“Sure, you’re researching this whole documentary about the father you lost…and when I say ‘researching’, of course I mean glomming a free copy of Les’ first book.” At least we learn why Jessica thinks Darin should reconnect with the father who “lost” him: because it’s easy.
18 thoughts on “It's Called Research”
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Son of Stuck Funky 
“I totally get where you’re going with this, Tom.”
“You do?”
“Yup. You’ve been haunted for years by the idea that your beloved Lisa once argeed to have consensual sex with a creep in the back of a van. So you came up with a really contrived way to retcon it more to your liking, but the story was kind of thin so you’re padding the living shit out of it with a lot of nonsensical jabbering.”
“Uh….how do you KNOW that?”
“Well, unlike you, I READ the strip!”
“Why?”
(dead silence)
Yeah, pick up the phone — And don’t be the LEAST bit suspicious of why he’s come sniffing around at this moment. Because it really doesn’t MATTER why he was lost. Why is everyone pretending not to know ANY of the Frankiebeans back story? Everyone knows what kind of guy he is and everyone knows the circumstances of Duron’s birth. That is … unless BatHole wants to retcon that knowledge out of this storyline so he can retcon a NEW back story.
Now THAT’S called “writing!”
And if I can’t understand WTF BigHair’s John Darling Who Was Murdered research has to do with Frankiebeans, the problem must be on my end.
Jess does know by now that her father was a colossal asshole and something of a moron, right? Maybe the reason she’s forcing this issue is because she doesn’t want to be alone in her crippling disillusionment.
I “researched” the back strips of Funky Winkerbean and discovered Batiuk (Jessica) doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s called “Already been published.”
Day 12 (more or less) of the continuing saga:
Jessica wants Darvon to call Bio-Dad.
Dustbroom does not want to call his Bio-Dad.
And the plot thins….
Damn it Jesse is in wayyyyy deep over her whole daddy issues. I wish someone could slap her . This isn’t little house on the prairie, all in the family or even Gilmore girls. Jesse his dad’s an ASSHOLE, wake up and realize not everyone is your dad.
Darin: “I totally get where you’re going with this, Jess.”
Jess: “Do you?”
Darin: “Sure. You’ll notice that even though we’re married and live in a teeny tiny apartment, I sit as far away from you as possible and hardly ever touch you, talk with you, or show affection towards you.”
Jess: “Exactly! I married a loveless nitwit who’ll leave me and the baby high and dry, whether it be by an untimely death or deliberate abandonment! The pattern of pain, bitterness, and unresolved anguish -must- continue!”
*******************************************
Seriously, though, it worries me to no end women in the Batiukverse seem to be capable only of nagging or providing sexual favors. Tom, you’ve evolved into an extremely sexist creep.
Can words express how stupid these two are?
“Jess, my dad’s a rapist.”
“No he’s not! My daddy was good man!”
“I know. I’m talking about my dad.”
“MY FATHER WAS SHOT. Why won’t you call him?!”
“Jess, you know they’re different people, right?”
“Call my daddy Darin.”
“…Holy crap, are you implying we’re siblings?”
Blondie McBighair and Crayola need to have a no-holds-barred Nag Off.
I’ve been assuming that Jessica believes her father was Wendy Darling’s brother and that most of her research involves watching various adaptations of Peter Pan.
“My father could FLY, Darin! He could FLY! Maybe your father can too… but you won’t know unless you call him.”
aggggggg. His father was not “lost to him” his father, the man who raised him is upstairs in the chair with the stroke (granted he never talked about his first family but that is another issue). He and Frank share some DNA and NOTING ELSE. If Frankie wants to explain what happened, he can write him a letter. Despite the firing of Crazy Harry the post office is still functioning – what he’s doing is creepy as all hell.
I know the town has a shirnk (Les was seen talking to hi at the beginning of Act III – But never again by the way ) the young lady needs to talk to him.
I just don’t know about Tom Batiuk. It’s clear that his talent lies in creating the most obnoxious, loathsome characters of all time (Les and Lisa Moore). That’s obviously where his interest lies, just as it’s obvious how vexed he is when internet sniping forces him to scale them back.
Contrarily, it’s just as clear that he cannot create any other kind of character; witness Jessica and Darin, two creatures of such mind-numbing tedium that it is painful to be in their presence.
These two are so damned boring they could put out a forest fire.
Man, this is going to end up being one hell of a long-ass arc. He hasn’t even gotten to the part that’s going to set up the part that leads us into the Lisa part yet. Next week will probably be devoted to Boy Lisa as he spends six days dialing FTR’s number, followed by “the reunion”, followed by Les’ outrage, followed by Les “finding” the “secret journal”, followed by the actual retcon, followed by Boy Lisa’s reaction to the retcon, followed by FTR being run out of town. That’s like ten weeks right there and it doesn’t even take the documentary OR the pregnancy into account.
@BC, it’s obvious that even Batiuk is bored with them. Look how the “action” slows down whenever the strip features them- an entire week of DurrHurr and Tony arguing the merits of electronic vs. paper calendars last year, two solid weeks of them announcing she’s pregnant, and now three days so far of them saying the same thing back and forth.
DurrHurr— that’s the best nickname I’ve ever heard! XD
Frankie’s a rapist, drunk and a failed football player.
Is there really Any thing else that Durwood needs to know?
Like what? That his favorite beer is Duff’s?
That he’s secretly running a meth lab in a woodshed in Akron?
That Frankie’s got seven warrants in six states for stealing the dimes out of condom machines?
Seriously Jess, it’s not like your going to learn anything new about JOHN DARLING from you pitiful research.
John Darling
1. He hosted a mediocre news program.
2. People hated his frickin guts.
3. He got shot.
End of story.
Heck what did Darren learn about Lisa?
1. She was raped/roofied/pity-fucked by FTR.
2. Had to marry the biggest douchebag in history of mankind.
3. Got cancer
4. Died
5. Canonized in the mind of said douchebag.
There’s really nothing more to know about these characters. Mainly because their creator Tom Batiuk had given them all the depth of a deflated kiddie pool.
Duron knows better than to tell Bighair to stop with the nagging. Les once called Cayla a “nagger” and ended up with four busted ribs, a broken nose, and two black eyes.
No. No, she doesn’t. What’s more, she doesn’t want to know because the prick is her own personal Dead Lisa: a mediocrity turned into a saint by an imbecile. This is going to make the inevitable discovery (I actually ASKED Batiuk if she’s going to find out that her dad was a jerk and he said yes) really painful. My guess is that she’ll blame Durwood for it because she’s as dumb and self-centered as her dad.