72 thoughts on “Short Lines, No Waiting.”

  1. This is a copy of an email I sent to another SOSF reader after reading Crankshaft at 1218am. I believe it sums up the dread that CBH feels for us all:

    “Prepare for maggots, disease, and cockroaches. Storms, tempests, and hurricanes.
    SOSF will be unreadable for the next week.
    TB has unleashed the Kraken!!!😡🥵🤬👿🤡👺
    Batton Thomas is receiving worship over in Crankshaft. 👀👁️👁️🦇🪰🕷️🦑🌈💥🔥🌪️🚑
    There will be hell to pay!”

    I was prepared for a Les appearance. I could have tolerated Lillian winning ‘Book of the Year’, but nothing drains my soul worse than Batton Thomas! Oh, I want to punch him!

      1. Punching Batton Thomas…might be the most easily overridden guilt in the history of mankind.

  2. Sorry, but would it be okay if I reprinted part of the comment I made in the last posting? I had no idea there’d be something for today’s ‘Shaft:

    “No, not the Komix Korner again! Not the back of DSH John’s head! Not Batton Thomas, Creator of the Nationally Syndicated Comic Strip “Three O’Clock High” and yet another flawless Batiuk avatar! Not a heretofore unknown second strip to increase said resemblance! And NOT ‘I stand in line’! Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!!”

    What’s the over/under on one of these fanboys bringing up Flash No. 123 before the week is over and talking about their immortal wound?

    1. No problem JJ! I didn’t know there would be something for today’s ‘Shaft either until I saw it!

    3. Hopefully we’ll also find out that Batton Thomas Creator Of The Nationally Syndicated Comic Strip Three O’Clock High once had another spin-off strip, Jim Sweetheart Who Was A Victim Of A Homicide. (Presumably the daughter of Jim Sweetheart Who Was A Victim Of A Homicide, Jennifer Sweetheart Whose Father Jim Sweetheart Was A Victim Of A Homicide, became a regular in Three O’Clock High, where she came into possession of The Knife That Was Used To Commit Homicide Against Jim Sweetheart Who Was A Victim Of A Homicide and turned it into a toy boat for her son, as you do.)

      (I could probably make things a lot easier on myself if I used copy and paste instead of typing those out every single time, but I get a weird sense of pride from doing it this way, even though no one can tell the difference. Still, I’ll leave the copy and pasting to Dan Davis.)

  3. Still Gabby says

    Batty has to be pranking us. This has so many targets of SoSF snark

  4. A week of annoying sludge about how things must be appreciated the ‘right’ way. Part of me is starting to think that a lot of the appeal of expecting to be waited on hand and foot as he gobbled down cookies and read comics is knowing that his mother had things she actually wanted to be doing but had to bow down to the whims of a pain in the ass who stood around having a tantrum because they change why Flash runs at Impossible Speed.

  5. Neither Watterson nor Johnston tooted their horns as loudly as Batty does. He really is a real life Les Moore.

  6. What say we shoehorn in a few more of Batty’s greatest shits:

    Me: “Let’s hit the vendo, then rearrange our molecules.”

    She Who Must Be Obeyed: “I get the reference!”

    1. at least people do actually say “shut the front door” (it’s just the minced-oath version of “shut the fuck up”)

  8. Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch) says “shut the front door” in the movie “Bad Teacher,” so that may be how the phrase found its way into *Crankshaft.*

    I’d much rather Tom Batiuk quoted Punch’s Eveline de Plonge from “Let Them Eat Cake” (who is so innocent and pure that she wouldn’t know what a…well, I’ll leave you to find that out for yourself — there are rules for this site!). Or, better yet, Dawn French’s Vicar of Dibley.

    Maybe we are all Alice Tinker not getting Gerry Granger’s jokes. Or, worse, we’re Alice realizing that the jokes just aren’t very funny.

    To be sure, the “Vicar of Dibley” jokes are actually funny, and the response of Emma Chambers’s Alice to them is hilarious, but the device reminds me of Gabe Kotter telling a joke to his TV wife Julie at the end of “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

    Those were very hoary chestnuts indeed, and I can imagine Alice one day saying:

    “There’s a reason Gabe Kaplan turned to playing poker, Vicar…”

  9. Today’s Funky Crankerbean:

    Oh jesus christ not this again I dont want to see both fat pedophile DSH John or Batton Thomas

    Batton: John. I’ve heard this damning information about you doing extremely horrible stuff to minors. Unlike Crazy, I will not bail your fat ass out if you get arrested.

    John: WHY CANT EVERYONE SEE THAT I’VE DONE NOTHING WRONG?!

    Jeff: There’s evidence of you that proves those rumors correct, John.

  10. So… did Timemop move Batton Thomas back to the past? He looks decidely younger than he did at the end of FW.

    1. Davis is probably just tracing a younger Batton Thomas… 

      Or, really, he’s tracing some Ayers drawings of Jeff Murdoch older than the ones he’s using to trace Jeff Murdoch in today’s strip.

  11. OK, TB… just because you ended <i>FW</i> and can no longer reasonably do the whole “remember that mean old bus driver, Mr. Cruikshank or something” bit in that character’s namesake strip doesn’t mean you should recycle the “hey, it’s that guy, let’s explain who he is for half the week” thing (generous term). Especially not for your pointless author avatar, who everyone inexplicably but simultaneously knows well and has no idea who he is.

    Batton Thomas exists as a character for the sole purpose of being identified by others.

    1. I like how Jeff claims to be a fan of “Three O’Clock High”, but somehow doesn’t know it ended.

      1. This what I expect from those commenters at GC who berate those of us who criticize the strip.

    2. How did you come to choose “Cruikshank”? Was it because of the celebrated illustrator George Cruikshank, who illustrated some of Charles Dickens’s work?

      (Yes, I do read too much. Sorry.)

      Cruikshank claimed that much of the plot for *Oliver Twist* was his, which makes me wonder what *Three O’Clock High* and *The Wrinkles* look like. Does Batton Thomas do everything, or does he have a Davis or Burchett to assist him, and a John Byrne who’ll gladly fill in?

      1. Nothing so poetic, I’m afraid. TB would sometimes have characters misspeak Crankshaft’s name when they incessantly but hazily remembered him.

        1. Thank you for the clarification. 

          Getting a name wrong consistently (or not recognizing a long-term employee, as happened with Mr. Burns and Homer Simpson: that’s no longer true, is it?) should be a sure-fire laugh-getter, but it’s different with the almost-but-not-quites for Crankshaft. On “Bewitched,” Endora almost always gets Darrin’s name wrong (if I remember correctly, there are only eight times when she doesn’t use something like “Durwood” or “Dum-Dum”) and it’s always funny, because Samantha loves both her mother and her husband, and knows that neither will change. (Though they can bond once in a time, as they do at the birth of Tabitha.)

          Pam may ask “what are you doing, Dad?,” but is less likely to say “I love you, Dad.”

          Maybe I should think of Zachary Smith’s insults on “Lost in Space” for the Robot. Warning, warning, danger, Jeff Murdoch!

          Spell it “Crookshanks,” and I’m thinking of Crooks the stable buck in John Steinbeck’s *Of Mice and Men.*

          1. You’ve explained exactly why “everyone forgets Crankshaft’s name” doesn’t work: because there’s no storytelling point to it.

            Endora’s insulting names for Darrin were an expression of her contempt for him. Mr. Burns’ forgetting Homer’s name was a joke about Burns’ age and senility. (And also, a meta-joke about the nature of work comedies requiring the main character to interact with their boss far more than would be typical.)

            Everybody forgets Crankshaft’s name, because Tom Batiuk thinks it passes for a joke. This is the worst kind of catchphrase-as-punchline hackery. It’s a formulaic joke, but the formula doesn’t add up to anything. At least when Forrest Gump said “Life is like a box of chocolates,” it made sense to the story and to his character.

            This makes no sense even in the simplest way. Crankshaft’s name is so unusual it’s easy to remember, and his behavior is so obnoxious people would easily remember it.

            If anything, not needing to say his name should be the joke. “We get a lot of transfers from Centerville because of a bus driver.” (Beat panel, quizzical expressions.) “You know, that bus driver.” (smirk, eyeroll).

            Crankshaft inspiring transfers “a few years ago” doesn’t even make sense narratively, but I’d just be piling on at this point.

  13. it’s a tad too early to say too much about Batton Thomas’s upcoming week of grandeur (other than how funny he stays silent as the others just talk up his career and how lame “Shut the Front Door!” Is for a STFU equivalent), but I will shout out “Take 409” of his John Darling posts on the blog.

    Seems this week back in the 80s Tom gave the Sunday over to glorifying the obscure sitcom “Slap Maxwell Story” as “one of the finest sitcoms ever”, though back then he was aware it would ultimately be a one-season wonder as John joked in-strip it would be cancelled in spite of how much he loved it. Tom also mentions he’s been looking “everywhere” for ways to watch it today. It only took me thirty seconds to find a YouTube channel with uploads of the episodes: https://youtube.com/watch?v=mtAPhuvl5pY

    2. Still Gabby says,

      I believe it was just called “Slap Maxwell.” I think it was Geena Davis’ first major tv role. I admit I’ve never been much of a Dabney Coleman fan

      1. The full title was actually The Slap Maxwell Story.

        https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092451/reference/

        Geena Davis wasn’t in it, but she was in Coleman’s early series, Buffalo Bill.

        https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084992/reference/

        Hmmm…

        Bill Bittinger is the egotistical host of a local daytime talk show on WBFL in Buffalo, New York. He’s unhappy at being a big fish in a small pond, but unable to break into the big leagues. He makes life miserable for his crew and guests, and especially his station manager Karl Shub, who is constantly dodging lawsuits resulting from Bill’s behavior. The one person Bill is unable to bully is his director and on/off lover, Jo Jo White.

        I wonder if Buffalo Bill ended with Bill getting shot to death by an unknown assailant…?

  14. Wow! Talk about a one-two punch. Oh,no! Not the Komix Korner again! *Choke* Is that Batton Thomas? May God damn us all and save us in same breath! Ack! Gag! Barf!

    Not that anyone here has any doubts, but today’s Crankshaft is further evidence that the end of Funky Winkerbean was anything but Batiuk’s decision. Why else would he constantly feel the need to force this FW garbage upon readers of Crankshaft? It’s clear the cancellation of FW by the syndicate was unexpected, and the “storyteller” has unfinished business, as far as FW is concerned.

    I feel bad for the GoComics readers who genuinely looked forward to reading Crankshaft when they discovered the title was switching syndicates. Instead, Crankshaft is only featured a fraction of the time. A classic case of bait and switch, as far as they’re concerned.

    What reader wants to constantly read about comic books? Not many. Perhaps a small percentage of readers. What reader wants to see Batton Thomas? Absolutely no one, except for the completely insane and the strip’s writer, who he’s based upon.

    Late Act III of Funky Winkerbean is like a piece of gum stuck to the sole of your shoe. It’s dreadful and hard to get rid of. Nasty stuff.

    I’m going to relish observing the beating the strip will be taking this week.

      1. Still Gabby says

        I just gave you an upvote but now I don’t know if that supports your comment (my intention) or the fact there’s an actual Batton Thomas

        1. I think I know where you’re coming from. It’s like when a commenter makes a funny post about Les Moore appearing in Crankshaft. You want to upvote the post because it’s humorous, but you don’t want to make it appear as if you like the thought of Les Moore appearing in Crankshaft.

  15. Tom Batiuk doesn’t know how to write, but he’s got the master’s instinct in knowing how to suck. He understands on a primal level that one must BUILD to ultimate suckitude.

    Harry has returned. Now Batton Thomas has returned.

    And the most-reviled character in Batiuk’s arsenal waits in the wings….

    He smiles smugly to himself. 

    He can be patient. He knows his time is coming. 

    Yes, the suckiness is increasing. Good. It’s just like Lisa’s tapes foretold it would be. Soon….soon, all will be in readiness…

    And the LesMooreification of Crankshaft will begin! 

    1. Les: I’ll take everything that racist fat fuck who used to drive us to school stole from me!

      I’LL TAKE EVERYTHING FROM YOU, ED CRANKSHAFT.

      YOUR FAMILY.

      YOUR LIFE.

      EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR.

      EVERYTHING.

    2. I think Lisa died as she was completing the “What to do when Les appears in *Crankshaft*” video.

      Hari Seldon, don’t you weep, don’t you moan, Dinkle’s Army got drowned…

  16. It’s Tom’s avatar being praised by Tom’s avatar after being introduced by Tom’s avatar. Throw in Lillian, and we’ll have a Tomception.

    1. throw in Les as well, and the Tomception will cause a black hole that will destroy the fabric of reality

      1. Maybe we should ask the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists if they’ll lend us the Doomsday Clock.

  17. The final week of Three O’clock High was drawn by the famed artist Bernie Johns, with assists from Dave Daniels and Birch Richards.

    1. I got the references

      Bernie Johns = John Byrne

      Dave Daniels = Dan Davis

      Birch Richards = Rick Burchett

      1. MR HILTER: “…Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.” Yeah, Tom, easy propaganda victory! Just keep attacking that tank factory! Spend at least a week pretending YOU ended FW on purpose!

        Which has a higher per capita? Tom’s avatars in Westview/Centerville, or the death rate in the “Murder, She Wrote” town?

    1. Oh, you just know they had a version of Harry’s smug “yeah, you know he’s right” pose in both past strips. Batiuk pulls it out every time he just knows he’s right about something. Perfect example of backpfeifengesicht.

  19. 2/26: Three Toms all Spiderman-ishly point at each other. “I LOVE YOU MAN!” 2/27: Tom assaults Tom like Crank did to Random Lady just 5 days ago.

    Is this the week’s story? Tom loves him some Tom! In March/April 2023, the concept that maybe *nobody cares about FW ending* finally hits home. So he’ll just praise himself!

    An ouroboros doesn’t kiss it’s own ass this much.

  20. This slobbering over the Right Way to enjoy a medium that doesn’t seem to serve a purpose any longer explains the super awkward comic cover Sunday things. It makes the person holding a newspaper look goofy but as long as it’s harder on people doing it wrong, he doesn’t care.

    1. Of course, one can just get a browser extension that will allow you to rotate images for you, making it almost trivially easy to read it the “wrong” way. (Certainly, it’s easier for the “wrongies” than the people reading the dead tree version.)

      But then, there’s that “Things Tom Batiuk Doesn’t Understand” thing for a reason…

      1. Like, say, holding a newspaper edge on to satisfy an idiotic whim is stupid looking. Also, he doesn’t get that he’s kind of a pill when he gushes about things at the worst damn time. I mean, there’s a reason that back in the late sixties, the show runner for Doctor Who secretly wished that a Dalek would exterminate a Peter C from Glasgow because he was a buzzing annoyance. Thing is that Capaldi grew out of that. Batiuk ain’ta gonna because he gots no self-awareness.

  21. Can you imagine being a longtime Crankshaft reader who never read FW? In the past year, the comic strip you read on a daily basis has increasingly been taken over by the old FW cast on everything from comic books to a pizza place to….well mostly comic books. My guess is the few loyal Crankshaft readers are starting to hop off the bus, especially as TB brings out almost all of his worst habits, ticks, and characters. But, as they used to say on the 60s Batman show, the worst is yet to come! Batton Thomas is the mere herald, the voice preparing the way for Les…..

    1. When Jay Sherman started chanting BUY MY BOOK!!!, people pulled a gun on him. I wish they’d do that to Les.

  22. So…

    Three O’Clock High = In universe equivalent of Funky Winkerbean

    The Wrinkles = In universe equivalent of Crankshaft

    What was the in universe equivalent of John Darling? (Jessica’;’s father who was MURDERED)

  23. Today’s Funky Crankerbean:

    Batton/Batiuk, there’s this thing called GoComics and Comics Kingdom, you know. You can just go on there and read the comic strips

    1. Batton Thomas reminds me of Tanya Peters, Anna Nicole Smith’s character in the last Naked Gun movie. The character was a manipulative bimbo, something Anna Nicole Smith very much was in real life. If the advice “just act naturally” ever applied to anyone, it was Anna Nicole Smith in Naked Gun 3. But her acting was so bad, it dragged the whole movie down. She was so inept she didn’t know how to portray herself!

      And Tom Batiuk is so inept he doesn’t know how to write himself. He should know cartoonists have no reason to be invested in newspaper distribution. Because non-traditional distribution exists, and he gets paid for it. And I’m sure he knows that, because I’ve read his blog posts about his litigousness.

      There’s no reason for Batton Thomas to act like this, and Tom Batiuk knows it. But he’s much more interested in enforcing How To Do Things Correctly than he is in being realistic.

    2. My favorite bit about today’s strip, combined with yesterday’s revelation that Jeff didn’t know Three O’Clock High had ended, is the implication that the Centerville Sentinel had long ago dropped Three O’Clock High but kept printing The Wrinkles. 

      If there was any chance at all that TB did this intentionally, I’d say this was actually pretty clever, as Crankshaft was in a good number more papers than Funky Winkerbean was for the last 10-15 years of FW‘s existence.

  24. From “Captain Research’s” Blog: The Slap Maxwell Story was one of the finest sitcoms ever. It’s a real shame that it can’t be found anywhere these days. If you do, please let me know because I’ve searched everywhere for it.

    Google Search: “Stream Slap Maxwell”

    First result: “Here’s a link to the first 6 episodes of Slap Maxwell on YouTube.”

    1. Also: it is entirely “on brand” that he would consider “one of the finest sit-coms ever” to be a show from the late 80’s who’s central gimmick is that the main character gets slapped by someone every episode and was cancelled after one season.

      That it is even on YouTube at all baffles me.

      1. it’s amazing the crap he latches onto and declares the best thing ever. The Phantom Empire, The Ripples, and now Slap Maxwell. At least George Clark was a good artist, even if his storytelling was downright Batiukian.

        1. I’ll put in a good word for Slap Maxwell. Not an all-time classic, but it was above average for the era. 

          And put it next to John Darling, and it looks like Shakespeare.

    1. Jeff: I dont know, really. I just trip on acid and then read a newspaper.

      Crazy Harry: Same here, you manbaby.

  26. FYI, or should I say WARNING.

    The Comics Kingdom is scheduled to launch an all new website tomorrow.

    https://www.dailycartoonist.com/index.php/2024/02/27/inside-the-comics-kingdom-reboot/

    Let’s see if the reboot works better than the “UPGRADES! UPGRADES! UPGRADES!” they had a couple of years ago. I’ll be pleasantly surprised if the website is even up tomorrow. FWIW, since canceling my Comics Kingdom subscription, I read almost all of my KFS titles on ArcaMax and the Seattle Times website. Hopefully the comic strips will be available to read tomorrow.

    BWOEH, your continuing source of Comics Kingdom haterade.

    Tom Batiuk: You want to read comic strips, girlie? Buy a *#@$ newspaper!

    1. If the reboot is successful, I wonder if Comics Kingdom Customer Care will finally close my problem ticket. It’s been in “PENDING” status since 12/01/2022.

      I’d like to point out I was a paying customer when that ticket was opened. Comics Kingdom Customer Care = You’re a customer, but we don’t care.

      1. Oh, they improved it alright. I had to dig around to find the Favorites button. And half of mine are gone, all from the Vintage category. No, I’m not going through Comics A-Z every day to find them.

        Thanks for listing the other sites! If CK doesn’t fix this pronto, they sure as Tom’s brittle brain aren’t getting any more of my money.

        Interestingly, Cracked. com today made their site completely unusable. Is this some Leap Year’s Eve tradition I’m unfamiliar with? Like New Years resolutions, except your goal is to make yourself worse?

Comments are closed.