My God, Holly’s dialogue in panels one and two is brain-busting. Except for the need to fill a pre-existing, drawn-a-year-in-advance word balloon (my pet theory, I hope you don’t mind if I harp on it constantly), I’m hard-pressed to think why such a fetid stew of verbiage would get vomited up. Every time I try to think of a way to shorten that mess, my mind goes blank. But let’s try:
The actual point of the strip, hinted at yesterday, is that yes, Funky was a fan of Starbuck Jones. Since it seems Cory is too, perhaps they’ll have an actual reason to contact one another and chat. Of course, Funky being Funky, the idea of communicating with a fellow human being, other than to express contempt, is inconceivable. Note the tense of Funky’s verb: Funky was a fan of Starbuck Jones. Was. Then, he grew up, hardened his gaze, and never looked back. He was many things. He is…Funky Winkerbean.
Holly then offers up another “If only we’d gotten to know him better” lament. Well, Holly, that wouldn’t have happened with Funky (being after all, Funky), but you know, Cory is your biological child. You’ve known him all his life. You have pretty much no excuse not to know more about your own son than you do. So, yeah, I guess you can feel sorry for yourself. No one else is going to.
Bonus “Utter Insanity” note–look at Funky in panel three. Specifically, look at his neck. You see the tag there? The tag that typically signifies “size” and “washing instructions”? See how it has flipped itself up? This…this is amazing. Tom Batiuk, an artist who cannot be bothered with panel-to-panel consistency, makes certain that Funky’s t-shirt tag is realistically flipped up. And they say there are no miracles.
Son of Stuck Funky 
So is there some reason that Rocky’s mom couldn’t ship SJ#7 to Rocky directly? What necessitates Holly having to drive to Rocky’s mom’s house to pick it up? Oh, that’s right…if it went that way TB wouldn’t be able to mention STARBUCK JONES in every other panel. Sigh.
Yeah, the word balloons are just BURSTING with verbiage today. Blah, blah, blah….f*cking ponderous, man. Of all the ways he could have gone with this he chose the lamest, most boring route possible. Some things never change.
Did Funky shoot some Human Growth Hormone in panel 2 or something? His heads gotten freakishly larger and he has the physique of Ray Nitzke.
Sadly Funky didn’t share his ‘roids with Holly, who’s face is starting to bloat up into Ziggy-like extremes. Come to think of it. I’m not all that certain that Holly isn’t Ziggy in drag…
WTF This is arc bathack was so proud of he brought up in interviews ?
Somehow Funky and Holly’s utter disinterest and neglect will turn out to be Cory’s fault, I know it.
Um, are we supposed to forget that Funky once said: “To tell the truth, I never was really that much into Starbucks Jones.” ?!
Besides, I can’t think of a quicker way for Cory to stop reading StarBuck Jones than for his old man to admit he’s also a fan.
So here’s the big storyline that Batiuk talked about months ago! Holly’s Odyssey to obtain a Starbuck Jones comic book for her 19 year-old son! Man, and I was salivating over it for all that time! It’s finally here!
So Holly drives over to her friend’s house to pick up a comic book to Cory. She sends it to Cory and then on their next Skype session Holly has a facial expression that’s not “Old Man Johnson’s sunbathing nude in his backyard again, in full view of our kitchen”. And that’s it. That’s the entire arc.
Tune in later this month when Crazy finds a wheat penny in his couch! And let’s not miss Owen’s quest to sell a band turkey door-to-door! Will it be as futile as last year’s? And then soon after Les puts up holiday decorations and makes some remark to Cayla that gets him smirking! Or maybe she says something that gets him smirking! I don’t know! It’s just that wild and unpredictable!
I smell P-U-L-I-T-Z-E-R!
Congratulations, Batiuk, you just made me despise Holly (when I just felt mild apathy for her.) She’s just as selfish as her husband though in a different way.
Thus illustrating the importance of Second Drafts.
Oh, boo-hoo. Two stupid idiot boomers whining because his antipathy towards the stepson who reminds him that he’s firing blanks and her being Carmela Soprano have made them miss out on Cory’s childhood. Somehow, it will be Cory’s fault because boomers can’t accept blame.
Oh, okay, Cory likes comics. But not any shitty comic that was released during HIS lifetime, of course. No, he only likes the kind of comics that came out during Tom Batiuk’s childhood.
So I guess Cory’s parents will buy volume one of the Essential Starbuck Jones omnibus series… no, wait, that would be silly! Instead they’re going to ship a collector’s copy of Issue #7–and only issue #7–to a warzone.
It’s called writing!
The ole’ Merry Pookster just hasn’t had anything to snark for a long time because this whole strip stinks more then ever. Tom has gotten so lazy that these mindless short-lived vignettes are barely snarkable. The only way Tom could silence me further is to just retire and never run a FW strip again.
But alas… “Hope” is a town in Arkansas not Ohio.
“A friend in his outfit named Rocky…” Holy crossover Batiuk! Looks like before shipping off to Camp Alamo, Cory was stationed at Camp Swampy.
This then begs the question, why didn’t Cory just buy Starbuck Jones #7 from master procurer Cosmo?
Terrible prose that has to be read three times before its meaning is discerned? Must be Tuesday in Westview.
It’s an elaborate scam by Corey. They will ship a vintage comic to him Corey will sell the comic to the Afghanistan version of Comix Corner and buy Opium with the money.
I just know Batiuk is cursing himself for not making that word balloon bigger in Panel 2, because what he really wanted Holly to say was:
“Rocky’s mother called and said Rocky had told her that I could stop by and pick up the issue for Cory, so I told Rocky’s mother to tell Rocky that I would stop by and pick up the issue for Cory sometime this afternoon and Rocky’s mother told me that Rocky told her that any time I want to stop by to pick up the issue for Cory would be just fine.”
“Truth be told…I was never that into ‘Starbuck Jones’.
“Con-ti-nu-ity….what that mean?” – TB. He didn’t like SJ, he did like SJ, you can’t expect the guy to remember every little detail. Lest we forget, this is the same strip where a woman who was dead for over a decade would routinely pop in and out pretty regularly.
“Hyoo-mahn spouse! Attend! My offspring, designation ‘Cory,’ has bonded with a hyoo-mahn designated Rocky (unknown whether igneous or sedimentary). Because this unit’s memory is purged at regular intervals, unknown whether ‘Starbuck Jones’ previously encountered. Intent is to transfer hardcopy ‘Starbuck Jones’ #7 from Westview station to Afghanistan station. Rocky-nurturer, in possession of #7, has approved said transfer. Because this unit’s memory is purged at regular intervals, unknown whether ‘Starbuck Jones’ new or continuing interest of offspring ‘Cory.’
“Hyoo-mahn spouse! How long have you been obese?”
So…the first time we ever talked about good ol’ SJ was when Funky used his time-traveling coma to cause a paradox for a money-making scheme? But now, all of a sudden, Funky really was that into SJ, because plot needs?
You know, it’s bad enough being reminded that the author can’t keep his continuity straight; having to find out by revisiting a really stupid time paradox that just got invalidated is maddening.
In the last days of the fake twitter account @mayoremmanuel, it was revealed to the parodic Rahm that he was actually from an alternate reality; that his was but one of an infinite number of Chicagos. That’s my new theory to explain Funky Winkerbean – we’re being paraded through an endless variety of alternate Westviews, which we shift between with no warning. The time jumps, then, are simply moving to dimensions in which events started out years earlier than what we’re used to seeing. This explains why Funky suddenly discovered a retroactive love for Starbuck Jones; why Bull is sometimes a reformed bully, and sometimes a protective old friend; why Crankshaft doesn’t *really* seem to align with Westview pre-time jump; and why Wally was fighting in Afghanistan fifteen years ago.
How utterly (contrived) convenient that Rocky’s mom, mother of Rocky, Corky’s platoonmate, Rocky lives close enough for Piggy McBlob to stop on by and pick up a $2 comic book. That’s way more fun than, say, having Flunky walk upstairs from the smelly pizza joint to BUY a copy from Dead Skunk Head Kid Toucher John.
“Hmmm… He’s into comic books. *I* was into comic books. We’re both into comic books. Who knew? I might have to stop hating his frickin’ guts after all!”
“Funky, you stupid turd. This is the Battiverse. EVERYONE’S into comic books here!”