Private Winkerbean! Other than maybe Private Dancer or Private Parts it’d be harder to think of a worse last name to have if you’re about to go to boot camp. Ma and Pa Pizza are somehow able to muster up some half hearted musings as their son goes off to start a life in the military.
Given Wally’s track record in the military I’d be a little nervous too, Funky. Hopefully he isn’t aiming to beat Wally’s decade long POW record.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Okay, really? Cory hasn’t even begun basic training yet. They don’t even know if he’s going to pass that, let alone what he’ll be doing in the military or where he’ll be deployed. Holly and Funky are behaving as if they’re going to hand the kid a rifle and drop him behind enemy lines. Then again, the Funkyverse being what it is, they might do just that.
Yeah, this… bothers me. As I mentioned in the comments of the last post, my brother joined the Army and he, too, rode away in a van one day. And although I was nervous about what might happen to him in the future, everyone certainly didn’t act like he was being sent off to freaking prison. It is a big decision and a big commitment. But it is not the immediate end of all things ever.
But there are plenty of other, better things I could be getting mad over right now, so I’ll stop there.
My guess: next week sees Cory getting shot in the middle east. With cancer.
My current guess is that Cory washes out of boot camp after being a smug little turd who can’t hack it. So he slinks back home with his tail between his legs — either formally processed out or even deserting! — and becomes a fat, misanthropic alcoholic living with his parents.
Or am I just engaging in wishful thinking?
What’s scary is P2. Mizruz Winkydink with her pumpkin lookin’ noggin – I imagine that when she turns around she has a Jack-O-Lantern face. Agggh!
Tomorrow, the US Army New Recruit We-Drive-U Express Shuttle backs out of the driveway and is promptly leveled by the same Cell Phone Girl who once nailed Flunky. No survivors. Fat broad cries. Funky smirks. “The kid’s a loser. What can I say?”
It’s possible Cory really is a sociopathic delinquent, but it’s also possible he sees Westview as the dreary, claustrophobic, humorless hellhole of smugness it is and is fighting it the only way he knows how. I hope he thrives in the Army, goes to OCS and comes back in five years after the economy collapses to throw Les and Funky into a FEMA camp.
Speaking of pumpkins, the two in panel one are the best things I’ve seen in Funky Winkerbean since the Kilimanjaro kitten.
Look at those faces, so filled with despair and the sure knowledge of existential horror. You can practically hear them moaning in pain, apropos of whatever situation they are placed in. I wish they’d been at the wedding. Hell, I wish they’d grow legs and follow the other characters around.
Funky and Holly are probably looking at tomorrow’s strip in panel 2. Must involve Les…
It is kinda nice to see a story in Funky Winkerbean that’s at least tangentially about the title character.
Even is it is pretty lame.
You could employ the greatest minds and most powerful supercomputers in the world and never find a way to draw a straight line between teenage Funky from the 1970’s and the fat, drunk fuck he is today. He might actually be the least interesting character in the strip now. Even the ones we hate, like Les and Boy Lisa have something about them that gets a reaction from somebody. Funky is like, “Eh, fat old 60-something pizza man.” Even his car, Snowball, is more interesting.
And the only funky thing about him, likely, is his breath.
Is this exclusive curbside service for Army enlistees a real thing or just more Batiuk quarter-inching? A former Marine co-worker whose son is in the Ahia National Guard says she never heard of it happening.
For some reason, my comment from yesterday was rejected. I thought it was pretty good.
Oh it’s so true. Halloween is scary, just like your grown son trying to take some responsibility for his life and enlisting in the Army is scary!
Helskor’s explanation makes absolute sense to me. It’s not that Cory is bad; it’s that he yearns for happiness. Of course, that means he’ll be doubled the mystery by the malevolent god known as Batiuk.
misery, not mystery. There’s no mystery that Batiuk loves misery.
I predict that Cory will either frag his lieutenant, be blown up by an IED, or commit a My Lai style massacre.
Hey all, alive and well in NJ but just barely. TFH picked a hell of a week to take off. No power for the immediate future thus minimal snarkage from me until further notice. Keep the snark fires burning while I’m MIA. Hope you’re ok out there everyone, that was a real motherf*cker of a storm. Oh yeah, Les Moore….what a dick.
It was as hellish as a six week Summer-centric story arc and this blackout is as ponderous as a six week Les-centric story arc. I’m serious too. Luckily my quick wit survived intact.