Call Any Vegetable

March 4, 2013 at 7:17 pm
You know, I have a sort of bored fascination wondering how Tom Batiuk is going to stretch today’s situation–two morons wasting the time of a third–into a three week arc…

Maybe you’d like to see two different morons wasting our time? Having Crazy Harry to mind the store means that Dead Skunk Head John is free to occupy Harry’s old spot at Montoni’s counter and gorge himself on The Perfect Food.


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28 responses to “Call Any Vegetable

  1. sourbelly

    “Would you want….” This is called writing?

    In panel 2, Funky appears to be well into his third trimester. When’s the baby shower, Funkster? How are the Lamaze classes going? (And other pregnancy jokes.)

    And yeah. Vegetables. Blecchhh. Amirite, folks?

  2. Anything to hasten the sweet embrace of Masky McDeath, right John?

  3. Epicus Doomus

    Welcome to Westview, where under-employed dimwits complain about their health and age while gloating about their poor dietary choices and lackadasical lifestyles.

    Welcome to FW, where jokes fall flatter than the paper they’re printed on. You can almost hear the tinny 1980’s-style laugh track as DSH delivers the punchline, which was clearly lifted from a “Growing Pains” outtake reel.

    At least gag-a-day Grab Bag Weeks are better than those interminable four week arcs that take forever to go nowhere. He’s definitely nailed the whole “a-day” concept, now he just needs to work on the gags. I would suggest that, for starters, he should try writing one.

  4. S.P. Charles

    Epicus, he makes us gag almost every day.

  5. BeckoningChasm

    This one is just from beyond–I do not get this episode at all.

    Unless…Dead Comic Book Series John is referencing “pepper” as a vegetable? I mean, yeah, it is…but “peperoni” isn’t spelled like “pepper”…uh. Oh, I give up. I do. Frelk you, Tom Batiuk. Frelk you.

    That’s a Joe Staton swear, I can’t remember the Farscape version. “Frell you, Tom Batiuk”?

  6. Beanie Wanker

    Discarded first draft: “The only vegetable I want on a pizza is teenage boy penis. But I don’t want it on a pizza. But I do want it in my mouth. I also want the pizza in my mouth, but I don’t want vegetables on it. I only want pepperoni, which is not really a vegetable because I don’t want any vegetables. But I still want that teenage boy penis.”

  7. Sgt. Saunders

    Dead Skunk Onna Head is missing the characteristic white spot on top of his head and, in P3, actually looks like an Old Lesbian. If I’ve offended any Old Lesbians, I apologize, but just look at that fucker. I ask you.
    Batboy just taunts us with such madness.

  8. Chyron HR

    NEW veggie pizza? So Dunston first implemented the pizza app, and then invented the breakfast pizza, and only after that did he get around to suggesting a product that every other pizzeria has had on their standard menu for decades?

  9. Bayoustu

    The best thing about this is TFH’s reference to Frank Zappa!

  10. Helskor

    How nice, they named a pizza after Fred (may God forgive me, but it’s the only thing I could come up with).

  11. Merry Pookster

    Is that the same Funky who jogs with Less… or is that Flunky’s father from the home? 

  12. billytheskink

    TB should try more of this surreal humor.
    Jerry Sandusky trying to sell vegetable pizza to a poor Al Franken impersonator wearing a funny hat… hahahahohohahaho ha yeah he he huh hmmm

  13. Duane

    The real life model of Funky must have REALLY ticked off TomBat.

  14. Beanie Wanker

    Sgt Saunders sez: Dead Skunk Onna Head is missing the characteristic white spot on top of his head and, in P3, actually looks like an Old Lesbian.

    Then he’d need to order the vagitarian pizza.


  15. Jason

    If you don’t read Mary Worth (and to be honest, why the hell would you?) check out today’s strip.

    The cane wielding, stone faced, librarian in the car would be an excellent addition to Westview!

  16. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$

    Jesus Christ….that pun doesn’t even WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEPPERroni???!! That might be the most lazy-ass word play I’ve ever seen!!! Tom Batiuk has literally failed master the lowest form of comedy….THE PUN!!!. We just might be witnessing the greatest epic fail in the history of comedic writing!!! I’m glad Walt Kelly & Charles Schultz aren’t alive to witness this abomination!!!!

  17. Jeffcoat Wayne

    Uh, hello? Tom? Tomato paste, maybe? That’s a funny misrepresentation of a vegetable, isn’t it? Five dollars, please. First window to your left.

  18. Duane

    or “lettuce have a piece of pizza together” hahahaha thank you thank you, try the veal….

  19. Speaking of vegetables: John is a real jadrool.

  20. Beanie Wanker

    Oh, just serve up the slice already, lardass. And make it with extra peperoni. I just wanna see Kid Toucher John eat it like before — In his palm, with his four fingertips facing him. I must have way too much time on my hands, but I recently tried to eat a slice of pizza like that. Did. Not. Work. So. Great.

    Swishy Tom, I know you read blogs like this. Just stop denying it. Your lawyer isn’t on 24-hour retainer for nothing. Anyway, Swish, I know you’re an old bat and close to voluntary or involuntary retirement, but it’s NOT too late to sign up for that art class. If you can’t get in at the Community College, check the local senior centers. It really might help. I know we razz you about EVERYTHING, but seriously, your artwork sucks. It’s called “drawing,” Tomboy. Work on it.

  21. John

    Our “new” veggie pizza?

    Vegetable-topped pizzas were really an alien concept in Westview?!?

    Welp, that explains the 84 extra pounds everyone but Les gained during the last time jump…

  22. John

    Sorry, Chyron, didn’t intend to copy.

  23. Jeffcoat Wayne

    I’ll bet Batiuk is one of those guys who thinks “Chicago” is the name of the state, too.

  24. Duane

    Other menu innovations at Montoni’s: mozzarella sticks, meat lovers pizza, and bread sticks

  25. Spode

    The thing I hate most about strips involving DSH John and Funky:
    DSH (the most repulsive character in all of comic strips – I can almost smell him) is raising Wally Jr, who is the son of Wally, Funky’s nephew. Does TB even think about the inter-relationships among the characters in this claustrophobically incestuous little world he has created?
    Why are these two shown talking about anything and everything except their most obvious, normal, natural human connection? Wally Jr: DSH’s adopted son and Funky’s great-nephew, who grew up in the same town Funky has lived all his life.

  26. Epicus Doomus

    Ugh, I didn’t even get the “pepper” part of this terrible, terrible “joke”. I thought he was just doing a “vegetables….yuck!” sort of riff. How does he manage to comsistently plop out this kind of drivel with such remarkable ease?

  27. Charles

    Vegetable-topped pizzas were really an alien concept in Westview?!?

    Hey now, don’t be too hard on the guy. Maybe he’s taking the literal definition of vegetables and is offering a pizza with beans, bok choy, celery and turnips.

    Either that or he’s got pieces of brain-damaged Fred on there, which would explain why it’s new to the menu. Order it soon! Supplies are limited!

  28. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$$$

    “The only vegetable I want on a pizza is tomato sauce”

    Think about how much funnier and true to human speech the above line is? It’s actually a joke I could imagine Tony Soprano to his crew after planning a hit.

    It;’s witty, well timed and best of all…………DOESN’T RESORT TO PUN HUMOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!