The Dreamer
December 13, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Crazy need not worry about a job. Of course Funky will hire him to work at Montoni’s.
Not so fast! If nobody here saw this coming, it’s probably because it’s just so…so stupid. “Dead Skunk Hea—”…sorry, I mean, John, is going to enlist Crazy Harry to determine the value of the comic books that he’s selling to the Komix Korner? Harry’s oblivious to John’s overture at first, correctly opining that this job could be handled by an eleventh grader. Which just adds to the smirking, dimpled glee with which John offers the job to Crazy, I mean, “Classic Rock”.
Son of Stuck Funky 
DSH: “Well, I’m a little short of actual cash now, Harry, so how about this? I’ll pay you in comic books! Yes, the very same ones I just bought from you! What could possibly go wrong?”
Harry: “Great! Ever since Montoni’s began accepting comic books as currency, I’ve been eating like a champ! Pizza! Comic books!”
Owen & Cody: (in dazed unison) “Comic books. Pizza. Comic books. Pizza. Comic books. Pizza. Comic books. Pizza. Comic books. Pizza. Comic books. Pizza.”
Yes, as predicted by everyone, Harry’s deep ties to the Westviewian pizza and comic book syndicate ensured he wouldn’t be jobless for long. Why, he should be a natural at grading and cataloging his own comic book collection! And the $100.00 a week he’ll net, along with the fortune he amassed selling his collection, should be more than enough to guarantee we’ll never hear about Harry, his job or his money issues ever again after this interminable arc finally ends. Pizza and comic books indeed!
Wow. It’s amazing how stupid a thing can get. It’s also amazing that Cody and Owen were there the whole time, and John never thought to say, “Hey guys, can you help Crazy carry these boxes?” It’s also amazing that a couple of days ago, John was holding the same issue of The Flash that Crazy said he wouldn’t part with.
Not that any of this “amazingness” is any good, mind you. This is kind of like watching the toilet overflow and saying, “Well, I knew I’d be seeing the same old poop coming back, but it kind of looks like this is someone else’s poop. Still…it’s poop. Time to break out the plunger.”
Crazy beams with joy when DSH offers him a minimum wage part-time job … but when his wife tries to “stroke” his ego in a martial sense he’s oblivious. Great, this’ll now give him more excuses to ignore his 2 younger kids.
DHS ….from not being able to pay his rent to purchasing 20 banker boxes of Zap Comics, Mr. Natural, Those Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers, Dennis Kitchens Homemade Comics, Dopin’ Dan, Rip Off Press, Angel food McCake, Fritz the Cat, Captain Piss-cums, Fat Freddie’s Cat…you know, the classics.
Harry’s real response: “John, John, John. I thought you knew the deal. When I submitted a job application, it was just so the unemployment office thought I was actually looking for a job. Here, Montoni’s, Khan’s place, then the high school. Now you want me to work for about a quarter of what I could get laying around and collecting my unemployment check?
“Let’s try this again. ‘You can’t hire me? What a shame.’ Finito Benito.”
@BeckoningChasm: Hilarious.
All along, I was hoping for more of a Pawn Stars scenario here. [Warning: Do not read this comment if you don’t watch Pawn Stars]
DEAD SKUNK HEAD AND CRAZY HARRY IN THE KOMIX KORNER
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: So, what have you got for me?
CRAZY HARRY: This is my entire collection of comic books, going back more than 40 years. Actually, around 60 years if you count all the time jumps.
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: OK. This is a lot of stuff. What are you looking to do with it?
CRAZY HARRY: I’m looking to sell it, Dead Skunk Head.
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: Comic books, eh? Hmmm….
CUTAWAY TO TALKING HEAD OF DEAD SKUNK HEAD
DEAD SKUNK HEAD (making little C’s with his hands to emphasize his points): Comic books have been around since the early 1900’s. Actually, the term “comic” is a misnomer. In reality…ah, whatever. The point is, people here in Westview are NUTS about Comic Books! Just tell ‘em a book is in “pristine” condition and they’ll pay top dollar. I can make a real killing with this crap, but I’ve got to get it at the right price.
BACK TO THE KOMIX KORNER
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: Tell you what, I’ve got a few concerns about these books, so I’d like to call in an expert to take a look at them.
CRAZY HARRY: But, like, you own a comics st….
CUTAWAY TO TALKING HEAD OF MOPEY PETE
MOPEY PETE: I’m Mopey Pete, author of a comic strip called “Superman”. Perhaps you’ve heard of it….Anyway, Dead Skunk Head calls me in from New York City or maybe not depending on the day of the week or something whenever he has a question about comic books…. Which is pretty much all the time. If I’m not around, he calls on one of his high school boy customers. Not sure why he always demands their phone numbers when they make a purchase, or why they give out their numbers without question, but, you know, yeah. Whatever happens in Westview, stays in Westview. Right? Oh, dear gawd.
BACK TO THE COMIX CORNER
MOPEY PETE: So, this looks like a bunch of boxes full of comic books. What are your main concerns, Dead Skunk Head?
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: What’s all this crap worth?
MOPEY PETE: Ah. Well, I can see that the boxes are made of relatively high-quality 1970s to 1990s cardboard, so that’s definitely a plus. Also, based on the few comics I can see peeking through the box folds, it’s clear that they are in, um, “pristine” condition and have never been read. So clearly, the owner of this collection doesn’t give a shit about what he’s selling. Or …um, yeah.
CRAZY HARRY: It’s true! I’m a total poser. All I care about is coffee tainted with the smell of overcooked pizza! And I find my wife to be far too hideous to make love with!
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: Uh, yeah…. OK. What’s this worth, fuckface?
MOPEY PETE: Oh, right. Um, $500,000.
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: Thanks. Go away. So, Crazy Harry, what do you want for this shit?
CRAZY HARRY: Well, your expert said $500,000. So I’d like $500,000.
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: Yeah, well, I need to make a profit. You have any idea what the overhead is here?
CRAZY HARRY: Overhead? Well, your shop is a shitty room above a pizza parlor. The only thing indicating your existence is a hand-drawn sign, clearly written by a Stage 6 alcoholic. And you have no employees. Also, you’ve done nothing to eliminate the odor of rotten underarm that pervades this place. So, yeah.
DEAD SKUNK HARRY: OK. I’ll give you $12.
CRAZY HARRY: Oh, man. You’re killing me here. I don’t want to have to look for another job! How about $20.
DEAD SKUNK HARRY: I can go t o$13, Crazy Harry. Take it or leave it.
CRAZY HARRY: Well….I’ll take it. I could use a cup or two of Funky’s yummy java!
DEAD SKUNK HEAD: Cool, meet me around the corner and Chumlee* will ring it up.
*imaginary character. Actually, DEAD SKUNK HEAD handles the cash register, but he likes to pretend he has subordinates. Named after Tennessee Tuxedo characters, for some reason.
Crazy should live up to his name and hold out for wages equal to what the Post Office pays letter carrier union workers. Otherwise he’s caving in to greedy entrepreneurs. And will DSH pay for Obamacare? A 401(k) plan?
Anyone else think it is wrong for Harry to suggest that John give Cody or Owen a job?
sourbelly: Haven’t seen “Pawn Stars”…but I have seen “Comic Book Men” and it looks like you’ve just written them an episode.
I admit it. I wasn’t expecting it.
I thought it would take another week.
He’s offered them a “job” alright.
Right. So by Sunday we see Crusty back in Montoni’s drinking coffee and bitching to high heaven about how John just wants him to carry things all day long, and, boy howdy, “Star Trek,” or whatever he says to try and be witty – “Montoni’s got kharma-coated walls. Yo, Plasma.”
At first I thought that TB’s contempt for his readers simply knows no bounds; but then I realized he must know that the only people still reading his strip are just here to mock it, so despite his high literary principles, he’s generously giving us what we want.
If nobody here saw this coming…
Is there any chance anybody didn’t see this coming…?
“Classic?” You mean me?
Of course he does, you fuckin’ moron. Who else’s life has as little meaning as yours, except his.
Well, maybe Cody or Owen could use an after-school job.
Maybe…but then the revenue on the video games would drop to, like, zero, though usage would still be high.
Another classic Fatuus excrementum ex machina ( not quite proper but it’s early) plot escape from the author. We’ve have three weeks of Crazy losing his job but at the end it’s all alright and nothing changed.
The only author cop out he hasn’t used yet is ‘it was all a dream” and I keep expecting Les to wake up one day and find Lisa taking a shower. (not with Bobby Ewing that would be too interesting)
Three hours of Googling later…
“OK, the value of all these is $22.96.”
“Great! Thanks for your help! Here’s your money. Bye!”
“That’s it?!?”
Ooh ooh, I call dibs on “Classic Rock” (with quotation marks) as my new handle on here in case I ever drunkpost something embarrassing as Helskor.
Harry’s grateful puppydog reaction to being offered a job fit only for a not-too-bright high school kid would be the unintentionally funniest thing Batiuk’s written in years if it wasn’t so pathetic and scary.
“Sorry, Gross John. While your job offer is indeed generous, I’ve just accepted another deal. I’m going to shave my beard and rent out my disturbingly large philtrum as advertising space.”
Seriously, that guy’s mouth is much, much lower than it’s supposed to be, and it’s more disconcerting the longer I look at it.
I’ve seen Gil Thorp storylines resolved less predictably than this…
So are all Crazy’s problems solved or does his wife have to get a job too? She was a video game champion, if I recall correctly, so maybe she can get a job at Komix Korner beating Owen and Cody at Asteroids. Makes as much sense as anything else.
So Crazy Harry gets a low-paying, part-time, temporary job to replace the salaried position he’s held pretty much his entire life. It’s a Christmas miracle!
DSH just fell for Crazy’s cunning plan. Step one, sell collection to DSH. Step two, accept unionized position at the Comix Corner. Step three (this one’s gonna hurt), figure out how to get each comic in it’s own balloon and shove them up his ass one by one to smuggle them back out. Genius!
Harry: “Wow! In just one day I’ve gone from a recently unemployed mailman to a kind of, sort of temporarily employed volunteer in a one room comic shop for an unspecified amount of money!”
John: “It’s magic, isn’t it?”
Harry: “You bet it is! I used to be a nobody. Now I’m a nobody PLUS!!!”
John: “Mmm-hmm. Now, first I’ll need you to grade these issues of HOT SKUNKS, then take a peek at my vast collection of SEXUAL FOXES…want to get a pen? This could take a while.”
I see TB has ediited his website…removing those mostly MIA character drawings….HOWEVER, some of us remember that DSH John already had 2 employees, that little “kevin” and some big hulk fellow (?)…and now adding “Classic” makes 4 people earning a living off of Komix Korner.
Ohio unemployment for Crazy Harry would be $539/week with 3 dependants.
“You’re hired, Jurassic Rock! $5 an hour and all the young boys you can eat! And as your first task, you can tell me how much I should pay for all of your dusty old dreck. Just sign this Non Compete Agreement that states you won’t go to work for Montoni’s.”
Tune in on Monday, when Dead Skunk looks around for his new employee, but he’s nowhere in sight. Where’s Crazy? Loitering and schmoozing over at the Post Office, of course. Now THAT you saw coming!
Merry Pookster: Thanks for the tip re: the official FW site. He did indeed remove those groups shots, which were endless fascinating to me, mainly because they featured some of the most obscure characters imaginable.
The “holiday card” that’s there now is mostly notable for featuring the worst drawings of Cayla, Keisha and Summer that I have ever seen. Bold statement? Yes, but go look at it yourself…I’m confident you’ll agree.