September 2014 – Page 6 – Son of Stuck Funky

Lock Up The Weapons

Wow, Jff continues to delve deeply into complete mania…over a comic book. I’m sure glad Holly didn’t give him two comic books, or we’d be looking at exploded brains all over the walls. And now we can see whose birthday, briefly glimpsed yesterday, is being celebrated (I had the idea that it was Jff’s birthday, and Holly had scribbled a message on the comic book in grease pencil). It’s Daisy Air Rifle’s birthday!

Good thing there aren’t any air rifles around, or Jff’s uncontrollable madness might result in tragedy.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a tragedy we would care about, nor would it be a tragedy that could help Funky Winkerbean. Because unless I miss my guess, this is the first Funky Winkerbean strip in which none of the actual Funky Winkerbean characters appear. So if all these people died, we’d still have Les, Dinkle and the other denizens of the Winkerbean Mythos. Damn it.

Jaws: The Remake

Link to today’s strip.
Good lord, I’ve never seen anyone so utterly transformed by a comic book. The amount of joy Jff is experiencing is mutating him into an unearthly being! In that last panel, Jff looks like he’s turning to bite Holly’s head, and he’s got a set of jaws that can do it in one gulp!

Isn’t it odd that people get excited over this stuff, but then refer to the issues in such a clinical way? It’s not, “I can’t believe I’m actually holding the issue which first introduces gold kryptonite!” but this weirdly specific “Action Comics #243!” I suppose people who are dedicated collectors would do this, but it seems odd for fans. If you got A-Rod’s autograph, would you yell “Hey, I got NY Yankees’ Number 13’s autograph!”? It just seems, again, like someone who enjoys collecting, but doesn’t actually enjoy the actual article itself.

Whichever it is, you know, Mr. Batiuk, we get it. We really do. You think collecting comic books is just the greatest pastime ever–even collecting remarkably stupid ones like Action Comics #243. And that’s okay, I mean, I’m sure we all have our little “guilty pleasures.”

It’s just that none of the rest of us bring them up, in public, every damned time we meet someone. I mean, come on. Give it a rest.

If those damned things mean that much to you, there’s only one thing you must do. You’ve already made a good start here, turning Jff into a shark, but you need to go all the way.

You need to turn Les into a lion. And not just as a comic book tribute, but as an actual week-long storyline. Anything less would reflect poorly on comic books–and I don’t think you want to do that.

A Bit of a Clue

Link to today’s strip.

And now Jff makes his appearance, because like everyone else in this world of horror, he’s a big comic book fan. And the one issue he has pined for, apparently for decades, is Action Comics #243.

Well, what can have happened in Action Comics #243? The first appearance of some classic villain, or the revealing of some Kryptonian lore? Perhaps a cross-over visit from some other DC superhero, or the start of some epic storyline? Well, they say all mysteries are solved on the internet. Therefore, let us all look in wonder upon Action Comics #243.

Question answered, and the answer is no. It’s another one of those goofy silver-age things, where Flash gains 5,000 pounds, Batman has to wear a rainbow costume, Jimmy Olson can’t stop eating pancakes, or Green Arrow has to buy condoms…for Green Lantern.

In other words, the kind of story that no one in his right mind could yearn for over the decades.

Of course, whenever I see these silver-age things, I can’t help thinking that the authors–who had these colorful super-heroes, super-villains, and entire galaxies to play with–had gotten really, really bored with their work. That grinding these things out was just that: a grind. And that they tossed out ideas like this one–“Superman turns into a lion! There, I’m done. See you at the bar!”–just to keep the paychecks coming.

This may be a bit of a clue as to why Tom Batiuk seems to be so fond of these especially goofy DC comics. (He posted on his blog once that he was so glad he’d bought the Flash comic mentioned above, instead of the first Spider-Man story.) It seems more than a clue, really–because I can think of another author, who seems to be reacting to his cast in the very same manner. By which I mean he’s gotten really, really bored with all this. And he just can’t bring himself to turn Les into a lion.

Suddenly these goofy comic-books don’t seem so goofy any more. At least their authors managed a bit of an escape.

Holy Sufferin’ Grail, Batman

Link to today’s strip.

Well, so we have Pm here (of Pm and Jff), and Holly is talking about comic books. Comic books, once (in the bygone days of ignorance) thought of as disposable entertainments, are now considered Holy Tracts. So Holly’s going to preach the four-color word here, and tell everyone how she was a lost soul, eatin’ pizza, naggin’ the husband, watchin’ TV until Starbuck Jones Himself came to her in a vision and saved her soul.

Apparently, Tom Batiuk’s notion of entertainment is that entertainment is evil, and every last vestige needs to be destroyed in anything that might possibly contain it. Like those poor comic books. I for one cannot imagine ever picking up a comic book again, unless it was hot inside and I needed to fan myself.

There are two types of stories in Westview: the mind-numbingly boring ones like last week, Bull and Dolt McMoron discussed football (something that clearly didn’t engage the author of the strip). The other type is the one the author feels passionately about–it’s also mind-numbingly boring, but it’s so shrill and piercing that it’s hard to ignore. At least the characters in the strip don’t suffer as much as the critics; they seem relatively okay with their benumbed existence.

I think Tom Batiuk is getting his fondest wish–that his critics become so miserable viewing his work that they actually think living in Westview would be preferable.