So this week’s Crankshaft plot has been about Ed renting out space at Pam and Jeff’s house to view the upcoming solar eclipse. Or, as a Comics Curmudgeon poster put it:
Tom Batiuk saw that the 2024 eclipse would pass right through Ohio, and immediately thought, “How can Crankshaft be a horrible person about this?”
https://joshreads.com/2024/04/the-only-fools-here-are-all-of-us/#comment-2783092
Credit where it’s due, though: this is a timely, Ohio-relevant story, which we rarely get in the Funkyverse. The total eclipse will happen next Monday, April 8, and the path of totality will pass over the Cleveland metropolitan area. Since we don’t know exactly where Centerville is – and it’s implied to be a far-out Cleveland suburb anyway – the story is highly relevant.
Monday’s Crankshaft strip was of Ed renting out Pam and Jeff’s house to eclipse fans. But there’s a major problem with the story. See if you can figure it out from this map (from nationaleclipse.com). The green line represents “dead center in the path of totality”, as the April 1 strip put it. Areas inside the yellow lines will experience a total lunar eclipse for some length of time.
Even if Centerville is dead center in the path of totality, so is the entire Cleveland metropolitan area, and most of the state of Ohio. Which means nobody is going to drive to Crankshaft’s house and pay $25 when they can view it from their own homes. Or from anywhere in a path so wide it extends from Toledo to Cincinnati and Columbus.
Also, being “dead center in the path of totality” isn’t as valuable as you’d think. According to this more detailed map from greatamericaneclipse.com, you don’t have to be central to get a good view. You can experience 2 minutes of totality just inside the yellow lines; the maximum is a little under 4 minutes.
Which is why this story sucks. At best, the lack of real demand for what Ed’s selling will become the Saturday punchline. Which would make it another example of By The Power Of Batiuk, type 2. Pam and Mindy both fail to point out the obvious problem with Ed’s scheme, after he’s already spent huge amounts of money and wrecked their home trying to make it happen. (Though to be fair, Pam and Mindy might be too stupid to see the problem.)
At worst…. well, I know better than to try and predict how low Tom Batiuk will go to make a story work. So let’s see how it plays out.
And I can tell you from experience that 2 minutes is plenty of time. In 2017, my home state of Nebraska got a solar eclipse. It was pretty awesome. You can watch the whole show here:
The eclipse happened at about 2 pm on a workday. The boss had purchased some high-quality eclipse glasses, so we could all have a look. (Side note: if you’re going to look at the eclipse, heed all warnings about protecting your eyes. I took multiple astronomy classes in college, and the professors had some real horror stories to share. Take my word for it.)
Anyway, there were about 10-12 employees at my company. We took turns looking at the eclipse through the one set of glasses we had. And we weren’t in an ideal location for maximum eclipse time. Two minutes was still plenty of time for everyone to have a peek. Some of us saw the eclipse as it was waning (the sun was becoming more obscured by the moon) or as it was waxing (becoming less obscured). But you can sure as heck see a black semi-circle covering up part of the sun.
Which is enough to make you question your own existence. The sun is the engine of warmth, energy, growth, and by extension, life itself. Without it, all 7+ billion human beings on earth, and every other lifeform, would die quickly and horribly. Watching the sun be taken away on an ordinary Monday afternoon will remind you how fragile your existence is, and how irrelevant you are in the universe. Even when you know the sun is coming back in 4 minutes. It messes with your head.
If you’re near the eclipse’s path (San Antonio, Dallas, Indianapolis, Cleveland, Montreal), do go out and see it. You won’t be disappointed.
Not that the story will capture the wonder of it all. It’ll be another plug-and-play installment of “oh, that wacky bus driver!” We should count our blessings the eclipse wasn’t caused by one of Ed’s barbecue grill mishaps.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Of course, we’re all shivering with antici…pation for this arc’s denouement where Pmm and/or Min-dull find a crestfallen Ed standing in the middle of a Monday downpour and ask him “So, how’s the eclipse?,” thus perfecting replicating a “Peanuts” storyline from 1963.
https://peanuts.fandom.com/wiki/July_1963_comic_strips
Oh, if only I had faith that TB was funny enough to just rip this off completely…
But Batiuk can’t possibly end the arc on a Monday…everyone knows the (self-imposed, arbitrary, useless) “rules of comics” would prohibit that. So what would Crankshaft do the rest of the week?
(Yeah, yeah….he’d whinge and moan and make stupid malaprop-laden puns. With an eclipse and/or rain and/or failed business venture theme. Boy, I can’t wait!)
Forgot about this old arc, a brilliant Schultz read. Them bemoaning how there was no means to “watch” the ecclipse punchline, Linus being a mix of PSA and know-it-all, and a very fun punchline of the poor kid getting his Charlie Brown moment.
Makes me wonder if there’s rain to be expected in my area.
Okay, I don’t think this is a bad guess.
SATURDAY Panel 1: Pam: “Dad, why are you here?” CRANK: “To sell eclipse stuff!” SAT Panel 2: Pam: “And not a single cloud in the sky!” CRANK: “I’m gonna get RICH off my scheming!” In the background of Panel 3, a Single Cloud in the Sky.
SUNDAY: Smug Crank. 6 or 7 panels where he reaches out his hand, and rain falls on it. He’s sour now! Boy oh boy!
Monday: Oh like fuck you don’t know. DELUGE! Crank is deluged! Eclipse RUINED!
BUT–Tom says all comic arcs must begin on Monday, and end on Saturday! But he HAS to end Monday 4/8–that’s when the eclipse is! What will happen the next 5 days? Some rainy, desperate Crank trying to convince people to stay, like Fyre Fest? Pretending it’s COOL like the Willy Wonka Scotland Experience, selling his soggy eclipse glasses and single jellybeans? Then he goes bankrupt? And dies of pneumonia?
Or will he just never mention it ever again, and Tuesday he uses his bus to run over schoolchildren?
AWAITS him the PULITZER!
Arcs can end on Sunday sometimes.
Pam looks dead inside because she knows all of this and Ed does not. She’s stuck cleaning up another mess he made by being a mean-spirited ass who thinks he’s smarter than he actually is.
Pam knows all of this and Ed does not.
This strip is exactly what “too restrained to be funny, and too unrestrained to be realistic” looks like. And why Batiuk depends on it so much. He tends to write stories that fall to pieces when the slightest bit of logic is applied. So the other characters can never, ever question anything.
Pam can’t point out the obvious flaw in Ed’s plan, because it’s not Saturday yet. So she passive-aggressively lets Ed spend huge amounts of money on products he’ll never be able to resell, certainly not at the volumes we’ve seen. Which throws realism straight out the window, because we’ve seen enough to know that Ed has dropped life-destroying amounts of money into this scheme.
If this is being played for laughs, Ed should be buying much more outrageous products to resell. If it’s trying to be realistic, Ed needs an intervention.
There’s another, equally probable alternative, and that is that Ed’s scheme somehow succeeds, and we end up with a basement full of tourists sleeping on air mattresses. We’re already seeing them lining up around the block to go into Lillian’s cheesy bookstore.
My prediction is that Ed will make a fortune on the airbnb scheme, but will have sold cheap knock off eclipse glasses and will spend all the airbnb money settling a lawsuit when all his guests get eye damage.
Yeah, but to do that, Batiuk’s going have to ignore another problem: Ed’s bought enough eclipse glasses for a quarter of a million people.
Just for fun, I calculated how much he must have spent, based on the above strip. This box of 50 glasses has listed dimensions of 16.61 x 2.09 x 1.42 inches. If we round this to 16x2x1.5 inches, and pack them into 24x24x24 boxes, that’s 288 (1.5x12x16) boxes of 50 glasses each, or 14,400 pairs per larger box.
There are at least 17 visible larger boxes in Ed’s yard, and the package guy is going back to get more. 20 boxes would be 288,000 individual pairs of eclipse glasses – enough for an entire county. At 50c apiece wholesale, Ed has invested $144,000 in this scheme. By the way, this is the last solar eclipse until 2044.
To put it mildly, there’s no way on earth this can possibly be profitable, because Ed overstocked. But like every other preferred character, Ed will be rescued from his own bad decisions because Batiuk wants him to succeed.
You don’t suppose his wanting to cater the thing will lead to THE BURNINGS. do you?
that’s an interesting idea… way too interesting to actually happen in the Funkyverse.
While I think this week’s Crankshaft strips are weakly executed, I think the premise is solid. This particular eclipse is being met with tremendous fanfare, perhaps to a ridiculous degree, and I’m sure TB has been inundated by the hoopla living in Northern Ohio.
My parents live in the path of totality and from what I have seen and heard cities and towns along the path are expecting heavy traffic and considerable crowds (it is not uncommon for the local news in some of the small and mid-sized cities to say they expect their populations to double on Monday due to visitors). There are mountains of eclipse merchandise for sale, sports stadiums and outdoor venues are holding ticketed watch parties, and hotel rooms are reportedly expensive and hard to find. Some good friends of mine own a house in a that they rent out via AirBnB in a town along the path that is home to both a D1 college football program and a major tourist trap, this upcoming Sunday night they are getting close to twice what they charge per night for the college’s homecoming weekend.
The issue with the Crankshaft strips is that Ed’s chicanery is not over-the-top enough, a common issue for TB when he tries to go for broad humor these last 15-20 years.
Tom Batiuk’s writing is simultaneously too restrained to be funny, and too unrestrained to be realistic. So it fails badly at both. He needs to not pick a lane.
And in Westview, panicky locals will gather at the gazebo, and pray to Lisa in the hope that she’ll give the Sun back.
And when the sun does come back, they’ll naturally give praise (and donations) to High Priest Les, as he deserves.
Oh, he’ll find something to be melancholy, wistful or snide about, whether the Sun comes back or not. Ruining it for everyone else is pretty much his thing.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Mindy: I don’t get it, why do people get so hyped up over something thay lasts for only a few minutes?
????: Because your world is about to end.
(The creature walks up to Crankshaft, it looks like Modern Sonic, except his arms are blue, and the shade of blue is dark navy, it’s not wearing any type of clothing at all)
this is what he looks like, btw
Crankshaft: Sonic the Hedgehog?
Mindy: T-that’s not Sonic.
2017 “Sonic”: Dont worry, I’ve brought a friend with me. EXE! It’s time.
(another Sonic-shaped figure walks towards Crankshaft, and this time it’s a more monstrous version of Sonic, with pitch-black eyes, blue arms, both shoes and gloves fused to the limbs, and grey skin. To be laconic, he looks like this:
)
EXE: (roars something that’s roughly translated to “IT’S TIME FOR YOU JOYLESS BASTARDS TO JOIN MY WORLD.)
(The whole world goes pitch black, with the sound of hellish laughter and screaming can be heard while the world becomes engulfed in flames)
It feels like fate is playing a cruel joke on me when it comes to total solar eclipses. The area where I grew up in Ohio is going to experience the total eclipse this year. Just a couple of years after we moved, the total solar eclipse of 2017 passed right over the place where we used to live.
I suppose if I truly desired to witness it, I could undertake a ten-hour drive to Texas. However, is it really worth it for a two-to-four-minute event? I don’t think so. Nevertheless, I’m happy for my friends and family in Ohio, as well as any individuals from SoSF who may be fortunate enough to observe it.
We did get to experience the annular eclipse last October. Not quite the same but fascinating in its own right.
Mr. bwoeh deadpans the whole idea of solar eclipses. He says clouds block the sun all the time. What a party pooper.
People are piling in to view it. There are events all over Northeast Ohio. The schools are closed and offices closing early.
It is snowing here now but supposed to warm up on Monday. Funny because we had many sunny 60 degree days in February.
My mother-in-law, who lives near Lake Erie, has been experiencing a weather pattern where it’s mostly cloudy throughout the day. There are intermittent periods of rain or snow that are usually short-lived, followed by a temporary break in precipitation when the sun comes out for five or ten minutes. However, it quickly gets cloudy again, and the cycle repeats itself with more rain or snow. In other words, typical Ohio spring weather.
My friend, who was my college roommate, is expecting a visit from all her three kids. Her eldest son is driving from Washington D.C., while her youngest son is driving from Chicago. Her daughter is flying in all the way from San Diego. Although there is a chance that the eclipse may not be visible, they are still excited to have a nice reunion.
Same here in central Indiana. Lots of press, schools closing, & businesses offering viewing opportunities. I took half a day off just so I could fully enjoy it.
One of my coworkers shared some unfortunate news with me today.
SCTV alumnus Joe Flaherty, known for his roles as Count Floyd and Guy Caballero, passed away on April 1. Although not as widely known as some of his fellow SCTV cast members, I always recognized him in bit parts.
I meant Joe’s bit parts in movies. I didn’t mean to infer that everything he did in SCTV was a bit part. 😬
English is hard!
My favorite non-Sammy Maudlin Flaherty bit on SCTV was his role as the guy in the N sweater in the 5 Neat Guys bits. He has the hardest part, playing a drunk and being just off enough so you notice but not so off that the character doesn’t look like he’s trying to stay on beat.
Neat!
Thanks! I barely remember this. Your memory is impressive!
I watched another video, ‘5 Neat Guys Gold’. Joe’s character is clearly drunk in that one. 😂
Sad how I forgot to mention Sammy Maudlin. Perhaps because Eugene Levy’s Bobby Bittman was more memorable.
K-Tel. Who can forget those ads?
Here’s the Joe Flaherty moment that always gets me: Blood Sucking Monkeys From West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jWSrYRkcW0
Flaherty basically improvised this whole thing. When there was studio down time, they’d just stick him in front of a camera as Count Floyd or Guy Caballero, turn on the camera, and see what happened…
(SCTV did this with all the cast at one point or another: some of the Sunrise Semesters, all the Great White Norths, and various and sundry other one-or-two person sketches were either total improvs, or improvs from a very loose outline.)
Joe was a pro. Some people have it. Some don’t.
Whatever happened to all the good sketch comedy shows? The last good one I remember was ‘Kids in the Hall’.
I watched ‘Saturday Night Live’ a few months ago. After watching it for about 10 minutes, I turned off the TV and went to bed. I never even cracked a smile.
Saturday Night Live occasionally still has a good sketch or two. Any time Adam Driver is on, it’s gold.
And even old SNL had some clunkers. It’s the bias of remembering the greatest rock hits of an entire decade and comparing it to the top 20 pops chart of a single month.
More than that though, why should people watch mass produced sketch comedy so broad it hits no one’s particular funny bone, when for years internet can provide the kind of ultra niche sketch comedy where the million or so freaks that find it hilarious will die laughing, and no one else has to even try to understand it.
it’s the same with Monty Python, honestly. Yes, they’re great, but comedy is a very hit-or-miss venture. I once watched the entire run of shows once, and some things… just didn’t work. Especially Season 4. But when it worked, holy cow, was it good.
By his inability to keep a straight face, Pete Davidson demonstrates the perils of live television. Similar moments became classic TV moments. ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ comes to mind.
The Adam Driver sketch reminds me of ‘There Will Be Blood’. It’s hard to believe Daniel Day Lewis hasn’t been in a movie since 2018. He had a talent for acting and good looks, a rare combination
Sometime around 2000. I stopped watching many comedy shows, especially sitcoms. It was kind of like my TV sense of humor had reached its saturation point. I had seen everything and nothing was funny anymore. As you indicate, perhaps I’ve been looking in the wrong place.
SCTV was the best. Everyone on that show was brilliant! My mom actually discovered it before my brother and I did. We were in junior high when Bob and Doug McKenzie’s “Take Off” got popular, and Mom said “Yeah, they’re on this late night show called SCTV. We were hooked from then on. I remember the skit “Chariots of Eggs” with Daryl Hall and John Oates, who were also the musical guests that week. And my brother loved Ed Grimley-even dressed as him a couple of times for Halloween and other silly occasions. And Joe’s Count Floyd and Guy Caballero-wonderfully funny character.
I never saw Freaks and Geeks, so I missed Flaherty’s role as the dad. But I definitely remember him in Stripes as one of the foreign guards that try to stop Bill Murray and crew from entering the country. A small part, but hilarious nonetheless.
I remember the first time I saw SCTV. I was at a friend’s house when we saw the opening sequence. “SCTV is on the air,” followed by several television sets thrown out of windows. We were hooked. When we didn’t watch the show together, we would discuss it in school the following Monday.
I was surprised to learn that Joe Flaherty was actually from Pittsburgh, as I had always assumed he was Canadian. The crossing guard in ‘Stripes’ was one of Joe’s bit parts that first came to my mind for me too. Others were the heckler in ‘Happy Gilmore’ and the dentist in ‘Married With Children.’ Joe was one of the main actors on the sitcom ‘Maniac Mansion,’ which I wish I could find somewhere.”
I missed ‘Freaks and Geeks’ when it originally aired, but I often read about how great the show was. It frequently appears on blogs that list TV shows that were canceled too soon or deserved more recognition. I recently discovered ‘Freaks and Geeks’ is available for streaming on PlutoTV for free. I’m thinking of checking it out sometime. I went to high school around the same time as the era depicted in the show.
I watched Freaks and Geeks during its initial run, and… it really was a fantastic series. On the other hand, it could be… well, more than a tad uncomfortable. Showing the awkward situations that high school offered to the “outcasts” wasn’t always a pleasant reminder, let’s just say. (But, again, that’s something that really stood out about the show; in a lot of ways, it didn’t try to present an idealized version of high school. It’s not really a surprise that it only got a single season; if anything, it’s a minor miracle NBC gave it a full season in the first place.)
(The shows creators really had no illusions about the show ever being a hit. While they had tentative ideas of what they could do with a second season, they ended the first season knowing full well it was almost certainly not getting that second. So at least the show ends with closure, something more shows should do.)
(By the by, those creators were guys named Paul Feig and Judd Apatow, who certainly managed to get themselves careers after F&G ended. For that matter, at the time the show was on, Joe Flaherty was by far the most well-known cast member on the show, but it launched the careers of basically all the then-unknown young actors in the cast: Seth Rogan, Jason Segal, Linda Cardellini, James Franco, Martin Starr, John Francis Daley, Samm Levine, and Busy Philipps. Not a bad collection of talent there.)
(Also the show features six guest appearances by Trace Beaulieu and two by Joel Hodgson, likely due to at least in part to J. Elvis Weinstein having written some episodes.)
Pretty sad news, boys and girls.
Ah-whooh-h-h….
if only Tom could blame an eclipse for St Lisa’s misdiagnosis
Tom has a new blog entry about Ohioana Book Festival on April 20. So the next two weeks of Crankshaft will probably be Lillian going to same.
Some poster on Comics Curmudgeon tried to guess the ending of the arc: Crankshaft will ruin everyone’s view of the eclipse, probably through one of his exploding barbecue mishaps. That seems highly plausible.
Todays Crankshaft is another example of “too restrained to be funny, and too unrestrained to be realistic”.
Allegedly, people are going to Loathsome Lillian’s bookstore to buy a book on solar eclipses. The bookstore had only had two copies and sold out quickly. Then why are those people still milling about inside the bookstore? Why don’t they leave to buy one elsewhere? Why is there still a line outside? Has nobone informed them that no more copies of the book on solar eclipses are available at the store?
A funnier setup for today’s comic would be the long line is due to Loathsome Lillian underselling Ed on eclipse glasses. Alas, we both know strip-to-strip continuity is not a Batiuk strength nowadays. Why am I funnier than a guy who’s been in the business for 50+ years?
My in-laws said their local library held a lecture on the solar eclipse. They also picked up a pamphlet and FREE eclipse glasses. Nice!
My kingdom for an post submission edit function! Fat Fingered ‘Nobone’, meant ‘no one’.
How is it possible to mishit the space bar? It’s only the biggest key on the keyboard!
i want to listen to a blues guitarist named Fat-Finger Nobone.
Those damned cheapo glasses are in every grocery and convenience store I’ve visited in the last two weeks, even though the total eclipse comes nowhere near here. And they cost about $2 retail. Nobody’s getting rich off these things. They’re a seasonal item that the free market already does an exemplary job of providing. Adam Smith would be proud.
Allegedly, people are going to Loathsome Lillian’s bookstore to buy a book on solar eclipses. The bookstore had only had two copies and sold out quickly. Then why are those people still milling about inside the bookstore? Why don’t they leave to buy one elsewhere? Why is there still a line outside? Has no one informed them that no more copies of the book on solar eclipses are available at the store?
I think they’re in line waiting to beat the shit out of Loathsome Lizard Lilliansaurous The Despicable and then set fire to her god-fucking-awful bookstore
I think they’re in line waiting to beat the shit out of Loathsome Lizard Lilliansaurous The Despicable and then set fire to her god-fucking-awful bookstore
(be ware of eve hill stares at her computer screen and lets out a contented sigh.)
I like you.
Yesterday’s Funky Crankerbean
The Daily Bleak: Local Peeping Tom Gets Arrested for Cutting Holes On Top Of Port-a-Johns Just So He Can See People Urinating And Says Some Bullshit About A Solar Eclipse, Even Though Centerville is Southwest of Cleveland
Today’s I Hate That Goddamn Motherfucking Bag Of Shit Lillian McKenzie And I Want A Grease Fire To Burn Her To Ashes And Then Watch As The Wind Blows Them Away/Funky Crankerbean:
Lillian: Wow, look at the crowd that wants to buy books about solar eclipses!
Pam: They’re not here for the books. They’re here to make you pay for what you did to your sister.
(50 people tackle Lillian McKenzie and start tearing her apart)
THE BATUIKIAN PROPHECY HAS COME TO PASS(!)
https://fox8.com/news/extras-needed-for-superman-movie-to-film-in-cle
Hard as it is believe–and I’m including “How many pages does a book on eclipses have? 2-4, with a mandatory booklight so you can read it during the event?”–there actually IS a stupider take on the eclipse!
https://gizmodo.com/conspiracy-theorists-say-stare-at-eclipse-1851387594
Speaking of weird events, my cat DJ was lying on my chest today while I laid in bed, and HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THAT?! An earthquake?!
Yes. I’d heard that animals freak out just before those hit, but DJ reacted by also going “WTH?” without a tiny pause in his loud purring.
Whoopadoop! Thanks for getting this awesome post up BJ6K, my laptop crapped out temporarily.
Crankshaft trying to use the eclipse to scam people out of money is both timely AND in character…so I guess we can give Batiuk points on that one.
But today’s strip, where people are lined up around the block for BOOKS on solar eclipses? I mean, what? People have phones. They can look up anything they want about eclipses in any kind of format they desire. From pictures, to prose, to meme filled internet videos.
I drove down to see the eclipse back in 2017, and am planning to drive down to my older sister’s in a few days to see it again. Totality is really eerie and cool, I highly recommend anyone within a couple hours to not miss it.
This whole week reminds me of this:
Tom Batiuk thinks he’s roasting the consumer public. But his own characters trying to rip them off seem a worse example of dumb, reactionary, over-spending Americans than his intended targets are.
This week’s entire joke is “I know! I’ll sell eclipse stuff to all the dumb people!” Then Evans copy-pastes a dutiful line of dumb people. We’re dumb, but we’re not THAT dumb. Nobody is going to pay Ed’s marked-up prices for cheap eclipse glasses that can be bought in any gas station for $2. Nobody’s going to stand in line for hours to buy books that don’t exist when they can just look up more current and localized information on their phone. Also, most people are reasonable, and will inform the crowd there’s nothing to buy.
And today’s bit of hilarity was “I know! I’ll show Eclipse movies to all the dumb people!” If the Valentine Theater actually did this, the theater would be packed with local people, because they’d be delighted to watch anything that isn’t Lisa Story or The Phantom Empire.
And look at the shit-eating grins on their faces. “You’re a lot like your grandfather!” Yeah, the guy we just saw buy a 30-year mortgage’s worth of disposable sunglasses for his 20-capacity viewing site. This is the “most punchable face” winner for 2024.
“Then Evans copy-pastes a dutiful line of dumb people. “
Rich Evans does not work for Tom Batiuk.
I know someone would catch that mistake. I must have had Luann on the brain.
I think the “Eclipse” movie here is the third installment of the “Twilight Saga” franchise.
Speaking of natural phenomenons, our home office in bucolic Paterson, NJ (we couldn’t afford the rent in Ho-Ho-Kus anymore and got a great deal on an unused vending machine warehouse) was stricken by a freaking earthquake today. Two of them, in fact. Everyone escaped unscathed, but copies of The Trilogy were in danger (not serious danger, but still) of falling from our shelves, and those things weight like forty pounds apiece. It could have been ugly, if not downright tragic. We lost nearly a dozen good men when we moved those books here (actually not really books, but collections of previously-printed comic strips assembled into book form), and we’d really hate to relive that nightmare again.
Anyhow, here in NJ it’s just toppled patio furniture, for as far as the eye can see. Summer (the season, not Les’ annoying daughter) is right around the corner, too, so there’s some urgency re: the cleanup. So if you’re reading this in some other, lesser part of the country where you have to pump your own gas, please, help your foul-mouthed NJ brethren, and consider donating any old, unbroken patio bricks you might have lying around. In some cases, the damage is well into the hundreds of dollars, so every brick, block and/or paver will make a real difference. Jersey Strong!
Me, in central CT:
“GAH! DID GROUND GO BOOM?!”
DJ, a cat: ‘Yes. purr purr purr…”
Me: “Oh, okay.” (falls asleep)
Connecticut LAZY!
During the 2011 earthquake, my cat completely lost his mind and hid under the bed for seven hours. This time, he kind of looked up, yawned, stretched, turned around in a circle a few times, and went back to sleep for five hours. Cats, truly nature’s most jaded creatures.
Once cats learn that you’re not afraid of something, they also learn not to.
It took years to get my first cat Kill Kill (named after the cult movie “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” and yeah, now you’re sorry you didn’t come up with that name) that thunderstorms weren’t going to hurt us. She’d hide under the bed until 20 minutes after the last rumble. I got her to worry less if I was home, but she wasn’t cured until I adopted Byron. He wasn’t afraid of no booms! As he was deaf. His nickname was The Cat Without Fear. When DJ joined the family, he never cared about anything we didn’t care about. You know how there is nothing scarier as a kid than seeing your parents be afraid? He never saw that.
The only time I ever saw Byron afraid in his 18 years was during thunderstorms. He just was idly looking at the rain, and then FLASH! came a white blaze of lightning. THAT scared the shit out of him.
What the hell is a “vending machine”? Is that anything like a “vendo” or a “carousel of death”?
Anyhoo… up here in Sussex County we got the rattling, but no damage done. Even the Shih Tzu was fine after a quick walk. (Though cash donations are always accepted!)
Yesterday, I was at the Quick Check (they closed our local Wawa, the bastards) and there was a woman in line in front of me who was going on about how she “never LIVED through anything like THAT before”, and I bursted out laughing. This state, with the drama.
Well, the ‘Shaft’s solar eclipse arc wrapped up today (Sun. 4/7), and guess what? IT RAINED!!! Whoever could have seen that coming?
And with the bare minimum in artstyle, Davis squeezing the rain into a small panel while the bulk of the strip is a vague near-full strip panel where you wonder why all those faces were drawn if they aren’t that recognizable.
Seriously, everyone’s sitting outside happily waiting for the eclipse to come at any second, and in a split second the clouds move in and it starts pouring? And not a single one of these boomers/millenials/gen-xers/gen-zers in the crowd has a camera or cell phone poised to take photos? Not to mention that he pretty much stole the ending from the classic Peanuts arc.
Thing I like about the Sunday art: Look at how everyone is–sitting? standing?–in a big line. Obviously, no one sits in a line like that. Ever been to a lawn concert where everyone sits in a long, serpentine line? Equally obviously, Davis or his intern or the Willy Wonka A.I. Davis bought at Dollar Tree found some old FW art of people in a crowd or in a line, then mashed them together.
What do I like? That there is a an in-strip explanation: They want to be as far away from that Port-O-Potty as they can be. What, you think Ed would put BLUE STUFF in the chemical toilets? That hurts his profit margin!
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Crank: SON OF A BITCH!!! (devolves into angrish)
Still Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Crankshaft: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT SONOFABITCH THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIN RUINED THE FUCKING ECLIPSE FOR ALL OF US!!! GOD, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!
(Crankshaft gets fried by a beam of lightning and turned into a band turkey well done)
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Tough luck, Ed! The next solar eclipse isn’t until 2044 or something by that time
You’ll be dead by then
Still Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
My school saw the solar eclipse, and they didn’t wear sunglasses, they wore special glasses that allowed them to see the solar eclipse and also to prevent their eyes from being damaged
Crankshaft: DAMNIT! I SHOULDA DRIVEN TO ILLINOIS INSTEAD OF DOING THIS SHIT!
Me: Also, Mr. Crankshit, I need to get my mind off these ads made by the Liver King
Crank: Who the fuck is the Liver King?
(To answer, The Liver King is a guy on Youtube and Twitter/X that says that eating raw meat, unprocessed organs and raw bull testicles (that’s not only disgusting, it’s also very dangerous for your health to eat that shit uncooked) and following his “nine ancestral tenets” makes you as muscular as he is, when he’s been taking steroids (which was confirmed in 2022) and made an quarter-assed apology about it. Does anybody else here know who he is?)