A “Sticks Nix Hick Pix” reference? That’s the lowest form of humor…
Billy The Skink
Hey, I do my best, man. 😏
If my ongoing TBTropes series of posts was a college course, this week’s Crankshaft could be the final exam. Because this week, Tom Batiuk is putting on a master class of his worst qualities as a writer. I’ve already written a longer explanation for each of these, so I’ll be brief in recounting them.
Class, let’s start the review:
- Retconning. Retroactive continuity is not unique to Tom Batiuk. Nor is it a bad thing in principle. But Batiuk abuses the privilege. He constantly reinvents past events in the Funkyverse to make them even darker, more favorable to his current preferred characters, or for unclear reasons.
Emily’s first visit to the Centerville Sentinel started on November 18, 2024, with the explanation that she was there to do a class assignment. The week ended with Emily saying a nice goodbye to Skip, and announcing she got an A+ in the class. Okay, fine. It was a week of dreadful jokes, but harmless enough to escape this blog’s notice. Until now.
On Monday, Emily is back in Skip’s office. She is told she’s won an essay contest, a place on the front page, and a check. Wait, what? She was there for a temporary school assignment two months ago, and nothing has changed since then. This needed more exposition. Instead, we got:
- Batiuk Cut: When an edit suddenly moves the story from well before the climax to well after it, eliminating anything that might have been interesting to see.
This essay contest needed more setup. Peanuts made entire movies out of the characters entering contests against other children, and skillfully explained what the stakes were. Batiuk just cuts to the part where his preferred character wins. Or as I call it: - Booksturbation: Batiuk doesn’t even bother with writing contests anymore. He skips all that pesky tension and confict, so he can get right into the ego-stroking. Emily is now at least the 20th content creator among Funkyverse characters.
- Tell, Don’t Talk About: The joke is that “show, don’t tell” is a basic piece of writing advice, but Batiuk’s writing is so bad that telling is actually a step in the right direction. This story would have benefitted from one panel of Skip explaining what this essay contest even was, and how Emily came to be in his office again.
- Comedy Disconnect. This is when a writer sacrifices reality in a desperate attempt to get laughs, and fails to communicate ideas. Textbook example from this week:
These strips appeared four days apart. Apparently, the entire editorial philosophy of the Sentinel changed during that time. It went from small-town local newspaper to Variety magazine, complete with pithy headlines. (By the way, the original “Sticks Nix Hick Pix” headline is from 1935.)
And calling this week “an attempt to get laughs” is being extremely charitable. These aren’t jokes, but they’re not dad jokes or anti-humor either. If Bobcat Goldthwait tried to make the Metal Machine Music of comedy albums, this is what you would get. It’s a series of words that is presented as if it were comedy, but isn’t. (SEE ALSO: MacFarlane, Seth.)
- Undue Weight: Another general writing concept that Batiuk abuses. He assigns too much importance to events that don’t warrant it. The November 2023 arc was a one-week story about a high school assignment Skip just happened to play a role in. Now, Emily’s back, with the implication that she and Skip have some kind of business relationship now. Of course, none of this is explained.
- Vaudeville Week: Any week where characters set up and tell lame jokes like a 1930s comedy duo. Which this story certainly is. (If I had it to do over, I would have called these ‘locker jokes’, from the interstitial skits in the 1980s Nickelodeon show You Can’t Do That On Television.)
- Story Asserting: When Batiuk simply announces what the story is instead of actually telling it. Goes hand in hand with some of what’s listed above.
- Tonelessness: The tendency of a work to convey no exposition at all, or any information about the author’s intent. The November arc gave us no information that the Skip/Emily pairing was going to be recurring. In fact, it ended in a way that precluded that.
- Schrodinger’s Continuity: Continuity in the Funkyverse exists in an unknown state, its outcome influenced by events we cannot comprehend. This week is definitely an example of that.
And for review, here are all the other TBTropes that didn’t turn up this week:
- By The Power Of Batiuk: The character in control of any situation is the character Tom Batiuk thinks should be in control of it, not the character who actually would be. Doesn’t happen this week, because Skip is rightfully in control of this high school internship situation.
- No Oversight Whatsoever: No one in the Funkyverse may exercise any control or influence over any “good” character’s choices, even when that person is canonically that character’s superior. Again, Skip is rightly the authority here.
- Pseudoexposition: conversations between characters that resemble exposition, but perform none of the narrative functions of exposition. This week’s arc has the opposite problem; it doesn’t explain things it should.
- Jumped The Comic Book – the exact moment in a story when Tom Batiuk abandons all pretense of entertaining his readers so he can talk about comic books instead.
This actually kind of happens, if you replace “comic book cover” with “newspaper headline.” The Sticks Nix Hick Pix jokes, which appeared both this week and in November 2023, are basically Atomik Komix “the bullpen bickers about the cover” jokes. At least they’re one day instead of a whole week. - Nothingism: a turn of phrase that seems clever on the surface, but conveys no meaning or actually confuses the meaning. I recently mentioned this one in reference to one of Batiuk’s blog posts.
- Young Kids Just Starting Out Story: Any story about a young adult experiencing adult life for the first time, even if that character is old or experienced enough that these things shouldn’t be new to them. But Emily is young enough that interning at a newspaper would be a new experience for her.
- Getting To Know You After All These Years: Any story about a long-running couple making very basic discoveries about each other. Not applicable here.
- Inelegant Solution: When Tom Batiuk’s writing errors are inadvertently resolved by Tom Batiuk’s other writing errors. Doesn’t happen here.
Okay class, that’s it. Now go home and rest up for the final.
Son of Stuck Funky 
I’m still trying to figure out why in Zanzibar’s name Shining Twin #1 pretended to be Shining Twin #2. Like… what purpose did that serve, other than wasting a day or two worth of strips? So they could… record Skip saying Emily was a good writer, so he would hire her for the paper? Couldn’t Emily have done that herself? And, y’know… if he needed to hire someone, was there anyone else looking to take the job? (Highly doubtful.) Of course, given how ineptly the paper is run, would there even be a budget to hire a second person? (Also doubtful.) Was it to show that Skip is terrible at his job? We already knew that, but I don’t think Batiuk has realized it yet, so it can’t be that. So… WHY?
“what purpose did that serve, other than wasting a day or two worth of strips?”
Yes.
Tom’s Rule of The Sacred Timeline: Every story MUST begin on a Monday and end on a Saturday! Or a Sunday. Or begin on a Sunday, and last NO MORE than 1-3 weeks!
Which is garbage. Two of my faves, Brewster Rockit and Monty, will start an arc on a Tue and end it on a Thu, because 3 days of jokes are all they have, so why drag it out?
Tom’s strips have lots of padding. Remember the 2024 “Skip interviews Batton” arc? M to W were all setup, and setup that just repeated itself. “Hi! I’m me! Are you you, who I must interview?” “Why yes! Are you the you that must interview me?” “Indeed, I am!” “GIMME FREE PIZZA!” “I am here to interview famous cartoonist Watterson! Is you him?” (Batton, long pause) “…Yessss…” (Emily and Gothily wink and give him twin thumbs up)
It’s called “I have no idea about Writing, even though I’ve been doing it for 50 years.”
And then he went and did an completely unrelated strip for Saturday, thus violating his own Sacred Rules, AND making the Emily/Amelia switch even more pointless and incomprehensible than it already was. That’s Our Tom™!
Today’s strip feels like a last-second replacement. Batiuk doesn’t stop a “look what a witty writer I am” arcs to do a sports joke.
“If it’s local, it leads”, sheesh what a mess! Just miserable writing.
I think that it is supposed to call to mind “if it bleeds, it leads”, a motto used in either a cynically sneering or shamelessly pragmatic context… but it doesn’t play on either of these contexts or with the original rhyme. It doesn’t play on anything at all.
Plus, “if it’s local, it’s focal” was right there. RIGHT THERE.
Batiuk, Silver Age DC savant that he is, knows how the company’s creators at the time would often come up with a cover idea and then develop a story around said art (one editor’s obsession with gorillas on covers, thinking they sold better, led to a plethora of simian-themed tales in the late ’50s and early ’60s). This, of course, is all we ever get from Atomik Komix.
That being said, you don’t write newspaper headlines ahead of news or even feature articles, and who on Earth wants to read about people hauling their own leaves to the landfill? Also, didn’t Emily prove herself capable of writing punny headlines during her November stint, or was that now Amelia, too?
There needs to be one about lionizing and sobbing over the obviously inept. Sparky made no bones about how big a pain it could be to deal with the Blockhead’s detrimental determination but Batiuk shows us people who suck like it’s a good, heroic thing.
Bjr6K, this is just… [chef’s kiss]! Absolutely brilliant. The tropeifesto we’ve been needing. Thank you for the effort. It’s difficult to sort so much dross into distinct garbage-piles, but somehow you’ve done it.
May I suggest a couple others?
Batiuk’s Gun. I’ve mentioned this before as the inverse of Chekhov’s Gun. Chekhov’s gun dictates that “if a gun is shown in the first act, it must be fired by the third act.” Broadly: Do not introduce distracting or compelling elements that have no purpose or payoff. But TB does the opposite of this so often that it seems to be a deliberate choice. Examples: We saw Les being told by Nate, his boss, not to teach Fahrenheit 451. What happened when Les defied that order? We saw former illiterate Crankshaft resolve to read F451 because it must have value if it was censored. What did he get from the book?
No Stakes, No Sizzle. This hardly needs explanation. Rarely are there any stakes in a TB plotline. If there’s ever anything at stake, the tension is broken immediately, sometimes even in the same strip that set it up. The “Burnings” arc is, again, a great example of this. Les defies his boss’ orders! But his job is never at stake. Lillian’s store is set on fire! But it’s put out instantly and results in only a singed stairstep. Arc after arc, strip after strip, any possible tension or stakes are deliberately removed so that nothing ultimately matters to anyone in the strip, let alone to the readers.
I would call that second one Absurdly Low Stakes Game, as a nod to the real TVTrope Absurdly High Stakes Game.
You’re right about both of those, but I want to give them a little punching up. “Have stakes” and “don’t introduce things that have no payoff” are just common writing mistakes. I try to restrict TBTropes to bad writing that is unique to Tom Batiuk’s bizarre writing style. I love suggestions though, so keep them coming. And thanks for the kind words.
Punch away, my friend!
The point with the low stakes is not just that the stakes aren’t there, it’s that they continually pop up naturally and are shot down with alacrity like ducks in a shooting gallery. The natural stakes when your boss says “don’t” and you do it anyway, resulting in an angry mob and arson, would be that you get disciplined at the very least.
There are all kinds of stakes that naturally occur when someone’s house/business is purposely set on fire — bodily harm, mental trauma, business disruption, police investigations, and such.
Ping! — Ping! — Ping! all shot down flat before anyone could waste one furrowed brow worrying about them.
Even the worst writers usually avoid the immediate, deliberate defusion of all tension. We are dealing here with an unusual exception.
How about “Undercooked Stakes”?
Love it!
Other thoughts:
Rare Stakes
or Pulling Up Stakes… since he removes stakes that already exist naturally.
I think “pulling up stakes” is the winner. “Pulling up” alludes to the removal of something, which is what the trope is really about. It’s when a writer goes to the effort of removing something that would improve the story if it stayed. That might be general enough to submit to the TVTropes hive mind, but I don’t know if they want to have tropes for things that you just plain shouldn’t do. Comedy Disconnect is another one I want to bring to their attention.
While we’re on the subject, “Westview Mafia” is another one we need. It was coined by poster hitorque, and it really captures something about how the Funkyverse works. These people are constantly giving each other high-paying jobs, and arranging special treatment for each other.
The reason “Stix Nix Hix Flix,” “Headless Body in Topless Bar,” and their ilk are remembered is because a) they were actually clever and b) they were crafted, under tight deadlines, to headline actual news stories. That’s a really difficult skill, and rightly admired.
Nobody has ever celebrated the cleverness of someone who makes up a sh!tty headline, then contrives a ridiculous “news” story to justify it. And nobody ever will.
As early as 1988 (my high school journalism days) newspapers weren’t really doing this “wacky headline” bit. Part of the reason was that desktop publishing didn’t exist yet, and headlines had to be a certain number of characters to fill all the available space. I remember my teacher telling a story about coming up with a great headline, but not being able to use it because it was too long or short. This is probably less of an obstacle nowadays, because modern technology lets you customize the kerning. But this practice hasn’t returned.
The headline isn’t a place to be clever anyway. It’s there to serve a purpose: to tell the reader what the story is about, so they can decide if they want to read the story or not. Yes, sometimes a great headline writes itself. Especially for “Florida man” type stories where the joke is “yes, this insane thing actually happened, and here’s a news story about it.” But the are rare. The most famous headline is still “Dewey Defeats Truman”, just because it was wrong.
Yep, those headlines are a thing of the past. Clickbait is the style of the era anyway.
Still, I have to admit that “We’re doin’ things like they did in 1938, by cracky, ’cause that’s when I worked in the newsroom of The Akron Trade-Unionist, the Socialist paper I cut m’teeth on! If manual typewriters and hot-lead typesetting were good enough for us then, you brats can use it today!” is really on-brand for old Skipperdee.
Which would be fine if Batiuk would just lean into it. Make oldtimey-ness a character trait of Skip’s, and you have instant conflict with the Gen Z (or later) Emily.
But TB thinks all his characters are Everymen, no matter how esoteric and woefully outdated their interests are. No character is allowed to question, or even acknolwedge the existence of, the strangeness of some of these behaviors. Obsessing over comic books, pining for writing awards, silently tolerating every form of abuse, and refusing to accept your wife’s death after 20+ years is all presented as it were day-to-day stuff.
That’s actually a brilliant idea. All the protagonists in Batiuk’s latter-day work are fixated on the way things were done in the 50s-60s, and that obsession with nostalgia is endlessly valorized.
Wouldn’t it be cool if there were one character fixated on the past who was rightly considered a fossilized old fart, and this trait caused conflict with the other characters? Perhaps because he focused on the wrong decades, like the 30s & 40s?
Only the straw villains in the Funkyverse are allowed to disagree with orthodoxy. It’s one of the things that defines a villain. I honestly can’t even imagine what a “good characters annoy each other” story would look like.
And it’s not like there isn’t anything to say about modern headlines. The Passive Voice: saying “Man Dies in Police Custody” rather than “Police Kill Man for Selling Loose Cigarettes.” And Burying the Lede: I’ve read articles in which I found out 8 paragraphs in that the headline was completely contradicted by the actual events. Because most people just read the headline and at most 3 paragraphs before stopping. Deliberate misinformation doesn’t always need to be lying–Just withholding information, and letting the reader fill in the blanks the way the author wants them to be filled works just as well. “Some People Say…” can do a lot of work. Which people? How many? One jerk can be “some people.” Both the New York Times and Fox do this all the time.
But Tom lives in an eternal 1962. He’ll change a few things to match reality, like “Gay People Exist,” but then not even give them names. I’m gonna guess that “Teen Pregnancies” existed before 1991.
Yeah, that 2nd reply of mine can be deleted. I guess the message “Secure Connection Has Failed” was a fake headline!
Or as Emily would say, “Data Splatter Didn’t Matter.”
Yeah, that 2nd reply of mine can be deleted. I guess the message “Secure Connection Has Failed” was a fake headline!
Or as Emily would say, “Data Splatter Didn’t Matter.”
Without wanting to address the politics aspect of it, I’ve got to defend “Man Dies in Police Custody” vs “Police Kill Man for Selling Loose Cigarettes.”
Many a can of legal whoop-ass has been opened on people who make statements like “X kills Y” before the case has been decided in court.
Maybe after the ME has looked at the body, there might be a headline like, “Man Died From Chokehold, Says Medical Examiner.”
But whether that man was actually killed by police needs to be established in court. And so does the question of whether he was deliberately murdered for selling loose cigarettes or accidentally killed while being restrained, etc.
Again, not trying to re-adjudicate the Eric Garner case, as these kinds of topics are rightfully forbidden on this site. Just explaining that in cases like these, the passive voice is both more accurate (until the full story is known) and legally necessary.
If I learned one thing in journalism school, it’s that it’s very difficult to be objective. Even if you’re honestly trying to. Slight differences in wording can imply things you wouldn’t realize. Modern journalism is not nearly as concerned about maintaining objectivity, or even the pretense of it. The click-baity nature of all content nowadays is another factor.
And it’s not like there isn’t anything to say about modern headlines. The Passive Voice: saying “Man Dies in Police Custody” rather than “Police Kill Man for Selling Loose Cigarettes.” And Burying the Lede: I’ve read articles in which I found out 8 paragraphs in that the headline was completely contradicted by the actual events. Because most people just read the headline and at most 3 paragraphs before stopping. Deliberate misinformation doesn’t always need to be lying–Just withholding information, and letting the reader fill in the blanks the way the author wants them to be filled works just as well. “Some People Say…” can do a lot of work. Which people? How many? One jerk can be “some people.” Both the New York Times and Fox do this all the time.
But Tom lives in an eternal 1962. He’ll change a few things to match reality, like “Gay People Exist,” but then not even give them names. I’m gonna guess that “Teen Pregnancies” existed before 1991.
Hey, I got a GC comment deleted! Here it is, followed by a second one that is there for the moment:
Skip: “I’m super drunk, passed out in the bathroom with diarrhea! What’s the headline?” Emily: “OLD LUSH CAN’T FLUSH HIS MUSHY GUSH!”
Skip, leaning even further in: “Here’s another highly likely event! Stuntman jumps over big pest!” Emily: “…I was gonna go with ‘Evel Knievel Leaps Boll Weevil’…but how about ’Skeezy Old Geezer Gets his Weezer Filled With Pepper Spray by Intern?” “WHAT? that makes no sens—ARRRGH”
Bill, I hope you don’t mind me borrowing your observation. I had already started writing this post (and its title) when you said it. I thought it was pretty funny that you mocked a joke I hadn’t even made yet.
Since my response also got deleted, I’ll put it here too:
Skip: “I’m super drunk, passed out in the bathroom with diarrhea! What’s the headline?”
Emily: “TYPICAL FRIDAY IN CENTERVILLE”
Today’s Crankshaft
“quarter-inch from reality” MY ASS
related to the batiukverse: I got a email from the Batiuk newsletter that says that FW is gonna be on GC on Jan 27
For just one day?
…we could be heroes.
Today’s Crankshaft
Looks like the Skip Rawling storyline ended a day early
Nah, it ended a week late.
That was no storyline, that was an excuse to trot out the also-ran gag sweepings from below the bottom of the barrel.
Signed,
Drake Take Fake Cake From Hake Lake Wake
(Headline for a story about how the Drake of Life retrieved a plastic pastry from a funeral visitation held at a body of water stocked with a cod-like fish.)
Hmm. @ComicBookHarriet must be behind on her email. Oh, well. I guess I get the scoop here on SoSF.
I subscribe to Tom Batiuk’s newsletter, so you don’t have to.
♫ ♫ Announcement! Announcement! Announcement! Annooooouuuuuncement! Eve Hill has another one. Another one. Another one. Eve Hill has another one. She has them all the time! ♫♪
Once again, TB buries what most people would consider the lede in his newsletter. But first, he has to beat the drum for another one of his TV appearances. TB’s self-promotion always comes before his fans.
Without further ado:
Here’s a link to the short TV appearance on one of the local Cleveland morning news programs.
Why is TB wearing his Winnipeg Blue Bombers cap down so low? It makes him look like someone in witness protection or someone about to steal a package off your porch.
So now the only reason to buy his $40+ “Complete” volumes are for his witty and informative introductions.
I’m curious to see how GoComics will set up the Funky Winkerbean title. On the 27th, will the FW archive contain the complete archive of comics from 1972 to 2022, with the actual dates the strips appeared in the newspaper?
Will GoComics start the daily feed from March 27, 1972, on Monday? I hope so.
It will suck if we get the archive, from the beginning, one day at a time. We won’t get the complete archive until early 2076. That way, TB can still shill his books. If he does this, we should soap his windows and TP his house.
I’m a pessimist, aren’t I.
Well, Luann by comparison has both the entire archive available, and also does a “Luann Againn” that posts the classic strips daily. I think For Bettor or For Worse did the same.
So hopefully we should be getting both. Website space is cheap!
Well, Luann is still putting out new comic strips. Funky Winkerbean ceased to be after it was put out of its misery by the syndicates.
Lord knows what GoComics decides. For over 25 years, Stone Soup was daily and Sunday. During the final couple of years of the strip, Jan Eliot, the cartoonist, decided to do Sundays only, much like Foxtrot is currently. Stone Soup Classics was running simultaneously, daily and on Sundays. When Jan Eliot called it quits on Stone Soup, it disappeared from the GoComics roster. Stone Soup Classics ran business as usual for a while, then inexplicably became Sunday only, despite decades’ worth of daily comics. Then Stone Soup Classics disappeared from GoComics, and Stone Soup reappeared four months ago. There are years of strips missing from the Stone Soup archive.
Have you noticed Wizard of Id Classics has been Sunday only since New Year’s? What’s up with that?🤷♀️
You will, I hope, pardon my deep-throated laughter at the idea that being deprived of Funky Winkerbean strips is cause for alarm, or some sort of horrid crisis, rather than a tired lost-its-scent fart try at a last stab at being relevant. Because my loud laughter is making my cat nervous.
You’re pardoned. I get it. This website is the premiere source for Tom Batiuk mockery.
To me, being deprived of those strips isn’t “cause for alarm, or some sort of horrid crisis,” but it would be another disappointment in a long history of Tom Batiuk-related disappointments. We all know how TB continually fails to meet even our lowered expectations.
Oh, I don’t think Batiuk has any clue how useful this will be to our snarking efforts.
As I said to @beckoningchasm, I hope we get the full archive on the 27th.
I posted the link to the WKYC video with you in mind. No comment? I find TB’s appearance peculiar. Is he hiding a black eye? Did TB lose a fight with a door?
Honestly, I didn’t have anything new to say about it. Batiuk is good inundating real journalists with his horseshit, to the point where they do no prep work at all.
It is odd, isn’t it? The obvious assumption is that he has a black eye or some obvious injury. But it’s also possible he had some kind of eye surgery. Cataracts? Based on Funky’s experiences at the ophthalmologist, it’s reasonable to assume that TB has had eye trouble/eye surgery in the past and perhaps it’s still ongoing or recurring.
Of course, it could just be some kind of odd fashion choice, but he’s done plenty of interviews in the past where he didn’t do the eye-hiding routine.
That’s a great point. It’s like his eyes are sensitive to the lights.
Another explanation is he wants to make sure everyone can see the logo on his Winnipeg Blue Bombers hat. Coming soon! A Crankshaft-Winnipeg Blue Bombers story arc!
I imagine it’s like when Richard Dawson (and i think, Brett Somers) wore sunglasses on Match Game. Their eyes were sensitive to light, because they’d smoked a big spliff between tapings.
Not that i think TB does that. I think he’d be way cooler if he did though. And probably better at his job.
Aw, dadgummit @csroberto2854 scooped me. I searched the discussion for “Funky Winkerbean”. He wrote “FW”. Congratulations, young man.
Youth does seem to have certain advantages over the decrepit. Of which I number myself; I am sure, eve hill, that you are far from the cemetery where I offer my thoughts.
Thank you. Despite a recent rude comment from my boss asking when I plan to retire, I prefer to think that I’m not seen as decrepit. I exercise and try to eat well, among other things.
I first read about the Funky Winkerbean/GoComics announcement on Thursday afternoon. Out of respect, I tried to defer the announcement to Comic Book Harriet because she also confessed to subscribing to TB’s newsletter. I made the incorrect assumption she knew about or even wanted to make the announcement. When CBH hadn’t made the announcement a day later, I did… or tried to.
I underestimated csroberto2854. I thought that only Comic Book Harriet and I subscribed to Batiuk’s newsletter, but he turns out to be a superfan of Batiuk’s work, albeit in an ironic way.
“a recent rude comment from my boss asking when I plan to retire”
BOSS: “We can hire a kid 40 years younger for 20% of your pay, and a benefits package that’s just ‘We’ll only throw rocks at you on Thursdays!'”
BOSS, a month later: “Ha ha only kidding! Um, your replacement is so dumb, on Thursdays we’re going to throw HIM at the rocks!”
I ran into an ex-coworker who said “Man, it only took 2 months for them to regret [very illegally] firing you!” They’d promoted a guy over me, despite him being an asshole everyone hated. Everyone except the (male) Regional Mgr. Because he liked ass-kissers. Also, he made a whole THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR AMERICANO than I did. $19 a week more! In 1992, that could buy you a used car, or very many rocks.
And 6 months later, he’d cratered the sales of the store I was meant to run. The RM, with the District mgr, went into the store unannounced, and there was a harried single (female) cashier with a huge line. “Why haven’t you called for backup?!” the RM screamed. A *customer* yelled back “She HAS! All they do is LAUGH!” He went in back, and Mark and his 2 (male) asst mgrs were playing hoops. With a Fisher-Price Basketball set. They were getting paid to use a toy meant for toddlers.
They were fired for incompetence, sexual harassment (from basically EVERY woman employee, current and former), and embezzlement. Yes, an F-P Hoop cost $45 (in 1992, you could buy the Matterhorn for that, SO many rocks), and charged it to Sam Goody. I’ll bet $45 was what they spent in 10 minutes at the strip club.
My former store manager: “None of this would’ve happened if you had given Westfarms to Bill!” DM: “YES, we are VERY aware of that now!”
It’s a worker’s market now. Keep that CV updated. Your boss needs you more than you need them.
That TV morning show is about 90% of the way to being a recurring Saturday Night Live sketch. I’m not sure I would have the stomach to interact with anyone who could actually watch this unironically every morning…
As for the TB Tropes Final Exam… yes, I’ve learned a lot in this course.
And having listened to the words of the master on his WKYC interview, and read his words of wisdom on his blog, I now realize — only those who blow off exams (preferably to buy records) can achieve failing grades, a low GPA, and consequent true enlightenment and success.
So the REAL winners are those who don’t take the exam … right?
Today’s Crankshaft
I think today’s strip is kinda okay
honestly, the “transfer portal” joke was adequate. Badly timed, but good enough for newspaper comics.
WELCOME to Day Two of the Exciting New Crankshaft Expanded Universe of Jokes only TOM Gets! How long will those wings take? A minute? An hour? Till the inevitable heat death of the Universe? ONLY TOM KNOWS! But gol-dang it, then it’ll be FUNNY
Can you see that? The thing I wroted there? Well, enjoy it, because it’s the last comment you’ll ever see from me on GC! Yes, I’ve been BANNED.
I know it’s no double-dog-dare Damascus level of deathless prose, but I thought it was odd that after 12 hours it, and my other 2 comments, had received no likes. Every other comment had reactions except ones that had been up for minutes. I checked using my Kindle with a different IP address, and I’m not there at all. I have no idea (Chief Tommy) could’ve been behind this (Chief Tommy Batuik).
The Burnings have begun! Who’s next?
That is insane. Why would you have been singled out? If your posts were banworthy, then so are mine and at least 75% of the other regular comment writers there.
Should this be a call to action; or more specifically, a refusal to engage further? I do my posts and likes when I have a moment during exercising or the like, but I can easily stop doing that. Does this mean the finger-waggers “win”? Sure, OK, let them win. They need “us” much more than we need them, I say. What do you think, Bill?
Maybe singled out for having a distinctive nom de web? If so, then JJ, Gent and Eve Hill could be next. Then again, I was the first person to say “Tommy” was Tom. If JGPuzzleWhiz stops appearing, it’s because he pointed it out next. Not that we’ll know; he’ll just get memory-holed too.
(shrugs) You guys do what you want to do. What Tom wants is nothing but praise and no negative comments. Like any thin-skinned egomaniac, the last thing he wants is to be mocked. Maybe give him exactly what he doesn’t want?
Funny–if anyone asked me why I think “Chief Tommy” is Tommy, I was going to point out the multiple sock puppets that popped up during the Burnings arc. Never had commented before, never would appear again, and their profiles had them following one strip *or less.* And they all were written in Chief Tommy’s dull, dour style. “Like an 8th grade art teacher who hates his students,” I was gonna say. And Guess What today’s strip brings! An art teacher who hates his students! And it’s clearly the fault of the kids! To quote the greatest sage ever to be on GC, “Clever LOL”
Hello beautiful snarkers!
Cranky Awards should up tomorrow night, sorry for the delay!
RE: Monday 1/27’s ‘Shaft:
You have got to be kidding me! The interminable “Skip Bittman Interviews One of Batiuk’s Comic Creator Avatars at Montoni’s” arc ended back on August 24 of last year, and now TB wants to give the dead horse a few more whippings? Five months later? Boy, that’s some timely profile you’ve got going on, Skipper! Can’t wait to read it…in 2027!
Well, the 1/27 GoComics is up, and no Funky Winkerbean in sight. A fakeout?
Well, Funky is now on GoComics, but I don’t see the full archives. It’s just some selected old strips. Bummer.
Oh, great. Today, it’s the return of the Punchable Pair. The Deckable Duo. The Backpfeifengesicht Boys.
Good ol’ Skip and Batton.
How I hate them.
I spoke too soon. The entire Funky Winkerbean archive is available on GoComics.com, in all its glory.