Crankshaft Awards 2023, Part 4

WARNING WARNING WARNING!

Today’s post has been rated M for MATURE.

Those with delicate sensibilities, prudish tendencies, or weak gag reflexes are advised to use their own discretion or indiscretion today. Whichever they have in greater abundance.

Some of you may have been shocked or confused by this awards category more than any other. We don’t often expect unveiled lust illustrated in our undying legacy zombie strips, sandwiched as they are between local sports and local obituaries. At least, normal people don’t. If you’ve been in the strip snark blogosphere for very long you’ve come to expect a certain level of geriatric raciness popping up in Mary Worth and Gasoline Alley.

And Crankshaft isn’t an exception. Crankshaft has NEVER been an exception. Cranky has been a lady killer from the very beginning.

And from Grace, to Lois, to poor Mary Marzipan Cummings, this virile old widower has left a trail of heartbroken golden girls in his wake.

Okay, maybe not. Maybe he’s usually the one getting dumped.

But make no mistake. Crankshaft can get a little spicy. Sometimes down right subversive.

And so, from an initial pull list of more than 15 strips, I painstakingly narrowed the contenders down to these: your nominees for…

Sexiest Crankshaft Strip of 2023

1.) I Saw Her Shuffling There

2.) Heaven is Too Far Away

3.) The Love Boat

4.) Atomic Love

5.) You Turn Me Right Round

6.) Bluebird Granny

And your winner for the Sexiest Crankshaft Strip of 2023…

Bluebird Granny!

44 thoughts on “Crankshaft Awards 2023, Part 4”

  1. Another one I voted for! Mostly because it wasn’t completely repugnant like some of the others (looking at you, Mopey), and it was actually vaguely amusing in the way it was intended to be amusing. I mean, it’s not a Comic Strip Hall of Fame contender or anything, but it’s good enough, y’know? (Like, if the strip was consistently that level, it might be not nearly as snarkable. But it’s not, and thus do we snark.)

  2. I voted for “Love Boat”. The joke landed, and the sentiment was honestly kinda sweet.

    1. It’s also the only one that was sexy in any way. 1 is a shitty song parody, 2 and 4 are just more comic book worship, and 5 and 6 are basically sexual harrassment. (Having said that, I did vote for #5 in another category.)

  3. The “I voted for the eventual second-place finisher” streak continues!

    But all the nominees were, of course, simultaneously worthy and horrific choices.

  5. I supported the vote for full-frontal Crankshaft, but compliments to the winner, certainly something to the youngster shooting down the flirting. No wonder he goes back to making her miss the bus off panel (sometimes)

  7. Yeah, I voted for the winner here as well. There was some thought behind that squicky gag, which I found partly refreshing and partly disturbing.

  9. Crankshaft at his least annoying. The only thing that mars it is having to remember his telling his girlfriend that she was too old to worry about being assaulted. Unstabler’s wanting to cold-cock an idiot for being a moron sense must have been tingling when he said that.

    1. Yeah it definitely is marred by the context one strip from 2007. Geez, the rapist got out of jail faster than people let that one go.

  10. With the OMEA conference over, Batty can move on the his yearly treatment of the Medina Ice Fest.

    Oh, and don’t be misled by all of the snow that Batty shows, we haven’t had winters like that since the late 1970’s. Must be due to climate damage.

    1. Oh, is that what this week is about? I figured he saw a Christopher Nolan movie 11 months ago, and realized he doesn’t need a punchline if he puts the panels out of order. And it’s more writer-y!

      Here in Omaha, we definitely had a winter like that this year. It only lasted 10 days, though.

    2. I’m sure they appreciate being associated with a clumsy and stubborn old man lacking in intellect, awareness, and humility..

  11. Today’s Funky Crankerbean

    Guy Who Gave Crank The Chainsaw: Now you ruined the ice sculpture I spent three hours making. Are you happy?

    Crank: (with a sinister grin) Not until I use this to slice Ian Watkins to pieces.

    Daughter of The Guy Who Gave Crank The Chainsaw: Who’s Ian Watkins?

    Pam: Trust me. You’re better off not knowing.

  12. New Batty blog post! Today we learn he doesn’t even think up the comic book cover ideas he steals from others:

    A note [from Tony Isabella said] I should think about replicating the first Supergirl comic book cover where her rocket to Earth is greeted by Superman, but instead replacing the two superheroes with Les and Summer. I was totally charmed by the idea…

    Or draw them:

    …and even got Jim Mooney, the original artist who drew the comic book cover, to pencil the Sunday strip for me to ink. That was crazy fun on multiple levels, and it opened the door to an exploration in Funky of my comic book/strip roots. 

    More crazy admissions like:

    One of the new elements that I wanted to add to the strip was having Summer turn out to be a gifted athlete, the polar opposite of her athletically challenged father… [Tony Isabella] had a daughter who played softball for her high school. So I decided to ask Tony if he’d like to save me some research and writing time by writing a couple of weeks about Summer playing in a traveling softball league... As good as Tony’s scripts were, it turned out that I didn’t really feel comfortable with someone else writing the strip, no matter how good a job they did. 

    Well, that’s one way to save research and writing time. Just have your friends do all your research and writing for you! Especially when they have insight into a hyper-rare experience like playing for a high school sports team! What was Batiuk supposed to do, bring his sketchbook to a high school every day? Oh wait, he said in last his blog post that regularly did do that.

    Batiuk further confirms this by saying “I didn’t really feel comfortable with someone else writing the strip [but]… I kind of enjoyed a collaboration where someone would take a plot of mine and throw some springboards at it, which I, in turn, could use or not use to add things or take the work in an entirely different direction.”

    It turns out he’s fine with collaborators, as long you’re doing all his work for him, and he gets to pick and choose the parts he wants.

    1. Of course, casting Les as Superman and Girl Les as Supergirl really makes no sense, since the point is that Girl Les WASN’T like Les, whereas Supergirl was, in many ways, just a female Superman. (Granted, she wasn’t nearly as much of a dick as Superman, but to use those two to demonstrate how DIFFERENT Les and Girl Les are makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Not sure why Tony Isabella suggested that, but I can see why Batiuk took to the idea, since it’s not like his own “original” ideas make much sense normally, either.)

      Also gold:

      Sometime later, Tony and I were talking on the phone, and he commented that I was the easiest person to write for because I never asked for any rewrites. Frankly, it had never occurred to me. When I went through his scripts, if I found something I wanted to change, I simply changed it and put it in my voice. I did wonder what Tony would think when he finally read the strips in the paper, but he never said anything. Of course, it was a year later so he may not have even recalled exactly what he’d written by that point.

      It’s probably worth pointing out that, in an earlier blog post, Batiuk showed a revision to his contract from 1986.

      https://tombatiuk.com/komix-thoughts/match-to-flame-79/

      Notwithstanding any contrary provision herein, the Syndicate shall not edit, change or otherwise modify any of the drawings or other materials furnished by Batiuk for the Feature, unless the Syndicate reasonably determines in goo faith such drawings and materials will be libelous or defamatory or otherwise cause liability to the Syndicate from third parties

      Yep, Batiuk had it in his contract that the syndicate couldn’t modify his comics, but he felt just fine altering work other people did for him without informing them. (I also note he doesn’t seem to ever mention paying Isabella for that work; maybe it can be assumed, but… one never knows.)

      And then there’s this gem:

      It reminded me of my high school friend Butch and I creating comedy skits with his tape recorder and laughing ourselves silly as we spitballed ideas back and forth (I had some of our old tape reels committed to CDs awhile back, and most of the skits are drowned out by our laughter. We were great appreciators of our own humor).

      Somehow, I suspect no one is surprised by this revelation.

      1. All this talk about the process, the secret sauce, the research, and then look at the result: total crap.

        A colleague at work has a daughter who is super athletic and she talks about her all the time. I know more about girl’s sports than I ever want to know. I bet I could come up with something more interesting than the garbage Batty puts out.

      2. Girl Les WASN’T like Les

        …until the end of Funky Winkerbean, when she became exactly like him. With no explanation or character development, of course. Batiuk wanted Les and Lisa to prevent the next dark age, so he threw out all his characterization anyway.

        [Tony Isabella] commented that I was the easiest person to write for because I never asked for any rewrites. Frankly, it had never occurred to me. When I went through his scripts, if I found something I wanted to change, I simply changed it and put it in my voice. I did wonder what Tony would think when he finally read the strips in the paper, but he never said anything.

        Batiuk’s friends and colleagues sure seem to blithely disregard his rudeness, don’t they? “Oh, I never asked you for rewrites because I just did them myself and never consulted you. Right after I changed my contract so no one can ever rewrite my work without consulting me.”

        I had some of our old tape reels committed to CDs awhile back

        I also made dumb tape recordings with my friends when I was a kid. But I’m not deluded enough to think they contain anything of value. What’s next, the “Butch and Tom high school tapes” box set with creator commentary and attractive leather slipcase for $79.99?

        1. With a special booklet essay from William Gibson and drawings from (who else?) John Byrne!

      3. to use [Superman and Supergirl] to demonstrate how DIFFERENT Les and Girl Les are makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

        If only Superman had a character that was an exact counterpart to Superman, except that he wasn’t super powered. Sigh…

  13. Also Today’s Crankshit:

    Giving Crankshaft a chainsaw is like trying to convince Dick Facey to stop wangsting about Lisa, as in it never goes well

  14. Every time I see an old Crankshaft strip I always wish that they had kept that specific character design. I don’t know why, but there’s just something about the Roman nosed, dot eyed, oblong headed design that seems like it’d make the garbage Cranky spits out just a little bit funnier imo.

    1. I wanted to comment about it too – so that’s Pam there with the vacuum cleaner? Pam? No kiddin? Wild.

      Thanks for digging that history out.

    2. The Roman nosed, dot eyed, oblong designs you mention would work a lot better for Crankshaft. The current tone of the art in doesn’t match the current tone of the comic. It’s Act I writing with Act III art.

      Batiuk writes absurd stories with Ed hanging from roofs, launching things into space, and abandoning children at bus stops. But he insists on this hyper-realistic art that makes these things off-putting.

      Early Tom and Jerry cartoons had this same problem. Tom initially looked and sounded like a real cat. It was unpleasant (bordering on sadistic) to watch Tom get hurt all the time. T&J were redesigned to be more cartoony, and the slapstick instantly worked much better.

      1. Not to mention being racist as anything. They had a sinister minstrel show caricature as a recurring antagonist.

  15. To all of our female posters at SOSF, may I wish you all the warmest blessings on Valentine’s Day tomorrow. As for the rest of us, there is always a pitcher of milk, fresh chocolate chip cookies, and Silver Age comics to pour over.
    All of you are loved ones and deeply respected in my world! 🌎

  16. CS this week:

    Why is he doing this? It’s possible that, only 20 years later, Tom saw Memento. But if he did, I think his head would go all Scanners. We’re all expected to know who Jeff’s acid flashback is without any exposition, but constantly must be told John Darling Etc. His masterpiece: Saying “Butter Brinkle” 3 times in 1 sentence. Like we go 50 First Dates between panels.

    I think for the last 3 years, Sally Forth has done a 4th of July Sunday strip that begins with Ted’s fireworks carnage, and does the “5 minutes ago” thing in every panel. Did Tom find out, yell “I INVENTED COMICS ABOUT HOMICIDAL ARSONISTS! AND time jumps!” and decide to do his own? Without any idea what he was doing?

    When is Time now in the strip? 10 years ago, a decade in the Future, or Next Sunday A.D.? (It’s not the last one; unlike CS, that was funny)

    1. “When is Time now in the strip? 10 years ago, a decade in the Future, or Next Sunday A.D.? (It’s not the last one; unlike CS, that was funny)”

      I think it’s 2024 in the Batiukverse or time has stopped making sense in the universe and is dangerously getting close to collapsing upon itself

      1. “time … is dangerously getting close to collapsing upon itself”

        (frantically screaming into trans-temporal radio) “MOPMAN, DO YOU RECEIVE?! NUDGE, you lazy slob, NUUUUDGE!””

    2. This might be a low-key running gag Crankshaft does to illustrate escalations and “I know what I’m doing!” irony jokes for the gag-a-day format. Like I think we went through the same motions with Ed hanging off the gutter and something about losing remote batteries or chipping the flat screen.

      Then again this format was somewhat used to cut between dramatic moments in Jeff’s mom’s death and his dealing with the aftermath, so Batiuk might just think this is a clever narrative format.

  17. The “Ed doesn’t know what he’s doing, does it anyway and tries really hard not to be blamed for it” arcs have a lot in common with the “Lena wants to help, is bad at it and gets pissed off when her questionable help is refused” arcs. Batiuk does seem to like this device of people biting off more than they can chew. This explains The Looming Burnings. They’re going to be stupid and lame and we’ll have Ed say “Even though objectionally, it is technically my fault civilization collapsed, I didn’t mean for it to happen the way it did and I sure didn’t expect it so….can I get a free pass for touching off the Timemoppocalypse?”

    1. “Even though objectionally, it is technically my fault civilization collapsed, I didn’t mean for it to happen the way it did and I sure didn’t expect it so….can I get a free pass for touching off the Timemoppocalypse?”

      I dont think that Crankshaft stands a chance against the Byrnings

        1. Most of the cast of FW don’t want to remember Crankshaft’s name because of how much of a ass he is

          1. Can you blame them? When he’s not witlessly causing havoc thinking he can do more than he can, he’s deliberately being a jerk because he thinks he’s being attacked or something.

    2. Batiuk can never, ever have his “good” characters be in the wrong or cause anything bad to happen, even inadvertently. Only straw villains can do bad things. And, the nature of the Burnings is that the straw villains have to win, at least for a generation or two. This is precisely the corner he’s written himself into.

      Ed can’t accidentally cause the burnings and beg for forgiveness, because it’s too great an offense. Which shouldn’t be true in light of what Ed’s already done and routinely does. But in Batiuk’s twisted value system, it is. Sure, he killed a friend just to cause a traffic jam and his barbecue mishaps have threatened the human race… but now he’s going to interrupt the flow of comic books. And that just can’t be forgiven.

      1. This is stupid because good people can make well intended bad decisions that have catastrophic results.

      2. I’m going to suggest a third option on the Burnings. Maybe instead of being caused by angry anti-literature mobs or by a careless Ed Crankshaft, they turn out to be a phenomenon of nature, perhaps caused by “climate damage.”

        That would at least explain why the Village Booksmith remained open; the government and protesters weren’t trying to keep the bookstores closed, rather, this just happened to be one of the stores that didn’t get damaged in the worldwide (?) fires.

        1. Or the Byrnings might be Crankshaft throwing a GoAnimate-type tantrum, dousing Centerville with gasoline in a fit of rage. After that, Jeff grounds him for an impossibly long time

          Jeff: OHOHOHOH! ED! YOU BURNED DOWN THE ENTIRE COUNTRY! THAT’S IT! YOU ARE GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED GROUNDED FOR TWENTY BILLION YEARS! GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!

          (Ed just sets him ablaze)

        2. I suggest a FIFTH version of The Burnings:They’ll be stupid and boring beyond anything we can imagine! While being so stupid and boring that no one cares.

          It’s 2025, Tom has no strips. And people DO care–but it’s just us, with nothing left to mock. Christ, if this becomes “Son of Stuck Blondie,” I’m out.

        3. Sounds kind of like something he’d pull. It’s probably filtered back to him that his characters look like they should be no one’s nation if they stand around glumly taking crap from people but feeling outraged. Best to be the victims of something impersonal no one could stop.

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