Annie has actually insisted that Les sit down before she tells him the news, and Les dutifully complies. Since Les is new to the literary biz (remember, this is only his first second book), he doesn’t understand what “optioned” means. His glib reference to the Cleveland Indians is intended to be funny, see, because Les is so terrible at sports. Or maybe he’s confused: Les hasn’t been optioned, his book has been optioned. By Hollywood!
37 thoughts on “You Got Optioned”
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Son of Stuck Funky 
Or maybe it’s to show just how humbly out-of-the-loop our humble author is.
1) Les: “Okay. My butt is on a chair. Me feet are resting quite nicely on my favorite pubic squiggle seat. Ready to play this baby out?”
2) Ann: “As I’ll ever be. Anyhoo…you’ve been optioned.”
Les: “SNORT! That’s a good one! SNORT-BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! ….SNORT AH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HA!” *wheeze* “Um, what does “optioned” mean?”
3) Ann: “You don’t know? Well, it doesn’t matter, since Tom obviously doesn’t know either. Anyway, you’ve been OPTIONED. By HOLLYWOOD.”
Les: “Um, so who in Hollywood optioned me?”
Ann: “By Hollywood itself, Les.”
Les: “That…doesn’t make any sense. Can you at least tell me the name of the producer?”
Ann: “By a Hollywood producer.”
Les: “I -know-. You’ve established that! Um, can you tell me which studio? Which production company? Which voice in your head?”
Ann: “A Hollywood one.”
Les: “ARRRRRGH!”
Ann: “It’s only going to get worse, Les. Trust me.”
Thank you, John, for explaining why his nose is running in panel 3. It’s a by-product of the SNORT.
Les didn’t learn his lesson about making cracks in Sunday’s strip, and he doesn’t learn any better in today’s strip, either. Les isn’t just smug, he owns the copyright.
Hah! It’s funny, because Les thought he was being sent down to the Columbus Clippers. When in fact, he’s about to surpass Michael Patterson as the “funny” papers’ ultimate Gary Stu.
It is also funny because in panel 2 Les’ constant smirking has contorted his face into a cubist nightmare.
Just in case anyone doesn’t understand the unending enmity towards ol’ Les, take a look at the obnoxious look on his mug as he humors his “publicist” and takes a seat. Or the look of pure glee on his face as he amuses himself (and no one else) with his little baseball gag. Or that harrowing close-up in panel three. This will be the book tour of 2011; weeks and weeks of smug Les, annoyed Les, angry Les, smirking Les…it’s going to be brutal.
Remember his “book tour interviews” arc where the interviewers clearly never even read his book? it’ll be exactly like that, only with shallow, money-grubbing “Hollywood folk” in place of Radio Ron and etc. Although I have to admit I am greatly looking forward to the one when Les “SLAMS” the studio executive’s office door while yelling, “sicko!”, that one’s going to be funny. But otherwise it’ll be a ponderously long arc resulting in Les refusing to capitalize on, alter or trivialize Lisa’s Story for fame or financial gain, which is pretty ironic when you think about it.
But who will play Les in the movie version?
@AM:
As with religious figures, His Lesness cannot be portrayed by any earthly actor. All scenes will be shot and lit from his viewpoint, because only his views matter, and all light in the world is merely a reflection of his greatness.
@Flummoxicated, Jeffcoat Wayne, Sgt Saunders Yesterthread:
We don’t have to guess at the content of “Lisa’s Story”, written by Les Moore. It’s presumably a novelisation of “Lisa’s Story”, written by Tom Batiuk and available now from Amazon. While you’re there, contemplate the uplifting tale “My Name is Funky… and I’m An Alcoholic”. Also take a look at the cover of “Funky Winkerbean: Could Be a Book Deal Here”. Given Les’s recent career, it’s now genuinely amusing.
Les’
final book of the Biblenon-fiction book is about to move to a new level of media greatness…the followers, disciples, and apostles are gathered at The Grounded One’s feet…Lisa is about to be beatified…Ladies and gentlemen, The Grand Finale as I described it is back on track.
@Lesser Whark: And all four reviewers have given it five stars. No comment.
sourbelly: I thought the Columbus Clippers were still the New York Yankees AAA affiliate until I learned it from your comment and had to look it up. See? FW is worthwhile.
Panel three: As his head quivers with the reverberations of the big news, a thousand emotions swarm in Lester’s eye dots. Patterns of self-reflective thought unfold in his genius brain at twice the speed of light. Who will play me? De Niro? No, too old. Depp? Too eccentric. Hanks? Firth? Day-Lewis…?
Robert Downey Jr.? He’s got about the right facial hair already.
I’m telling ya, Wallace Shawn is Les Moore. TFH, can I get a link to a Wallace Shawn image? He was Jerimiah in Woody Allen’s Manhattan, and we all know how much Les and Cayla just adore Woody Allen.
Inconthievable! Pass me the iocaine powder. Better than facing more FW for the short term.
Sarge, I agree about Wallace Shawn on many counts except he’s too old (67) to play Les. Although he might be suited to play present-day Funky. KarMann, I think Robert Downey would make an excellent Les physically, although I don’t know if he could embody Les’ douchiness.
Of course I can’t spell. The lithp mutht have thrown me off.
Incontheivable!
Cut to next panel of a sarcastic looking Dick Tracy, the Phantom and Marmaduke going: “Let me know how that works out for you.”
One thing for sure, this will be one of those times when the movie, which should be a musical, will be better than the book. Because as bad as that book is, the movie can only be better. Still a stinking pile of crap, but better.
Now back to the Baturbation, already in progress.
While I agree that this is a likely scenario, Epicus, I think it’s possible that this storyline ends a bit differently. Les may pull the ultimate smug-tactic and refuse the option before it gets to that point in order to preserve the “sanctity” of Lisa’s Story’s or whatever.
I guess it comes down to whether TB wants to make yet another 4 weeks of strips giving the middle finger to the “strangers” who don’t understand his “substantial ideas” or if he wants to further prove to the world he’s not a sell-out.
Because this movie option thing totally happened to him, right? Just like Les’ book tour was 1/4″ removed from TB’s The Other Shoe tour, so too will this story match TB’s own experiences…
Amy Adams as Lisa, with her “Julie and Julia” short hair?
i love the opening line of that article, BTS.
This starts with a false dichotomy – either comics are funny, or they suck. Therefor, TomBat isn’t getting all of the snarkage he gets because his comics suck. He’s simply a victim of the drooling ignoramus’s that refuse to see how GREAT the strip is now that it’s abandoned funniness for Very Important Dramatic Themes.
No, Tommy, your comics just SUCK.
He wanders around, lost, confused and alone. So very alone.
“Why me? What did I do wrong? I used to matter, I used to be funny, I used to be relevant…sigh.”
Once the Golden Boy of the comics, back when they were still funny, now he’s a refugee, a Lost Boy of the Fu(kyverse, rejected and despised even by his Creator. Perhaps especially by his Creator.
No Hollywood option for him. No sirree.
No National Book Tour and adoring simpleton fans flocking to see his power point tales of woe. Nada.
No hot chicks throwing themselves shamelessly and cheaply at HIS feet, content for years with emotional crumbs from his table and boorish self obsession. Nope. Not even his “wife” shows up in this misery of a comic strip anymore. So no “fun” for the Funkster.
Even ‘Ol Montoni The Dispossessed gets more lines than he does now. He!! even Dingleberry gets more respect; and a effing Shoe Line for C*** sake!
Once the Can Be of substantial ideas in comicdom, now the Coulda Been, and soon to be relegated to a comic strip trivia question: Who Was He?
None of the other strips will take him in. Not even the Mary Worth or Get Fuzzy offices will return his calls and Jim Davis slams the door in his face screaming “Sicko!” whenever he knocks at Garfield’s.
The Funky Fade Out continues, and he finds he really doesn’t care anymore. He just wants it to be over.
Maybe they’re hiring pooper scoopers over at Pooch Cafe.
I’m going to pull out a really obscure note here and state that Pete’s comic “Dream Warriors” got optioned “for Hollywood” too, and that was pre-jump, I think, and we never heard more about it.
I keep going to the picture of Robert Downey Jr. as Les Moore, and all I can say is, “Wow! Just…wow!” That is amazing.
Les, disgusted with how “Hollywood” plans to bastardize Lisa’s story for the big screen, instead decides to give the movie options to Jessica, who, after collecting the Best Documentary Oscar for “Who the Hell Cares Who Killed John Darling?”, will be looking to branch out and try her hand at producing/directing a drama.
That was fairly realistic if it was never mentioned again, David. See, an option (despite what Tom thinks and is depicting in-strip this week) does NOT mean the studio plans to actually make the darn movie!
All it does is make sure one can’t sell the story to anyone else while they decide whether or not they want to put it into development.
And, of course, Development Hell is a place even films the studio really, really WANTS to make only sometimes emerge from.
Seriouslly, Tom is omitting hundreds of steps here. All in the name of (once again!) reminding us that Les Moore is the Wise Author. *sigh*
Epicus: Yes. Thank you. That’s my other big beef with this arc. Les had absolutely no problems with exploiting Lisa’s death in prose form. Having him all conflicted and cautious about a cinematic version seems rather odd.
(Granted, this could be a token nod to realism in the arc. Unless an author has achieved J.K. Rowling-esque levels of success, they’re rarely treated as more than optional consultants on film adaptations of their work. Which is why quite a few authors are reluctant to pursue film and TV adaptations.)
Lisa’s been “exploited” (as much as one can exploit a comic strip character, that is) since her (first) pregnancy, the one that steered FW into dramedy territory for good. Her entire “life” & “death” has been one contrivance after another. Les’ stupid fictional book is half a way to keep using a character that’s already been killed off and half infomercial for the “real” book. Like I’ve said a million times before, if you liked the character so much, why kill her in the first place? It’d have been a better story if she survived, if you ask me.
Anyone else imagine boxes and boxes of these books piled up in the Batom Inc HQ garage? “I’ve told you for the last time, Tom…get those goddamned books OUT of my garage!!!!!!”.
I guess I see where these story arcs are going, they’re all tying together like a poor man’s version of “Curb Your Enthusiasm”:
“Lisa’s Story” will be turned into a major motion picture, for which Les will the Academy Awards for Best Screen Adaptation, Best New Writer, AND Best Picture. Meanwhile, Jessica will win the Academy Award for Best Documentary for “Dad on Arrival” (see, no conflict in having them compete in the same categories). Oh, and Les will deliver the world’s shortest ever Academy acceptance speech, because he will, of course, thank no one. He’ll just say “I couldn’t have done this without cancer”, smirk, then walk off the stage.
Actually, is Les being optioned to the Columbus Clippers any more absurd than Lisa’s Story being turned into a major motion picture?
In this arc Tom Wankerbean is definitely riffing off of the late great Harvey Pekar. “Harvey did comics. I do comics. Harvey did a TERRIFIC graphic novel, Our Cancer Year. I have been pathetically milking the theme of cancer for years. Harvey’s wonderful comic *American Splendor* was turned into a movie. I should have a movie, too.” Harvey Pekar is a titan in NE Ohio. And Wankerboy thinks he is Harvey’s equal? The horror. The horror.
Thanks for the link, BTS. One line from that interview stood out for me:
“There’s a huge void between empathy and personal experience,” [TomBat]said.
A HUGE void? This is true, I guess, if you’re a sociopath.
Man, do I miss Harvey Pekar. He was a great talent.