Hey, Funky, I have a better idea–how about if you wish you were the way you were thirty years ago? That would take you back to when you were kind of funny. Going back twenty years means you’re going to have to go through all that again–the alcoholism, the divorce, the beginning of the unending spiral toward the heat death of the universe. Only this time you’ll have to watch, helpless, as it all happens again.
An even better idea–why don’t you wish you were thirty years older? That way Cory can take you to the food court, and you can complain that the sandwiches are way too big. And you’ll be that much closer to death’s sweet embrace.
Son of Stuck Funky 
“I want to lose weight and tone my body, as long as I don’t have to go to any great effort to do it.” The philosophy 90% of infomercials are geared towards.
Twenty years? Guh-ffaw! Take twenty years off Funky and you still have a fat old miserable sap who looks twice his age, so what’s the difference? Houdini himself couldn’t help the Funk-Man and the only (ahem) magician fluent enough in the felt-tip medium to help can only add age, he can’t subtract.
I know a way to lose ten pounds of ugly fat and improve the strip. Permanently.
An even better idea–why don’t you wish you were thirty years older?
Even better idea than that–why don’t you wish you were thirty years dead? At least then you’d be resting in peace, away from this hick town. And Les might even write a book about you.
And Les might even write a book about you.
And that book might even get a movie option. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see the film adaptation of “Caustic Pizza”, Les’ definitive Funky biography?
Funky…Wanna loose a ton of weight?
Get a divorce.
And in another, the U.S. Olympic team is getting fashion hints from Owen:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/2014/01/23/first-look-ralph-lauren-opening-ceremony-uniforms/4786049/
I wonder what Khan is doing now? Must be interesting having to reintergrate back into a society you left. Such a culture shock would make for great drama and maybe even a little comedy. Wouldn’t it be great to see that depicted? But, no…we have to see a week worth of analysis of Funky’s futile struggle against morbid obesity! Sigh…I really need to start reading better comic strips or take up alcohol…whichever’s easier.
Westview, I created my own theory about Khan being a brilliant smuggler moving drugs and guns all across Asia and I’m sticking to it. Right now the guy’s being the Afghan James Bond, dodging corrupt government officials, Taliban bombers and coalition forces to make it to the rendezvous in Tajikistan.
Moving back to Hell on Earth, a.k.a. Westview, how has this place stayed alive? Maybe that’s why the woman has him going through exercises even before she’s finished talking with him. The actual accredited instructor gave up and moved back to better business opportunities in Detroit, she just kept the pretense up and slips the inspector a nickel every month.
1. Fitness Girl: (thinking) “Chocolate is definitely my favorite ice cream flavor.”
2. Fitness Girl: (thinking) “Then again, there’s always vanilla…”
3. Fitness Girl: (thinking) “And strawberry too. Dang! Better buy a pint of neapolitan tonight and…ye GAWDS, does this tub ever shut up?!? You’re working out, ya old load! Save yer damn breath!”
I wonder what Khan is doing now?
You know, I went back and looked at the Bryne-drawn “Khan captures Wally” strips and discovered that Wally labeled Khan as a “foreign mercenary”. So the guy’s not even from Afghanistan. When he was last there he was a bandit and a smuggler, and yet we’re supposed to believe that he’s somehow going to be able to get back into the country without any issue whatsoever.
I bet Batiuk won’t mention any of it, because he’s completely forgotten every bit of characterization he gave Khan before he became smug Afghan dope who peppers his speech with bizarre Americanisms.
“I want to look how I looked two time jumps ago. Not a teen, but not a chubby turtle-headed sad sack who looks like he’s 45 going on 60. See “My Name Is Funky And I’m An Alcoholic” for a reference point.”