Big News.
After all these years…
Finally, I have them all.
Okay, so I don’t have ALL the volumes of The Complete Funky Winkerbean. But I do now own volumes 1-9, which gets me up to where my online archives start. Meaning, I no longer have the Funky horse vision of a couple years ago.
My only remaining blind spots preventing me from surveying the entire Funkyverse is the stretch of Crankshaft between the four first paperbacks and when the GoComics archives start. And also John Darling. But that bit of Batiukstory been well and truly murdered, only available when Tom decides to post random strips on his blog.
So what did I do when Batiuk stunned us all and pulled both Burchett and TFHackett out of retirement to relive for the fourth or fifth time the first battle between The Eliminator and Crazy Harry? You better believe I dove deep in those archives!
I’m sure this strip’s been put up here plenty of times before, but BEHOLD! The first mention of The Eliminator in Funky Winkerbean!
This strip ran on July 12, 1982.
Last week’s little nonsensical mini arc placed these events in 1973. Which beady-eyed nitpicker Green Luthor pointed out was a good eight years before the video game machine they’re dueling on was even released.
Then beady-eyed nitpicker Andrew reminded us that in April 2022, Crazy Harry time traveled back to April 15, 1980. And that arc implied that Donna was yet to don her Eliminator helmet and name.
Ya know what would have been an easy fix for all of this? How’s about not giving us any dates at all? That’s the best and easiest way to get Comic Book Time to work. It’s enough to have these characters recognize that they’re in the past and give us a sense of what age they expect to find their earlier selves.
But nah, let’s just smear a bunch of incongruent dates all around with a musty old Time Mop, and blame it all on the greasy Time Bubble Bust of 2022.
The other hilarious thing I noticed is that Tom could have dropped this mini-arc on his blog less than a month from now and celebrated the anniversary of Donna and Harry meeting for the first time on the actual day. Why didn’t he do this? He has complete control over when these stories go up.
The Batiuk Works in Mysterious Ways…
Back to the very first Eliminator arc!
Here we get the bit of information that Batiuk had to retcon around, that The Eliminator’s mom called ‘him’, ‘Donald’ back in ’82, ’80, or ’73. Whenever. This is explained as just another ruse on Donna’s part. A ruse that really doesn’t make much sense.
I’m not a parent. But I know many of you are. If your child was demanding you help them conceal their gender because they juvenilely believed it was the only way they could participate in an activity they enjoyed, would you assist in that? Would you participate in upholding childish biases, or encourage your kid to make space for their true selves? I don’t know. Maybe some parents would. But I wouldn’t. I’d give my girl kick in the pants and tell her she’s not gonna change those boys’ minds without challenging their assumptions.
But Donna’s mother seems pretty submissive to play along with this elaborate charade.
Or maybe young Donna was violent and prone to tantrums…
The best part of this ‘Donald’ retcon? In the last Eliminator strip we get in her introductory month, she’s enraged that her mom calls her Donald ‘in front of the machines.’
Coming soon, more helmet-headed, hacker moppet goodness.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Ah, the fabled Eliminator semi-deep dive has come! And quite intriguing it is, seeing how throughoutly “Donald”‘s identity was constructed back in the day.
Fun seeing the arcade machine display personality; one of the prominent traits of 80s Funky to give personality to every little thing. I know the Funky Cancercancer did a gag homaging that during the peak of Act 2’s climax, so I wonder just how prevalent that remained through the years. Feels like a unique charm that would’ve worked well in even the serious days; very easy to do melodrama about the sucky life of an object.
Also shoutout to the last few days of Crankshaft bringing Pete in to introduce the new status quo of the grill explosion: he’s officially trying to outdo NASA with his “skill”. How fitting with today’s topic that it’s brought up under the umbrella of manhood-outdomanship.
I looked up the holy scriptures on Amazon. Batiuk is really proud of them. They’re only available in hardcover. Volume 1 is $45. No thanks.
Yeah, no way I would buy them. Our local library has the entire set. During Covid I read act 1 again, it was fun. Not sure I would even purchase a used copy of those editions.
I bought most of them on sale, which is why it took me so long to get them. I haven’t regretted it at all, but I am pathologically interested in the subject, and planning on blogging about it for the foreseeable future.
NOTE: I AM NOT BLOGGING ABOUT IT FOR THE NEXT FOUR DAYS. I AM GOING TO BE VISITING MY SISTER AND HER NEW SPAWN. I AM LEAVING YOU ALL IN BJ6K’s CAPABLE HANDS.
Thank you for having far more faith in me than I deserve! (Seriously, this is going to be a hard week to write about.)
Four whole days without Funky? Unimaginable!
I might pick up a later volume from the library but there are so many garbage strips that I would have to skim through it before I sign it out.
I hope someone makes hot cocoa and cookies for you.
Harriet, in honor of your sister having a child, I present the following momism:
Daaaaawwww! thank you, ians!
It’s interesting that the side art of the “Defenders” video game says “Defender”.
I think this lends credence to my theory that “Defenders” was some sort of hyper-local slang for the game or maybe even a one-time spoken typo that TB heard and just never stopped running with even though it should have been clear that next to no one ever actually called the game “Defenders”. It’s something he would do, isn’t it?
The whole bloody thing is predicated on the idea that they’d chase a girl away from the krutacking arcade console. Batiuk’s inability to be vage when it counts is secondary to this.
So, not to put too fine a point on it, which restroom did the Eliminator use back in the day?
Or does Montoni’s only have a single restroom? Somehow that seems likely.
Montoni’s probably has a single unisex bathroom
Which is for staff only. No public restroom on premises.
The bathrooms are for “Pizza Monsters” and “Non-Pizza Monsters”.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean:
Pete: This all sounds like shit. Voyager 1 has already left the solar system, and Crankshaft almost caused armageddon.
The high scores in the title panel of that last Sunday strip:
77,542,923 The ‘Eliminator’ (if Twin Galaxies is to be believed, this would indeed have been the world record score in Defender in 1982 by about 2 million points)
43,238,109 CH (Crazy Harry, of course)
22,671,984 TMB (Thomas Martin Batiuk, I think this is a cute Easter Egg actually)
10 DH or OH (Who could this be and why wasn’t it Les instead?)
When it comes to classic video game records, Twin Galaxies is very much to be believed.
I’m impressed that TB apparently either looked up the Defender record with Twin Galaxies or just made a humdinger of a guess… even with the greater expectations of effort that one would expect from Act I FW.
I picked up the first 3 volumes over the last few years on eBay when not too expensive. My vol 1 is autographed with a drawing of Funky and my vol 2 is autographed with a drawing of Dinkle. That are all fun to read because I like act 1.
Attention SoSF staff. The intervention for Harriet is scheduled for noon Friday, in the conference room. The water has been turned off again, so bring your own. No donuts either. And the bathrooms are locked, so go before you get there. We just want to step in before her compulsion goes too far. It’s all very hush-hush, so no blabbing.
No water, no food, no bathrooms — and yet somehow still a better venue than Montoni’s.
I’m not a staff member, resigned a while ago, but I do still have some of the flares. Oh! And a bonus glitter packet (handed out when I was hired).
The key card company repo-ed the lock, so just walk right in. The cameras are fake, and that security guard is just inflatable. We ordered it on Temu.
A question about your first image. The back of the thing your avatar is reading states, “Readers rave about Funky Winkerbean and Tom Batiuk”? What publication was that from? One of the Complete Winkerbean tomes?
I very much want to meet these FW/TB “ravers”, as don’t believe they actually exist.
CBH, I would be remiss if I didn’t wish you a happy July 4th holiday. Enjoy some well-deserved time off and have fun with the little one. I have a niece and remember how thrilling it was when she was born. With a husband and a son, I always wanted a little girl to even the playing field, but it was not meant to be.
Thanks for the Eliminator themed blog. As usual, it was fun.
Dad has/had a younger brother named Donald. For decades we knew him as “Uncle Don”. Then one day out of the blue, he wanted us to start referring to him as “Uncle Donald”. I have two brothers. My older brother joked, “I guess that makes us ‘Huey’, ‘Dewey’ and ‘Louie’.” Then we proceeded to talk like Donald Duck around him for much of his visit. “Gee, Unca Donald.” He obviously didn’t think that one through. Good times.
Yup, it’s the back of The Complete Funky Winkerbean Volume 2 or 3.
Hate to be popping some of Batiuk balloons, but Crazy Harry’s failure to recognize Donna in Captain Ez’s has somewhat always bothered me. Crazy Harry never saw photos of Donna as a child? Furthermore, she standing right by the entrance. He has to walk right past her to exit the store. Even her T-shirt is similar to the one The Eliminator wore.
I’ve seen numerous photographs of my husband when he was growing up. Years and years of school portraits and family photos. I’m damned sure I’d recognize him.
It never crossed Time-traveling Harry’s mind that he might encounter Donna? To me, it should have crossed his mind a hell of a lot sooner than buying a silly comic book.
It’s before the two met in Winkerbean time, so according to Batiukian logic there’s no way for Crazy Harry to recognize Donna, his wife? 🤷♀️
I still want to know why Timemop couldn’t find his lost time helmet when he knew who took it, and that person routinely wore it to the most prominent location in town. He sure didn’t look very hard.
The most prominent place in town… that they said he ate lunch at EVERY DAY.
(Really. Funky says Harley ate there every day in the November 3 2022 strip. The November 25 strip identifies his “temporal phase shifter” as the Eliminator helmet. I don’t think Batiuk really thought this whole thing through.)
A commenter here suggested that Timemop was such a doofus the powers that be sent him to Westview, where he’d do the least amount of damage.
I wish I could remember who deserves the credit.
I think that Timemop didn’t care that Donna had it, under the condition that Donna didn’t fuck up the timeline
Sherlock SP here:
“I’ve seen numerous photographs of my husband when he was growing up.”
After all these years conversing with BWOEH, a revelation hit me right between the eyes. She is a woman and has a husband. Of course, she also is brilliant. (So for figuring it out, I must be getting there also. This places me as one of the most smarter on the planet!)
Crazy Harry is even dumber than I thought. Checking the SoSF blog archive, the linked April 20th strip shows the buffoon standing right next to Donna at the spinner rack.
I still don’t understand why a confectionary in the 1980s would have a classic comic book from the 1960s in the spinner rack. It’s called “writing”.
Hot Belgian waffles, CBH! It took me nearly 24 hours to realize you were quoting Grunkle Stan and had plastered book covers over the Journals in your post! Two thumbs up for the “Gravity Falls” reference!
July 2 was also the 39th anniversary of the original Back to the Future. So good title reference there.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
The Daily Bleak
Local Elderly Fat Fuck Gets Firework Exploded Up His Ass And Sent To Hospital After Disastrous Firework-Grill Accident, Whole Thing Was Filmed And Posted On Youtube, Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, WordPress, FANDOM, You Guessed It, Every Fuckin’ Social Media Website Known to Man
Happy American Independence Day/Fourth Of July!
How can consumer-grade fireworks even ignite a grill?
It’s called writing, you beady-eyed nitpicker!
Still Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Pete: ED, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! NOW THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD IS ON FIRE!
“Begun, The Burnings have.”
LEST WE FORGET
What a country:
Free enterprise
Freedom of speech
Property rights
Rule of law
Innocent until proven guilty
Government based on a written constitution
Orderly transition of power
What a country!
USA! USA!
1 trillion internet points to you!
The greatest FW Sunday strip of all time. It will never not be hilarious.
“If your child was demanding you help them conceal their gender because they juvenilely believed it was the only way they could participate in an activity they enjoyed, would you assist in that?”
I’m just imaging my sons, all big muscular sportos, trying to pass as girls. At any point in their lives.
Thanks. I needed that laugh.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Whenever I hear a siren, I’m on the verge of shitting myself because I immediately assume that something horrible will happen
Related to The Batiukverse: What I Think How Tall The Characters Are
You okay, cs? You’re actually praising the strip! ;D
Everyone points out that “All the hot girls in Archie comics look the same except for their hairstyles.” No one points out that “And every person in Riverdale is the exact same height.” Excluding Moose and Ethel who are tall, and occasionally Midge being drawn like she’s 5’3. How do you get the name “Midge” without it being a nickname based on being short, like a midget? I had an aunt everyone called “Flea” because she was that small.
Also, and I have no evidence for this, but Moose and Midge are together because they’re gay and trying to pretend they aren’t. Moose isn’t jealous, he just has a lot of inchoate rage over how society treats them. Okay, Reggie, he’s pretty punchable anyway.
You think all those dudes are over 6 feet tall? All those women are over 5’9? Do you think Westview’s inhabited by a race of Supermen? The average American man’s 5’9. Woman’s 5’4.
I’m 6’4 and I rarely come across a dude taller than me. If I were to wander into Montoni’s in their heyday, I’d be hanging out at about the 50th percentile.
I have second cousins who are 6’6 female twins and it’s otherworldly being around them. I went to college with a 6’8 guy and literally everyone knew about him because of how tall he was. It’s literally strange being in their presence due to their size. If this is for some project, I’d heartily suggest aiming lower.
And yet again, people are caught flatfooted by something that should make Ed nationally notorious.
If he was real, Ed would turn up in a Cracked.com article within days.
If he were real, the Home Owners Association would bust down the door and wheel in a guillotine.
Last Fall Comic Book Harriet mentioned she subscribed to Tom Batiuk’s newsletter (so we wouldn’t have to). Out of curiosity, I signed up for the newsletter too. In the nine months since I subscribed, TB has put out six newsletters. One newsletter was for the Holidays, but mostly they’re to announce book releases, and book signing events. A couple newsletters mentioned merchandise for sale, like books and the Crankshaft grilling stuff.
Isn’t it a little strange that TB didn’t send out a newsletter to announce he was putting out new content on his eponymous website? Something he promised to do when Funky Winkerbean ended?
If eagle-eyed Banana Jr. 6000 hadn’t seen the announcement up on Batiuk’s blog, how long would it have been before someone else here noticed?
It just seems odd that TB goes through all the trouble to obtain/hire outside help from Rick Burchett and Rob Ro to produce a week of new content, and then makes no announcement whatsoever to promote it. TB certainly moves in mysterious ways.
Just curious, did any of the Tom Batiuk defenders on GoComics Crankshaft mention the new ‘Funky Winkerbean’s Untold Tales’ content? Were they even aware of it?
Does anyone think the GoComics Crankshaft finger-waggers are actually fans of TB? Or do they just like to scold because “snarking is mean”?
Definitely the latter. Sunday’s 06/30 strip had zero snark across 90+ comments within the first full day of posting. It was nothing special but it also was not bad in the way that makes the majority of post Act III Crankshaft bad.
Despite that, there was still at least one person who came on that Sunday to say “the haters will never be satisfied”, choosing to remain steadfastly ignorant of the complete absence of hate on that day. Other posters who commonly complain about snark and directly state insults to snarkers had nothing to say that day. On that day, the finger-waggers got exactly what they plead for every day, and that was still not good enough for them. And, as you were indirectly hinting at, nobody, not one person, has mentioned this week’s new FW content there. Not one.
Yet again, the only thing that I think is appropriate to say in summary is that the well has been poisoned. And again, I also think it is worth saying that Tom Batiuk has exactly the audience which he deserves, beyond having literally no audience at all.
A Crankshaft comic that resulted in no snark? No way!
Aw, shucks, you forced me to break my oath and take a look. The June 30th Crankshaft looks suspiciously like a Chuck Ayers’ comic from years ago. Instead of their usual copying and pasting, did Batiuk and Davis copy and paste an entire Ayers strip and put their names on it? Shame!
I find the finger-waggers behavior amusing. They come to read the Crankshaft discussion every day for god knows what reason and get upset when commenters are snarking on it. Did they expect dozens of readers to abandon their snarking habits over night? As they like to say, “lol.”
A (very) small part of me feels sad for TB. He had two decent gag-a-day strips and that could have been his legacy. There would have been no shame in that. Instead, he ventured into the territory of serious drama where he had no experience, no training, and no skills. TB became a target of ridicule and scorn. As Harry Callahan famously said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.” He should have retired when Funky Winkerbean ended, if not sooner.
His blogs are odd. Like he’s blogging for the man in the mirror. If you happen check out the website and read a blog, good for you, but he’s not writing for your benefit. He’s a nowhere man writing his nowhere blog for nobody.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Get used to it, Mopey McMopester
Related to the Batiukverse: My choice for voices for the characters
Harry L. Dinkle: Patrick Warburton
Whaaat? No. I see Dinkle as having a much more grating voice. Something like latter-day George C. Scott.