's Not.

While he’s only been back in Westview a short while, Darin’s already got the beginnings of Batiuk Butt

I honestly don’t know what’s been hardest to swallow these last couple of weeks: Fred’s stroke prompting Ann to reveal the bitterness that permeated their married life, or Darin and Jessica, married over ten years, conversing like two newlyweds. Today we get a dose of the latter. The “kids” head to the vendos for some coffee, giving Darin a chance to ruminate on what he’s just learned about his “loving” adoptive parents. He shares with his bride of over a decade what he’s “always pictured marriage” to be like: “…being deeply in love forever and ever to the exclusion of everything else.” “Everything else” consisting of things such as putting your MBA to good use, or getting it together to buy a home instead of crashing with friends or living in a dump above a pizza parlor.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

36 responses to “'s Not.

  1. Rusty

    ‘S funny? WTF? Anyway, Darin seems to have the same working knowledge of the realities of marriage as an 11 year-old Taylor Swift fan. And most hospitals have cafeterias open 24 hours for coffee.

  2. sourbelly

    “All hope abandon ye who enter here” – Dante Alighieri.

    “Well, hopeless, anyway…. That’s why I love you.” Blondie McBlondo

    There you go. In case there was any lingering doubt that Westview is in fact Hell.

  3. Epicus Doomus

    TFH: that header pic of Westview is terrific, especially Buddy. Needs precipitation (and leaves) though.

    I’m just happy that Fred’s crippling brain injury has given this useless bunch of twits the opportunity to express themselves in such annoying, ponderous way. ‘S what I enjoy most about FW: the way we get to know and loathe these characters as if they’re real, incredibly boring and shallow people.

    Coming tomorrow: Boy Lisa tells his mom how he really feels about her, all via weird, indecipherable abbreviations…”I’m ‘r ‘d ‘i ‘y’, Mom, ‘t ‘f n’…..”. No one notices the difference. Annie sighs and expresses resigned, defeated disappointment in her bland, pasty, peculiar-assed son with the big square head and that overly-clingly, lazy, childish wife of his. And Fred still lies there, wondering when his reprieve from this hellish life will finally come.

    “Vendos”….lol. Forgot about that.

  4. John

    Darin: “…’s funny. Just a couple of months ago, weren’t my father -and- my mother convinced that their marriage was a happy one? Didn’t they take you and me on a forced tour of their old homes, gleefully regaling us with how happy they were, even while struggling? Last year, when Mom Saved the Sports, didn’t she speak with PRIDE about the life choices she made back in the day?”

    Jess: “….”

    Darin: “And yet, suddenly, it’s as if a big black cosmic Sharpie ™ fell out of the sky, scribbled all over her life, and rewrote my parent’s marriage into a loveless sham and her past into nothing but bitterness and regret. As if the happiness never existed at all. As if she was never worth anything if she wasn’t a writer. As if my speaking with pleasure and joy about MY marriage caused it.”

    Jess: “…it did.”

    Darin: “…what.”

    Jess: “Why do you think everyone, INCLUDING US, keeps acting as if we just got hitched, instead of being married for over a decade?!? The Sharpie has already pierced our hearts, Darin. It’s re-writing our souls, our dreams, OUR LIVES…as we speak. It’s hopeless. Accept that, Darin. It. Is. Hopeless. You are hopeless. HOPELESS…”

    Darin: “Okay, you’re getting a bit…um…dark there…*…Jess?”

    Jess: “Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated!”

  5. John

    Really, Darin’s having an insane non-reaction here. His -MOTHER- just admitted to him that she never truly loved his father AND his father might be dying soon or lead a severely limited new life AND his mom as much as admitted she felt raising him was just more load crushing her dreams AND…all he can do is mildly remark that he’s slightly miffed at having to re-evaluate things?

    WHAT is WRONG with these people?!?

  6. They live in westview is comes with the territory.

  7. Charles

    “It’s funny. .. I never thought of my parents as having any doubts or unfulfilled ambitions; which is why I find it absolutely inexplicable that Mom decided to use this fucking moment as the time to bring this shit up. Oh well, maybe by the time we have to pull the plug on my vegetable father, she’ll have figured out something else to blame for her continued inaction and discontent.”

    And with Jessica’s comment in the last panel, I foresee her lamenting all the things she wanted to do but didn’t because she’d been married her entire adult life to this ninny. How about deciding to do something together you’ve been putting off for no real reason, so this sort of thing doesn’t happen to you?

    Whoa, forgot who writes this for a moment there. That wouldn’t work because not only is it action, it’s positive action, and that is something TB simply cannot abide.

  8. Flummoxicated

    “I love you because you are hopeless. Remember, my father was murdered and Les wrote a book about it,” said Jessica, as her face morphed into a series of commas.

  9. Beanie Wanker

    ‘Swonderful! ‘Smarvelous! That you should bury meeeee!

    Wall o’ text! Vendos! WHERE ARE THE BRICKS?? Happiness in Wankerview?? Not even among long-married couples! Nossir. Seems Fred and Ann weren’t happy. So why did The Universe punish them? Oh wait, THEY were punished by The Universe because Dorkweed and Blondie McBighair were happy for five minutes? Wow, better watch your back in that town!

    I know we’ve been on a FooB/Johnston roll lately, but I think Lynnuck drew today’s episode. In the 2nd panel, Dustbin is in the “To dreeeeeam the impossible dreeeeeeam” stance, and in the last panel, he has the DWOING! expression, aka The Thousand Kilometre Stare, both devices used regularly by Lynnuck.

    So why didn’t the hospital remove the Evil Vendos, or at least move them to the doctors lounge? BatNuts could then have a hilarious episode showing Durrhey getting caught sneaking in.

    So what are these two idiots, 17 years old?

  10. Señor Tortilla

    “‘s funny…although my marriage has supposedly been intact for a decade, I feel like I’m sharing a house with this girl who I’m friends with…and now Mom’s happy marriage with Dad has been retconned out of history. Do you think ‘Dustin’ is hiring?”

  11. Merry Pookster

    No one in Westview is allowed a happy exisitence? Is that how angry Batiyuck is deep inside. He is totally incapable of creating loveable characters.
    The singulary single person with a sucessful and happy life is Cindy Summers………..Who is still embedded.

    Tom…..seek help.
    Anger issues can be helped with professional care.
    check out “Lighthouse” Services

  12. billytheskink

    She loves him because he’s hopeless…
    Hey, it’s almost as if TB remembered that one time in Act II where he gave Jessica the only character trait he ever gave her, low self-esteem. The more likely explanation, though, is that even a broken clock is right twice a day.

  13. Smirks 'R Us

    short of the yellow (not blonde) hair, is there anything remotely similar between p1 Jessica and p3 Jessica? Is her face melting or is she turning into a zombie?

  14. Professor Fate

    And just what is the point of all this? That marriage isn’t all sweetness and light? Okay but this is presenting marriage as a soul crushing slog towards the sweet release of death. And of course Darin’s response to all this is the self centered standard – Not a thought about Fred with the tubes in the hospital bed, nooooo, he has to rethink some things and is annoyed by that.
    and how long have they been married? Maybe the soul sucking misery and the women putting on the pounds doesn’t kick in until the 11th year in these parts.
    My idea re the vendos is the these used to be in the high school but have been moved – Thrift, Horatio, Thrift

  15. BeckoningChasm


  16. Lynn

    “Batiuk Butt” = another dominant trait in the Westview gene pool. Of course the Westview diet which mainly consists of fishsticks, pizza, self pity, and junk food from the vendos exacerbates the problem.

  17. Helskor

    He’s trapped in Batiuk’s imagination, of course he’s devoid of hope.

  18. Khan hasn’t appeared in 100 days, but there’s a winter storm named after him.

  19. @Doug thanks for the link. There’s a comments section on that weather.com page with some pretty funny comments…

  20. Black Sheep

    ‘S funny… I never thought of vending machines as having the ability to instantaneously materialize out of thin air. Look for the portal, Durwood, there may be a way out of this h.ell!

  21. Duane

    Jessica is going to follow Cindy’s lead and ditch the hubby and get “embedded” with a non-Westview person in hopes of having a normal, happy life.

  22. Señor Tortilla

    “The Argument at Montoni’s” has had writing errors corrected and an another line taking a jab at Batiuk.

  23. BeckoningChasm

    @Senor Tortilla – brilliant as before. If you will allow me to put on my Les Moore hat, however, I should point out that usually, conversations are broken up into paragraphs based on the speakers.

    Les began, “In the main–”
    “Oh shut up,” everyone explained.
    “Yeah,” said Kevin.

    It just makes it a bit easier to read and reduces confusion as to who is speaking. Since I’m wearing my Les Moore hat, feel free to punch me.

  24. Jimmy

    It’s almost as if the writer of this strip was conflicted about having to remain in the closet all these years while participating in a sham marriage.

  25. Beanie Wanker

    Maybe that’s how Batty feels about his marriage to his bet bear, Ayrhead. He feels like he could have been a WRITER, instead of… um… whatever he actually is at this point.

    As for Mrs Boy Lisa and her yellow hair, is there any chance the carpet matches the drapes? I doubt it.

  26. Sorry if it’s already been said, I’m late today–


    That is all.

  27. John

    Inkwell: Actually, he seems more mildly put out, if that. Total non-response to his Dad’s stroke, very limited huffiness about his mom revealing their lives were all a lie.

    He’s, in other words, still showing that LES MOORE spirit!

  28. Rembrandt36

    I have to say I have given up on this strip completely. I still come here because of the cool intelligent comments, but I don’t even look at the comic. Funky was killed off by his creator long ago. The only adorable character – the black kitty – will never be seen again. Actually I like Buddy too.

  29. bad wolf

    Batiuk’s focus on writing as the be-all and end-all of human creativity continues to confound me. Batiuk trained as an artist, he taught art to high school students, and he has drawn his own comic strip for almost 40 years. Yet, again and again, he projects himself onto Les the writer, he berates anyone not appreciating his storylines (“it’s called writing“), and he has written two other strips, so it’s pretty obvious that’s what he sees himself as. ( Is there even an art teacher at Westview? Of course maybe it’s harder to make a joke of your students turning in artwork from Wikipedia for their homework for the third time… )

  30. Epicus Doomus

    bad wolf; There IS an art teacher at WHS, I believe we were referring to him as “Art Teacher” during his one appearance (the levy thing, I think). He is sorely missed.

  31. We saw the art teacher once, in October 2011. Cancer must’ve got ‘im:

  32. BeckoningChasm

    You know, without the Mark Twain aside, that comic is kind of amusing. I mean, ‘s not funny, but it ‘s an actual joke. I guess Tom Batiuk felt we needed the aside to show how much he hates jokes in his comics.

  33. Señor Tortilla

    Batiuk said there would be a long-lost character this year, and I still hold it’s Frankie, and it’s looking more and more like it. Darin’s facts: his adoptive father is dead or in a coma, his adoptive mother revealed their marriage was a scam, his birth mother has been dead for a while, so what’s left? That’s right–the guy who knocked Lisa up.

  34. Señor could be on to something…from TB’s blog, written last November:

    At the moment, I’m hard at work on what is turning out to be a bit of a coda to Lisa’s Story. Events in the present will spark a sort of flashback/prequel which will crossover into real life with a visit to my old apartment in Elyria (check out the intro to Volume One of The Complete Funky to see the house where Funky was born) as well as a crossover with Crankshaft thrown in for good measure. Oh, and lest I forget, a long lost character as well. The whole thing was sparked by a drive past my old apartment a couple of summers ago. For some reason I stopped and took a lot of pictures without knowing exactly why (I don’t love cell phones to the extent that most people seem to, but at times like that, I’m glad they’re around). It wasn’t until a little later that I realized that an important part of Lisa’s story happened near there involving characters from both Crankshaft and Funky. The story won’t roll out until next year, but when it does it will change everything (not really… I’ve just always wanted to say that). Stay tuned.

  35. Beanie Wanker

    Just read the above. It’s called “babbling.”

  36. bad wolf

    “Hey, what are you doing in our kitchen? Stop taking pictures of us! I don’t care if you used to live here, we’re calling the police!”

    Thanks for finding the Art Teacher! That guy looks like he could have been the source of some actual amusement. No wonder he was buried so quickly!

    I think there’s an additional support for Frankie’s appearance–the video interviews Batiuk did around the time of the Gay Prom showed him at his drawing table with some of the character model sheets–at least one of which i was sure was Frankie.