Yep, they’re a thing now. How long until Crankshaft is nothing but comic book covers? And how many years will that go on before the strip is cancelled?
Last week was the final full week of October, which means it was the Pizza Box Monster’s time to shine! He showed up on cue and… existed. Pete, Mindy, Darrin, and the PBM talked about decorating and telling ghost stories, but didn’t do either of those things. They also didn’t deal with the power outage, which seems like a serious problem for Montoni’s. Spoiled product cuts into a restaurant’s “thin crust profit margins.” But they sat in the dark and played make-believe like the overgrown nine-year-olds they are. It’s been a year since Pete and Mindy bought the restaurant, and they’ve done nothing but decorate it for holidays (and that’s if you count last week). What was the point of closing Montoni’s or re-opening it?
Then on Sunday, the Burnings story… well, I don’t want to say it “ended”, but I guess it’s done smirking at itself. What is Lillian so pleased about? She did absolutely nothing. Telling people they’re on camera is of no value if you’re not going to do anything with the evidence. Such as, give it to the police so they can identify and arrest the arsonist. The arson footage must exist, because there’s no way someone mounted that camera after the fire but before the protestors, which were implied to happen on the same night. Or, investigate them yourself, something an award-winning mystery writer should know a thing or two about.
Unlike what Tom Batiuk thinks, there’s nothing courageous about reading a book to people you know will never attack you. This is what happens when a story starts with “let my preferred character be the hero of a controversial issue so I can win an award” and then tries to back-form a narrative that leads up to that. The whole story makes zero sense. All the “protestors” had to was report the book to the school board, or maybe just to principal Nate (who was depicted as wanting to obey the school board). All Lillian or Booksmellers had to do was call the police, because nothing about this justifies an arson attack. Again, why is this treated so casually?
At the peak of the stupidity, there were almost 20 people total on Lillian’s lawn, protesting for something that already exists, or counter-protesting for… something, I guess. You sure wouldn’t know what the counter-protestors wanted from their signs. Ban bans! Ban gensor! Words have power! It’s like they were all told to assemble and make signs but weren’t told why. Look at their faces. They all say “I don’t know why I’m here, but I’m really, really angry at you!”
And finally, there’s the small matter of “The Burnings” somehow being a major phenomenon that shut down literacy for two generations. The Village Booksmith “survived the Burnings” by virtue of the fire being too small to cook marshmallows.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Why, for that matter, is Centerville said to be the outskirts of anything? How did this forgettable non-event, this tribute to the “goes nowhere, does nothing” ethos of the strip get the inflated reputation it has?
At the time, you could make the argument that after the apocalypse, Centerville became the outskirts of whatever major population shift occurred. Now that we know the apocalypse was a misdemeanor brush fire, that’s absurd, but it’s also one of the smallest problems with the story.
As it stands, it looks as people only believe it happened because it was reported as being worse than it was in Summer’s book.
I think of Lisa as the Funkyverse’s Christ figure. Martyred horribly, but forgave the ones who killed her. Left instructions for those left behind.
Using this analogy, Les and Summer are apostles. Summer wrote the Gospels (aka Westview) under the guidance of the Holy Spirit (aka Harley, aka TimeMop).
Future Lisa acolytes, like modern Christians, tend not to focus on the nuts and bolts of details (what kind of wine did Christ change the water to? Chardonnay or Merlot?).
They read in the Holy Book that there were “burnings” that remade the entire world. That is sufficient.
The only other option is that a dough-head couldn’t handle his child surpassing him.
The Funkyverse has a Christ figure, but it’s not Lisa.
It’s Les.
Anything Les does is completely beyond question. He’s also considered the greatest writer in a world were writing is the most noble and elite skill – even higher than comic book creation. And Les’ oh-so-profound “suffering” is central to him gaining the ability to be a great writer. Remember, he had a failed book first; he had to suffer before he could become successful.
Lisa is nothing. Lisa is a plot enabler. Lisa’s own feelings and suffering are are unimportant. She’s not Jesus; she’s Les’ cross.
It’s taken me a lifetime to understand that most people value taking the “right” stands and saying the “right” platitudes more than execution.
It’s apparent from the comments of his supporters that just saying, “Censorship is bad! Good guys like us hate censorship!” is more than enough, even if the comic never makes the slightest attempt to tell a coherent story, let alone define “censorship” or explain why it’s bad.
The intent was never to persuade or enlighten. The intent was to invite praise.
And it worked! Tom said the good thing, he’s good, I gave him backpats so I’m good, we’re all good, yay us! [all smirk furiously]
Doing things just gets people in trouble.
Good lord.
It’s significant that TB used Sunday’s strip for something that only needed two or three panels (and ideally no panels, as it was wholly unnecessary)….
And then ran a comix cover on Monday.
Note no “tip of the Funky felt tip” to any artist? That’s because Davis drew this. That means TB either couldn’t or wouldn’t pay one of his usual artists to draw the thing.
Wonder why?
I also wonder how Derwood managed to get that level of detail, and color, on a cocktail napkin, the least viable drawing surface in the universe.
And as predicted, none of the promised “ghost stories.” Just a retread of the Mary Shelley story referenced at the beginning. Which is odd, because numerous ghosts have appeared in FW and CS as part of the regular narrative.
In the Batiuk Method of storytelling, drawing the comic book cover is literally the first thing you do when making a story. You don’t make a rough draft or an outline or a plot synopsis, you just get right to work on the cover. Because the cover is what sells it, you see. And besides, all the information you need is built in: “Frankenstein vs Pizza Monster!” That’s the story, duh! What else do you need to know? Better buy it while it’s still in Gem Mint condition!
NB: Using the Batiuk Method, if you’re specifically creating a comic book story, the ONLY thing you do is draw the cover. That’s it. Your story is complete, your work is done. On to the next story!
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Darin: Pete, What the hell is happening outside?
(Pete peeks outside and sees Les Moore fighting some man with elf-like ears and in a green tunic, and then the man puts on a mask and turns into a giant version of himself with silver hair and then pummels Les into paste)
Crankshaft opens Monday with Frankenstein. I know that’s not the monster’s name, but what else would you call him? Great movie by the way. That scene where he is playing with the little girl by the pond. Very much psychologically scary.
That movie made me think of horror movies that I would recommend. Now horror is not my forte. I get too easily grossed out by blood and guts. Then psychotic scenes stay in my mind for weeks. So I am not horror’s target audience.
1. But my favorite is *Werewolf in London*. Good script. Good actors. Great special effects.
2. Any of the Universal monster films. One surprising bit of trivia: Bela Lugosi stars in only 2 films as Dracula. Yet he is the Country forever in people’s mind.
3. Anonymous Sparrow,
My last recommendation is for your attention.
*The Black Sleep* 1956. Get a load of these actors:
Basil Rathbone
Bela Lugosi
Herbert Rudley
John Carradine
Akim Tamiroff
Lon Chaney jr.
and Tor Johnson
4. Hats off to Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. So well written!
SP:
Many thanks for the recommendation! I’ve been watching “North to Alaska” way too many times on the computer Sing, Boggs, sing!
In a scene cut from the 1931 “Frankenstein,” Henry (not Victor!) Frankenstein gave a name to his creation when it came to life.
It was “Adam.”
Sit monstrum!
(And then a new age of gods and monsters, befitting the toast of Dr. Pretorius in “Bride of Frankenstein.”)
Akim Tamiroff gets name-checked in J.D. Salinger’s “Uncle Wiggily in Connecticut. (Which became a movie called “My Foolish Heart,” which so displeased Salinger that he resolved never again to let a movie be made from one of his works.)
Herbert Rudley has a small part in “The Young Lions” as Captain Colclough. I’m hoping that Film Forum’s centennial series for Marlon Brando will show it at a time I can catch it. (Brando, Clift, Rudley, Dean Martin and Maximilian Schell? Who could ask for anything more…unless it would be for Barbara Rush, Hope Lange and May Britt?)
Lillian’s book club, please note: Montgomery Clift’s character in “The Young Lions” is reading *Ulysses* as he undergoes basic training. This may not make things more difficult for him, but it doesn’t make them any easier.
I can’t think of that scene in Frankenstein (1931) where the monster is playing with the little girl by the pond without thinking of the similar scene in Young Frankenstein.
Little Girl: Oh dear. Nothing left. What shall we throw in now?
Peter Boyle, as the monster, looks at the camera and gives a knowing smile. Classic!
The monster doesn’t throw the little girl in the water after all.
While looking up the Young Frankenstein quote, I discovered Teri Garr (Inga) died today. I loved her German accent in the film. Saddened to read her passing.
Be Ware of Eve Hill,
My favorite example of Teri Garr acting is the film *Mom and Dad Save the World*. It just has everything. If you have seen this film you will recognize this quote: “I think we going to need some reinforcements out here.” If you haven’t, it streams on MAX.
No Boris Karloff?
When my family lived in Massachusetts, my dad was alone in the breezeway between the house and the garage, watching a Boris Karloff movie, Isle of the Dead, on a 19-inch black-and-white TV. It was the mid-1960s. Suddenly, he felt something touch his neck which frightened him, and caused him to quickly scramble into bed.
The following morning, Mom and Dad theorized a breeze blew the leaves of a plant, which brushed the back of Dad’s neck. Of course, it was Mom who told us that tale.
I’ve seen Isle of the Dead. We had to see the movie that terrorized Dad. Dad wasn’t really a fan of horror movies. Isle of the Dead is a claustrophobic tale of superstition and death. I think you would like it. Please consider the film my suggestion.
Be Ware of Eve Hill,
It will scare me to death, but I will watch *Isle of the Dead* just for you.
As a kid, my Dad saw Frankenstein in the theater. It scared him so bad, he was afraid to walk in front of alley ways. He was afraid something would jump out and grab him.
My personal “Boris Karloff” experience: in the early ‘60’s, Boris hosted an anthology show called *Thriller*. That show terrified me. When the creepy music started building, I had to turn away until the music died down. My grandkids follow the same habit. One episode was my worst experience. This guy at the end gets sucked into a ghost world that is only seen in a mirror! Creepy! Crawly! Years later, I find out the guy is William Shatner, and the ghost is Donna Douglas. (Word has it that you have more than a passing resemblance to her!)
One of my earliest Ohio memories was watching The Hoolihan and Big Chuck Show at one of my parents friends’ house. Our fathers were coworkers at one of the major rubber companies in Akron. Their home was just a few houses down the lane. It was great being able to stay up so late on a Friday night. I was 6 years old.
The featured movie was a Roger Corman movie featuring Boris Karloff titled, Die, Monster, Die! I slept with the covers over my head that night.
Mr. bwoeh and I love the old suspense and thriller anthology series like The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, and Alfred Hitchcock Presents. TV shows that relied on good writing. I wonder if we can stream Thriller somewhere.
Re-watching some Twilight Zone episodes is an annual Halloween rite for me, in lieu of more modern horror movies. It can be genuinely scary, for certain values of scary. It’s not gory or violent, but can be existentially discomforting. This year I’ve re-watched Living Doll (the Talky Tina episode), Nothing In The Dark (with Robert Redford), both Shatner episodes, Eye Of The Beholder, #12 Looks Just Like You, What You Need, and of course, Time Enough At Last.
Channel Awesome’s series reviewing every single episode of the original TZ completes this year. It’s a good place to start with the series, and they hide the spoilers if you’d rather watch the episode yourself. Which you can do on Paramount. The first 8 episodes are free, and that includes some good ones.
Be Ware of Eve Hill,
Anonymous Sparrow,
I submit for your approval 2 special examples of a current twilight zone.
1. I just washed dishes and sat down to write this post, and said, “Where is my phone! Did I leave it in the kitchen? I will get it later.” It was in my hand the entire time. I was listening to music on my phone. I was waving my hand with the phone around as I spoke out loud to myself. (There is no hope for me!)
2. A special type of twilight zone: seeing actors as mature people in movies throughout your life and then suddenly seeing them as they started out playing teenagers. For example:
…Frank Sutton from Gomer Pyle playing a young punk in *the Fugitive*.
…Pat Hingle and Ben Gazarra playing adolescents from a 1957 film, *the Strange One*.
…I believe Walter Brennan was born eternally old. I saw him as a young man in *Northwest Passage* with Spencer Tracy and Robert Young. He looked ancient.
Banana Jr. 6000:
We used to love the Twilight Zone marathons on Syfy during the holidays. It really filled up the DVR.
I’m sure @Sorial Promise knows the previously mentioned Donna Douglas starred in the TZ episode Eye Of The Beholder.
We have streaming devices and TVs, but have never subscribed to Paramount+. We ought to. I know Mr. bwoeh would love to see the Star Trek programs. He’d have a lot of catching up to do.
Are the Twilight-Tober Zone Compilations on YouTube the same program you are referring to?
Sorial Promise:
Well, I’m not that bad… yet. The other night, I came down from the den to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Yes, our den is on the second floor as we have no basement. After I made the tea, I looked at some mail, reading some of the election candidate and ballot issue postcards. I grabbed some grapes and went back upstairs, forgetting about the tea. “Where the heck did I put my tea?” The answer was still on the stove. 🤦♀️
I’ve seen the TZ episode The Fugitive but didn’t recognize Frank Sutton. “Move it, Pyle! Move it! Move it! Move it!”
Mr. bwoeh and I watched Empire of the Sun not too long ago, starring an adolescent Christian Bale. It was kind of freaky.
I know people say Walter Brennan was a great character actor, but much like your beloved Owen Wilson, I feel that Walter portrays every role the same way.
Be Ware of Eve Hill,
Frank Sutton was in the David Jansen series the *Fugitive*. “ The Other Side of the Mountain”.
Regarding Walter Brennan, watch his Oscar movies:
1. *Come and Get It* with Edward Arnold and Frances Farmer acting in a dual role. You will hear the melody to Presley’s “Love me Tender”.
2. *Sergeant York* with Gary Cooper based on a true WW1 American hero.
3. *the Westerner* with Gary Cooper. Brennan steals the movie.
4. *Kentucky* with Loretta Young. ((Another actress you bear a striking resemblance)
5. *Hangmen also Die* no Oscar. Great thriller. WW2 Czechoslovakia. Vicious Nazi assassinated.
Brian Donlevy has to escape. Powerful film based unfortunately upon a true story.
6. *My Darling Clementine* Wyatt Earp. Old man Clanton. Doc Holliday. Has the greatest western quote of all time: “When you pull a gun, kill a man!”
I thought I cured you of your resistance to Owen Wilson! (An actor for our time!)
Sorial Promise:
Out of those movies I’ve seen, Sergeant York, The Westerner, and My Darling Clementine.
Walter Brennan played a lot of roles in comedies and dramas. Some with a lot of depth, but it was always in the same hick manner.
Cured of my resistance to Owen Wilson? Nah, I think Owen Wilson doesn’t get his nose fixed because it distracts people from seeing what a mediocre actor he is.
Also, his nose is a distinguishing feature.
Person #1: Have you seen that new movie with Owen Wilson?
Person #2: Who?
Person #1: You know, the blond guy with the broken nose.
Person #2: Oh, right. Broken-nose guy.
Much like Owen’s nose, Walter Brennan’s most recognizable attribute was his hick presentation.
SP:
“Thriller” inspired a comic-book: Boris Karloff: Tales of Mystery. It outlasted the TV series (1960-62) and Karloff himself (he died in 1969).
Stephen King looks at “Thriller” in his Danse Macabre consideration of horror, but doesn’t mention “The Hungry Glass” episode you cited. Nor does he mention William Shatner’s other episode, “The Grim Reaper.”
The ones he singles out include “Yours Truly, Jack the Ripper,” “Pigeons from Hell” and “A Wig for Miss Devore.”
Ida Lupino directed nine “Thrillers,” in comparison to one “Twilight Zone.”
Has “The Twilight Zone” ever been referenced in any of Tom Batiuk’s three strips?
That comic book cover is terrible. Mainly because it shows Pizza Box guy essentially being thrashed by the Monster, short-circuiting any possible suspense about what might happen inside the magazine. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone as thoroughly beaten. The character has been utterly humiliated and we aren’t even past the cover.
Sure is a mystery why Marvel and DC both failed to give Batiuk the career he thought he deserved.
Can you imagine if they had?! Pizza Box Monster joining The Great Lakes Avengers, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!
It would be peace guiding the planets, love steering the stars, something even more wonderful than whatever Summer Moore’s book brought into being.
It would be proof that Mighty Marvel was on the Move Again and that Phase III of the Marvel Age of Comics was upon us.
(Marvel announced “Phase II” on the cover of Astonishing Tales #25 in 1974.)
It would have warmed the heart of the Klingon Kor, if not that of Captain Kirk:
(“Errand of Mercy,” which aired the same day — March 23, 1967 — as the “Flop Goes the Joker” episode of “Batman.” I leave the last word to the admirable Alfred:
It’s like the setup of a joke about comic books. Comic book covers are notorious for overselling scenes that aren’t in the story, especially when it puts the hero in peril. It’s the kind of poking-fun-at-the-medium joke that’s common to comic book crossovers. But Tom Batiuk is completely incapable of such a joke, because comic books are SERIOUS BUSINESS.
So what *is* happening in this cover? Frankenstein is punching Pizza Box Monster towards the reader, as if Frankenstein punched PBM in the back of the head. Which makes more sense than it should; that pizza box getup must be impossible to move around in. I figured Frankenstein ran out of patience while PBM was turning around to face him. Parallel-parking a tank would be faster.
But the cover has no movement lines, no grawlixes, no BOOMs or POWs to indicate action, and no dialog to set the scene. It’s completely static. I can’t believe I’m asking this, but: has Tom Batiuk ever SEEN a comic book cover before? Comic book covers have action and dialog! They cut to an important scene! They’re dishonest as hell, but I get that they’re trying to sell you a story. Batiuk seems to have no clue of this function.
Sheesh, I still think this is good. At least it’s a joke!
Can we say Crankshaft is the new FW? I think Batty was mad that FW was cancelled and so now he is just bringing the crap everyone hated from FW over to Centerville.
I also think that Josh the comics curmudgeon is in bed with Tom. No comments on Crankshaft? Eh, it’s better when Uncle Lumpy runs the page.
It’s weird because Josh truly followed FW. Why’s he not following its inbred cousin? CS is FW now.
But he does that. One day, he just said he wasn’t reading Luann anymore, and if he had a reason, I don’t recall what it was. Maybe because the entire deGroot family is as boring as cold oatmeal, which is why Luann isn’t in her own strip now? Yet he reads Marvin, Family Circus and Crock. You couldn’t pay me to read those, but Josh is getting paid.
Josh wastes too much space on Dennis the menace, Hi and Lois, and Slylock Fox.
I believe it’s because Crankshaft is not available to Josh for prior review in advance of the publication date. Josh works several days ahead, and while he could do that with FW, he can’t with Crankshaft. So as I guess he doesn’t want to get up at 5 AM to craft a 6 AM Crankshaft commentary, there’s no Crankshaft content on his site.
With Luann, he actually explained at one point that the strip just got to be such a chore to read he couldn’t stomach it anymore — and that he’s much happier now no longer reading the strip at all. I assume it’s the same with 9 Chickweed Lane.
I agree that the Comics Curmudgeon site is much better served when it encompasses a broad range of comics. The continued over-reliance on the same handful of strips renders the site sometimes as tedious as the strips themselves. Josh is a funny guy, but it can be a long, long time between posts that point out something new or surprising.
That this site, focusing on ONE strip, manages to avoid that trap is a testament to the writing skills of CBH, BJr6K, and the people who post here. (And, I suppose to the Grand Canyon-sized gap between Tom Batiuk’s narrative ambition and his actual narrative achievements — a continuing source of wonder and amusement.)
“I believe it’s because Crankshaft is not available to Josh for prior review”
I forgot that! You are 100% right. He dumped a lot strips that went from CK to GC. He only does King strips now.
When Josh was off on vacation or sabbatical or whatever, Uncle Lumpy filled in and did do at least one (maybe two?) entries about Crankshaft.
I think it’s got to do with Josh moving to LA several years ago to pursue a career as a writer and/or standup comic. Being in the Pacific time zone, he would have to get up around two in the morning to catch the strips as they dropped and compose his blog in time for East Coast readers to see it in the morning. KFS lets him read them in advance (he sometimes posts the next day’s entry by mistake, so we know he gets to see at least two days ahead), so he now focuses exclusively on those strips.
Which, I agree, makes him a lot less entertaining. Hope the writing and comedy are doing better than the blog!
Uncle Lumpy’s latest run really hit all the bases and reminded me of the glory days of the Curmudgeons blog.
I understand Josh wanting to be several days ahead (very Batiukian) but Lumpy managing for a couple of weeks really pointed out how limited and frankly lazy the main work has become. I don’t remember where Lumpy is but as i infer from the first comments Luann (and i assume the other GoComics) is posted midnight EST, which would be a leisurely 9pm PST.
(To be honest real syndication company would just give him access to increase interest.)
Anyway I always appreciate the posters here are at least putting in effort, which is more than i can credit Batiuk, Davis, or now even Josh.
So true! The quality of the commentary far exceeds that on Josh’s site. I think Josh can be funny too but lately his page has been boring, save for when he discusses Mary Worth.
I wonder if any of those complainers on GC that love Crankshaft (while never telling us why they do) ever browse this site. Their heads must spin or more likely they wave their hand and dismiss us being a bunch of kooks.
Harriet and I can also no longer preview upcoming Crankshaft strips. Personally, I don’t see this as much of an obstacle. We can’t have posts ready to go the day the strip does anymore, but this slower response time doesn’t seem to bother readers at all. It is a factor in why we do weekly commentary instead of daily ones now. (‘We are not a Crankshaft blog’ is honestly a bigger factor.)
While there’s obvious snark to be had that beyond Mindy this new holiday-themed arc has completely nothing to do with quiescencial Crankshaft tropes, I do find it amusing that after a very basic/rushed setup for the premise of “candlelight storytelling,” any promise of at least an amusing set of strips like the Pizza Box monster stories of old have been replaced with the tropes of the comic-“funky felt tip” ‘tributes”.
This really isn’t beating the years-old snark that Batiuk’s intrigue for the comic creation process doesn’t go beyond imagining creators shoot the shit in the mythical office “bullpen” and drawing the covers he loves to showcase as his sole recommendation for books new and old. He’s created two companies worth of comic mythology for the Funkyverse and yet all we have to be intrigued by that is a handful of characters in moments we can’t even judge as honest since it’s a homage to the “Superdicery” era when the Silver Age creators made up plots to go with whatever insanity the cover artists drew. A consistent bit of surface-level showcasing of the industry he continues to enshrine, even when he still finds time to critique by saying his Bendis-level writer character doesn’t even trust the industry can sustain his career anymore.
One last point about the Burnings: none of the protestors have names. That’s how you can tell this is no-stakes. Batiuk won’t even so much as have Ed’s other next-door neighbors* be involved with this thing. He invests nothing. Some stories give you brother-against-brother, but for the Burnings, you don’t even get two characters who don’t like one another in the first place-against-each other.
*who have names, but I don’t remember them. The Strivers?
Since you’re bringing it up, there’s another aggravating aspect.
You or I may not agree with any given school board’s decisions, or with people who protest those decisions. But any sane person should agree that parents deserve the right to have input into what their child learns.
Parents have a real stake in their children’s education. Lillian has no stake in it, is a childless old woman who will never live to see the current generation grow up and run the world, and should butt the hell out with her irrelevant “OK Boomer” takes.
(Replying to myself to acknowledge that Lillian is not a Boomer. She’s either “Greatest Generation” (1901-27) or “Silent Generation” (1928-45).
But her creator is the OK Boomerest Boomer that ever Boomed a Boom, so I think the moniker fits.
Replying to myself again because on rereading this, I realize it comes across as ageist. I myself was born in the first year of Gen X, so I’m almost an honorary Boomer, and I’m married to an actual Boomer.
It ain’t the age, it’s the bossy-pants “we know best” mentality. To be fair, it’s distributed across dolts of all ages and ideologies. But LizLil is a real shining example.
Their names are Chase and Morgan Lambert.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, like JP Morgan Chase, amirite? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, SO FUNNY!!!
And “Lambert” like… I dunno, Lamborghini? Either way, they are RICH, so they have the name of a BANK!
HAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that Tom!
At least today Tom is self-aware as he steals, jokelessly, from Charles Schulz.
Since there were to be no “ghost stories,” and nothing was to be “written,” why didn’t Pete say, “Let’s come up with comic concepts featuring the Pizza Monster” instead of “Let’s write ghost stories”?
I mean, as BJr6K and others have pointed out, the comic covers were the whole point. Why the fake-out?
Also, the drawings were clearly done in Illustrator, complete with pasted-in company logo, but are shown as having been scrawled on a cocktail napkin with, presumably, a ball-point pen or whatever is available to write with in a pizzeria.
What a hack. What a godawful, wretched hack.
Perhaps what Pete meant by “ghost stories” was that the stories themselves are supposed to be dead.
Or that we showed up expecting stories but got ghosted… again.
“the drawings were clearly done in Illustrator, complete with pasted-in company logo”
A ball point would rip a napkin. A felt tip would bleed all over it. Either would look like shit if done by candlelight, and how could it be colored? A handy box of Crayola 64?
So, logically, it must be done on a computer in a store with no power. I suppose it could be done on a laptop, but one would think that its power’s at about 6% now…Wait, no he’s holding a piece of paper. Given its color and his look of horror, did he just realize Pete fetched this from soaking in the urinal?
At least Sally Forth acknowledges the fourth wall. Tom waves a mop at it.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
So Peanuts is a comic strip in the Batiukverse, but Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt exist as real people according to this Funky Winkerbean strip below from 2003
I’m gonna stop thinking about it
Did Dinkle try to recruit Mrs. Brown for the community band after she opened her mouth and trombone notes came out?
This is also keeping in mind we later see Les and Summer watch A Charlie Brown Christmas wholesale in an Act 3 Sunday strip, or when Crankshaft paid tribute to Schutlz’s birthday just by namedropping “Charlie Brown snowflakes”. It makes about as much sense as the “Dick Tracy > that time they implied their character was a Batman villain’s brother” connection says to the Funkyverse DC comics, really.
That Sunday strip where Les and Summer basically repeat the dialogue brings to mind an old adage, “Never reference a superior product in your own.”
Wait… “Mrs. Brown”? Charlie Brown always went by his first and last names? For some reason I always thought “Charlie Brown” was a two-part first name, like “Mary Sue,” not a first and last name. I’m gonna have to lie down for a while.
This is the 2nd arc in a row that was a tremendous buildup to literally nothing. Why spend a week promising ghost stories, and then give us vaguely Halloween-themed comic covers? Why not just have PBM appear, and have Boy Lisa say “I’m gonna draw you before you disappear again! Into your spooky lair in a strip-mall store front where you do Silent-Partnering!” And why did the power have to go off for this?
At least he didn’t get any newspaper puff pieces about a Very Important Story about a Very Important Subject. “If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now!”–Zaphod Beeblebrox, or Tom Batuik.
Ah, my friend, if only it were so. Not for nothing is he called “Puff Batty.”
https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/crankshaft-creator-tom-batiuk-tackles-book-banning-in-comic-strip-s-latest-storyline/ar-AA1pbVM6
https://www.pressreader.com/canada/ottawa-citizen/20240907/281956023152647
On the bright side, I guess at least the NY Times has finally learned to send his press releases directly to the circular file.
No, I knew about that! I meant that *this* time he didn’t commission an article “Tom Batuik, Pulitzer Nominated Author You’ve Never Heard of, Has A New Storyline. It Will ‘SCARE THE NOSE HAIRS OUT OF YOU, HOO BOY! I mean it this time!’ Swears Count Floyd.”
I still go to the Comics Curmudgeon every morning, but I will agree it isn’t what it used to be.
I think Josh is very much on the verge of turning into that which he criticizes.
Forget all the horrors of neck achingly stupid sideways comics covers made of clipart. The real nightmare of Wednesday’s strip is that apparently a massive balding skinhead is crouched behind Mopey and Minty’s seat.
As foretold in the Prophesy, Sluggo has broken loose from “Nancy” and will begin culling the feeble and degenerated strips from the Earth.
Well, now that he’s no longer fighting back for the Mac…
Holy moley, what a time capsule!
I love fan bases that manage to have a superiority complex and an inferiority complex at the same time.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Day Three of the Stupid Sideways Strips
Make the boredom stop MAKE IT STOP PLEASE
You forget the Law of Tom Continuity: Every arc must begin on a Monday, then end on a Sat or Sun. And it is but Wednesday.
“Sings”? It ain’t over until the fat ego applauds himself.
Today, Thursday: Pizza Monster vs “The Pulp”? Am I misremembering, or wasn’t TB’s monster “The Inedible Pulp”?
And they’re sitting in a comic book store quietly reading comic books.
That’s it. That’s the cover. That’s the “ghost story.”
Tune in tomorrow for more pulse-pounding Batom Comics action!
In other news: Happy Halloween, everyone!
Yes. Yes it was “The Inedible Pulp,” a knee-slapping bit of wordplay TB is proud to say he came up with in middle school.
Which is age-appropriate, but still thinking it’s brilliant when you’re in your 70s is… a bit unusual.
Here, the Pulp, as he now apparently prefers to be called, is battling the most terrifying arch-villain of all: The Comics Code!
[Side note: Isn’t it interesting that TB reviles the Code but adores the “square-jawed muscleman in tights punches baddies” era that it ushered in? And hates the dark, complex, nihilistic stories that its demise brought about?]
I keep trying to imagine a longtime CS reader and fan who never got into FW. I can’t imagine those type of readers have stayed as TB turns CS into the latest version of FW. But when did TB ever care about his audience?
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Day Four of the Stupid Sideways Strips
(sigh) Happy Halloween
Related to the Batiukverse: What I think the Batiukverse characters would dress up on Halloween
It’s amusing how the singular thing which has the most consistent negative reaction from everyone in the reading public is the vertical rotated strips. And he just keeps doing it.
Thomas Batuik, Esquire, in a fine silken shirt worn above a smoking jacket with embroidered brocades, swirling a snifter of the finest brandy one can only obtain from the richest merchants:
“The fact that the plebeian mob never shall understand the burden of the Gifted Class is shown by their refusal to understand the underlying ontological syllogism of sideways strips of imaginary komix indicates OH CRAP, SPILLED E&J ON MY BROCADES! Bring towels, wife!”
“…WIFE?!”
This week’s lackluster comic book covers in Crankshaft seem to indicate Mopey Pete and Duh-ruin haven’t improved much since their Funky Winkerbean ‘Sophomoric Sightings’ days in high school.
Comic book legends, my hiney. They suck.
This Funky Winkerbean crap in Crankshaft blows chunks. The Funky vs. the Pizza (Box) Monster in late era Funky Winkerbean was an annual feature some of us used to enjoy. Much better than whatever this atrocious stuff TB is attempting to do now. Yuk! 😝
A week of sideways comic book covers? Congratulations, TB. You have done something no cartoonist has ever done before.
You have done something no cartoonist has ever wanted to do before.
You have done something that no other cartoonist has been stupid enough to do.
Perhaps the most peculiar thing about this week’s sideways comic cover strips is the absence of the Pizza BM from the “real world” sub-panels. It’s as if, by drawing him on a napkin, MoPete removed him from the real universe and imprisoned him on the sheet of paper.
Or maybe PBM’s just smart enough to have wandered away in search of some grease when the komix-kover drawing started.
I wonder how many print newspaper readers, upset about the replacement of their favorite comic strip with Crankshaft due to the Gannett 34 deal, have complained to their newspapers about the sideways Crankshaft strips?
Upset Reader: You replaced ‘Breaking Cat News’ with Crankshaft? What is this crap? I can’t even read it. This comic strip has been sideways all week. Does the cartoonist think this is clever or cute? This is garbage. Whoever made the decision to include this comic strip should be fired. I’m thinking about canceling my subscription.
The newspaper editor is powerless and can’t pull Crankshaft because of Batty’s deal with Gannett.
Does anybody besides him even enjoy these ersatz covers? What an inconsiderate fool.
Dingus Lisa Jr., great-granddaughter of the Dead St. Lisa, called the hard copy books in The Village Booksmith “old tree copies”.🙄
I wonder if Batty calls physical (print) newspapers “old tree newspapers”?🙄🙄
Don’t be ridiculous! Tom dances around the old newspapers he keeps on the shelf, listening to them by himself! Like…like we all do! RIGHT, old newspapers I listen to? YES, newspapers? SING WITH ME, OLD NEWSPAPERS
Crankshaft is now like that house on Halloween you disliked. Instead of giving good candy, those houses gave you raisins, generic taffy or off-brand Pixy Stix.
With Batty instead of humor or a decent Pizza (Box) Monster tale, you get comic books covers and smirks.
I say we egg his house, soap his windows and TP his trees.
Tom: “Cool! Free TP and–[uses spatula to scrape the eggs off his aluminum siding]–FREE DINNER! WIFE! MAKE DINNER FROM WALL EGGS!”
“…WIFE?!”