The Crankshaft Awards 2023, Part 2!

25 thoughts on “The Crankshaft Awards 2023, Part 2!”

1. i voted for #6 because it was so tortured, it was for a word that should be dirt-common in the comic book publishing world, and because Pete was so undeservedly proud of it.

2. (Crank puts on his underpants, in front of everybody, and starts running around the stage, causing everyone in the crowd to retch, puke, pass out, retch then puke, or just straight up explode in a shower of gore that would make Garth Ennis jealous)

   Policeman: GET THAT FAT SHITHEAD OUT OF HERE!

   (the police dogpile Crankshaft onto the ground)

3. I voted for #4, because I can’t imagine Ed knowing the words “Romanesque” OR “countenance” to intend to use them enough to use other words in their place. (Quite frankly, I’m not too sure he’d know “Romanian”, and I’d rather not think about why he might know “incontinence”.)

   (Admittedly, though, the association of Mason and Lisa’s Story with the word “incontinence” is unintentionally funnier than what Batiuk was actually trying to say…)

4. Oh, good, looks like Batiuk is picking up his Flash Fridays again.

   https://tombatiuk.com/komix-thoughts/flash-fridays-the-flash-323-july-1983/

   Firestorm is upset that the wedding has come up so quickly without everyone being informed, echoing what the readers must be thinking as well. As such, it’a clever way for the writer to bring everyone immediately into the loop.

   Huh, Batiuk actually has something NICE to say about Cary Bates? Astounding. (Also, “it’a”? Proofreading is for chumps.)

   So basically the long tease that has been carried over several issues was simply the event that the writer showed us in the previous issue, and which undercut any suspense there might been about this announcement. It’s something you would learn not to do in Comic Strip Writing 101.

   But we’re back to him snarking on Bates, as usual. Anyhoo, would that lesson be before or after “don’t spend an entire g** d*** week showing someone opening an envelope”? Tom, you’re a master at undercutting suspense, don’t knock other writers for it. (Also, Cary Bates writes comic books, so would he even take “Comic Strip Writing 101”?)

   Anyway, Barry is distraught and immediately takes off to find the Reverse Flash (they couldn’t have just called him the anti-Flash?)

   Tom, you named a character “Amicus Breef”. You named a character “Hadron”. You don’t get to complain about other people’s characters’ names.

   So we learn that the Reverse Flash has not only returned, but has returned with the expressed intent to kill Barry’s new wife, thus spilling the same wine twice since he was the one who killed Barry’s first wife Iris. As the one who in Funky had Wally Winkerbean become missing in action only to surprisingly return TWICE, I’m afraid I have to recuse myself from any comment on that. And I’ll give you a nickel if you’ll do me the favor of ignoring that Wally thing.

   That… almost sounds like a hint of self-awareness? Not that it matters. We’re never gonna ignore that one, Tom, not matter how much you beg. (Maybe offer to violently kill Les Moore on-panel, and we might be able to make a deal.)

   (Of course, in the Reverse Flash case, it actually makes sense. He murdered Iris, so for him to find out Barry is getting remarried and decide to murder wife #2 is pretty much in keeping with the way comic book supervillains operate. Why wouldn’t he try to recreate his big victory over Barry? On the other hand, it’s not like the Iraqi insurgents were deliberately trying to cause Wally to get captured again, especially since the first time was in Afghanistan. That was just a ridiculous coincidence, made even more so by the fact that Wally being called back into service was one of the more idiotic “twists” you tried to pull off, and all so you could pull this nonsense during the second time skip, and then blame us for not understanding “it’s called writing”.)

   1. Not being a comics reader, the only thing I know about Cary Bates is that he wrote the mediocre-to-poor episodes of Gargoyles. Pretty consistently, if it’s a Bates episode — skip it.

5. I’m shocked! Shocked to see Batty speak ill of a name bestowed upon a character in the Silver Age!

   Actually, if you look back at Flash #139, the character’s actual nom de guerre was “Professor Zoom.” “The Reverse-Flash” was more of a nickname along the lines of “The Scarlet Speedster,” “The Man of Steel” or “The Caped Crusader.” Still, and with apologies to the late, great John Broome, I’ve always found both of the character’s names a bit… lacking somehow. Not that I’m saying I could do better, mind you.

   Ah, well. They can’t all be called “Brother Power the Geek.”

6. I voted for one of these, but I can’t remember which because… yeesh! These were especially brutal, even for Crankshaft.

7. It’s as teeth-gratingly annoying as having to suffer through Amelia Bedelia. In the kid’s books, it’s “Hey, everybody! It’s fun to laugh at the neurodivergent!!” while here, it’s “Let’s laugh at cognitive decline.”

8. I had to give it to “Romanesque countenance.” It was wrong in every possible way. First, Crankshaft, because of both his personality and his history of illiteracy, shouldn’t know either of those words.

   And because “Romanian incontinence” is not a funny malapropism, but gibberish.

   And because Generic Blonde #17 shouldn’t know those words either.

   And because “Romanesque countenance” is an architectural term, and a rare one at that. I did a quick Grandpa Google search; the only uses of that term to describe a face are over one hundred years old, and it appears to have been rare used in that context, even in the 1800s.

   And because a profile isn’t a “countenance.”

   And because I hate it when TB throws away all established characterization and common sense for some show-offy one-off that he thinks is clever and erudite, when it is neither.

   1. The British invented the phrase too clever by half because of people who outsmart themselves like Batiuk.

9. It’s a truism that children have a very small world that their consciousness is confined to, and as people enter old age, their world often shrinks down again. I think that’s happening to Tom. His strips focus obsessively on the comic book store and Montoni’s because his physical and mental life increasingly revolves around a few familiar local landmarks, like Luigi’s and his local comic book store (from which he infamously stole that kid’s artwork).

   I’d bet a sawbuck that if you went into his local comics purveyor, you’d find not only a very similar layout and distribution of statuettes, fallout shelter signs, etc, but also a crack between counters.

   There’s nothing inherently wrong with a comic focusing on a very small set of locations — most comics do. There’s just something sad about the dwindling focus. The jokes have gone from general observational humor to microscopically specific commentary. It’s as if Bringing Up Father slowly stopped focusing on Maggie and Jiggs’ volatile relationship and gradually drifted more and more to being set at Dinty Moore’s, then to making jokes about the specifics of Dinty’s interior, and eventually to wryly observing the splintery grain at one end of the oaken bar, next to where the bottle of rye is kept.

   1. Was Tom Batiuk’s life ever anything but comic book stores and Montoni’s? Not since his child grew up, I bet.

      1. I don’t know what his life consisted of, but he seemed to be able to go a bit further afield in his themes in past years.

         Then the vistas started shrinking. There were repeated storylines about the trials of aging, like cataracts and broken footanklelegs, and of course those incorporated Tom’s hobbyhorse about how all medical professionals are sadistic and hateful.

         Crankshaft had always centered around home and the bus depot, but now every other character’s world seemed to be getting smaller and more crotchety as well.

         But you can have a very small world and still deal with big themes. Peanuts and Calvin and Hobbes were about small children and their circumscribed lives, but still they felt somehow vast. The Batiukverse feels more and more claustrophobic and old-man-yells-at-cloudish.

         1. I think this is a problem with all newspaper comics, because they’re all written by insanely old people. Judge Parker and its droning on about the Mirakle Method; Mary Worth and its need to make a story out of the boring Keith Bellend; 9 Chickweed Lane being a fetish show it doesn’t even bother trying to hide anymore; and whatever the hell Gil Thorp is about these days. (I realize Henry Barajas isn’t elderly, but he fits perfectly into this pattern.)

            If nobody under the age of 50 is worth keeping (or, in Scott Adams’ case, incapable of getting himself cancelled) then newspaper comics are dead as an art form. But too late for it to be an inconvenience to Tom Batiuk. He’ll go to his grave thinking he’s an unappreciated genius.

            1. Minor point, but the “Mirakle Method” is in Rex Morgan, not Judge Parker. (Judge Parker is currently written by Francesco Marciuliano, also the writer of Sally Forth and the occasional Medium Large, who’s somewhere around late 40s or early 50s.)

10. Today’s Crankshaft is such a perfect encapsulation of the Funkyverse.

    “Oh, you dropped your credit card? Well, it’s gone forever, because I say it is. We could easily move the counter, put a cover over the gap, or get a counter that isn’t discarded hobo trash. But we won’t. Just smirk, roll your eyes, ponder how unfair life is, and build a self-aggrandizing conspiracy around it. If you try to solve any problem in life, you’re disrespecting Lisa. The End.”

    1. “Just smirk, roll your eyes, ponder how unfair life is, and build a self-aggrandizing conspiracy around it. If you try to solve any problem in life, you’re disrespecting Lisa. The End.”

       This might be the most brilliant thing I’ve ever read here. You’ve said it all. The rest is just end credits.

    2. Customer service at its best.

11. Today’s Funky Crankerbean:

    John: You dropped your credit card, and now it’s MINE. (evil laughter before his head explodes in a shower of gore that would make Garth Ennis proud, Jeff looks at Wally, who’s holding a shotgun)

12. I was gunning for “it’s a brew” myself, that had the extra cherry on top of Pam just smiling without comment in a pat-on-the-back moment of the Funkverse Smirk ™, basically enshrining the groanworthy pun. Cranky at least had his grandchild and step-grandchild challenge his nonsense.

    Also the biggest shame of this week is how Crazy Harry encouraged the grandchild to want to buy Funky Pops. Boo man, wouldn’t you know better to encourage them into action figures or LEGO or something?

13. I admit I had trouble with this category. Not because I had trouble choosing, but trouble understanding the purpose of the category.

    When I was voting for the ‘Tortured Wordplay’ category, I initially selected ‘Incomprehensible Incompetent Incontinence’ and ‘Bird Brained’ as they were the most humorous to me. However, I began to question whether I was voting in the correct spirit of the category. I was unsure of what exactly defines “tortured wordplay” and whether I should vote for the phrase that amused me the most or the one that was the most nonsensical.

    I tried to find the meaning of the phrase “tortured wordplay” by using four different search engines, but none of them provided me with the definition I was seeking. Instead, most of the results showed the meaning of the word “torture”. I am well aware of what torture means, but it was frustrating to not find the definition of the term I was looking for. “Torture” is not being able to find the meaning of the term “tortured wordplay.”

    I decided to use a literal definition. Which wordplay inflicted the most severe pain or suffering on me. Well, that was most definitely one of the nominees featuring Mopey Pete. ‘Through The Grinder’ or ‘A Blemish on Good Taste.’

    So I ended up voting for four different nominees. Oh, well, not the first time I screwed up my vote.

    1. The verb tortured, in addition to its more common meaning, also means “distorted, twisted, or wrenched out of shape.” It has the same root as torque, contort, and distort.

       That’s the meaning used in “tortured wordplay.” It’s the words you’re torturing, by trying to bend and twist them.

       However, you chose correctly when you decided it was Crankshaft’s readers that were tortured, because we certainly were. Using that criterion, all the entries were winners. And every one of us was the loser.

       1. Thanks Drake. Makes sense.

14. Why does Pariah have purple hair? Does he use the same beauty salon as his grandmother?

    1. LMAO.

       Same shade my grandma had until the day she died.

       I’m guessing it was a dopey mid 80’s thing. Kinda like his whole cape/gold chain Space Prince Valliant getup.

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