Copy-Pasta

I’m in deep admiration of all the insane comments you guys here and on other platforms have shoveled out to shield us from the madness that is ‘Pete and Mindy Take Montoni’s’. While our gallant Ducky wonders if we’re reaching unsnarkable levels, I feel like this is a fascinating case study in how far the storytelling in the Funkyverse has fallen.

One thing that made Crankshaft tolerable in the past is that it had a pretty solid main cast of about 20 characters who had the good grace to be developed when Batiuk was still in ‘wacky’ mode. Batuik mostly assumed his readers knew who these characters were, and assumed that readers remembered how they usually felt about each other, so he didn’t feel the need to have them constantly spouting an inane mix of pleasantries and exposition at each other with rictus grins on their faces like skibidi toilets deep in conversation.

Nightmares coming at you courtesy of 2023…

For example, what was going on in Crankshaft ten years ago?

Spoiler Alert, Chris (Crankshaft’s other daughter) and the fireman don’t turn into anything. So that’s a dropped plot point. None of this is great persay, but the it still seems a touch more human to me. The characters are saying things that a real life, human person might possibly say in the same situation, and the story is being told through the art and subtext much much more.

The dialogue for Crankshaft now has slowly devolved into something barely more human than those funny greeting card aliens. (Strange Planet by Nathan Pyle)

Nearly every action is narrated right after it happens, as if we cannot SEE with our own eyes.

Almost every line sounds like the start of one of those bland performative conversations you get into with people who you’ve known forever but don’t really know that well, as you eat stale donuts and sip cold greasy coffee in the fellowship hall after the service. You can act happy, you can act sad, but you cannot act without a bit of artificiality.

And these are parents and children, brothers and sisters, lovers, talking like two former classmates having their biannual 15 minute catch-up in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Banana Jr has been over this again and again, but I’m gonna harp on it too.

Batiuk is bad at exposition, and only getting worse.

I think some of this is an effect of the current way the strip is being made. When Batiuk had Ayers, as sloppy as he got in the end, Batiuk could tell Ayers the idea he wanted conveyed in the panel, and, in his better moments, he trusted Ayers could draw it. No speech bubble needed in EVERY SINGLE PANEL.

For example these back in 2010.

That first strip really gave us all the exposition we needed, especially if we wanted a little suspense for a few days. We can debate if it was necessary to give us two panels of note unfolding and reading and three panels of website looking. But in a better story we would need moments to just be with Rachel seeing her make little decisions and act to give us some unspoken insight into her mental state. You may as well ask if we needed half a minute of Luke Skywalker trying to burn out his own retinas.

“Your eyes can deceive you, don’t trust them. FRY THEM.”

But do you know how these strips would be written now.

Some of you might go, CBH, that wasn’t THAT abysmal. Maybe it wasn’t. But it was completely unnecessary. And that makes it bad. Nothing in any of those added speech bubbles would normally be spoken aloud by a woman home alone with a sleeping child. And even if they were thought bubbles, nothing in them provides any new information as far as the story is concerned. We don’t learn anything that wasn’t already conveyed through just the art. Could you write better speech bubbles? With actually interesting information? Sure. But that’s not what Batiuk would do now.

I’m helping a friend edit a webcomic, and I can’t tell you how often, on the second or third draft, we realize we don’t NEED a speech bubble, or a thought bubble. How often we try to add layers of new character information on top of the necessary exposition. Even if the character depth isn’t integral to the basic plot. Comics are all about being as concise as possible. Cramming as much as you can into as little as you can without crowding it. Like trying to Feng Shui a tiny New York shoebox of an apartment. You’ve got a few panels. You’ve got a smaller portion in those panels where the words could go.

And sometimes you say it best when you say nothing at all.

101 thoughts on “Copy-Pasta”

  1. Batiuk has fallen prey to the same illness that over-came Lynn Johnston: the belief that without endless, needless exposition, the idiots who read the strip aren’t smart enough to understand what’s going on. This is also why she littered a panel of Elly sweeping the floor with ‘SWEEP-SWEEP-SWEEP!’
    She didn’t trust the audience to know that the woman was sweeping a back porch like her life depended on it.

    1. They also share the disease of needing to turn their comic strips into blatant, narrow wish fulfillment, full of detestable Mary Sues and strawman villains. And undid much of their once-good work in the process. And revealed their pathetic true selves to the world.

        1. Paul Jones, sir, with all due respect, your assertion is factually incorrect.

          “Who is more punchable: Anthony or Les” has been debated by philosophers, physicists, and theoreticians for centuries. It joins other conundrums and paradoxes such as “what would happen if an irresistible force met an immovable object” and “could God make a rock so heavy even He could not lift it?”

          Based on current science and our knowledge of the universe, it is not possible for anyone or anything to be more punchable that Les Moore’s smug, smirking, goateed, bespectacled face.

          1. I think Anthony “AWWH HAWWE NAHOO HAWWE” Caine is more loathsome than Les ever will be

          2. Remember that Anthony is young and young people are often melodramatic and full of themselves.

            Remember that Les is canonically 70 now, and it appears that age cannot wither, nor custom stale his infinite punchability.

          3. I guess it depends on what you find more punchable: pining for your dead wife #1 while married to living wife #2, or pining for first girlfriend while married to first wife and denying it the entire time.

          4. They are BOTH more punchable. Each is more punchable than the other.

            Thus the eternal paradox.

        2. Anthony infamously ran back into his burning home to save his terrible book manuscript.

          Les did the same thing… 9 years earlier.

          1. Wait, no, that was Michael. Anthony was like Les because the addition of facial hair made him more loathsome.

            Sorry, it’s been awhile since I read anything from the FOOBverse.

          2. That was Mike. He’s just as punchable as Les and Anthony. He embedded himself in his parents’ home and dislodged them because being a grown-ass man was too haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard.

  2. The difference is that you and your friend are taking the time to edit your work. Batty doesn’t feel the need to edit anything.

    It cannot be due to laziness as he is taking the time to bring FW into Crankshaft. Crankshaft is a legacy gag a day strip the could go on for years on fumes of the past a la Hi and Lois. Heck I’m surprised Batty’s son hasn’t taken the helm.

    I guess the only reason I still read the strip is to be there the day Les Moore makes his appearance.

    1. I doubt Tommy boy will ever let boy Tommy take over while he’s still alive. He’s too cocky and proud to let anyone touch his precious creations, he might even straight up end Crankshaft before he leaves this mortal coil to make sure no one else gets to write it.

      1. As far as I know, TB’s son has shown no interest in taking over the strip.

        Not every son wants to follow in his father’s footsteps. I very much didn’t. Turned out my younger brother was a much better suited for that. He liked the area and the work, so he stayed there. I went elsewhere and did other things in life.

        1. I did not follow in my father’s footsteps either, and he didn’t want me to anyways.

          Legacy strips seem to stay in the family. I remember when Chip Sansom took over for his father. Chip played bass in a local band and I would see him often. I think he took over in the late 1980’s.

          But it is clear Batty intends to take his strips to his grave.

      2. He literally and out of nowhere, killed the lead of a cancelled comic of his just so no one could do an extension. I’m sure no one remembers even that guy’s name. Or wouldn’t, if he’d shut the heck up about him.

        (checks watch) Well, my last 2 comments took 36 hours in the chute before magically appearing in time for no one to read them, let’s see how long this one takes.

        1. This was the stupidest own-goal in the history of stupid own-goals. He doesn’t realize it and never will but people react in the negative to a man who’d do something that petty and self-serving.

        2. Yeah no reason for any of that nonsense. Obviously it backfired on him. The syndicate could have easily refused to publish those strips, fire him, and then hire someone else. I think the syndicate knew John Darling had run its course and there was no point in fighting to save it.

        3. John Darling could be resurrected the same way Phil Holt was, if anyone wanted him back. But no one does.

          #teamplantman

  3. Off-topic: I never knew what “Skibidi Toilet” actually was until this post inspired me to look it up.

    1. I had no idea what it was until I caught my gas station coworker’s seven year old son watching it in rapt fascination.

      Noticing quality G-Mod/Source shitposting when I saw it, I binged the whole currently hourlong series in one night.

      Who’da thunk a webseries made out of cobbled together 20-30 year old video game assets wordlessly depicting an escalating war between singing monster toilets and appliance-headed robots would have better cinematography, creativity, and storytelling than 80% of current Disney products?

      The only thing that baffles me is the people watching this and going, “What the heck! Generation Alpha so weird?!?” If you’d told me the series was made 10 years ago, I would have believed you. If you’d told me the series was made 25 years ago, I would probably have still believed you.

      If it was animated with 8 bit sprites, and you told me it was made 40 years ago, I would have still believed you. Has everyone forgotten, “A wizard has turned you into a whale?”

      1. Has everyone forgotten, “A wizard has turned you into a whale?”

        Frankly, yes, I had. But it’s nice to be reminded that Ryan North exists.

  4. CBH! Happy New Year!
    TB doesn’t trust his readers. Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko trusted their readers. They needed a lot of exposition. They used just enough. They believed their readers were smart enough to understand and fill in the blanks. With only 3 panels, how much exposition should we need? Apparently, TB thinks we need a lot.
    Today, I reached the big 70!
    1. CBH, the red velvet cake was delicious!
    2. Be Ware of Eve Hill, you remembered that I liked rubies and emeralds. Spectacular!
    3. Anonymous Sparrow, I started rewatching the 9th Doctor Who. His 3rd episode made me think of you. The Doctor meets Charles Dickens. They mentioned Dickens short story called “The Signalman”. I am listening to it on YouTube.
    Then I heard about a fellow named James Hard. He was the last surviving Union soldier. Lived from 1843 to 1953. I was born in 1953. Between him and me, we saw every president from John Tyler to Joe Biden. Every NFL game. Every World Series. We live in a very young country.

    2. Happy birthday SP!

      Fun John Tyler fact: he has a living grandchild. In 2023. No kidding. Look it up.

    3. Happy birthday, SP!

      You share your birthday with, among others, Jack Lord and Patti Smith.

      “The Signalman” turned up at least twice on old-time radio, on “Lights Out” and “Suspense.” Fine spooky listening in both instances, but I think I’d give the edge to “Lights Out.”

      Various incarnations of the Doctor have met Vincent van Gogh and H.G. Wells, so I guess it makes sense that he’d meet Dickens as well, perhaps to have a discussion about spontaneous human combustion.

      If anyone is counting…John Tyler, who had two wives, had the most children of a U.S. President (15), while William Henry Harrison had the most children of a U.S. President with a single wife (10).

      1. As always, you are a joy to read.
        Truman and Clinton had one child apiece. Buchanan, Madison, Jackson, Harding, and Washington adopted children, but no biological children. James Polk did not have biological or adopted children.
        Anonymous Sparrow: One more fact concerning James Ward. He met A. Lincoln. I met G. Ford. Between him and me, we met all of the automotive presidents.
        Happy New Year!

    4. Happy Birthday SP! Glad you liked the red velvet! I’m a sucker for a good moist cake!

      Seriously though, hope you had an AWESOME day!

        1. Homemade pizzas? You didn’t order from Montoni’s? Heretic! Did it at least have hot dogs and peas on it?

          1. 😂 You are a riot.
            1. My pizza has lots of sauce, cheese, pepperoni, hamburger, mushrooms, black olives, green peppers. If my wife bought a bigger crust, it would have jalapeños and pineapple also.
            2. I would only eat at Montoni’s, if I didn’t want to see 71.
            3. Wish Brian a Happy New Year 🎊🎆🎈 for me.

      1. If it was not a happy birthday, it is now. I am thankful for you, Mela. You seem so kind in your posts. Happy New Year!

      2. Mr. A:

        Does Allan Gurganus know this?

        Ah, well, his Lucy Marsden, if not the oldest living Confederate widow, was the one who told all.

        So you’re Mr. A? I’m reminded of what Jeanie Thomas said when she met the Avengers in Rutland some fifty years ago:

        “Which one of you is Mrs. Peel?”

        (Give me a cigar and I’ll tell you which one is Pink!)

        Seriously…do you have a companion known as The Question? Or a child named Rorschach?

        (Say, that reminds me: what would Rorschach have thought of Gary Oldman’s President Truman in “Oppenheimer”? I guess he’d probably approve of him putting Oppenheimer in his place about the use of the bomb…)

          1. This is why truth is stranger than fiction, even if you don’t see it with Rex Graine’s byline in *The Daily Crusader.*

            Then again, there was actually an Archie Goodwin other than the one who acted as leg man for Nero Wolfe, even if *Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine* didn’t believe it at first.

        1. I’m sorry you’re sick, but it would be fun if you’re feeling up to it. Brings out us lurkers who don’t comment often but appreciate those who do!

          1. Yikes, that previous comment did NOT end up where I intended, and I’m not skilled enough to delete it. I’m sorry CBH has covid, and if she isn’t feeling too punk, a Cranky awards would be fun.

            I find myself pondering the “Lisa dies” arc differently now, as a cancer survivor. Am I correct in remembering that when she found out her cancer had recurred, she chose not to have further treatment? If so, why? Was she told more chemo/radiation/etc. would be futile? It’s hard to imagine TB writing a character who wouldn’t fight for more time with her young child, but I know the minutiae of Act I and II storylines only when you all tell me 🙂

          2. LOL! Knew what you meant mrvy.

            Lisa was informed by her doctor that her chemo treatments after the fake out remission weren’t working and she had only months to live.

            This is, of course, the same doctor who messed her charts up meaning she went without chemo treatment for like six months.

    8. Happy belated birthday, SP!

      Rubies and emeralds? So that’s where my Christmas bonus went.
      🤔😉

      In the third grade, my teacher divided the class into groups and gave us a portrait of three or four U.S. Presidents. She asked us to pick our favorite president. The other students in my group hastily chose John Tyler to get it over with. When the teacher asked each group to explain their choice, she picked me to speak on behalf of our group. However, I was not interested in John Tyler and wanted a different president instead. So, when it was my turn to speak, I said, “Don’t ask me. I wanted Theodore Roosevelt.” Even today, whenever I see the name John Tyler, I think back to that incident in the third grade.

      1. If you’d closed your eyes and thrown a dart at a poster of all the presidents you probably would have hit a better one than John Tyler.

        1. Heard that.

          Aside from “Tippecanoe and Tyler too”, what’s his claim to fame? Succeeding William Henry Harrison, who didn’t have the sense to protect himself from the rain?

          Teddy Roosevelt is on Mount Rushmore, for crying out loud. I couldn’t convince the other students. They made a hasty choice and my pleas fell on deaf ears. They decided to shoot the breeze for the remaining time. That’s why I threw them under the bus.

          1. In fairness, Tyler was the first Vice President to assume the Presidency due to a vacancy in the office, although there was considerable controversy and disagreement at the time. The Constitution was vague as to whether the actual office of the Presidency is assumed by the VP, or merely the powers and duties, with the VP continuing to serve as VP with no President at all. But Tyler was adamant that he was, in fact, President, and that became the precedent, although political opponents would take to calling him “His Accidency”. (The Constitution wasn’t officially amended to explicitly state that the VP became President until 1967, despite a total of eight instances by that point of VPs assuming the Presidency. Also, before 1967, there was NO procedure to fill a vacancy in the Vice Presidency, resulting in 16 instances of Vice Presidential vacancies totaling over 37 years.) (Eight cases where the President died and VP became President, seven where the VP died, and one resignation.)

            I woulda picked Teddy, too, though.

            (As to Harrison not having the sense to protect himself from the rain… that’s a bit of an open question. The common belief is that he contracted pneumonia because he didn’t wear a coat or hat during his inauguration speech, but that seems unlikely, as he didn’t show signs of pneumonia for three weeks after that. On the other hand, he DID get caught out in the rain, again without a coat or hat, a mere two days before he fell ill, so it IS possible that’s what caused it. But there’s also the theory that he actually contracted typhoid due to the White House water supply being downstream from the public sewage, so Harrison not taking proper precautions from the cold may not have been what killed him at all. Then there are the accounts of a mysterious figure entering the White House holding what appeared to be a mop and a box with the word “Montoni’s” written on it, but I haven’t found too much corroborating evidence on that.) (Mostly because I just made it up.)

          2. ComicBookHarriet & Be Ware of Eve Hill
            You made me study today. Happy New Year’s Eve to me. Here is what I gleaned on John Tyler:
            1. In 1812 Tyler forms a militia to fight the attacking British. The attack never comes. Tyler is rewarded with a land grant that later becomes Sioux City Iowa. CBH is one degree of separation away from being Tyler’s descendant.
            2. Gives the funeral address for Jefferson
            3. Chosen as running mate for “Tippecanoe” Harrison. He was famous for defeating a massive Indian confederation led by Tecumseh, one of America’s great leaders. But Tecumseh was not at the battle. His brother, while a decent prophet was a horrible military leader.
            4. Upon Harrison’s death, Tyler is sworn in as President, not acting President.
            5. Improves relations with China.
            6. Begins USA involvement in Hawaii.
            7. Paves the road to admitting Texas to the Union. This is his biggest accomplishment.
            8. His property is legitimately haunted.
            You all will be tested later.

      2. 1. Love the BWOEH.
        2. To quote you, “Mr. Bwoeh is the luckiest man on the face of the Earth!” So true!
        3. “Don’t ask me. I wanted Theodore Roosevelt.” When I vote in the upcoming election for president, that is what I will write in!
        ♥️💖❤️🫂🌺💐🌹

        1. SP:

          A historian* recalls his father’s comments on the election of 1912, in which Theodore Roosevelt tried for his second non-consecutive term (because he said in 1904 that he wasn’t going to run again):

          “Vote for Roosevelt, hope for Taft, expect Wilson.”

          Alan Furst in one of his fine spy novels** describes a Polish variant in the wake of the outbreak of World War II:

          “The optimists are learning English, the pessimists are learning German, the realists are learning Russian.”

          *
          Henry Steele Commager, I believe, but I’m not completely certain — Dunce Cap Donning Anonymous Sparrow

          **
          *The Polish Officer,* SOSFers — Dotting I’s and Crossing T’s AS.

      3. Here’s what Theodore Roosevelt thought of John Tyler:

        “He has been called a mediocre man; but this is unwarranted flattery. He was a politician of monumental littleness.”

        I wonder whether Roosevelt thought more kindly of him when he considered that he too became President upon the death of a President (and gloated that he became the first accidental President to win a term in his own right).

        Tyler died the same year (1862) as Martin Van Buren. As this was during the Civil War and Tyler had gone over to the Confederacy, he did not receive an epic funeral. Van Buren’s death came after Tyler’s, and the Union more than made up for that. (See Margaret Leech’s *Reveille in Washington.*)

        Other stuff to file away for game-show watching:

        Two Presidents died on the same day in the same year (John Adams and Thomas Jefferson on July 4, 1826).

        Like Tyler and Van Buren in 1862, Benjamin Harrison and William McKinley both died in 1901.

        Only one President was born on the Fourth of July (Calvin Coolidge in 1872).

        Two consecutive episodes of “University Challenge” had questions about Coolidge. I’m not sure why: 2022 would have been his sesquicentennial, not 2023.

        1. Regarding Adams and Jefferson dying on July 4th:
          I recall reading as a kid that as Adams was on his death bed he said something along the lines of “Is it the 4th? Thomas Jefferson still survives-Independence forever!”-not knowing that Jefferson had died only a few hours earlier.

  5. I’d imagine that if Skibidi Toilet ever enters the Funkyverse/Batiukverse, the Skibidi toilet would immediately flee

  6. Drake:

    This is the rest of the quotation from *Antony and Cleopatra* (take it away, Enobarbus):

    Other women cloy
    The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry
    Where most she satisfies; for vilest things
    Become themselves in her, that the holy priests
    Bless her when she is riggish.

    “Riggish,” as Samuel Rosenberg defined it in a footnote in *Naked Is the Best Disguise,* means “horny.”

    Not an aspect of Les Moore I wish to see, as opposed to Nate Harris talking about inalienable rights with Amy.

  8. The final Crankfunk of 2023 plays out with a final day on the “rousing success” of Montoni’s reopening weekend (or the honeymoon period). Though the colorist for Sunday remembers that the Montoni’s uniform is a red apron, we’re once again left with just these two losers with the distinct impression that their revival of the restaurant is a two-person operation.

    Another anecdote of comparison with the real-life counterpart of Montoni’s: ol’ Luigi’s in Akron, OH has maintained its local cred to regularly get full-house business throughout the week, and in accommodating this the location has three large rooms for dining (One of them has a big ol’ flying contraction hanging from the ceiling that looks straight out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. How did a Funky analogue of that never show up at the auction?!). At one time Batiuk and Ayers acknowledged this with Montoni’s having a similar layout, which was prominently featured in a 2000s storyline of the Westview HS art teacher painting murals for most of the interior wallspace (another feature emulated from Luigi’s). However, just as colorists and the strip’s various artists alike have forgotten or just stopped bothering with said murals, the other rooms are a ghost space that is all but nonexistent, the only extra dining being the occasional appearance of outside tables (which as far as I’m aware Luigi’s does not practice or service).

    Luigi’s in real life has so much business and floor space combined that a large service staff is all but necessary to keep things going (not even a “Five Guys” operation). Meanwhile we’re left to assume or accept in the “modern” limited perception of Montoni’s that its one-room space that essentially makes the place look like a small pizza-themed diner with delivery and coffee is, even on the busiest days, now easily handled by one person juggling orders and seating and another working on all the pizzas in the back? And have they really truly nailed the “magic” of the Montoni’s pizza that’s worth being mailed out to California?

      2. I’ve always wondered: Is the Green Pitcher based on an actual Green Pitcher in Luigi’s? Presumably a 1970s vintage avocado green Rubbermaid pitcher?

  9. Happy 70th, SP! Sounds like you’re off to a great start for the next decade.

    And happy new year to all. Enjoy Waltz Day, as I think of it — 123123. (12/31/23). May we all waltz into a healthy, prosperous, and peaceful 2024.

    1. Thank you, Drake of Life! I will save the Last Waltz for you. I get very nostalgic for the Duck of Death. That avatar is missed, but we have you.

  10. Oi, just a little informal poll here in the comments. Any interest in Cranky Awards for 2023? I caught Covid, so I got time.

    1. Oh, HELLZ to the yes! I hate that you have Covid, but I would selfishly love a Cranky Awards. If anyone could whip up a nourishing treat from the thin gruel Batty’s served this year, it would be our estimable CBH.

    2. If you must. Gotta post something, I suppose. Despite my personal revulsion re: all things Crankshaft, I’d be OK with it. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it funny, so there is that!

    3. Best Character Arc of 2023: Les Moore, for remaining offstage for the entire year. Keep up the fabulous work, Les!

    4. Oh, that is a firm yes for the Cranky Awards.
      It is too bad that character Crankshaft cannot win an award in his own strip because he has failed to appear in his own strip.
      JJ O’Malley should win an honorary award for leading the defense against the anti-snarkers over on that other website.

    5. Hope you feel better soon CBH, the Covid is making its rounds in NE Ohio.

      The Crankies would be great! And thank you for honoring my original request for the Funkies!

    6. Oh, noes! Sorry to see you have contracted Covid. The fact that you want to work through it hopefully means it’s a mild case and you’re just quarantined.

      Count me in. I would love to see the Cranky Awards!

    8. Aw, sorry to hear about the Covid. Hope you get better soon!

      But… yes to the Cranky Awards! (Though thankfully we won’t have to decide which Les panel has the most punchable face. A whole year Lesless, who’d have believed it?)

    9. yes

      i’d want a category that is “The Worst Thing Ed Crankshaft has Done This Year (In This Strip’s Universe)”

    10. Oh, no, Covid—what a bad way to end the year. But, yes, please lease the Medina Veterans Hall for this year’s Crankies.
      Happy New Year to everyone who is part of SOSF

    12. I hope you and your household are all healthy soon! Rest up! Would love some Cranky awards but only if you are up for it.

  11. Interesting look at the 2010 comics, CBH, demonstrating once again that Batiuk cannot grasp the medium he’s writing for. Of course, the original ‘silent’ version is completely unnecessary padding … but yes, the endless narration of the completely unnecessary padding is definitely what Batiuk would do today. You’ve captured this perfectly!

    As for the Lynn Johnston vs. Batiuk debate: my take is that Johnston at her absolute worst is not as bad as Batiuk at his most mediocre. Lynn Johnston never spent a week having a character open a letter.

    One can argue about which author created more hateful characters — but Batiuk created more of them, and managed to make his work simultaneously hateful, dull and uninteresting. That’s a very unusual hat trick …

    1. Every narrative art form is littered with hateful characters. Loathesome characters, even protagonists, are not an impediment to great storytelling.

      The impediment is the cognitive dissonance of having an author that adores the loathesome characters. The more punchable they are, the more praise other characters heap on them and the more wholly unearned victories they experience (only to whine and mope, and then be comforted by other far less fortunate characters).

      Batty seems to think Les’ passive-aggressive pouts are attractive and justified. I don’t remember enough about the latter years of FBoFW to know — did LJ clearly portray Anthony as a strong, manly stud, despite his childish antics?

      1. I wouldn’t say “manly stud”. But we were definitely supposed to think Anthony was the correct choice, after Liz’s obnoxious mother started bullying her into marrying him. Liz had better choices, and was living a better life, without him. We were supposed root for Anthony, even after he tried to leverage a rape attempt into a romantic opportunity, and abandoned his own child (which Therese didn’t even want) to do so. Even Les Moore never went that far.

        1. I’d think that if Les met Anthony, Anthony would mock Les because Lisa died of cancer, which would lead to a extremely furious Les beating the shit out of Anthony after Les tears him a new one about the fact Anthony forced Therese (who didn’t want any kids) to have their kid

          1. Q: In a battle to the death between Anthony and Les, who would win?

            A: ǝɹǝɥʍʎɹǝʌǝ sɹǝpɐǝɹ sɔıɯoƆ

        1. That’s a great article-I read it ages ago but I revisited it today and it defintiely still holds up. I generally liked FBOFW though. It was nice to watch the kids grow up though the strip and Lynn Johnston did wrap it up nicely at the end. But I preferred Elizabeth when she was away from home learning about other cultures, dating other guys, and just being a young woman figuring out the adult world. At the time, I related to it and was definitely rooting for her!

          Garrity’s essay breaks down the whole Anthony/Therese storyline brilliantly so I can’t add much, but if we were voting for FBOFW’s worst strip I would offer up the following. Shortly after Therese & Anthony split, & Therese sees her daughter with Elizabeth at the mall or some other public place. It’s awkward as hell, and if I’m remembering correcly, her daughter hugs her and it’s implicated that Therese is not going to see her anymore, or rarely at most. I remember that strip making me both angry and sad because a) it’s clear that even though she didn’t want to have a baby she still cares about her daughter and b) it confirms right there that Therese’s suspicions about Anthony still having feelings for Liz were spot on. What a lousy thing to do to someone-Therese didn’t deserve that.

          A joyous New Year to everyone and may 2024 be propserous for us all!

          1. This is a great example of what I call “self-destructive values.” Lynn Johnston was so hell-bent on Liz having a traditional marriage that she destroyed a traditional marriage to give her one. Resulting in a net gain of 0 traditional marriages, and -1 two-parent childhoods.

            This problem permates all sides of the political spectrum. People are so far up their own ass with their “values” they don’t even notice or care when they’re destructive to their own cause.

            In 2024, America needs less values.

          2. Yes as i said i’m more sympathetic to that approach now. (am i getting old? Impossible!) I had long expected the Funky endgame to be Summer graduates college, Summer gets married, or Summer has a baby. Those are like, relatable human activities that would bring it all back. Instead we got… well you know.

      3. The problem isn’t that he adores his hateful characters. Many actors and writers adore their most hateful creations, on some level. Villains, and otherwise awful people, are often the most compelling characters in fiction.

        Batiuk’s problem is that he doesn’t realize his characters are hateful. And he unfailingly portrays them as the beknighted golden child of the story, no matter how appalling and unjustified their behavior is.

    2. I think Batty is worse than Johnston easily. I didn’t care for some of her dramatic stories, but I was less offended by them than Batty’s contrived misery.

      Lynn was bitter at the end due to her divorce, but she never made the excuse of “ it’s called writing”. And at least she ended her strip well and provided a back story to wrap things up. She also has a better website.

      I’m no great fan of hers as she, along with Batty, did so much to bring misery to the comics page daily.

      If I were able to pick someone to have coffee with and discuss comics it would be Chuck Ayers, man that dude has to have some great stories about Batty!

      1. Lynn was bitter at the end due to her divorce, but she never made the excuse of “it’s called writing”.

        Yup, she flat-out admitted that she gave her characters the things that she wanted she and her own family to have in real life. There was wish fulfillment going on, but at least she knew it.

        She also ended the strip on her own terms (as opposed to being forced to shut down by the syndicate), and worked towards a coherent, satisfying ending. You may not have always agreed with Johnston’s choices, or her attitudes, or what she held up as laudable behaviour … but she wasn’t lazy, and she was clearly working hard to tell stories that worked in three or four panels and in larger arcs that took weeks.

        At least as a partial consequence, FBOFW is still in reruns in some papers to this day. FW never, ever will be.

        1. I think the Johnston/Bats argument comes down to one thing. ANY mid-tier comics creator would be over the damn Moon by being nominated for a Pulitzer. I doubt she ever was. But has she spent two whole decades whining about not being nominated? To the point where her in-strip avatar…wins a proxy Oscar she gave them? (Mike Foob just got their old house)

          I regret to invoke the name again, but I was an alpha tester for Daveykins fanfic. He got better, and realized he was a jerk back then. This revelation will never occur to Tommykins Batuirman. He will always be this odd old man, still bitter over what anyone else would consider was their career’s highest accolade. Imagine if he had won it. Today, he’d be angry he didn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize, and be elected President of Earth.
          WHAT…IF?: Bats Won That Pulitzer?
          Sorry, Uatu the Watcher, even Captain Carter couldn’t fix that timeline.

          1. Lynn Johnston was, in fact, nominated for a Pulitzer in 1994, after the story arc about Lawrence’s coming out.

          2. Lynn Johnston was, in fact, nominated for a Pulitzer in 1994

            (waves hands) Yeah sure whatever. I didn’t hear this before! It’s almost as if she HASN’T spend 30 years whining about not getting–

            Wait, what? Adults can…NOT…waste decades over that? Y Knott, I deny your reality and give myself a gross pizza! (EATS IT, pretends it’s good, with Mopey yelling as I run to the toilets “NO, those are MUSHROOMS, not black mold!” MIDNAY: “Oh no, he rammed into the health inspector coming out!”)

  12. Happy New Year, everyone. Even Tom’s giving us a holiday: the Montoni’s reopening saga doesn’t even last 3 weeks, so now we’re left with the normal Crankshaft antics of “hanging out with Lillian talking about birds”. Even the colorist is taking it easy, ArcaMax didn’t get the colors today, unlike GoComics.

  13. Today’s Crankshit (01/01/2024)

    Lil The Lizard: I know the name of every bird in the norther-

    Crank: Shut the fuck up, Lil, or else I’ll tell everyone that you’re a monster who ruined her sister’s life without a drop of remorse.

  14. Happy New Year everyone!

    Just a reminder, you can now find The Lockhorns at GoComics. The feature still appears on GoComics today, but who knows how long that will continue. I’ve added it to my GoComics favorites.
    👍

    1. Dadgummit! I meant to type “The feature still appears on THE COMICS KINGDOM today, but who knows how long that will continue.”

      Anybody else having trouble getting this website to load lately?

      1. Perhaps it was a WordPress issue? The Daily Trail and The Daily Cartoonist weren’t setting any speed records yesterday either. The Daily Cartoonist took so long to load, half the images failed to display.

        Anyhoo, things seem better now. As Emily Litella would say, “Nevermind.”

  15. I’m guessing we’re near a New Post Time, so few comments. But, given 1/2’s CS, I’m pretty sure we all have more than one story about raccoons. SO ADORBS! Here’s one of mine:
    “Raccoons are super cute! Until you hear the scraping claws going up the walls of the brick building you live in, and then they’re in your attic. Then they’re less cute. Especially when you hear them TRYING TO DIG THROUGH THE CEILING into YOUR HOUSE. Just trust me on this.”
    That’s one story. I should point out that when I moved here in ’87, this brick slab still had Civil Defense Bomb Shelter signs on it. But you could hear the raccoons climbing the walls…Soviet A-Bombs, whatevs. Giant rodent-dog things? Yer on your own, pal.

  16. Today’s Crankerbean Winkshaft (01/02/2024)

    Crank: On the terms of racoons, one time I used a drone to drag a raccoon into the stratosphere and let it fall to it’s doom.

    Lillian: That was a squirrel you killed.

    Crank: I knew that.

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