At long last, and without further ado, your nominees for
The Crankshaft Awards 2023!
Voting commences immediately, and will be open for about a week!
Outstanding Appearance By A Funky Winkerbean Character
1.) Harry Dinkle
2. ) Crazy Harry Klinghorn
3.) Dead Skunk Head John Howard
4.) Mopey Pete Roberts Reynolds
5.) Darin Fairgood
6) Jess Fairgood
7.) Masone Jarree
8.) Cindy Summers Jarree
9.) Funky Winkerbean
10.) Holly Winkerbean
11.) Pizza Monster
Most Tortured Wordplay
1.) Strange Brew
2.) I Don’t Think That Word Means What You Think It Means.
3.) Bird Brained
4.) Incomprehensible Incompetent Incontinence
5.) Through The Grinder
6.) A Blemish on Good Taste
Most Dead Inside Woman
1.) Pam in, ‘I Don’t Give A Beep.’
2.) Lena in, ‘Why Do I Bother to Show Up?’
3.) Pam in, ‘Hungry For Silence.’
4.) Pam in, ‘Same Old Speed-dial.’
5.) Bank Teller in, ‘The Work is its Own Reward.’
6.) Mindy in, ‘Why Am I Marrying This Idiot?’
7.) Mindy in, ‘Why Am I Marrying This Idiot, Redux?’
8.) Mindy in, ‘The Killing Joke.’
Sexiest Crankshaft Strip of 2023
1.) I Saw Her Shuffling There
2.) Heaven is Too Far Away
3.) The Love Boat
4.) Atomic Love
5.) You Turn Me Right Round
6.) Bluebird Granny
The Les Moore Memorial Backpfeifengesicht Award For Most Punchable Jeff Murdoch
1.) Losing His Only Friends
2.) Hyperactive Inner Child
3.) Egocentric Insanity
4.) A Special Kind of Hell
5.) Inhalant Abuse
6.) Nebsplaining
7.) A Load of Crop
8.) Relatively Speaking
Panel of the Year 2023
1.) Shovel Ready
2.) Frosty’s End
3.) The Ultimate Art Swipe
4.) No Politics
5.) An Inescapable Truth
6.) Moments Before The Crime
7.) Uno Reverse Cameo
8.) The Full Cranky
9.) It Moves Us All
10.) A Single Funky Tear
Best Crankshaft Strip of 2023
1.) Left Out In the Cold
2.) Ancient Aliases
3.) ED
4.) It’s Funny Because It’s True
5.) Uncanny
6.) Take A Hike, Girly!
7.) The Song of My People
8.) Occam’s Chainsaw
Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2023
1.) Dinkshaft
2.) Remember, No Politics!
3.) The Cancer Spreads
4.) Pink Slime
5.) Enjoying Comic-Con
6.) Actual Manslaughter
7.) What Women’s Lib Doesn’t Know…
8.) Taksies Backsies
There ya go folks! Enjoy!
Son of Stuck Funky 
It’s weird. Some of these panels are almost funny if seen in isolation from the rest of the stuff.
Thank you ComicBookHarriet
“For Worst Crankshaft Strip” I kept looking for the button that says, All of the Above.
I do agree with StrugglingWriter that some of these strips did bring back memories of nice storylines. But then CBH would follow up with the worst dretch of the year, and you realize that TB should have stopped writing long ago. It almost borders on Scared Straight.
I have a confession. I can’t recognize or remember who TB women are. Their backstories, spouses, boyfriends, and family members all evaporate the moment I stop reading the daily strip. Sure. Thanks to BWoEH, I can identify Lillian, but when I saw the panel of Holly in the Crankshaft hospital bed, I was flummoxed until I realized that it wasn’t Holly. It was “I have no idea.” I seem to remember that it might be the woman that helps Ed steam up his windows at the movie drive-in. Or is it one of the bus drivers? And are they the same person? I don’t know. I can’t tell.
I did proudly vote. I may not vote more than once. Between CBH and TB, I am Scared Straight.
The woman in the hospital bed is Mary, Crankshaft’s girlfriend and a fellow school bus driver. She appears in panel #2 of Lena in “Why Do I Bother to Show Up?”
Mary was hospitalized in the Spring after driving a bus full of high school seniors on a class trip to Washington D.C. It appears that the experience was so traumatic for her that she needed to stay in the hospital. We didn’t see much of her after that.
BWoEH
You are a “go to” source! I don’t see how you keep them all separate. Most of the time, context doesn’t help me.
Regarding Lillian, apparently even Dinkle thinks occupying 2 strips with her is past his limit. No Lillian today.
You would know this: did TB perform in marching band in school? I get that Dinkle was a breakout character for him. But what made him likable was TB let bad things happen to him. TB quit that, and all he had left was insufferable. It seems to a certain few (Rose Bowl) Dinkle is still amazing.
[Mrs. SP surprised me today. She went to work with the tiniest pony tail. Cute. She keeps her hair pretty short, but it is just enough grown in back.]
In Jeff Murdoch #4 “A Special Kind of Hell,” how is Jeff’s inner child — basically a symbolic representation of his soul, rather than an actual living person — CARRYING a stack of books?
It’s probably like Hobbes with Calvin. When it’s just Jeff, the Inner Child is flesh-and-blood (or Jeff with people who don’t know him, as most of the folks at Comic-Con don’t); if any of his family is present, Jeff would be staggering under the weight of his purchases and hoping Pete will lend him a hand.
What the Inner Child will do for a tuna fish sandwich remains unknown.
1. “What the Inner Child will do for a tuna fish sandwich remains unknown.” That word picture brought back pleasant memories.
2. Comparing Watterson to Batiuk, show TB must only write for himself. Every writer does, of course, but there is usually some indication that the author has the audience in the back of his mind. I think TB has no awareness of his audience. I have seen the same in singers. I worked with someone that sang professionally in municipal owned buildings. So no slouch in talent. The singer was upset while singing an evening of popular music because some in the audience sang along with the singer. The singer was being complimented. The audience considered the person to now being an entertainer rather than a just a performer. Neil Diamond is an entertainer. Cab Calloway is the poster child for entertainers. So I believe Mr. Batiuk only writes for himself with no thought of the audience.
3. Personal requests. Bear with me. I am not asking for any research. Just if I give enough info that you can steer me in the right directions if there are any.
First, from the early 1960’s I have a memory of Bing Crosby playing a priest in Las Vegas with Elvis Presley. One scene I remember is Elvis being in awe that Bing offered a 2am Mass. He said the priest held later gigs than he did.
Second, I know there is a 1979 film of Peter Sellers acting and faking to be an MR person. But again, from the early 60’s, I remember Sellers faking it as an MR person that liked flowers. When he was alone, he dropped the act surprising the audience.
Does any of this ring a bell? 🔔 Again, I am not asking you to research. Just if it sounds familiar. I have tried myself, but keep striking out. My memory may just be playing tricks, and I may have the actors confused with others.
Thank you, as always, you are the best.
I hope you are feeling much better.
♥️💖❤️🫂🌺💐🌹
SP:
D.H. Lawrence liked to say that for him, it wasn’t “art for art’s sake, but art for my sake.” When I look at a bunch of Batiuk’s strips, I don’t have the feeling that the characters are talking to themselves or for themselves; thus, the death of Lisa means less to me than that of the little raccoon in *Calvin & Hobbes,* which Watterson didn’t reference repeatedly once the storyline ended. (Uncle Max, meet Mercedes Summers…)
I happen to like doing research (did you know that the Japanese originally referred to World War II as “the Greater East Asia War”?) so I did try to answer your questions. Alas, with Presley and Crosby, all I could find was that they died in the same year, two months apart…and that Presley played Las Vegas first in August 1956.
(His last movie was “Change of Habit” in late 1969, which involves nuns and has a priest character played by Regis Toomey, who was Arvide Abernathy in 1955’s “Guys and Dolls.”)
My Peter Sellers knowledge is spotty: I know that he did two movies with Alec Guinness (“The Ladykillers” and “Murder by Death”), two with Stanley Kubrick (“Lolita” and “Dr. Strangelove”) and that he was supposed to be in Billy Wilder’s “Kiss Me, Stupid,” but bowed out because of a heart attack. (Ray Walston took his place.) What you described made me think of “I Love You, Alice B. Toklas,” but Harold Fine, his character there, isn’t MR so much as someone who goes between straight and hippie lifestyles. (Pot brownies will do that for some; my experience with them left me feeling that I was dying very slowly.)
He’s a simple Indian actor in “The Party,” but he’s clumsy rather than mentally deficient.
(He’s an Indian doctor in “The Millionairess.”)
I fared much better, I fear, in telling my friend Carey that he was thinking of Pete Ross, who learned that Clark Kent was Superboy and kept the knowledge to himself, earning honorary membership in the Legion of Super-Heroes for his super-loyalty. As far as I know, nothing like that ever happened with Barry Allen, Jay Garrick or Wally West.
To rewrite George Lazenby, “a lot of things never happened to the other fellow.”
Anonymous Sparrow,
Thank you so much for your assistance. You are a joy to me.
So pot brownies made you feel as if you were dying slowly? My wife’s white sauce chicken has the same effect on me.
As for the films, I must be confusing the actors. It could have been just as easily as Alec Guinness. Both he and Peter bore a similar appearance in the late 50’s to early 60’s.
As for Japan WW2, I recommend Bill O’Reilly’s book, Killing the Rising Sun. O’Reilly is an Irish scrapper that turns many people off, but the book is good, and well worth your time in spite of the author. Covers the War from 1944 on. Short chapters full of human stories from both sides.
We had a poster on SOSF named Cheesy-Kun. He recommended Shigeru Mizuki and his graphic novel on Japan 1926 to 1945 or later. I have one of the later books. I must try to get earlier parts of Mr. Mizuki’s novel.
Good night my friend.
SP:
Abraham Alexander once recommended “A Walk to Remember” to a concert audience. He said it was “cheesy,” but it was “cheesy good.”
I suppose that’s akin to being “liked” and “well-liked” in Willy Loman parlance.
For his centennial in 2014, Film Forum offered an Alec Guinness retrospective. It was remarkable to see how versatile he was (who else could be a charming Herbert Pocket in “Great Expectations” and a frightening Fagin in “Oliver Twist”?). Sellers could do different roles in the same movie almost as well as Guinness did in “Kind Hearts and Coronets” (see “The Mouse that Roared” and “Dr. Strangelove”), but he was rather too willing to rely on comedy and physical comedy roles.
Sellers’s centennial is next year. I’m rather hoping that he’ll get a series of his own…it would be good to see “I’m All Right, Jack” again!
O’Reilly’s politics have kept me away from his books, but I may follow up on your recommendation on his look at the defeat of imperial Japan. If I do, the first thing I’ll listen to afterwards is John Forster’s “Article Nine,” in which we learn that it’s a pain in the neck to rule the world and much more fun to own it!
Anonymous Sparrow
Now, I am going to check out “Article Nine”.😊
I agree with your comments regarding O’Reilly. I do not recommend his books lightly. A close friend gave me the book, and when I began reading it, I was expecting F*x N*ws style writing. I was most pleasantly surprised. I have not read any of his other books, so I cannot say if they are worth a read.
(When I begin to type your name, Siri always gives Sparrow as the next choice)
The highest praise I can give John Forster comes from Tom Lehrer, who claimed to have stopped writing songs after Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, feeling that satire was dead.
Lehrer’s comment?
“You don’t need me anymore, now you have John Forster to kick around.”
Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky agrees!
Silent E, on the other hand, is too busy trying to figure out why he can turn a dam into a dame but friend Sam remains the same.
Regarding your movie questions, SR:
The Bing Crosby title may be “Say One for Me,” a 1959 musical/comedy where Der Bingle plays a priest in Manhattan’s theatre district and whose parishioners include a variety of show biz folk. The singer in the film is in fact Robert Wagner, and it co-stars Debbie Reynolds, Ray Walston, and ex-Stooge Joe Besser. Crosby and Elvis never made a movie together.
The Peter Sellers movie you’re thinking of is 1979’s “Being There,” in which he played a simple-minded gardener named Chance whose horticulture-related musings are taken as deep thoughts by the DC elite. His wonderful performance (based in part on Stan Laurel) earned Sellers his second Best Actor Oscar nod and would have been a great capstone to his career. Unfortunately, he made “The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu” the following year before dying of a heart attack at 54.
JJ O’Malley,
Thank you. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I will check both of these out. You had me at “Joe Besser”.
Wow! Robert Wagner!
SP:
“Say One for Me” appears in the book *Fifty Worst Films of All Time.*
The analysis of it mentions this exchange:
Crosby played Father Chuck O’Malley in “Going My Way” and “The Bells of St. Mary.” Writing of “Going My Way,” James Agee said that it cast Crosby as a priest and got away with it…alas, he died four years before the release of “Say One for Me,” so he couldn’t review it.
The last movie I saw was “Poor Things,” and I think “furious jumping” belongs in the OED.
Unfortunately, I cannot find a way to stream “Say one for me.” What a great cast! Joe Besser and Sebastian Cabot!
As for “Poor Things”, I do not think I am old enough to watch it, but I have only read good things about it.
SP:
Oddly, “poor things” doesn’t turn up in the movie’s dialogue.
“Poor, poor thing” does figure in the 1950 “Harvey,” which I think you are of an age to see if you haven’t already.
James Stewart made that the same year as “Winchester ’73.” That’s range Alec Guinness would have to admire!
Anonymous Sparrow
Harvey is one of my favorite films!
Here is a life changing quote:
Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, “In this world, Elwood, you must be” – she always called me Elwood – “In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.” Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
Skppy (the nickname for Jeff’s inner child) probably manifested in the real world and has a physical form
Like Kar Komak in Edgar Rice Burroughs’s *Thuvia, Maid of Mars*!
When The Burnings arrive, all shall be revealed. Suffice to say for now that some books have an inner core of being that transcends mere paper. Even when such books are not physically present, to an adept wise in the ways of holy tomes such as The Flash Compendium or Lisa’s Story, the spirit of these volumes will clearly emit a representation of a mystical trans-dimensional manifestation of the science of behavioral-patterned algorithms that will one day allow us to recognize humanity as our nation.
To put it another way? Skppy is carrying a stack of the SOULS of books.
Well that, in the hands of a better writer, would be an awesome concept. Kinda reminds me of the way Discworld Dwarves viewed writing.
This is great CBH. I’m so grateful for all that you do here.
While Ed Crankshaft’s behavior seems more offensive than usual and certain detestable characters hog the spotlight, nothing beats the vileness of the Funky Winkerbean invasion for the worst of 2023. 🤮
Gross.
My choice for The Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2023 came down to two Winkerbean character invasion strips, The Cancer Spreads and Taksies Backsies. Choosing only one is like picking between taking a punch in the face or a kick in the stomach.
Be Ware of Eve Hill
1. Did you get a new icon/avatar? Or am I completely out of touch and have not noticed?
2. What does the double D D stand for?
3. May I hazard a guess?
💎Doggone! That SP is sure Delightful!💎
That would be my DD.
Obviously bwoeh is a big fan of the Ed, Edd, and Eddie character Edd, also known as Double Dee.
That probably is spot on, and I am in full favor of her new avatar. I see that she has a new one also on GoComics…
But Be Ware of Ed, Edd, and Eddie Hill just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
(Tongue planted firmly in cheek. I fully support avatar rights.))
Not right now, but I could be a huge fan of Ed, Edd, and Eddy. I’ve never seen it.
There is a shortage of things to watch on TV, and I need to take a break from watching movies. Mr. bwoeh is all about the History Channel and the like.
I always love a good cartoon. My son and his family introduced us to the wonderful Bluey during their Holiday visit. I watched the entire series within a couple of weeks.
Thanks for the heads-up, CBH.
sorialpromise
My GoComics avatar/profile pic is not really new. That one was uploaded in early December.
Grim… Reaper!
Is Double Dee Edd Dolorous like the character in George R.R. Martin’s *Song of Ice and Fire* series?
For that matter, is Samwell Tarly more heroic than Samwise Gamgee?
1.) Yeah, it’s new. My current WordPress avatar. Visible when I decide to post comments while logged into WordPress.
2.) As you undoubtedly know from our email correspondence, my real-life initials are “D.D.” A friend and coworker enjoys ribbing me by calling me “Double D,” like the bra cup size. As a jest, he created that image I used for my avatar. It’s very clever. I should report him to H.R. for sexual harassment, but I got a huge kick out of it. Besides, as I said, we’re friends, and people claim he’s gay. FYI, most likely TMI, my brassiere size is not a DD.
3.) True, you sure are “doggone delightful,” but sorry, you not the inspiration.
I am surprised your response got past E. D. But he was probably laughing too hard.
I don’t think I will try your suggestion: “Excuse me madam, I am gay and would like to ask you about your bra size.”
I do like all your avatars. What is your creature’s origins that you use in GoComics. What is it? If you were wondering, mine is a Longhorn.
sorialpromise
Got what past Epicus? Do I make you feel uncomfortable whenever I type the word… (dramatic pause)… brassiere?
What do you mean “my suggestion?” He wasn’t guessing my bra cup size. It’s plain for anyone to see I’m not a DD. He’s mocking my initials. Friendly teasing. Dat’s da joke.
———————————————————-
My current GoComics profile pic is a GIF I came across while surfing the web. It appears to be the muppet version of the Grim Reaper. Laughing sinisterly. Evil. Eve Hill. Get it?
I just love the way it leans back into the door frame for one final “HA!” I’d love to find out what show or movie it’s from.
Come to think of it, there is a high probability this is how Mr. bwoeh would react if you asked him if I was a DD.
Your avatar is of a Longhorn? Hook ’em horns. 🤘 (I guess.)
With NIL, the transfer portal, all the schools transferring conferences, Nick Saban resigning, and Jim Harbaugh leaving that team up north to go to the LA Chargers, I can’t follow college football anymore. I’m losing track of who plays who nowadays. What athletic conference is the University of Texas in now? Is Steve Sarkasian still the head coach? 😵🥴🤷♀️
My choice for “Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2023” was definitely “Actual Manslaughter”
If Harry Dinkle is in the running, nothing can touch him, not that they’d want to. Dinkle is the worst character Batiuk has ever concieved, and well on the way to being the worst thing a human mind has ever created. Just thinking about the character brings back all his awfulness to one’s memory, and makes me feel a need to wash.
But, hey, that’s just me.
Ironically enough, this comment is also the blurb on the back of the book Dinkshaft is hawking at OMEA.
I voted for this also. All the nominees were awful. But Crankshaft genuinely killing someone, and it being treated as a joke, was appalling.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Harry: You dont mean…
Lil The Lizard: I’m talking about that sack of shit Dick Facey, his books suck, his job sucks and his school is a bag of shit.
Harry: Lets go!
(Les, covered in black metal facepaint and a wig waddles inside and then walks up to both Lillian and Dinkshit, and beats them to a bloody pulp, douses them in gasoline and then sets them on fire)
A FEW MINUTES PRIOR
Les: Cayla, I’m going out to the church to finish Harry Dinkle and that skeletal sack of shit Lillian McKenzie.
(Les goes to Crankshaft’s house, steals a can of gasoline, goes to Sprawlmart for black metal makeup, a black robe, and a wig, puts on the makeup, the wig and the robe, and heads straight for St. Spires)
(No, YOU choose what block to type, you mildewed walnut)
Just a thought: Do you think that the…”creative process” since it became Crankerbean is that Tom writes a script, and Davis approves the ones that his interns can cobble together from his spoor? His unpaid interns, working just to be in COMICS!! as that’s what publishers do. Just like video games and anime. If no one stepped up to replace Ayers on what Tom pays, I’m sure Davis is banking what little he gets.
CBean, 1/31:
So…Yesterday, Dinkleberry knew nuttin’ about anything, today he’s an expert on everything, or…this is the signing, where he lets people read HALF of his 1,000 page slab for free? Hey there geezer, can I get a copy less smeared with fingerprints of Montoni’s grease?
Also: Nice FACE, first dude. Has Davis given up C&Ping and now is just using Silly Putty imprints? And, sigh, YES, “OMEA.”
What’s “mind-boggling” is that this strip can’t make up its mind if it’s reality, or in some non-linear madhouse dream state.
First: CBH, yeoman work on the best/worst of Crankshaft. It must be getting difficult to choose, when Crankshaft is quickly becoming an indistinguishable wash of mediocre dross with few high- or even low-lights. But you managed to find ’em! I salute you! And I will vote early and often.
Second, I cringed this morning looking at the naked OMEA grifting. (The Ohio Music Education Professional Development Conference starts tomorrow). I mean, I’m actually embarrassed for TB.
Here’s a guy that once had a reasonably popular nationally syndicated cartoon. He got a Pulitzer nomination. He was written up in the national papers. Someone even made a musical of his work! And look what he’s reduced to: Groveling for crumbs from a hyperlocal, hyper-focused group’s annual development conference. (Looks like today’s OMEA sucking-up exercise even includes a caricature of some muckety-muck, though Davis’ art is so terrible it’s hard to parse.)
It’s like seeing a band that used to have hits and MTV interviews and tours with sold-out shows, but is now reduced to playing county fairs. And as they croak out creaky versions of their hits, only a few teens stop to look and giggle at the arthritic, balding old farts clad inappropriately in spandex and fringe. The rest of the folks don’t even notice the noise as they make their way to the 4-H pavilion to see the prize hogs.
The guy in today’s strip doesn’t look much like any of the board or staff members shown on the OMEA website. I think he’s just a really bad caricature of Pete Townshend.
Today’s Crankshaft is just a cry for help. It’s obvious Batiuk is expressing his repressed frustration at how unimportant he really is, how pathetic his book sales are, and that critics like us exist. So he draws this pathetic ego fulfillment.
“Look at me! I wrote a book people like! I’m sitting at a table surrounded by admiring fans! It’s something only I could do!” All while Batiuk gives a week of free plugs to a state-level, single-topic organization that has no need for plugs. Just because they let him speak at their convention decades ago.
Batiuk goes to Comic-Con every year. He must see how huge some the ballrooms some properties have to use, and how packed with fans they get. Then he goes to his pathetic table, and it looks like… well, it looks the Comic-Con pictures Batiuk posts on his blog. This must grate at that massive ego of his.
At least Dinkle’s not abusing his fans, like Les and Lillian usually do. If anything, it’s the opposite. The reader seems awfully sarcastic here. “You’ve really captured the life of a band director!” said the band director to the band director at the band director convention. “You’ve listed all the things band directors do!” Which the reader somehow determined while he was standing at the book-selling table. And this is one book of a multi-volume autobiography.
I voted for The Ultimate Art Swipe, because I want that unknown kid to get something for his work. Lord knows he’s not going to get it from Tom Batiuk. But we can give him something of real value.
If it wins, then in a few years that kid will be able to write “won major internet fan award in nationally syndicated newspaper column” on his job resumes and college applications. And it’ll be 100% true. And verifiable. He’ll get interviews just so people can ask him about it. Maybe it gets his foot in the door some place he wouldn’t have otherwise. (PRO TIP: If you’re reading this, unknown kid, don’t put the URL on the application. Make them interview you in if they want to know the details.)
Even if he’s not interested in an art career, it’ll score big points for “well-rounded” and “interesting.” I’ve seen internet stories about college admissions people complaining that every student submits the same essay. This’ll make him stand out.
Also, there’s a good chance it’s the only Crankshaft art in 2023 that was actually drawn by a human.
Go, Ultimate Art Swipe.
#teamMitch 100% of the way.
I wish we knew more about this kid so we could name an award after him, actually:
“The Firstname Lastname Award for the Year’s Most Egregious Uncredited Swipe.”
True, most years it would go to a DC or Marvel artist. (That’s assuming that TB owns Chuck Ayers’ FW art and Ayers’ contract allows for it to be recycled without credit.)
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
(A few people have shown up to Dinkle only to berate him because he was and still is a piece of shit, when someone in a green hoodie and wearing headphones walks up to him)
Dinkle: Nice to meet you, I’m Harry L. Dinkle, The Greatest Band Director In The World.
Me: YOU? (scoffs) Why do you think you deserve that title when all you do is be an asshole towards everyone, and say you’re such hot shit when you are mentally abusing the choir in there?
Dinkle: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!!
Me: See what I mean? Also, I’m not little, I’m 5’9”
(I walk outside to grab a rock and then proceed to hurtle it at Dinkle’s head)
Bonus: What i think the heights of some of the Batiukverse characters:
Harry L. Dinkle and Eric “Mooch” Myers: 183 cm (6’0”)
Lillian McKenzie and Pam Murdoch: 166 cm (5’5”)
Crankshaft: 177 cm (5’9”)
Jeff Murdoch: 179 cm (5’10”)
Les Moore: 182 cm (5’11”)
Funky Winkerbean and Darin: 191 cm (6’3”)
Pete Roberts-Reynolds: 174 cm (5’8”)
Heather “Chien” Parks: 184 cm (6’0”)
Wally Winkerbean: 199 cm (6’6”)
a few more headcanon about the heights of the characters of the Batiukverse
Owen Miller, Jess Darling (Daughter of John Darling Who Was Murdered) and Linda Lopez-Bushka: 171 cm (5’7”)
Bull Bushka: 186 cm (6’1”)
Cody Fletcher (Cody doesn’t have a confirmed surname, so I chose Fletcher as his surname): 189 cm
John Darling Who Was Murdered, DSH/Pedoskunk John Howard: 179 cm (5’10”)
Keisha Williams, Cayla Williams, Summer Moore, Mindy Murdoch and Crazy Harry: 173 cm (5’8”)
Rocky Rhodes (Bus driver): 187 cm (6’1”)
Roxanne Rhodes-Winkerbean, Cindy Summers-Jarre, Mickey Lopez-Bushka, Andy Clark (bus driver): 176 cm (5’9”)
Jim Kablichnick: 194 cm (6’4”)
Chester Hagglemoore: 172 cm (5’8”)
Bernie Silvers and Marianne Winters: 178 cm (5’10”)
Skip Townes, Lisa Crawford-Moore and Anthony “Tony” Montoni: 168 cm (5’6”)
Ms. Lee, Lena, Mary Marizpan and Melinda Budd: 166 cm (5’5”)
Masoné Jarré: 183 cm (6’0”)
You left out loathesome, self-righteous soi-disant “journalist” and smug thief Skip Rawlings.
I imagine him as a gnarled, dwarfish troll not an inch taller than 4’9″.
I think Skip Rawlings would be 5’4”
Lisa Crawford-Moore (5’6”)
Well, she’s definitely under six feet…
Ba’dum Tish!
A few more:
Jeff Murdoch, Pop Clutch, Malcom and Maris Rogers: 179 cm (5’10”)
Max Murdoch and Roland(a) Mathews: 182 cm (5’11”)
Emily and Ameila Mathews, Jinx Bushka and Logan Church: 166 cm (5’5”)
Dick Tracy (crossover character): 189 cm (6’2”)
Sam Catchem (crossover character): 173 cm (5’8”)
Morton Winkerbean and Frankie Pierce: 186 cm (6’1”)
Ally Roberts-Reynolds and Danny Madison: 168 cm (5’6”)
Kerry Fairgood and Livina Swenson-Jessup: 170 cm (5’7”)
Martin Johns, Nate Green and Rachel Winkerbean: 180 cm (5’11”)
Cliff Anger: 187 cm (6’1”)
Lenny Gant: 181 cm (5’11”)
The PBM: 191 cm (6’3”)
Dr. Amy Johnson and Dr. Leslie Hallett: 171 cm (5’7”)
Donna Klinghorn and Harley Davidson The Time Traveling Janitor: 175 cm (5’8”)
For Outstanding Appearance By A Funky Winkerbean Character I was going to vote for an appearance that wasn’t pointless.
So much for that idea.
Test test test
Finally got my votes in today, good selection of stuff. I’ll save comments on my choices for the results.
At least this week of Crankshaft is mildly bemusing with returning to the well of Dinkshaft shenanigans. Jumping right into the convention, whatever its name is.
For anyone who’s interested, or who wants to interact with the man himself (maybe? I never do see him responding), TB has begun posting a link to the day’s Crankshaft every day on his Facebook page.
Speaking of Facebook, in years past OMEA had run a couple Dinkle strips on theirs around meetin’-time; I don’t see any this year. Morbid curiosity led me to the OMEA meeting guide. TB is one of about 140 exhibitors. Morbid curiosity also leads me to ask: Is he selling any of those costly hardcover omnibuses he schleps from pillar to post? Perhaps he does sell some prints of the individual strips, the ones we saw him hawking at the last Ohio comicon he attended.
The whole OMEA grift is kinda depressing. But I guess he doesn’t think so, so: Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more; or paper the wall up with our unsold prints.
He has 130 followers. Which is pretty terrible, and yet still about 120 more than I expected.
<i>Is he selling any of those costly hardcover omnibuses he schleps from pillar to post?</i>
I would imagine at this point, attending the conference is less about book-flogging and more an excuse for Tom to get out of the house and interact with people who have at least some familiarity with who he is and what he does. But maybe he unloads a few books every year … after all, every year there IS a new FW compendium available for purchase.
Batiuk doesn’t need money. He needs his ego stroked. That’s why he only makes appearances in places where he thinks he’ll be treated like a big shot: the OMEA convention, Luigi’s, the Kent State bookstore.
All of which are pretty awkward places for a fossil newspaper cartoonist to be schlepping books. People who go these places aren’t looking to buy expensive hard-cover autographed books of some crap they probably don’t even know exists. Imagine if you couldn’t go for fish ‘n’ chips without the writer of <i>Sherman’s Lagoon</i> pestering you.
The in-person, DIY approach to book sales is also pretty pathetic for someone who’s been in newspapers for 50 years. Why can’t Batiuk just print softcovers for Amazon, like every other newspaper cartoonist on earth does?
Trade paperbacks and softcover omnibuses have been good enough for the greatest comics in history. Not that there haven’t been slipcovered omnibuses of Peanuts, The Far Side, Pogo, Calvin & Hobbes, etc — but they’ve never been the only way to enjoy these classics.
It doesn’t even make sense financially for TB to publish these “prestige” editions. We know they’re not burning up the sales charts. Yet he did pretty well, according to his own account, with the old trade paperbacks from the 80s and 90s. So why the need for these overweening tomes?
I fear we all know. Vanity, thy name is Tom.
It doesn’t even make sense financially for TB to publish these “prestige” editions.
It doesn’t make sense financially for Kent State to publish these “prestige” editions. What little I know of university presses is that anything they print needs to sell eventually. They can’t carry unsold inventory, because of the cost of printing it.
Maybe that’s not a problem in Batiuk’s case, because he buys them all up to autograph and re-sell himself. But if that’s true, he’s just using Kent State as a vanity press. Which raises questions about the appropriateness of a state-funded university doing this kind of thing.
I know CBH is a Mary Worth fan
Today’s Comic Curmudgeon 1/31/24, (CBH calls it the ‘Mudge) has the best line, “I’d rather read about the horse murder.” I won’t give the context. It does not involve Wilbur. The ‘Mudge doesn’t consider an arc about Dinkle as a worthy substitute.
Look, I’ll say this about the weird, aged body builder vs. vegan daughter generational gap arc in Mary Worth. It had some twists and turns. It had some conflict. And it had DISTINCT characters with differing values.
Was it nonsense written by an alien? Yes.
Was it lacking in horse murder? Yes.
But horse murder won’t save Mark Trail.
😎
The group hug sure was nauseatingly happy, wasn’t it?
It occurred to me that being at OMEA would be the perfect opportunity to see what’s new in the world of school band leaders. There must be all kinds of new things happening: Apps and digital ways of teaching and fundraising… adaptations made for the pandemic, some of which have perhaps become permanent… changes in repertory as new songs and styles of dancing become more popular…
The people running bands today would have been born between, say, 1970 and 1995. Someone born in 1995 is going to have a worldview radically different from a 1950s kid.
If TB wanted to stay relevant, he’d look into these things. “Old people try to adapt to the modern world” has been a neverending source of humor and drama since the comics began.
But I doubt he’s ever really paid attention to anything at OMEA. Too busy writing utterly execrable pun titles for breakout sessions. “Room 307: Tuba or not tuba? The role of large horns in a marching band.”
Random Music Educator:
“You’re Tom Batiuk! You used to do that Dinkle cartoon. You used to be relevant!”
<s>Norma Desmond:</s>Tom:
“I <i>am</i> relevant. It’s the music education field that got irrelevant.”
Isn’t WordPress just the gosh-darn cutest, the coyest, with their simply adorable way of changing formatting rules about once a month?
Why, I’m simply tickled PINK by the fetchingly unpredictable results every time I try to use an HTML tag. Honestly, it’s a neverending roller coaster ride of mirth and merriment.
It’s worth spending 20 minutes on a comment simply to enjoy the delightfully random result when you post it! It never ever gets old! Why, the side-splitting amusement is the very highlight of my day.
Sorry to discover it’s not just me having issues. I’ve never seen that “Type / to choose a block” stuff and formatting bar before this week. Right now, it’s more of a hindrance than a help.
No trouble at all with this website until the last couple of weeks. The initial load of the website can take up to two minutes, and the display of some graphics is still broken requiring a reload and waiting another minute or two. The loading of the website seems to be hanging on some of the tracking service providers’ websites. There may be a conflict with my browser of choice, Brave. Turning off Brave Shields doesn’t seem to help. I think WordPress dislikes Chrome and other Chromium based browsers. My Chrome browser with AdBlock and Ghosterly has similar issues. Once I get the page to load, it still seemingly takes a full minute for one of my comments to post. Also, why am I being prompted to subscribe when I already am?
For a while I seemingly inherited your torso chute misfortune. Comic Book Harriet did something and I haven’t had a reoccurance since (crossed fingers).
I should mention I don’t see the text formatting minefield when I use Firefox. The SoSF website still takes a while to load with Firefox. I clear my browser cookies often which may be an issue. Perhaps I’ll just use Firefox, a different email address (not GMAIL), and forego logging into WordPress from now on.
I’m intrigued with the graphic tool. Enough to attempt posting a graphic just to see if it works. You do get to see the image prior to hitting the reply button. As someone who has posted the wrong graphic URL on a few occasions, that’s pretty cool.
Yeah, I went to High School in the 80’s and FW was popular with our Marching Band. There was a picture of Dinkle painted on the band director’s door. Our weekly band newsletter “The Orange Spiel” featured Dinkle with a megaphone in the banner. Good times.
But I’m probably in the last generation of people who remember the strip this way and if any of us became band directors, we might still appreciate Dinkle. The kids would not and that is probably why Dinkle is no longer relevant.
I know a few band directors and they could care less about Dinkle, one never read the strip. So yeah, Batty is just grubbing for attention by attending OMEA. There is no other reason. Certainly the OMEA doesn’t need him or his publicity.
Back in the day, the OMEA would have concerts open to the public. I wonder if Batty attends or does he pout because somebody else is getting all of the attention. I picture a scowling Les exiting the event.
I’m the same age, and I can attest to this too. My band room had the Dinkle “clean your instruments” posters and the like.
Going to high school in the early aughts, and our band director had an old Dinkle t-shirt he used to wear, and a couple Dinkle strips taped around his office. He would have been in High School in the 70’s, college in the 80’s.
Right, and if he cared to remain relevant he’d wander through some of the events, talk to the musicians and the band leaders and the administrators, and get a sense of the challenges and clichés of fundraising and band leadership in 2024, not 1974.
Or, since he’s moved Dinkle on, he’d do the same for church music.
Hey, Tom. Here’s a new grift for ya. The Ohio Choral Directors Association:
https://sites.google.com/ohiocda.org/ocda
Their summer conference is held at the end of June in scenic Bexley. There’s still time to claim a booth! The strips where Elinor the organist croaks and the women who’ve fellowshipped with her for decades start calling her an alcoholic as her body is put into the morgue wagon — bet those will go over big. Run off some extra prints!
This is what an artist staying relevant looks like:
George Carlin is about as far from Tom Batiuk as you can get. Batiuk is lazy, arrogant, sloppy, demanding, and closed-minded. Carlin was hard-working, humble, precise, gracious, and eager to learn new things.
Can you imagine how much time it takes to memorize all that? And then delivering it in front of an audience without flubbing once?
Wow.
It’s funny how life works. Two years ago, if you’d suggested doing a “Crankshaft” awards program here at SoSF, I would have broken the glass and cleared the SoSF conference room with a fire axe. But now? Sure, I still detest it and there’s no way in hell I’m going to start following it, but whaddya gonna do? Harriet and Banana seem to like it, and it’s the only remaining remnant of the Batiukiverse, so whatever. Still not reading it, though. Blech.
But, EC, you’re denying yourself the pleasure of “Harry Dinkle at the OMEA Conference” this week! You can’t miss out on seeing his smug smirk practically self-decapitate him as attendees fawn all over him! It’s just as funny in ‘Shaft as it ever was in FW!
I know, D instead of C. Sorry.
Talking about Crankshaft is more of a duty than a pleasure to me. If Batiuk had let Funky Winkerbean die after 2022, and let Crankshaft keep being what it was, then I probably wouldn’t find Crankshaft worth talking about. But since he’s blatantly turning it into The New Funky Winkerbean, and using it to indulge his worst behaviors, I feel like it’s SoSF’s mandate to continue commenting on it. And it’s pretty clear that people still want to read and comment about it. So I’m glad to be part of the team.
I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn. Ever since coming to GoComics, Crankshaft has been Batiuk at his worst. It feels like his sole mission is to rile up the snarkers. Why else would he dedicate an entire week to Harry Dinkle being a smug jerk and bragging about his cruelty to students? It seems like the only purpose of this week’s Crankshaft is to provoke the snarkers.
What we’re witnessing has become Crankshaft in Funky Winkerbean clothing. It has become very similar to 2022 Funky Winkerbean, i.e. sucktacular.
To: Epicus Doomus.
An Invitation: Please join us in giving the Crankshaft comic strip the thrashing it so richly deserves.
https://www.gocomics.com/crankshaft/2024/02/01
<i>Why else would he dedicate an entire week to Harry Dinkle being a smug jerk and bragging about his cruelty to students?</i>
BART: This is the worst week of my life!
HOMER: The worst week of your life–<i>so far!</i> Soon it’ll be the worst THREE weeks of your life!
Well, if that’s the case, then he has succeeded. For the last two days, I’ve been hoping that all the band parents who helped push the candy and turkeys, all the kids who were subject to his unmerciful rehearsals, the school staff who kept him employed, along with Becky and his wife would all show up and string Mr. I Did It All up by his diminishing fifths.
And that’s my attempt at awkward wordplay.
Looking forward to making my Cranky choices this weekend!
I thank you for you grace in this Mon-Capitain. I know you hate it, but you suffer through for the good of the snarking family. Like my dad forced to sit through four hours of poorly mumbled Hamlet to watch me play a midget in a mustache for five minutes.
I promise, we will get back to digging up ancient Funky Winkerbean nonsense to shove under the microscope. I managed to pick up another volume of FW on the cheap and can’t WAIT to complain about the insanity of the past.
Seconded.
Searching for “drums along the sidelines batuik” turns up nothing. But given the Valentine’s Lisa Story level mentions in the last 2 days…Was Tom going to launch a new Dinkleberry comp with that title at OMEO ’24? And then no publisher would do it? That might explain the horrible Davis “art” ChatGPT barfed this week.
You might not want to read CS, but I really get the feeling that in a year you won’t be able to, anywhere.
I’m guessing the book title is a riff on Drums Along the Mohawk?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drums_Along_the_Mohawk_(novel)
So I guess that Dinkle is saying he’s either a revolutionary or a filthy colonialist power.
Which became a John Ford film in 1939, with Henry Fonda and Claudette Colbert.
I believe it’s Ford’s first color film, and of the seven collaborations with Fonda, it’s probably the least well-regarded.
What lingers most for me from it is Arthur Shields (Barry Fitzgerald’s brother!) as a fighting parson who takes killing a man very hard.
Shields is also the Rev. Mr. Playfair in “The Quiet Man,” and when he drives by with the bishop, Ward Bond wants you all to cheer like Protestants!
You know it’s Tom’s “wordplay” because it makes no sense. Is it just because the word “drums” is in there? I think it was on GC that when I mentioned DatM, somebody said it was the dullest book they’d ever read. But, you know, from 1936, so still relevant to The Kids Today.
How about The Phantom Drumpire? The Little Drummer Boob? There’s an old 60s instrumental titled Drums Fall Off a Cliff, that might work better.
Maybe he’s a Jean Beauvoir fan.
It’s only February, but we have a solid contender for next year’s “Most Punchable Dinkle Face” award, I think. Good lord, that’s “Les accepting his Academy Award” levels of punchable smugness.
The first comment on today’s Crankshaft at GoComics, from an ostensible ‘Shaft fan no less:
“I see why you guys hate this one.”
(“One”, specifically, being the character of Dinkle)
This made me laugh, at least. More so than Dinkle catching that wide mouth disease his wife has had for years…
Whay Batiuk never quite gets is how off putting a cartoon character like Dinkle would be in real life.
Dinkle would get fired from his job a day in
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Dinkle: Yep. I literately brainwashed my students so that they can do what the fuck I tell them to do. Except for Becky Blackburn and Wally Winkerbean, who resisted it.
Jinx: What the fuck is wrong with you!?
The irritating thing about the Woman Who Is Dead Inside section is that Batiuk has no clue how annoying the doofus males he spawned would have to be. As by way of example, Jeff is cheating on his mommy issues with Pam and unlike him, she knows it.
It’s akin to how he doesn’t really appear to realize that a cartoon character like Dinkle can’t intrude on the real world without looking like a monster. It would be as if a real Donald Duck materialized before us. Instead of being amused, we’d vomit in terror at the spectacle.
It would be as if a real Donald Duck materialized before us. Instead of being amused, we’d vomit in terror at the spectacle.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_the_Duck_(film)
Exactly why I said that. It takes time to learn to relate to someone who came from the uncanny valley.