And now Jff makes his appearance, because like everyone else in this world of horror, he’s a big comic book fan. And the one issue he has pined for, apparently for decades, is Action Comics #243.
Well, what can have happened in Action Comics #243? The first appearance of some classic villain, or the revealing of some Kryptonian lore? Perhaps a cross-over visit from some other DC superhero, or the start of some epic storyline? Well, they say all mysteries are solved on the internet. Therefore, let us all look in wonder upon Action Comics #243.
Question answered, and the answer is no. It’s another one of those goofy silver-age things, where Flash gains 5,000 pounds, Batman has to wear a rainbow costume, Jimmy Olson can’t stop eating pancakes, or Green Arrow has to buy condoms…for Green Lantern.
In other words, the kind of story that no one in his right mind could yearn for over the decades.
Of course, whenever I see these silver-age things, I can’t help thinking that the authors–who had these colorful super-heroes, super-villains, and entire galaxies to play with–had gotten really, really bored with their work. That grinding these things out was just that: a grind. And that they tossed out ideas like this one–“Superman turns into a lion! There, I’m done. See you at the bar!”–just to keep the paychecks coming.
This may be a bit of a clue as to why Tom Batiuk seems to be so fond of these especially goofy DC comics. (He posted on his blog once that he was so glad he’d bought the Flash comic mentioned above, instead of the first Spider-Man story.) It seems more than a clue, really–because I can think of another author, who seems to be reacting to his cast in the very same manner. By which I mean he’s gotten really, really bored with all this. And he just can’t bring himself to turn Les into a lion.
Suddenly these goofy comic-books don’t seem so goofy any more. At least their authors managed a bit of an escape.
Son of Stuck Funky 
The reason Jff wanted the comic is because it had the second chapter of the Congo Bill story he read in the previous issue.
Whenever Batiuk brings up specific, real world comics like this, it always makes me think I should be reading them and not FW. I guarantee you Action Comics #243 would be more entertaining than all of FW.
I’d be shocked if tomorrow, it doesn’t turn out that Jeff’s old age and various cancers have left him unable to read anymore.
spaceman spiff FTW. I can’t imagine being 70 something years old like pre-stroke Jff here, and somebody handing me a fucking comic book. On the other hand, Batiuk probably hopes something like this will happen to him someday.
A quick glance at eBay shows that Action Comics #243 is going in the ballpark of $50-100–not cheap, but not unattainable by any means. If this really is Jff’s “holy grail,” he probably would have found a way to buy it well before now.
@TheDiva – remember, this is ten or twenty years in the future. By this time, comic books have probably been so devalued that Action Comics #243 is probably less than a dollar.
Holly: Gee Jeff as a thank you I bought this comic you’ve wanted for years. Just to make it easier for you I removed it from the bag and have been pawing it my pizza grease soaked hands. You might want to blot it with a napkin before reading it.
@DOlz, Batiuk has done that consistently. He goes on and on about how great and valuable this stuff is, and then when it’s drawn it’s never in a back. Or you have Holly waving a priceless splash page around in the street.
Bag, not back.
Great post BC. Remember, he kind of did turn Lisa into a lioness just a few weeks ago, sort of. It was only a dream sequence, but still.
Of course Author Guy would choose a really dumb cornball comic to be this Crankshaft asshole’s “holy grail” issue, which he was too lazy or stupid to track down himself over the course of the last eighty years. Holly completely botched her own search at Comic Con, yet somehow she remembered this guy’s “HG” issue? Uh yeah, sounds feasible.
Note how the comic isn’t slabbed and bagged either. That would be wrong, you see, because all that “collector’s” nonsense isn’t what comic book are all about. They’re about pointless nostalgia and how you wasted your time as a kid, you see. And that’s really what it’s all about…killing time before you die, right?
Is there anywhere in the world where anyone cares as much about comic books as these people do? Seriously, I’ve been around for 49 years and have worked and lived all over the United States. Never have I met adults so enamored with comic books as these schmucks seem to be!
@spacemanspiff85, you’re right about that. It’s nice to know that TB is consistent about something at least and this is as least as you can get.
@Mason Jarr, back when I collected comics I never meet anyone with the kind of narrow focus these folks have. They had other interests (pizza doesn’t count TB) and could have interesting conversations where comics never came up. These were serious collectors and readers of comics, but they didn’t approach the cult like worship seen in Westview.
“Superman turns into a lion! There, I’m done. See you at the bar!”–just to keep the paychecks coming.”
lol This made me laugh so hard but otherwise that pretty much nailed it. I always found these bizarro type stories so random and as said before, with such a rich universe of characters to choose from, the best alternate stories some of these guys could come up with was Lion head Superman and 4,000 lb Flash (Batiuk actually said be passed on the first Spiderman/story just to get that instead? How lame IS this guy?)
Anyways, apparently if you love extremely silly side stories in your DC pantheon of stories, you will be punished with a crippling aneurism someday.
Oops, as you can see from my post above, I thought this was Fred Fairgood for some reason, didn’t realize it was the couple from Crankshaft, bah.
Oh, lovely. Instead of making his Marvel, Bathack chooses to bow down and worship the brazen idols of ludicrous gimmickry, baroque dialogue and ass-pulls. No wonder he spouts bullshit like solo car date: the omnishambles’s brain has been warped by reading Brand ECCCCHHHHH.
Jeff is a furry.
By which I mean he’s gotten really, really bored with all this. And he just can’t bring himself to turn Les into a lion.
You have the wrong totemic animal in mind. I’m thinking of Les’s would be more of a jackal or a slug or maybe even a tapeworm…
@Howard and Nester, perhaps a laughing hyena?
What? No pizza?
On Sunday we’ll get 6 panels of Pm and Jff wordlessly sitting on their couch, turning the pages of the Holy Grail. In the last panel, Jff says, “This is puerile garbage.”
“Your daughter mentioned…”
Dropping hints… Looks like Mindy Murdoch learned something from those years of dating Mooch Myers, or at least from talking to Holly for 5 minutes.
@TheDiva: Total agreeance. A guy like Jff certainly could have afforded on a lawyer’s salary. And Google seems to suggest that there are plenty of copies available rated VG or better. So, it’s not like it’s exactly either expensive or difficult to find.
Also, if he insists on focusing on comic books so much, I’d at least like to see Batiuk step outside the bounds of the Marvel and DC worlds for once which is getting really old as a trope. I’m an avid fan of Carl Bark’s Uncle Scrooge and Donald adventures (which were partly a source of inspiration for Indiana Jones, Lucas and Spielberg even attended a retirement/commemoration party for Bark’s career at Disney many years ago), show something like that for a change. But no, in Batiuk’s world it’s all warmed over pizza topped with narrow slices of nostalgia, can’t have any other cuisines.
Jff: Two thirty-four. Action Comics #234. Why would anyone want #243? And now I have several panels of wall-of-text exposition about the heartbreak of dyslexia. Also, something about melancholy.
captaincab: Just another update to get you up to speed. Fred Fairgood is now confined to a wheelchair after suffering a stroke while on the toilet. And it turns out that Mrs. Fairgood has been unhappily married and woefully unfulfilled the entire time. Fred is now limited to the occasional mumble, thus “Pm n Jff”.
@DOlz: That’s the truly inexplicable thing: the way everybody acts like the only way to read these old comic books is to have an original copy in your hands. Reprints, bound editions, electronic databases–all non-existent. It’s like trying to read Great Expectations by hunting down every single issue of All the World Round printed between 1860 and 1861.
Honestly I find this worship of these silly comic books to be anoying as all get out – at least the golden age comics can have a crude vigor that make them readable even now – but those aren’t the ones the Author worships, no it’s this – as someone noted above – ‘purile garbage’ – it’s about as authentic as a Pat Boone rock and roll cover and made with the same cynical ‘yes it’s garbage but what the hell do kids know” mindset. Turns out they knew enough when Marvel showed up and took off. I find it rather puzzling that the Author is so fond of these silly stories when his own work is weighted down to the breaking point with heavy messages and issues (when he isn’t indulging his comic book fetish).
One thing is consitent – none of these dc stories had any consequences beyond the end of the story – but even in the first issue of the Amazing Spiderman – actions have results – Uncle Ben is dead and Peter will never be the same. Not so with ANYBODY in the Funkyverse.
@Epicus Doomus
A stroke *while on the toilet.* Wow. Batiuk always adds that extra touch of the macabre.
Placing my bet: in the time since Jeff missed out on his one-and-only eBay bid, Pam has finally convinced him to throw out his box of happy childhood memories.
Thus giving Holly a new aim in life – to track down and collect every comic that Jeff once had. Pam will support this upon realizing that like Cory, Jeff cannot die until his personal collection is complete, and he will remain trapped in his shuffling, decrepit body until then, like a comics-nerd-zombie.
captaincab: And Ann hesitated before assisting Fred because she thought he was just making another dumb dick joke. Now Fred is mere comic relief, occasionally babbling in the background and STILL making that stupid “I assisted with the delivery” joke re: Darin at any opportunity. Ann Fairgood briefly emerged from obscurity to coach the WHS girls’ basketball team to a state title but then Summer graduated and everyone stopped caring about WHS girls’ basketball again.
Epicus: You forgot Fred’s greatest contribution to Funky Winkerbean…
“Pm and Jff”
If you want to check out some of the old, goofy-style DC comics visit superdickery.com where a multitude of examples of, yeah, Superman being a dick abound. Bats probably uses it for inspiration.