not an endorsement. Actually it’s downright depressing.

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E-Fail

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Ha! Fooled ya! Funky isn’t dying, at least not today. If you missed yesterday’s “real” strip, no you didn’t. Funky on the treadmill reading e-mails…one of FW’s most beloved “running” gags. Get it? Anyhow, Lard Ass has been going to that gym for the better part of a decade now, so you’d think he wouldn’t be quite this imbecilic by this point.

And that BatHam, always with the e-mail gags. It’s like how my parents were with VCRs, this internet stuff will never not be voodoo to him, no matter how dated it gets.

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Sheer Heart Attack

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Finally, some genuine mid-week suspense for a change. Is he going to play this for laughs or are we about to travel down Batiuk’s Dark Path yet again? The last time Funky had to face his own mortality all sorts of hi-jinx ensued, not the least of which was the birth of “Starbuck Jones”. Maybe this time Funky will go back in time and tell BatYam to forget all about this “serious” new direction of his and go back to writing gags before it’s too late. I can’t see this being quite that ambitious, but a good ol’ Funky health scare beats the hell out of four more days of gym jokes. It’s way funnier too.

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The Entire Funky Winkerbean Experience In One Panel

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Every once in a while a work of art comes along that completely encapsulates the very act of experiencing it. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you panel one, the work that every FW strip parodist has been striving for since Photoshop 1.0. IMO it’s easily the pinnacle of Act III thus far. If BatYam’s entire career is remembered only for this, it was all worth it. When they someday build the FW Hall Of Fame panel one will be hanging in the entrance foyer. If he made T shirts of this I’d definitely buy one.

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