While I’m undecking my own halls, and putting up with an endless series of Jeff smirks instead, thought I’d give you guys just a little arty stealy nonsense to tide you guys over. Happy Epiphany!
The Magic of the Holidays
94 thoughts on “The Magic of the Holidays”
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Son of Stuck Funky 
These art swipes are no nonsense to me. I’m waiting for the surely soon to come day when we catch Davis in a swipe of a swipe (of a swipe).
Meanwhile, Tom Batiuk has ruined the evening news for me…
It says a lot about Tom Batiuk that he can make a sexy space babe off-putting and annoying.
Seriously, this is what BTS is annoyed by:
IMO, far and away the best of the covers he commissioned (and done by the best artist he commissioned). Adams was not only a superb artist, he really had a dynamic sense of layout. Some of the covers Puffy commissioned had really a really static, boring layout with no sense of action or movement (looking at you, Elementals). The placement of the word balloon is awkward (which makes me wonder whether Puff Batty put it there himself), but otherwise: This is a really good one.
I think the whole thing is an incoherent mess. Adams is a good artist, but Batiuk’s fingerprints are all over it. I can’t make any sense out of it. Why does Jupiter’s head look like it was converted to the wrong aspect ratio? Why does her chest not match her body position? And what is happening around the other woman’s hand with the gun-thing? The characters look like they’re being sucked into a black hole that’s merging them – but a laser gun is firing, which would expel force in the other direction!
Despite all this, it’s still the best comic book cover by far. At least it’s trying. The rest of them are just characters standing around doing nothing.
It goes without saying that anything Adams did by himself, or with a capable collaborator, beats this by a country mile. However, he was probably given some direction or a sketch showing that the characters had to be tangled together, and then with the word balloon obscuring part of the tangle, it becomes hard to parse. But it does work if you look at it, and the characters have expressions and personalities, and by god, they’re doing something.
The whole idea is dumb, really. “In the Clutches of Queen Morphine!” Okay, but no one’s in anyone’s clutches; they’re having a catfight. What makes Sue Randomblonde “Queen Morphine”? She’s got horns, but why? Where does the “morphine” part come in? Does she have some kind of power to induce sleep? To poison people? To invoke nightmares?
As far as we can see, “Queen Morphine” is just a woman in a sexy space-suit. What a letdown. Again, Adams’ work proves that he was capable of creating and designing compelling comic book characters. Batiuk’s work proves that he… uh, isn’t.
2 questions. What is with Queen “Morphine?” An odd name for a “family” strip.
And, is that supposed to be Cindy fighting Jupiter Moon?
Good thing it’s set in space. With gravity, I doubt Jupiter could walk under the weight of her twin moons.
Haha, I mean, ultimately I’m annoyed at myself that I’ve become engrossed in the Batiukverse that I’m thinking of Funky Winkerbean ephemera when the typically dour evening news has something positive and cool to report on the second or third most famous moon in the solar system. Is it really my fault, though… or is TB’s Batom Comics fantasy world such an affront to existence that prolonged exposure to it has rendered me incapable of avoiding such triggers? It’s the latter. Definitely the latter.
is TB’s Batom Comics fantasy world such an affront to existence that prolonged exposure to it has rendered me incapable of avoiding such triggers?
This is really the central question we explore here at SoSF. Most people find the Funkyverse ignorable, or mildly annoying at worst. Why do we find it so appalling? I can’t even put it into a sentence, but there’s something grossly offensive at the core of it all.
It is fueled by performative grief, while being indifferent to actual human suffering.
It fights over things that don’t matter to anyone but the author (mostly comic books and his own ego), while ignoring true injustices.
It panders to progressivism, while being outright sexist and bigoted in how it treats people. And using sexist/bigoted jokes, which Batiuk blames on the readers for “misinterpreting” him.
All the males are skeevy creeps with a bad case of “nice guy syndrome”, and all the women love this for some reason.
It enables horrible behavior by characters like Les and Funky, and criticizes others for the tiniest offenses against them.
Its intended “bad jokes” are no different than the jokes it expects you to laugh at.
It claims to be laser-focused on history and realism, but its continuity is an incoherent disaster. Any detail can be disregarded, and then restored a week later at the author’s whim. And it still claims to be laser-focused on history and realism.
It’s full of one-note straw villains, and obnoxious Mary Sues who get everything they want handed to them. Which is almost entirely media awards, and rare valuable comic books.
It puts its characters through endless misery, and puts zero thought into how it would actually affect them. Or the story magically removes their condition, without even bothering to cure them.
And worst of all: it is 100% serious. It’s not even unintentionally funny, or capable of a moment of introspection. This is how Tom Batiuk thinks the world should work. And if you don’t, you’re wrong. Utterly detestable. To steal from Roger Ebert: “I hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by this.”
Yes — brilliant summary as usual, BJr6K.
Naturally, I have a personal pet peeve to add.
Bats is a solipsist, in a way; he assumes everyone is exactly like him. This includes fictional characters like black women and Afghan warlords, and it also includes audience members.
This means that he is constantly riding his personal hobbyhorses without ever explaining why he cares about them or what they mean to him.
“Comics saved me.” From what? Oh, no need to tell us. We obviously know because we’re obviously all supposed to be part of Batty’s Borg hive-mind.
Newspapers are better than the internet! Why? See explanation above.
“The Phantom Empire” is the greatest film ever made and everyone who sees it becomes obsessed with it. Why? See exp. above. The internet is bad! Why? S.e.a.
Imagine if, on Sunday, he had skipped the execrable failed parody of “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll,” and instead had Jeff talk about why he likes newspapers. “There’s something about that feeling of opening a paper and just seeing all that information laid out hierarchically, physically in front of you — it’s comforting. And crossword puzzles aren’t the same when they’re not pen-on-newsprint. The smell of the ink, the crinkle of the pages… I just love how newspapers feel. It’s more than just reading, just taking in information. It’s a whole ritual, an experience.”
You might not agree, but you’d understand. And it would be hard to hate on a strip like that.
We will never see such a strip, ever. He will never tell us what his touchstones and obsessions actually mean to him. So they consistently leave us cold and annoyed.
When they said they made Montoni’s look EXACTLY like it did before, they really weren’t kidding.
Watching Tom Batiuk destroy Montoni’s was like watching Linus try to quit his security blanket. Except Linus has way more integrity than Batiuk. He closed it very unconvincingly, never actually got rid of it, and then made a giant incoherent shitshow out of restoring it.
I am still puzzled by why he tried to get rid of Montoni’s in the first place. Even using Batiuk-logic, it didn’t make any sense. Sure, he likes tragedies, but this wasn’t a tragedy; Funky didn’t seem to care much one way or the other, and as far as we were shown, neither did any other employee. There were effectively no repercussions.
Why not have Funky open a branch in Centerville if he wanted to move the action to Crankshaft’s home town?
I think it may have been you, BJr6K, who suggested that it was necessary to shut down Montoni’s in order for Summer to interview Funky so she could write… the book. You know, the book that sparks others to build on it to create a science of behavioral-patterned algorithms that will one day allow us to recognize humanity as our nation.
Why, though? Why couldn’t she have interviewed her mom and dad’s close friend without Montoni’s going out of business?
I don’t think I ever suggested that. The closure of Montoni’s happened during one of my (as it turned out, two) shifts as lead commenter at SoSF, and my immediate
reaction was to question if Batiuk was serious about it. To this day, I still don’t know. The whole thing makes zero sense.
I agree with you that the closure of Montoni’s was irrelevant to the Summer-Time Mop-redefining the human race arc. Maybe Batiuk thought Montoni’s needed to close, in that bizarre thought process of his?
Sorry to misattribute the theory — I really don’t remember whose it was. It’s true the theory doesn’t really explain what happened, but neither does any other theory I can think of.
Whatever TB’s reason was for doing this, I doubt it makes any sense at all.
Someone brave could write and ask, but we’d likely get an answer informing us that “it’s called writing,” or “author’s privilege” or “TimeMop handwavy wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff. Excelsior!”
The reason: it occurred to Tom Batiuk.
That’s it. Don’t overthink this. That’s literally it.
C’mon, you have years and years of proof that there is no cohesive overarching plan, no subtle layering, no thinking through of anything Tom Batiuk writes anymore. Whatever happens to distract Tom’s limited attention right now — a news report mentions a restaurant is closing, there’s an old house on a hill he decides to check out, the OMEA invites him to a conference — that’s what you’re gonna get.
If a vaguely remembered detail from a previous comic flits through his mind? You’ll get that.
If the comic he wrote yesterday is flitting through his mind? You’ll get that … again.
If someone tries to sell him life insurance? You’ll get that … for a week.
The gears can still turn, but the sprockets have worn away. All the machine can produce now is a wheezy hum and a bitter acrid smell, before spewing out something that’s half-pulped, half-burnt … and entirely useless.
@The Drake of Life
Tom Batiuk, or possibly someone else, does answer messages entered on the ‘Contact’ page on TomBatiuk.com.
Back in early December, I asked…
The response?
I’m not sure if buttering up him was necessary for the response, but didn’t think it would hurt. I’m a little disappointed he ignored my second question, but not really that surprised.
I’ll ask the Montoni’s question if nobody else will. What’s the worst that can happen? He won’t respond?
When you’re ending a long running comic strip, it kind of makes sense to close the pizza restaurant that has been a social hub throughout the life of the strip as a form of closure. The problem is that he did it in the most ham handed way possible. Why not just have Funky decide to retire and move to Florida as the reason for closing, instead of making up this nonsense about financial difficulties and thin-crust profit margins (was it done just so he could use that horrible pun?). It could have worked if he had the grand finale of the strip happen with the equipment auction and a final farewell party on closing night of the restaurant, but instead he had to do the ending with some nonsensical Dinkle musical extravaganza at St Spires during a blizzard. Seriously, there’s no logical reason on earth why any of these people would be so interested in bad church music that they would brave the storm of the century to attend. Even that ending could be borderline acceptable, but then he had to introduce the timemop and Summer saves the world, with some half-assed b-movie science fiction ending with the cherry on top being the final shameless plug for his awful Lisa’s Story book. I get enraged every time I think about the final two months of the strip, and to picture TB running the bases in his mind after sending in that final strip.
What really grinds my gears is his bragging about how this was a “rather elegant solution.”
Yes, Lisas Kampf, TimeMop, Dinkle’s Messiah — the ending of FW was as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess.
there’s no logical reason on earth why any of these people would be so interested in bad church music
Especially the Muslims.
What really grinds my gears is his bragging about how this was a “rather elegant solution.”
It was A Wizard Did It. Except that Batiuk acts like he invented A Wizard Did It. And it’s the greatest plot twist in history.
It’s obvious Batiuk had zero input on this decision. Meaning, even the syndicate editors didn’t care how he ended it. Nor did he run this idea by any of his (very few) friends. Any of which would have told him it was hacky as hell, and undermined his life’s work. No really, a time-traveling school janitor has been managing everything behind the scenes! Especially the rape and cancer!
He didn’t need to wrap up a damn thing, as we discussed at the time, using the final Calvin & Hobbes as a comparison.
These were supposed to be realistic characters living realistic lives. Well, for us real people… life goes on.
He could have ended on a typical Westview scene, and it would have been moving and elegiac. But he thought it would be grander and more writerly to go all Götterdammerung. And then he half-assed it, and ended up with a stinking turd of a sort-of ending that oozed into Centerville like a sewage spill.
There was nothing to wrap up! After Bull died, there were no more ongoing stories. The only thing that called for a resolution was for Les to FINALLY get over the death of his wife 25 years earlier. Lord knows we didn’t get that. But since he went to the trouble of shuttering Montoni’s, that begged a resolution, since it affected many characters. Like Dinkle’s deafness, it was ignored, and restored to the status quo once Batiuk realized he couldn’t function without it.
Y. Knott: Whatever happens to distract Tom’s limited attention right now
I only follow Mary Worth via CC, but you just know the writer’s grandkid said after they ate delicious burgers, “That was an Impossible Burger! Ha ha, I thought you hated vegan food!”
Writer: “ALL VEGANS ARE LIARS HULK SMAAAASH! in a comic no one reads unironically.”
You can tell when “Guess the Dustin cartoonist got a traffic ticket 3 weeks ago.”
Including, soon, the absence of customers.
..and, the lack of customers causing no difficulties for the owners. In fact, it’s even better, so Pete can focus on comic books in his spare time!
GL:
In the 1980s, I worked on the the renovation of Carnegie Hall. Its boast was “we’re making it as good as old.”
Take it away, Alice and Red Queen:
“Well, in our country,” said Alice, still panting a little, “you’d generally get to somewhere else—if you run very fast for a long time, as we’ve been doing.”
“A slow sort of country!” said the Queen. “Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”
Alice once had a lobster at Dinn, but never ate pizza as far as I know. (Her creator went to Russia, so he may have had caviar with blinis.)
Something spooky!
This morning I began reading *The Dark Hours,* a Michael Connelly mystery featuring Harry Bosch and Renee Ballard.
Renee is a cop dealing with New Year’s Eve situations in Los Angeles. She’s partnered with an officer she doesn’t like very much, who’s content to do the minimum and not all that much of that.
What is the partner’s name?
Lisa Moore.
The indicia on my copy says it’s a first edition from November 2021.
Pretty scary, boys and girls, to say nothing of Count Floyd and Dr. Tongue (with Bruno, and, preferably, in 3-D).
Today’s Funky Crankerbean (01/06/2024)
Lillian: Pam, I need your help. Since when was your senile fatass of a father ever interested in science fiction?
Pam: Wait, what did you say? I didn’t understand you.
(Timemop shows up)
Harley Davidson The Time Traveling Janitor: And you never will.
(Timemop decapitates Lillian and walks into the bathroom and jams Lillian’s corpse in it)
I didn’t say “Crankshaft is reading science fiction”; I said “Crankshaft is reading? Science fiction!!”
As always, punctuation is everything.
Don’t like that one? OK, how about this:
Crankshaft is like a party where you don’t have to wait for the person ahead of you to fill their glass with a hopefully-spiked fruit beverage. In other words, there’s no punch line.
Hey, I turned 70 today. I’m entitled to do dad jokes.
Happy Big 7-0, Hannibal’s Lectern, and many happy returns! 🎉🍾🥳
Happy birthday, Hannibal’s Lectern!
Tell all the Dad jokes you want.
Happy birthday!
Happy belated birthday!
Thank You CBH for keeping the Funkeyverse Alive for Me !!!
The most annoying part of all of this is, as I’ve said before, how unnecessary closing Montoni’s was in the first place. The only ‘reason’ I can see for it is to piss all over Funky be being the wrong reason the strip doesn’t do well.
The name “Funky Winkerbean” is stupid, sure. But it’s of its era and it fit Act I quite well.
“The Beatles” is just about the most cringeworthy thing you could name a band, but today that name is revered. “Peanuts”? What the hell does that mean? There aren’t any peanuts in the strip — but it’s considered one of the greatest of all time.
If Batiuk does indeed think the name of his strip held him back, he’s ignoring all the evidence that names themselves mean nothing; they take on the shine, or tarnish, of what they represent.
Schulz is on record as saying he never liked the name “Peanuts”, and eventually convinced the syndicate into append “featuring good ol’ Charlie Brown” at the end. Of course, the name had no negative impact on the strip’s success, and Schulz didn’t pout for years about it.
What’s especially galling about it all is that Batiuk had the right idea at the end of Act I. He kept all the punny names like Les Moore, Jack Stropp, etc. He shifted into heavy drama, and completely ignored that it was happening to a far less funny Tarquin Fin-Tim-Lim-Jim-Bum Bus Stop Ole Ftang Ftang Biscuitbarrel. Which was actually the right thing to do! People get used to odd names, like Boutros Boutros Ghali or Darryl Strawberry. After awhile you don’t notice the strangeness anymore. They blend into the background. Batiuk had a chance to rename/reinvent his characters if he wanted to. He didn’t. So complaining about it now is spectacularly disingenuous.
It would have been a snap to change the names of main characters to better suit the serious tone. Funky reveals that his real name is Frank, or Fred, or Jonathan. A week is devoted to explaining how he got his silly nickname, and how he now wants to be called by his real name. Badabing. Probably could even have gotten a couple lines of press about it.
Name of strip remains the same, as with all legacy strips referencing characters or setups that were long ago left behind.
They probably told him that but, knowing him, he thought they were bullying him.
I own a collection of strips from the “Zits” comic, and on the back cover is a quote from Charles Schulz: “Zits” is the worst name for a comic strip since “Peanuts.”
I’m not sure how much control the artists have over strip names. I spent a year or so reading a strip about a little girl and a unicorn on GC, under the title “Heavenly Nostrils.” When GC formally started distributing the strip to newspapers, it got the much less interesting (but more descriptive) name “Phoebe and Her Unicorn.” Apparently a condition of syndication.
Which means somebody at a syndicate approved the name “Funky Winkerbean.” Of course, if the alternative was really “Three O’Clock High,” I can see why.
Actually, Charles Schulz did pout for years over the name Peanuts. In a 1987 interview reprinted in The Complete Peanuts: 1950 to 1952, Schulz said:
“I had to overcome the fact that I was drawing a space-saving strip under the title Peanuts, which was the worst title ever thought up for a comic strip. It’s totally ridiculous, has no meaning, is simply confusing, and has no dignity — and I think my humor has dignity. Those are two things that have hung over me and I’ve resented my whole career.”
Interviewer Rick Marschall: “Thirty-seven years hasn’t softened that?”
Schulz: “No, no. I hold a grudge, boy. … [T]o lable then something that was going to be life’s work with a name like ‘Peanuts’ was really insulting. … I never mention [the name]. If someone asks me what I do, I always say, ‘I draw that comic strip with Snoopy in it, Charlie Brown and his dog.'”
Like “Li’l Ones” would be better than “Peanuts”.
All the true greats–Trudeau, Larson, Watterson–credit it for their inspiration, most saying because it put real adult problems on the funny pages. I’m pretty Schulz didn’t say in his pitch “And one of the children is a psychologist who charges a nickel!” Syndicate: “So…you want it to be called ‘Li’l Ones with Mental Illness’?”
Sparky: “My stomach hurts!”
Gary Larson, meanwhile, was a peach about the syndicate re-naming Nature’s Way as The Far Side. Larson quotes himself in his own 10th anniversary book that he was so happy to be syndicated (Nature’s Way had originally appeared only in The Seattle Times) that “they could have called it Revenge of the Zucchini People, for all I cared.”
That should say “label” instead of “lable”; the book I was quoting from had the spelling correct.
He cannot admit this. Admitting it means that his bad decisions and lunatic misunderstandings are what make him less revered.
Your Grease:
According to John Lennon, “Beatles” came from the directive of a man on a flaming pie, who said “You are ‘the Beatles’ with an ‘A.'”
It’s hard to disregard such individuals, although after watching the original “Wicker Man,” I can hear Lord Summerisle’s conversation with Sgt. Howie:
Sergeant Howie: What religion can they possibly be learning jumping over bonfires?
Lord Summerisle: Parthenogenesis.
Sergeant Howie: What?
Lord Summerisle: Literally, as Miss Rose would doubtless say in her assiduous way, reproduction without sexual union.
Sergeant Howie: Oh, what is all this? I mean, you’ve got fake biology, fake religion… Sir, have these children never heard of Jesus?
Lord Summerisle: Himself the son of a virgin, impregnated, I believe, by a ghost…
Schulz’s strip prior to *Peanuts* was *Li’l Folks,* and he had hoped to use it for his later and more famous strip. Unfortunately, with *Li’l Abner* and something called *Little Folks* around, he couldn’t.
Joseph Heller would sympathize. He wanted to call his first novel *Catch-18,* but with Leon Uris’s *Mila 18* coming out the same year, he had to use another number…and he was devastated, as he thought 18 was it. From today’s perspective, 22 is so right that it’s hard to believe that Heller could have been so strong for 18. (Perhaps it came from his Jewish upbringing, as 18 is the number of life in Judaism. Vladek Spiegelman in *Maus* and Rabbi David Small in *Saturday the Rabbi Went Hungry* reflect on this.)
I understand that names have a certain magic, but it doesn’t go very far. A name, whether of a person or a band or a comic strip, is a kind of language logo.
Paul Rand, one of the greatest logo designers in history, had an answer to those who thought some of his logos were too abstract, and failed to represent the brand. He said that the logo does not impart meaning and significance to the brand; the brand imparts meaning and significance to the logo.
Think of the name and logo of a company like Apple. What on earth does an apple have to do with a computer? How could anyone associate an abstract picture of a half-eaten fruit with a company pushing the frontiers of technology? But they do.
Bitching about being saddled with a name is missing the larger point. It didn’t stop Schulz from being venerated, and it didn’t create the contempt many have for Batiuk.
Names exist to identify people and things. Once you get used to a name, that’s all it is. You stop noticing how silly some of them are. This was the center of Key and Peele’s “East West Bowl” skit. Especially later versions where actual NFL players (like Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix) took part. And their names fit right in with the ridiculous fictional ones.
One of my favorite skits of all time. As I write, my little Roomba is bustling around on my floor. His name? L’Carpetron Dookmarriott.
And may I add that not only does a silly name become “invisible” after a while, ordinary names become highly charged if the bearer is someone like Abraham Lincoln or Adolf Hitler.
To sum it up: Kwitcherbitchin, Batty, and take some responsibility for your own work. Take pride in the success you’ve had and examine where you might have failed, then try to do better in the future.
One of K&P’s fictional football stars went to my college. I’ve always wanted to get a jersey printed with his name, wear it to games, and act like he’s real. What, you don’t remember J’Dinklage Morgoone? Had a big catch against Wake Forest.
If you think the current Crankshafts are bad, just remember, February is OMEA time!
Today’s Funky Crankerbean (01/07/2024)
Pam: You know, Jeff, a simple “yes” could’ve been fine.
I thought up better song parodies when I was 12 and high on sugar.
Today Jeff is asked a leading question by Pam “My Sole Function Is Asking Leading Questions” Murdoch. She wants to know whether they need to keep all those newspaper subscriptions.
Jeff dances like Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” as he sings,
Just take those newspapers off the shelf
I sit and listen to ’em by myself
The internet don’t bring me no joy
I’m just an old-fashioned paperboy!
SO many questions.
— Why are newspapers on the shelf? Is he hoarding them? Doesn’t he read them and recycle them like everyone else?
— How does he listen to ’em? Is he on drugs? Does he suffer from schizophrenia or synesthesia?
— How does subscribing to multiple daily papers help dear Mother Gaia, already overburdened with Climate Damage? Huge, energy-guzzling printing plants; exhaust-spewing delivery trucks; toxic inks; dead trees; more exhaust-spewing trucks to cart the recyclables back to the energy-guzzling recycling plant — FOR SHAME, JEFF!! The Subterranean will stomp your planet-ravaging ASS if he finds out about your selfish Earth-råpe!
and finally,
— An “old-fashioned paperboy” is a person who delivers newspapers. Does Jeff now supplement his income with morning rounds? Poor fella. Retirement is tough for a lot of people, what with inflation. At least it gets him away from Pam Pam “My Sole Function Is Asking Leading Questions” Murdoch and Crankshaft.
So, the Murdoch household is filled to the brim with delivered newspapers, eh? Exactly whichprint editions are Jfff anf family subscribing to? The only local rag is the irregularly-distributed Centerville Sentinel, of which he and Pmm are seeming shareholders. What else would they get? The Akron Beacon Journal? Cleveland Plain Dealer? Wall Street Journal? USA Today? Grit, “America’s Family Newspaper”? I say the National Enquirer, because enquiring minds want to know!
Also, can we now declare a four-year moratorium on seeing Jfff wiggling his posterior?
Look, I’m just glad Jeff and TB are focused on paying homage to a movie from the 1980s–as opposed to the usual fanboying over a Gene Autry film from 1935. I can’t wait until 2031 when TB and Jeff start turning their attention to “Kindergarten Cop,” “Pretty Woman,” and other comedic gems from 1990. Relevancy!
When I moved into my neighborhood, virtually every house on my block got the NY Times delivered 7 days a week.
Now I virtually never see daily editions and only very rarely I’ll spot a Sunday Times.
My neighborhood is full of cranky old liberals with money, just like Tom. But they still don’t want the dead-tree edition. Because no one likes a pile of papers they just have to recycle at the end of the day; no one likes stepping out in public before they’ve had their morning coffee to retrieve a paper that half the time is wet; and no one likes news that’s already 12 hours old by the time they get it.
And there’s nothing like being able to enlarge type, change a font, change the colors or brightness, whatever you need to do to make it more legible.
I don’t know exactly what his fixation is with paper, especially for something as ephemeral as news. I guess he blames the decline of print for the decline of newspaper comics, when I suspect the two have little or nothing to do with each other.
He might better look in the mirror and blame himself — he’s always had contempt for newspaper comics, and like most other creators with a syndication sinecure, he’s dozed off at the wheel and simply stopped giving a damn.
My cousin had a holiday party and he had a stack of hardcover/paperbacks and I grabbed a copy of Stephen King’s 11/22/63. I lasted 2 days with a real book and ended up getting the Kindle edition from the library. So much easier.
I have a few boomer neighbors that get the paper. The delivery driver comes at 5am with his crappy car with the loud exhaust and music blaring. So annoying.
Apropos of nothing, I recall a series of promo cartoons Chester Gould did in the 1950s, when TV was the big bugaboo said to be turning people away from buying newspapers. In them Dick Tracy urged publishers and editors to promote the daily comics, something unique to the print media that TV didn’t have (I guess this was before those mediocre Tracy cartoons UPA made back in the early ’60s). Why Batiuk uses his strip, which a lot of people only read online, to push paper media is anyone’s guess.
Batiuk is the absolute worst kind of white knight. He defends things that don’t need or want his help; he doesn’t make a drop of sense; he’s remarkably phony; and he does it for self-serving reasons. He wants to be seen as the big hero who stood up for newspapers and women in comic books and “climate damage” and every other shiny bauble that caught his eye. And he wants awards and asspats for it. Awful, awful man.
Some of my earliest snarky comments at Comics Curmudgeon were directed at Batty’s painful “Why do they call them comics?” story arc. I ended up begging him to stop promoting comics, as he was only making the books, the creators and the fan look stupid.
Now he wants to promote newspapers? And this is how he chooses to do it?
Please don’t, Tom. If the industry is to die, let it be buried in hallowed ground.
That’s why it’s so dangerous to Save Our Sentinel!
Joke’s on Tom; while some of the newer generation associate that musical number with “Risky Business”, I associate it with a YouTube poop that lampoons Tom Cruise and thus imagine Jeff going through quite the bizarre adventure:
He’s stuck somewhere between matching the lyrics of the original, and changing them to fit the new purpose of the parody. But, as usual, he can’t commit to either, and ends up stuck in the middle with an incoherent mess.
This is what Weird Al Yankovic does well. His parodies are spot-on matches of the original, down to the last detail, except for the part that changes. Which is usually the lyrics. He loves to make a song be about something entirely different, usually with a very different tone. But he still manages to still match the rhythm of the piece, and mimics other little details in the new version of the song.
Weird Al uses *spreadsheets* to track his various ideas for lyrics and rhymes when he works on a song. That is true craftsmanship.
Got’ em all printed out on his bedsheets!
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Crankshaft: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
(nobody comes to help him)
Everyone is down the street at “Rex Morgan” standing over the injured Rene Belluso. Looks like Cranky picked a bad week to return to his own comic.
I’ve grown pretty fond of the latest incarnation of Rex Morgan. Its tongue is always firmly in its cheek, it moves along at a reasonable pace, and it doesn’t leave too many plotlines unresolved or unexplained. Plus, having Rene Belluso run down in front of a Mirakle Method seminar is fanservice on the level of having Wilbur tumble from a cruise ship.
Same here. It is similar to Mary Worth. Why can’t Batty lighten up a bit?
Rex Morgan and Mary Worth have the same basic problem as Crankshaft right now: too much focus on dull tertiary characters, doing tedious, overly narrow things.
The “Ollman Method” nonsense was straight out of Funky Winkerbean at its most comic book publishing-obsessed. Specifically, the week when Chester gave the valuable comic book rights to Ruby Lith for no clear reason. This old guy showed up, claimed he invented the Mirakle Method, and Rene Belluso… just let him have credit for it? And introduced him as part of his 7-hour presentation? It’s all so goddam boring. And Belluso himself is the most ineffectual villain since Dick Dastardly. Or at least the Trade Federation.
And the “veggie burgers” arc in MW is begging to be about Wilbur. People hate Wilbur, but Moy is failing Pro Wrestling 101: hated characters are just as good as loved characters. Spare me this redheaded ex-cop, whose name I don’t even remember, and his dippy junior college daughter who’d fit perfectly into Luann. And spare me their circa 1989 generational conflict.
In fact, pretty much every character in the newspaper comics acts at least 35 years older than they appear to be. The dad in Curtis hates rap, but he would have grown up with it, and during the first golden age of the genre. The kids in Zits remind me of kids I went to high school with in the late 1980s. The kids in strips like Hi and Lois are even worse; they’re basically 50s sitcom kids. If Pam was at Kent State during the shooting, she’s 73 now. Ed Crankshaft is, by my reckoning, at least 104. Walt Wallet in Gasoline Alley is a World War I veteran. And guess what that strip is oddly proud of? “The characters age realistically.” Ugh.
I don’t hate everything, I swear.
Well Moy sure loves dogs, and Stevie Wonder.
Cranky in panel #3: “Groan…call Amicus Breef!”
Amicus: There is no fuckin’ way I’m helpin’ ya, Ed Crankshaft!
(Amicus leaves Crankshaft to bleed to death)
Wow, judging by his comment on his blog, it seems as if even Tom Batiuk might recognize how very, very poor his most recently posted “John Darling” strip is!
No, wait … reading his comment again, I think he’s chastising the political system for not changing. Sorry. I thought I caught a flicker of Batiukian self-awareness there. Silly me!
Not funny, and betrays a 3rd-grade level of understanding of politics.
On the bright side, Noah Vale is one of his best name puns.
Considering the nasty state of politics in 2024, the joke seems downright old-fashioned. I would compare it to Pogo, but even an outdated Pogo joke would be way better than this. And it would be delivered in that strip’s appealing style. This was lazy when it was written, its revisiting is lazy, and Batiuk is too lazy to see how lazy it all is. He just types some meaningless word salad and clicks Post. In his second post called “John Darling Take 402” after he skipped Take 401. He elevates not giving a shit into an art form.
I think I just realized why TB loves newspapers and hates the internet.
I believe it boils down to three reasons.
1. Things Were Better In 1961, Full Stop.
2. Newspapers allowed centralized control of news and narratives. This is reassuring, because you know all right-thinking people will agree with you, and those who don’t are insane fringe lunatics who can be ignored.
3. The internet allows people to consume what they want and ignore what they don’t want. That means that comics are no longer bundled as part of a package. Used to be that if you subscribed to a paper that carried FW, you got FW whether you liked it or not, and you subsidized it too. But now people can choose what articles/comics to click on or share, and every click is tracked. Even mouse paths are tracked.
And it’s now very apparent which comics actually have ardent followings and which ones had just been hitching a ride on the tail of the rest of the newspaper’s offerings.
I don’t know whether he himself is honest enough to admit even to himself exactly why he loves dead-tree papers and hates the internet. Sadly, I’ve probably put more thought into this post than he ever gave the matter himself.
I honestly think the biggest one is:
3b. The internet gives his critics a place to meet, and discuss their dislike of this work. And it foments the discussion of other non-Tom Batiuk-approved viewpoints. He hates the internet because he can’t control it. And he can’t ignore it, as much as he acts like he can. He loves dead-tree newspapers, because they tend to reinforce the status quo. Which is something he’s benefited greatly from in life. He turned one comic strip that was good for 12 years into a 50+ year, multi-strip career.
I would certainly agree with this point. To complain about something in a newspaper requires writing and mailing a letter, which means there is a cost associated with it. And because space is limited in a newspaper, your letter may or may not be printed regardless of the quality of your argument.
Commenting on the internet on the other hand is pretty much cost free, there’s no real space limitation, and your thoughts are posted instantly without having to go through a gatekeeper.
Today’s Crankshaft is a perfect example of why “quarter inch from reality” is complete horseshit.
Lower body injuries, even simple household falls, can be devastating to seniors. Holly’s ankle injury during that stupid cheerleader show should have crippled her for life. And she was only about 68. Ed Crankshaft is at least 104 years old. And he took a hard fall.
But we all know he’s just going to smirk, stand up, walk away, and go right back to being an asshole. He’s got another 10 years to live, because we saw him in a vegetative state in FW, and Batiuk can’t go against the timeline (eyeroll).
The Funkyverse revels in inflicting random misery on people, but protects its most vile characters from the repercussions of their own actions. We just saw a story where Crankshaft LETS HIS FRIEND DIE because he’s trying to set the record for blocking traffic. And he constantly causes wasteful and destructive 911 calls. Now he’s lying on the sidewalk, implied to be helpless, and the strip is going to make a big show out of rescuing him. Any half-decent community would let him rot on the sidewalk.
Tom was able to milk 3 weeks out of a similar situation in 2011 with Rose in the CS strip:
https://www.gocomics.com/crankshaft/2011/02/14
3 weeks of this is better than 3 weeks of Mopey Pepe getting showered with gifts, at least. Meanwhile, it’ll be interesting to compare those strips to whatever comes here.
(By the way, the next week after that story ends is a week of Eugene silently walking over to Lucy’s grave. Nonstop fun in those times.)
Batiuk constantly flits between trivial setbacks that are treated as massive tragedies, and actual tragedies that are played for cheap laughs. And the determining factor seems to be who it happens to.
Crankshaft leaving his friend Pop Clutch to die so he could win a traffic jam-causing contest is one of the most appalling things I’ve ever heard. It’s something that would happen in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, to illustrate how fucked up it is. Les Moore whines for a week if somebody doesn’t worship his ego hard enough.
I just have to wonder what kind of man would write stories with such twisted priorities.
Great post [0]
Be Ware of Eve Hill!!!! I squealed like rubber duckey being chewed by a dachshund. You have got to check out GC Crankshaft on 2/19/2011!!! It’s like TB setting up BWOEH a softball to hit for a grand slam. It screams you.
LOL. Do you make a squeaky noise when folks give you a hug?
RE: Crankshaft 2/19/2011
I thought Ed was supposed to be the Centerville village idiot. That strip must have been before Batiuk decided to make Lillian his Crankshaftauthor avatar. She can do no wrong nowadays. Oh, how I hate her.
BWOEH,
1. At my age, I make all kinds of squeaky noises, not just for hugs. 😎
2. Hannibal’s Lectern also just turned 70. Why does it look so much better on him?🤔
3. That segment in 2011 had so many reasons to hate Lillian besides the slip on the ice. The very next arc had her sister’s former beau visiting her grave. I believe I heard you mention that Lillian ruined her sister’s relationship.
4. Why is it so hard for TB to write funny decent people? Schultz did it. Watterson did also. Same for Chic Young. Mr. Batiuk is incapable of doing so. It boggles my mind.
Unlike perpetually beautiful weather New Mexico, we had a winter storm in Kansas City. It was only 6 or 7 inches, but it was cold. 🥶 (31°) and dropping. Snow again on Friday. Then (-12°) over the weekend. Fortunately, I have a snow blower. Yes, you may borrow it.
7. If you have any update on Covid CBH, please pass it along. Inquiring minds.
8. LaDonna found the perfect time to go to Walmart. Today, during snowmaggedon. Only 50 cars in the entire parking lot. 🅿️
9. Adios mi amiga!
1. I have joints that pop, but haven’t encountered any squeaks yet. You know you’re getting old when you pick up your granddaughter, and let out a grunt or groan every time. At least I’m not as bad as Mr. bwoeh who grunts every time he gets up off the couch.
2. Where have you seen Hannibal’s Lectern? How do you know he looks better than you? Have you met, or are you just guessing?
3. The whole story arc where Lillian intercepted the letter was stupid. Why would Eugene accept Lucy’s non-answer as a “No” response? There was too much opportunity for error or misunderstanding. Wedding proposals need to be made face-to-face. It’s for a possible lifetime commitment, for crying out loud.
Still, Lillian preventing Lucy from receiving the letter is the action of a deplorable person. Lillian denied Lucy’s chance at happiness for her own selfish reasons. No matter how foolish Eugene and Lucy were, Lillian was an assh*le.
4. I think Batiuk lost his sense of humor when he made a deal with the Devil to become a serious writer. Perhaps it was one of those Monkey’s Paw wishes.
5. We don’t have any snow, but it’s cold. Our thermometer says 28 °F. Brrrrrrrr.
I miss KC, but I don’t miss the heavy snows and subzero temperatures. If we want snow and skiing, it’s just a few hours drive away. We have a snow shovel, but it doesn’t snow too much and our driveway isn’t very big.
6. Sorry. What was the question again?
7. Despite Covid, CBH is impressively soldiering on by posting this blog. I’m not sure whether I could. I’m horrible when I’m ill.
Mr. bwoeh: How are you doing, love? Can I get you anything? Tea? Soup?
Me: (groan) Leave the flowers and get out. I’m done for.
8. LOL. Women be shopping. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays a woman from attending a sale.
9. Stay warm, and stay safe.
Cheers
We’re meant to see him as a cartoon character because that’s the story Batiuk wants to tell. I can’t do that because I broke my leg seven years ago and I’ll never be right again.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Random Westviewian Dude: Dude, are you okay?!
Crankshaft: Yep, I’m fine as I can be!
Random Westviewian Dude: It does not look like you’re the slightest bit okay. You just fell on your fucking back!
Audience: Ha bloody ha!
We all know how this will end–“HE’S FINE! He’s only 98 to 107 years old, why wouldn’t he be?”
Remember when Crank was an unspeaking blobfish in a wheelchair? Yes, inexplicable time shift, so Elegant. But what if TB feels the need to explain it? No one cares–hell, CS readers never even knew–but when’s that stopped him? Why 40 years later did we need to know that the hall monitor machine gun wasn’t real? That only made my FW from the Before Times less funny. It’s exactly the type of nit this dude would pick till it bleeds.
Oh, chain smoking makes you horny, and also cures dementia? Better rush that info to the AMA! He never explains things you might want explained. Phil Holt proves you can escape being DEAD by…not wanting to be? “I faked my death!” says Schrodinger’s Cartoonist. No one asks “…But why?!” They just look like they’re deciding whether they need to pee or eat that last bag of Funyuns. He was seen with Ghost Lisa. So…She faked her death as well?
He thinks no one knows who John Darling Etc is after 35 years. Butter Brinkle was mentioned by full name 3 times in one sentence. But Jeff’s demon familiar Rictus Homunculus is just…there? A being seemingly conjured from an infernal plane? No, he turns out to be Jeff’s Inner Brat, despite not looking much like him. But, sure, accept that without any explanation who or what this manifestation is. Has Jeff gone psychotic, openly talking to a Munchkin that can carry books? Eh, who cares. Leaves room for more Flash 123 refs.
My slip&fall last year led to 7 weeks in PT rehab. But Crank’s going to leap to his feet Saturday and be driving that Death Bus again Monday. Unless we get 3 weeks of Mopey finding a secret stash of Every Valuable Comic ever in a Montoni’s cupboard, which the true owner will just give him. I think this may be my new GC comment: “We don’t read this to hate it, just to see how weird it’s going to keep being.”
I finished *The Dark Hours* last night and that I should pass along Renee Ballard’s final assessment of that other Lisa Moore:
“Taking stock of her situation, she noted that her boss was trying to fire her, while her partner on the Midnight Men case had been anything but a partner. Lisa Moore had proven herself to be unreliable, lazy, and vindictive.”
‘Nuff said!