So Batiuk’s annual e-card showing Funky and Ed Crankshaft fighting over the last tree in the lot was just a mere bit o’ whimsy. While I’m a sucker for those heartwarming “Soldier on leave surprises family” videos, all I keep thinking about when I see today’s strip is camo-clad Cory, newly minted killing machine, stealthily stalking his parents between rows of Douglas firs, waiting, just waiting for the right moment to make his presence known…
14 thoughts on “When What to My Wondering Eyes Should Appear”
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Son of Stuck Funky 
Well besides the passiveness we’ve come to expect with these people waiting until the last minute to get a tree, it actually involves something nice happening and a character under the age of 35.
Of course you have to wonder how he knew they would be there. Was he following them? Do they have a tradition of waiting for the last minute to buy a tree?
“Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad. Guess what? I’ve gone AWOL!!!
Isn’t that great news??!! Well we better hurry along with the whole tree picking thing, cause I hear the MP sirens in the distance. We only have 15 minutes, before I get pummeled with batons, thoroughly anal cavity searched and then thrown into stockades. But, hey, all of it is worth it to be home for the holidays, right??!! By the way mom, did you actually fucking go through all that trouble to get that Starbuck Jones comic? I was completely kidding, I hate that comic book! I just wanted to see if you would actually be stupid enough to peruse countless comic book ratholes to get a 7 cent Flash Gordon knockoff. But hey, it’s the holidays!! Merry Funkmass everybody!!!”
Meanwhile, Wally is chained to the sink at Montoni’s. How likely is it that at new soldier, just recently sent overseas, gets leave to come back for Christmas? Having never bought a tree off a lot, even in Westview, I don’t know if it’s too late now to get a decent one. It sure snows a lot in Westview, you would think it’s in the Green Mountains.
Oh boy, just WAIT until he finds out about his dear old ma finishing his “Starbuck Jones” collection for him and …..(zzzzzzzz). Looks like the army has straightened the punk out already, but let’s not jump to any conclusions until we actually see him pay for the tree.
But the real story isn’t that cretin Cory, it’s the incessant snowfall that threatens to cripple Westview with its relentless fury. There’s always something falling in the Funkyverse: rain, snow, leaves, expectations, white blood cell counts, life expectancies, artwork standards, graduation rates…you get the picture.
Eh, it’s not too bad. It’s actually nicely sentimental and has nothing to do with any Moores–that’s ten points right there.
I suppose that neither of Cory’s rents heard about his return because Holly spent the week in a comic book store, and Funky spent the week putting up decorations. And the US Army only sends out a single email, two days before a GI goes on a vacation, and neither rent ever checks the email..
I liked this one and will give TB a pass. I remain confident that the super team of Cory and Rocky are doomed, doomed I tell you, in 2014. So create those memories for the ‘rents, Cory, because soon it may be all they have left of you if TB is true to form.
Holly: Remember when Cory was little…
Funky: Uh, no. He’s not my son, remember? He just came along with the deal when I married you.
Holly: Oh, Funky, it’s called writing.
“This one isn’t too bad, I guess. But this is the Funkyverse and I am its eponymous caretaker. Now find me a tree worthy of the misery. One that will generate feelings of melancholy and disgust at the mere mention of it two years hence. Such a foul, fetid conifer is here, I can feel it. Oh, hi, Cory. WTF you doin’ here? Scram, will’ya? I got a tree to find.”
Cute enough. But Cory does look like he’s following up this week’s terrible Marvin with a reference to that Duck Dynasty show.
What are the odds that there is no “Rocky” or even mention thereof.
“I came back to repay the money I stole from Lisa Run”.
Holly: “Remember how we used to get a tree?”
Funky: “Yes.”
Holly: “…..”
Funky: “Um, did you have a point?”
Holly: “Oh, no. Just wondering if you remembered.”
Cory: “Remember how you used to have a son?”
Holly: “No.”
Funky: “You’re not MY son.”
Cory: “…”
Funky
The one detail that really makes this one great is the framed picture of Cory in the masthead. What an awesome sneer. And yeah, somehow I can imagine Holly getting this particular shot framed out of all the photos they have of him. “We keep this one above the fireplace to remind us of Cory at his best.”
Who’s picking out their Christmas tree two days before Christmas? I mean, the few years we got a real tree, it was still up for several weeks beforehand…
There is a tradition of putting the tree up and decorating it Christmas Eve, and keeping it up for the twelve days of Christmas (which start with Christmas Day and end at Twelfth Night / Epiphany). This really only works when you cut your own tree, since lot trees were all cut at the same time, too early to last.
I seriously doubt anyone in this strip follows an old European tradition, though. More likely the strip is out of sync with actual dates, and we’re supposed to read it as happening in the first few days of December.