She's Not There

Epicus Doomus
February 23, 2012 at 1:01 am
…I’m definitely disappointed in how Batom glossed over the big revenge game vs. Blue Valley, as I’m sure we all were…

Well, maybe we all can take some consolation in the fact that the She-Goats are facing Our Lady of the Cedars in a rematch from two years ago, where the Lady Ladies left the Westview girls on the outside looking in. But uh-oh! Where’s Summer? I’m surprised the whole gym can’t hear her puke.


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  1. Beanie Wanker

    Was I the only one who initially read “Brandy Bowleg?” That would be a much better name for a lanky, gawky, 8 foot tall Marfan Syndrome sufferer on an opposing girls basketball team.

    Love Goatee Boy’s hysterical expression. Too bad there’s no sound – I’m imagining his voice going up two octaves. Dogs are running toward the arena from several miles away.

    Cayla has that Dopey Mopey expression she always gets when she thinks the Lady Girl Chick She-Goats are about to lose.

    Let the jiveness begin!

  2. Jeffcoat Wayne

    Well, I guess we can call it even, Les — I looked all over both panels and I don’t see the punchline anywhere. Was it disconnected from the big white phone?

  3. Chyron HR

    Westview’s in trouble. Not only is Summer on a solo barf date with Chuck, but the Cedars appear to have drafted Tyrone Shoelaces onto their team.

    But, seriously, Tom. Just draw black people like Cayla (ie, white) from now on. After looking at that 2010 flashback strip, it’s REALLY the better of the two options.

  4. TFHackett

    Over at Comics Alliance: FunkyWatch: February’s Most Depressing ‘Funky Winkerbean’ and ‘Crankshaft’ Strips (and would it kill them to give me a plug like I give them every month?)

  5. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$

    Panel 3 is like the Mount Rushmore of Funky Winkerbean.

  6. Epicus Doomus

    “Batom Inc., the creator of Funky Winkerbean, sure can stretch out a fairly straight-forward story arc”.

    “What’s wrong, Epicus?”

    “I don’t see an end to this basketball arc ANYWHERE!!!”

    Summer Moore: spawn of Lisa, flu-ridden little achiever, slayer of mighty giants. “Brandy Bowles”…what BatTom was drinking and smoking when he came up with this storyline, perhaps? Just joking: Batom Inc. didn’t “write” anything here at all. So which way will this go: does she amble out onto the court Willis Reed-style and inspire the Goats, does she sit out the first half, eat some chicken soup and recover after halftime a la Joe Montana, or does she simply dominate in spite of being ill like Jordan did? My guess: something way lamer than any of those examples.

  7. TheDiva

    I’m surprised nobody’s bothered to inform Les that his daughter is severely ill. Then again Les probably wouldn’t care, except to wonder how this will affect Summer’s chances of becoming a professional basketball player and supporting him in his old age.

  8. billytheskink

    Cedars #10, far left, best smirk ever?

    Was I the only one who initially read “Brandy Bowleg?” That would be a much better name for a lanky, gawky, 8 foot tall Marfan Syndrome sufferer on an opposing girls basketball team.

    Gil Thorp did the whole Marfan Syndrome basketball player thing back in 1999-2000 with Neil Cray. Cray wound up dying in that story arc, so it is no wonder TB appears to be using it for inspiration…

  9. sourbelly

    “Brandy Bowles, the center for Our Lady of the Cedars, is one big girl!”

    Fine, Mr. Awkward Exposition Moore. “Les Moore, Westview High School’s whiniest piece of shit, is wearing a maroon sweater over his one fancy white shirt!”

    Brandy Bowles is my new, official, favorite character in this strip. I hope that, after being made fun of for her height, she kicks the ever-loving Hell out of the Barfgoats.

  10. O.B. Dan

    So, what’s it going to be – the Goatees win one for The Gipper , and dedicate their championship season to her; they lose again, simply because that’s what they do in Funkytown; or Our Lady of the Perpetual Visitation appears in a fever-induced hallucinatory dream to Sum’ Mo’, and inspires her to rise from her deathbed, suit up, and show up with less than two minutes left in a dead-heat game?

    Do today’s high school gyms have courtesy phones so Lisa can reassure The Grounded One? Or will she be able to appear in the stands, unnoticed by any but Les?

  11. O.B. Dan

    I mean, yeah, nobody will see her, but somebody’s gotta notice the delusional author talking to himself, right…? And they should recognize him – after all, he did write a book about John Darling.

  12. la gata loca

    In a dark studio cluttered with grease stained boxes from Luigi’s, teetering stacks of unsold copies of Lisa’s Story, and other Lisa swag, a scrawny hand fumbles for the phone he left on the desk when he felt the goulash gush rising and sprawled onto the trash can already filled with the debris of a three day bender. Finding it amid the scattered, sticky pens and crumpled papers, the Artiste holds it to his bleary eyes and dimly recognizes his editor’s number.

    “Fah ‘im! Fah ‘im and hish shtoopid shtorees!”

    In a very good falsetto, he continues “the real fans wansh a happshy shtoree Batom. They’re tired of the cansher and shreeve shtuff.”

    “Fah the real fansh, too! We’re doing dish thing my way! Everyone gonna have a rolled up sleeve ‘cush I like drawin’ dem.”. He throws the phone into a stack of left over Lisa’s Legacy Marathon paraphernalia.

    He peers over the desk top and spies hid old friend: a half empty bottle of Old Crow and greedily lunges for it. Slumping down next to his Batman and Robin action figures, he takes a long pull to wash the taste of slimy, day old Luigi Specials and happy endings out of his mouth.

    Feeling restored, he picks up his pencil and only slightly spattered sketchpad off the floor and mumbles “thish will show them, thish kilman, kilamanjoo, kilathingy whatevrr will show them all!”

    The pencil flies into action as he madly scratches away at the smeared street pizza stains. He doesn’t notice the pencil lead is broken. He is happy once more and actual art ceases to matter.

  13. John R. Ellis

    Cayla: “Um, Les, Keisha phoned me and told me that Summer was feeling very sick. You know, on the cellphone? Why didn’t Summer phone you? Or, you know, why didn’t you phone her?”

    Les: “Evil technology thingies?!? NO!!! They’ll steal my wise author talents!”

    Holly: “…*…Funky, why the heck are you staring at the wall instead of down at the court?”

    Funky: “It’s just more interesting, that’s all.”

  14. Helskor

    When’s the last time, if ever, Batiuk name-checked a bit player in this Thorpean fashion? Was the real Brandy Bowles the winner of the Medina library summer read-a-thon and top prize was a guest appearance in FW (I’d sue)?

    The only other explanation is that the evil demiurge known as Batiuk has marked her for death or mutilation in some way that will prevent the She Goats from winning the championship but will still highlight the saintly superiority of Summer Snowflake. Or she’s about to transfer to Westview just in time to ask Summer to the prom.

  15. Flummoxicated

    “Our Lady of the Cedars” must be TomBat’s tip of the funked-up fez to Our Lady of the Elms, an all girl Catholic school in Akron. I’m sure they appreciate the honor of being the bad guys here, just as tall girls everywhere delight in being referred to as big.

  16. Jimmy

    When did Funky get the eagle beak?

  17. MKay

    …and Cayla utters the only two words she’ll ever really need in this marriage: “What’s wrong?”

  18. Beanie Wanker

    Hey, Brandy Bowleg — Why the long face?
    But seriously, folks!
    “Les, Summer is very sick! She’s squirting from both ends and has a fever of 104! She’s incoherent and fading in and out of consciousness!”

    “Egad! How will this affect my next book tour??”
    Is it possible Les got that INCREDIBLY SEXY receding hairline from furrowing his brow like that all the time?

    How do they have room for spectators with all those bowling pins in the seats?

    By the way, who was it who knew Brandy Bowleg’s name? The nitwits from Wankerville know girls basketball players from every team in Ahia? Seriously? If it was Les, they should remove his Man Card forever. Oh wait – He never had one. Well, he should unzip and make sure his junk is still attached.