Your Nominees for The 2024 Crankshaft Awards!
Slimiest Salesmanship.
1.) Buy My Merch!
2.) Buy ‘Roses in December’!
3.) Buy a Volume of ‘The Complete Funky Winkerbean’!
4.) Buy A Reprint of an Old Dinkle Collection!
5.) Buy A ‘Flash’ Omnibus Containing my Childhood Letter!
6.) Buy a Newspaper Carrying ‘Crankshaft’!
Most Baffling Plot Twist, Plot Hole, or Discontinuity
1.) Batton Also Lived at 425 West Avenue.
2.) Mindy’s Comics Career Disappeared
3.) Cindy Summers-Jarre Can Get Pregnant
4.) Dinkle Doesn’t Know Any Authors
5.) The Twins Had a Name Change.
6.) The Twins Had an Age Change
7.) Mindy Moved Out But Didn’t
8.) Starbuck Jones is Real in the Future
Most Repulsive Character Combination
1.)Jeff, Batton, DSH, Crazy Harry, and The Flash.
2.) Mopy Pete, Jeff, Flash, Jffy, and Phil Holt.
3.) Les, Lillian, and Dinkle.
4.) Batton, Skip, and DSH John.
5.) Lillian and Skip.
6.) Lillian, Les, Emily, Amelia, Mopey Pete, and Mindy.
Backpfeifengesicht Award for Most Punchable Les Moore
1.) Women, Amirite?
2.) Measuring Up
3.) I, too, am on the right side of history…
4.) Smirks’a’plenty
5.) With Clarity
6.) My Wife!
7.) Loop’d’loophole
8.) My Work Here is Done
Les Moore Award for Most Punchable Character Who is Not Les Moore
1.) Batton Thomas
2.) Skip Rawlings
3.) Jeff Murdoch
4.) Harry Dinkle
5.) Lillian McKenzie
6.) Pete Reynolds Roberts
Panel of the Year 2024
1.) Dog In Therapy
2.) Timemop: Back to the Future
3.)Jeff’s Alone Time
4.) V-UPX Day
5.) Abraham and Sarah
6.) The Davis Era
7.) I Wanna Be Forever Young
8.) Chocolate Arson
9.) Dinkshaft
The Best Crankshaft Strip of 2024
1.) Pretty Normal
2.) Longing for Contact
3.) Intrusive Thoughts
4.) Getting Comfy
5.) Sexism
6.) No Child Left Behind
7.) Lol Fat
8.) Money Laundering
The Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2024
1.) Blasphemy
2.) Outdated Harassment
3.) The Return of Smug Dickery
4.) Wordplaying With Yourself
5.) Alt-Right Side of History
6.) Can’t Miss You if You Won’t Leave
7.) Bully Pulpit
8.) Home on Lagrange
Son of Stuck Funky 
Definitely some stiff competition this year. Whichever ones win will have earned it, that’s for sure.
So much to choose from. I’ll be voting early and often!
Also, the category “Most repulsive character combination” is really “Most repulsive character combination so far“. I mean, not even Batiuk has dared mix Les, Lillian, Harry, Skip and Batton Thomas as foreground characters together in a single strip … at least, not yet.
If he does end up doing that, I’m holding you personally responsible for giving him the idea.
By making the prediction, I hope to forestall such an eventuality. We all know that Batiuk listens only to his own ideas … or those of ethereal muses who appear at unpredictable intervals to festoon him with garlands of inspiration. Allowing anyone else to dictate what might appear in his sacred texts? Unthinkable!
If I can be allowed a little electioneering (don’t worry, I’m more than 100 feet from the polling place):
Slimiest salesmanship: an easy choice of 4, because it has both creepy Les Moore and Dinkle. They are the worst things Batiuk has ever made.
Baffling twist: 3, the 70-year-old Cindy isn’t even a Crankshaft character, and the fact that she’s pregnant at such an age is never even addressed. And then it’s just dropped, having had no effect on anything.
Repulsive character combo: A surprising 2, as it doesn’t have creepy Les Moore in it. But it does have noodly Jeff’s inner child, the late Phil Holt, and it’s all about adults-talkin’-komix, Batiuk’s most irritating obsession.
Most punchable creepy Les: It’s gotta be 1, right? Any interaction with his replacement wife Cayha is going to win hands-down.
Most punchable not-Les: Of course it’s Dinkle, number 4. He should really be retired from this category so we can weigh Batton Thomas against Skip Rawlings.
Panel of the year: Taken as a panel standing alone, 3 is the most coherent as well as the most awful. I don’t need to think about noodly Jeff in his underwear. Nor do you, and I apologize for those of you who weren’t thinking about it already.
Best Crankshaft strip of the year: 2, 5, and 6 are out because they don’t have Ed in any meaningful way. 1,3, and 4 are more suited to Pluggers. I’m going to go with poignancy over gag and say 7.
Worst Crankshaft strip of the year: No question about it. 3, the return of creepy Les Moore is what absolutely no one asked for.
Anything with Les is always a candidate for “worst of”. That’s because Les is Batty’s idealized version of himself. Dinkle, Crankshaft, and even Lillian, served a purpose but Les is just there to stroke Batty’s ego…bleh.
My votes:
Slimiest salesmanship: Buy My Merch! Because of how blatant it is. The others are egotistical in-universe characters promoting their own works, which you could shoehorn into “being in character.” Batiuk using a callback to pitch his own book isn’t too awful; at least he provided context for once. But pushing a goddamn Ed Crankshaft barbecue grill apron? What comic strip does Batiuk think he draws, Garfield?
Most Baffling Plot Twist, Plot Hole, or Discontinuity: Mindy Moved Out But Didn’t. Mindy and Pete’s marriage was this universe’s version of the Pam-Jim hookup on The Office. Even I was happy to see it at first. And three months later, Mindy is back living with her parents, with no explanation. Because he needed someone to call in the flash mob in the book burning story. We all know what a shitshow that was.
Most Repulsive Character Combination: Les, Lillian, and Dinkle, because they’re all way top impressed with Dinkle’s non-joke that we’ve seen in the strip before.
Backpfeifengesicht Award for Most Punchable Les Moore: With Clarity, because of how smugly Les is telling his own boss to screw off. And Nate know he has no power here, because it’s Les.
Les Moore Award for Most Punchable Character Who is Not Les Moore: In a shocking upset, my vote goes to Cayla Williams Moore in “With Clarity”! Don’t get me wrong, the actual nominees are all worthy, but nobody deserves a punch in the face more than Cayla. Think about the context of this moment. Her husband Les is actively defying his boss, and Cayla JOINS IN. And you can see it on her face. That is the face of “yeah, buddy, we run this town and you know it.”
Panel of the Year 2024: Abraham and Sarah, just because it was such a bizarre twist. We know that miscarriage/baby cancer/complete disappearance of the subplot is on its way.
The Best Crankshaft Strip of 2024: No Child Left Behind. It was a rare case of Batiuk turning a premise into an actual joke.
The Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2024: The Return of Smug Dickery, obvs. That strip got my vote in three categories, one of which it wasn’t even nominated for.
Today’s Crankshaft displays once again Tom Batiuk’s ongoing inability to write for an expanded Sunday format. Today’s offering is a serviceable three-panel joke, stretched out to six panels. Simply remove the first three panels of today’s strip, and voila — you’ve got a three-panel daily strip that, while not brilliant, is quick and funny.
Batiuk has also written week-long arcs (which cover about 15-18 panels) that, as proven on SoSF in the past, would be more effectively condensed into a seven or eight-panel Sunday strip.
Editing his own work would take effort, though, so that’s not going to happen. (And the syndicate ain’t gonna edit it either. That would take effort AND money.)
Today’s Crankshaft
Bro really thought that wearing a fake mustache and glasses would disguise him 😭😭
Seriously, how stupid is that man with the blackhead-riddled nose? It’s a miracle that he didn’t kill himself doing something real moronic
My only constant votes are so far:
Most confusing retcon: Cindy being pregnant at the age of 68/56/whatever
Most Insufferable Grouping: Dick Facey, Lillian the Lizard and Dinkle the World’s Biggest asshole, it reminds me of when Logan Paul, Mr. Beast and KSI banded up together to make Lunchly, which unsurprisingly flopped not only because it was a blatant rip-off of Lunchables, there was also mold in the cheese in multiple packages of Lunchly
Most Punchable Character that ISN’T Dick Facey: Dinkle, Dinkle all the way
Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2024: The return of the Bearded One
First, CBH: I stand in line at the sheer amount of work it takes to reread the worst dross of the year, select the drossiest, categorize them, post them, and create a poll on a separate site. I always look forward to these “year in review” posts. So thanks!
Now on to the topic at hand:
“Cindy Summers-Jarre Can Get Pregnant” is baffling, of course, because TB just re-re-retconned the gang’s graduation to 1972, as seen in the first panel. Which makes Cindye Summerse-Jarre 70 as of 2024.
But consider Panel 2, in which we find out that both her parents are still alive! They must be in their early 90s at the youngest.
Presumably she’s visiting them at Bedside Manor. Bring cigarettes! And birth control for mom — I hear Mort Winkerbean’s a real horndog and you wouldn’t want to have a surprise new sibling!
Regarding the Cindy Preggers asspull: I was shocked when I first read the strip and my comment on GC was this: “NO IT CAN’T BE CINDY IS 70 YEARS OLD THE PREGNANCY WILL KILL HER”
Has there ever been a 365 way tie for “worst strip”? Just asking, as it does seem totally plausible. Great work as usual, CBH. You’re like some sort of obscure national treasure!
“Obscure National Treasure? Wasn’t that the forgotten movie where they try to steal the Declaration of In-Depends diapers from the president in 1973, starring Nicholas Cage-free Eggs? I remember the trailer tag line–‘NICK NICKS NIXON’S KNICKERS’!”
The editor should have told the writer to nix “Nick Nicks Nixon’s Knickers.”
I’m like Jerry Seinfeld’s puffy shirt that is housed in the Smithsonian. Obscure National Treasure.
Likely missed as it was the last post’s very last comment, from Eve:
“Not to be cruel to Batiuk, but I sometimes wonder about him. Is there some kind of mental decline, or is it just a case of Doesn’tgiveacrapanymoreitis?”
Even if your only experience of “Apt 3G” was on CC, I think this is a very fair question. The artist, well into his 80s, just didn’t read the scripts. The street-side cafe was either in A3G’s living room or the middle of a NYC street, changing daily.
“Cartoonist,” unless you’re Jim Davis, must pay shit. Why else do these geezers keep doing it, except to afford groceries and golf balls? If you read Mother Goose & Grimm, the strips suddenly have become pretty bad. The jokes, the art, even the lettering. Like (Dan) Davis, the faces don’t match the dialog. One has a first panel that clearly has 2 people talking, but without a word balloon:
https://www.gocomics.com/mother-goose-and-grimm/2025/01/27?ct=v&cti=1048564
OK, he’s old, maybe he’s sick. I read a right-wing strip that suddenly went weird. In 2020, “Pantsless Duck Who Hates Everyone”s art got bad. Then the writing became incomprehensible. Then, King ran repeats–of a political strip. That’s like microwaving last year’s pizza, the one that you thought was pepperoni but now looks like it’s topped with fuzzy spinach. Then they replaced him with someone else. We don’t know what happened to the first author, but it clearly wasn’t good. Like abrupt cognitive decline.
Tom started his decline from Pulitzeritis, the only disease you suffer from if you *don’t* get it. Lordy, how many more arcs are going to be of Tom talking to Tom about how great Tom is?
Go to bed, old man. You can’t ride the ’80s Dinkle Wave forever.
(I admit that Bill “Zippy” Griffith said he won’t retire because “I can’t *not* draw comics.” So, maybe stick to the blog, Tombo)
most baffling plot twist:
If Mindy didn’t get a job at Atomic Comix, how did she and Mopey Pete meet?
You could also include them getting engaged in Funky and getting engaged again, sans carnival Tiger, in Cranky.
If Mindy didn’t get a job at Atomic Comix, how did she and Mopey Pete meet?
I think they first crossed paths back in December 5th, 2006
Pete and Mindy “met” in August 2017, when Pete was in Centerville doing some “advance work” (as script writers do…) at the Valentine Theater for the world premier of the Starbuck Jones movie. Mindy was working at the theater at the time, it was her brother Max’s failing enterprise.
Which led to this wonderfully dumb callback that they had seen each other before because Mindy “waitressed for a while at Montoni’s”… a true statement that nevertheless completely ignored the fact that Mindy is the cousin of Pete’s best friend’s wife, that Mindy dated Pete’s second best friend for a good while back in high school, and that the two were part of separate couples that attended prom as a group in 2006.
Those two are a TB masterpiece.
It’s amazing how little Batiuk cares about the human relationships in his world. He had Pete propose to Mindy and fail, and then ignored it for years. This had no effect on Pete or Mindy, when it should have been a major plot development and driver of stories. On top of that, they still had to go to the same workplace! Huge potential for drama there.
He finally has Pete propose correctly, which was a pleasant shock. Three months later, this now-40 year old woman is back living with her parents and her asshole grandpa, with no explanation. And why? I can’t believe I’m typing this sentence: “So she could organize the flash mob that saved Lillian from the anti-<i>Fahrenheit 451</i> arsonists.”
About that final strip in this post… Somehow I missed the most execrable part of it. I was so focused on the pathetic absurdity of seeing Manhattan from the sky for the first time and reacting by mooning about Stan Lee(?) that I didn’t even really pay attention to the first panel.
(Also, I hate to even glance at Skip. I can smell that disgusting, untrimmed, unwashed beard in all its smoke-yellowed splendor. I can see the bits of Doritos and ditch-weed seeds caught in the hideous thing. So I tend not to linger on any panel that features him.)
But Bati — er, Batton really outdid himself in the first panel. He “passed his own personal LaGrange point between the sway of the past and the pull of the future.” FFS. FFFS.
I had to look up what the LaGrange point is, and I don’t see the… point of using it here, other than to baffle 99% of your readers and make the other 1% roll their eyes.
But since we’re on the topic, here is my own personal LaGrange point.
“Lagrange point” wouldn’t be a bad metaphor if it was used correctly. If you’re trying to seek a balance between various forces, such as in your personal life, you might want to find the Lagrange point. But it’s a place you’d want to get to, not get away from or cross over. There are plenty of metaphors for “crossed a line of no return.” Inluding “road to Damascus”, which Batiuk just hilariously misused.
Not only does Lagrange point not work as a metaphor the way it’s constructed; it doesn’t apply to “Batton”‘s life either. He claims he’s leaving his past behind him, but in the very next panel he’s fanboying over Stan Lee.
There’s already a perfect astronomical metaphor for what comic books are in Tom Batiuk’s life: a black hole. It is an immense gravity so powerful that nothing can escape it, it consumes everything in its path, and it bends the entire universe towards itself.
I checked Arcamax for their early CS posting. Oh, wow, is excite! It’s DinkeLillian! Wanna bet it’s a week of sepia-toned memories of an arc no one remembers?
And, under “OTHER COMICS YOU MIGHT LIKE,” is the horror that is 9 Chickweed Lane. I gave up on that deranged sex maniac 15 years ago. And today’s is…Tweener Lesbian Incest, while Mom watches? Because…It sure looks like it, Brooke. Maybe you’ll luck out, and your cellmates will be Darrin Bell and Neil Gaiman.
February is an easy month for Batty. From the Medina Ice Festival to the OMEA conference, the strips just write themselves.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
I THOUGHT WE WERE FINALLY DONE WITH DINKLE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS
Oh come on,. Roberto, the Ohio Music Educator’s Assocation Convention is one of the major holidays in the Funkyverse! It’s the third-most important holiday on the calendar, behind San Diego Comic-Con in July, and the ongoing Milennium Of Lisa.
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strips: A 1990 Funky Winkerbean storyline where Cindy gets whacked in the head by a soccer ball and becomes a hippie until her friends bring her back to her usual self by bringing her near a leather jacket
WHO FUCKING CARES!?
Soccer Teacher: Cindy, shut the fuck up, and do what I say.
I can’t not think about the TF2 Domination sound effect or the “NECK SNAP!” unsound effect from the Team Fortress 2 comics when I read panel 3
Soccer coach: I tried that already, SHE’S FUCKING DEAD.
Soccer Coach: Nevermind, She’s alive. Somehow.
It’s apparently in-character for Cindy to not give any fucks about the welfare of others
Carrie: Cindy, Why do you smell like weed?
(a man in red slithers towards Carrie and Cindy at superhuman speed and screams while doing so and then suddenly stops 3 feet within them)
Mister Jane Doe: GET A HAIRCUT, HIPPIE! (just in case.)
Mr. Summers: She’s also been far nicer to Funky, Les and even Wanda. Which is deeply concerning.
Cindy: I’m so high that I didn’t even notice.
Ms. Summers: Although I miss the old her, I wish she stayed like this forever because I heard of an incident where she attempted to kill Wanda Wasowski for no reason.
(Cindy’s head starts violently shaking, while she starts grunting gibberish in a unnaturally deep voice)
(Cindy then splits into two beings like Majin Buu did after Mr. Satan was shot)
Good!Cindy: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? WHO ARE YOU!?
Evil!Cindy: YOU FOOL, I’M MAJIN BUU-I MEAN CINDY SUMMERS!!
Batiuk-Drawn Closeup: I don’t know how to describe one because this as might well be the only one he drew before passing art duties to Ayers
Ayers-Drawn Closeup: either Lisa Photobombing a Picture levels of goofy or Paralysis Demon Wally levels of uncanny, very few in-between
And this arc was never mentioned again in the universe of the Batiukverse, which is a shame because this arc was FUCKIN’ WEIRD
END
Watterson did something along these lines when Calvin created a duplicate of himself.
Imagine a Calvin who
Gets his own breakfast (do we have any prunes?);
Writes love poems to Susie Derkins (“Woozy” is a good rhyme for “Susie”); and
Has to let other students have a chance in Miss Wormwood’s class (“you’ve answered so many already”)
Ah, memories.
This Cindy is very funny, but it’s a funniness along the lines of Guy Gardner bumping his head and turning into a sweetheart. We know it won’t last.
I think Batiuk missed something here, though, in not showing Cindy in class dissecting Andrew Jackson’s elimination of the National Bank or criticizing the superficiality of Daisy Buchanan in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s Great Gatsby.
“It’s never good to be careless people,” she said sincerely.
This arc isn’t weird if you graduated high school in 1990, which I did. Leather jackets, mousse, Amnesty International, and pretty girls being made of glass were all on point. The pacing is good, the joke execution is good, the writing is good, the art is good. Cindy even does a wild take without breaking realism. This whole excerpt is legit funny, and it shows what Batiuk was once capable of. This is all pretty stock, but it’s well-executed, and in the newspaper comics that’s good enough for solid B.
Yeah, that’s all pretty recognizable to me too.
On the other hand, am i the only one who has no idea what some of csroberto’s (i assume age-appropriate) references mean?
–“the TF2 Domination sound effect or the “NECK SNAP!” unsound effect from the Team Fortress 2 comics “
–“(a man in red slithers towards Carrie and Cindy at superhuman speed and screams while doing so and then suddenly stops 3 feet within them)”
–“(Cindy then splits into two beings like Majin Buu did after Mr. Satan was shot)”
Strips like this are why I describe myself as a “bitter ex.” Classic FW could be funny! It’s exaggerated just enough without becoming unrecognizable as reality. He delivered what was described on the tin. Then he became a pompous ass. If he did this today, Cindy would get CTE. And, I dunno, pregnant somehow.
And the humor is character-based, yet you can follow it without knowing everything about the people, unlike Jeff’s psychotic hallucinations at comic conventions. Today, the only personalities in the strip are “published author,” and “Tom.”
I described my “bitter ex” moment in my “Leaving Westview” post. That particular arc showed me that it was all a fraud. Tom Batiuk didn’t get 16-year-old me like I thought he did.
Cindy owning a Mercedes-Benz t-shirt predates TB naming Cindy’s sister Mercedes (“Sadie”). Must be why he regards Sadie as his greatest (only?) professional folly… Whatta yutz.
From that “Match to Tom’s Fart”:
“The only thing I hadn’t figured out was the trigger for the jump, and it would take a conversation at a Superman convention in Cleveland to point the way (clever bit of foreshadowing there).”
There is no foreshadowing of anything in his post. Maybe…he means Superman was written in Ohio? How is something that happened 85 years ago “foreshadowing”? You keep using that word–I don’t think you know what it means.
“What this meant, of course, was that my high school characters were all going to disappear and be replaced by their adult (ibid.) selves.”
You have no idea what “ibid” means either, do you? Ah, heck, use it anyway! Tom sound edumacated (i.e., etc, et al, sic, YMMV, YOLO, FOMO, FAFO, IKIFW*, and sure why not, LOL Clever)
“It was dumb, stupid, boneheaded, half-baked, ill-advised, risible”
Don’t be so hard on yourself, egomaniac! Risible means LAUGHABLE, and no one’s laughed at your strips in 30 years!
*IKIFW: Internationally Known Incompetent FuckWads. AKA Montgomery Ward
How obvious can Batiuk make it that he’s just throwing words at the page without knowing what they mean? ‘ibid’ is high school stuff! You know, that place his cartoons were about, and where we held his only job outside of cartooning? Anyone who wrote a term paper learned what ibid is, at least before AI research helper software became a thing. (I assume that must exist now.)
‘ibid’ was high school stuff in the aforementioned 1990! It’s so old that it was once the subject of a joke story by H.P. Lovecraft, of all people.
That’s not the question to ask yourself. The question is, “Is Dinkle done with you?”
Dinkle’s back, eh? It’s only February and TB is already serving up awards bait.
We may have to expand the number of nominees next year…
These yearly awards posts really are amazing, though. I thoroughly enjoyed this one, and I voted too, despite not even reading the heinous “Crankshaft”. Ewwww. The Pete and Mindy stuff is just so baffling. Pete’s entire FW character arc was all about Pete LEAVING the Montoni’s apartment, and making it big in comic books, which he did, and it took DECADES to play out. And now it’s like none of it ever happened. How does Batiuk not realize how dumb this all is? What the hell, if anything, is going on within that sincere little skull of his?
Choosing a “most punchable” Les face is like choosing the best M&M in the bag. They’re ALL punchable, always. Find me one where he isn’t punchable, and I’ll send you a prize, as soon as I pay the back rent on the SoSF storage unit at the U-Stor-It in lovely Keansburg, NJ. They won’t give me a working key until I pay up. We have a bunch of “Lisa’s Story The Trilogy”s (audio book only) that SOMEONE on staff (I will not say who) insisted we should buy as an “investment”. It’ll arrive postage due, too, as the thing weighs like forty pounds, and we just don’t have that kind of cash lying around anymore. They’re all signed, too. Not by Batiuk, though.
“The worst part of the battle of the bands was the monsoon!”Oh, fuck you, Dinkle. There was a monsoon every goddam year, and you LOVED it. Nothing excited you more than putting on your Colonel Khadafy outfit and ordering scores of underage children to build musical monuments to your ego. If this world was within a parsec of reality, this town would have hanged you from that band shell pavilion eons ago, and the now-adult PTSD survivors of your earlier bands would dance on your grave.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
If only something awful happened to Dinkle or Lillian, then this storyline would be one of the best in Crankshaft history
Howdy.
First off, thank you ComicBookHarriet. You have once again stepped up to the plate and knocked one out of the park. Your dedication and creativity have transformed the Crankshaft Awards into a captivating space that everyone loves and looks forward to. You’ve truly gone above and beyond to make it outstanding! Salute!
Just a couple of things I’d like to discuss with my fellow SoSF readers about some of the nominees.
Most Baffling Plot Twist, Plot Hole, or Discontinuity
IMHO, most of the nominees in this category can be blamed on TB’s abject failure to grasp the concept of continuity. TB would most likely wave off any criticism by blaming the discontinuities on TimeMop. The only nominee that is truly baffling is 3.) Cindy Summers-Jarre Can Get Pregnant. That was a deliberate decision, not sloppiness.
Backpfeifengesicht Award for Most Punchable Les Moore
I’m still taking this personally. Les even used my name.
Question. Why are we limiting ourselves to just punching Best Actress Award Winner Les Moore in the face? Why can’t I kick him in the junk too?
Backpfeifengesicht is a colloquial German term for “a punchable face; a face “in need of a smack.” Does anybody know what the colloquial German term for “kickable junk; junk “in need of a kick” would be?
Backpfeifenschwanz might work.
The Berlitz English-German dictionary gives the translation as der Lessenmoore.
Is there an illustration?
What I meant to write is, “Is there an illustration using Les Moore?” Sorry about that, gentlemen.
Just some random musing on the nominees…
Slimiest Salesmanship
2) Always nice to see Lillian reminiscing about her sister and her sister’s boyfriend. You know, before Lillian’s jealousy led her to completely ruin said sister’s life and cause her to have a complete nervous breakdown. Buy the book!
3) So if the strips looked best on cheap newsprint, why are you selling them in expensive hardcover editions instead of, you know, cheaper paperbacks?
6) So… the Centerville Sentinel, which at that point only had one employee, runs a syndicated comic strip? You know you have to PAY to print those, right? (I mean, unless Batton Thomas Creator Of The Comic Strip Three O’Clock High somehow went around the syndicate to allow Skip Ethicsclass to run the strip, but then why would he be so pleased that Jeff gets the paper, since he’s not getting paid for it?)
Backpfeifengesicht Award for Most Punchable Les Moore
1) Do you think Batiuk realizes that Cayla isn’t talking about Les getting the kids to read the book, but rather Les’ insistence on teaching it despite the school board prohibiting it? Probably not.
2) “Still young”? He’s over 70 freakin’ years old! If he were a woman, he’d almost be at menopause age!
Les Moore Award for Most Punchable Character Who is Not Les Moore
3) Which Jeff is the more punchable, Old Jeff or Rictus Humunclus Jeff? Or can we punch them both?
Thank you for taking the time to prepare all of this! Your devotion is appreciated.
My votes and notes:
Slimiest Salesmanship – Roses In December, because Tom’s whitewashing of Lillian is reprehensible and would be a wild bait & switch for anyone who doesn’t know any better.
Most Baffling Plot Twist, Plot Hole, or Discontinuity – Age change, particularly since they were mere months apart.
Most Repulsive Character Combination – Les, Lil, Dink. Nothing else comes close.
Punchable Les – With Clarity, because he’s so impressed with how smart he is, beyond how witty he is.
Punchable Not-Les – Dinkle. Pete is great competition, but punching Pete would be like punching Play-Doh. Few things would be more satisfying than shattering Dinkle’s jawline and reducing it to pulp.
Panel of the Year – Dog In Therapy, because Tom is willing to throw away ten years of precedent for the sake of a weekday strip’s joke. The lack of dialogue helps drive it home.
Best Strip – Money Laundering. They’re all still pretty bad, but this is the least bad to me.
Worst Strip – Can’t Miss You If You Won’t Leave. Yes, Tom, please make sure that you get every drop of piss into your ever-dwindling audience’s mouth. If it’s all such a bother to you, <i>leave</i>. Get the fuck out.
So many worthy entries. Really, they’re all winners in the Loser Contest. I’m still deciding in a few categories, but there are a couple that just call out to me. Such as:
Most Punchable Character Who Is Not Les Moore:
For me, first among equals: Skip Rawlings. When people rail against Boomers, when kids roll their eyes and sneer, “OK Boomer,” this is exactly what they’re talking about. I follow R. Crumb’s official Instagram, and whoever runs it has been posting an autobiographical story. Crumb is documenting his first experiences with psychedelic drugs in the mid-late 60s. It’s very on-point:
Notice Crumb’s excruciating self-awareness as he looks back. Notice how he is not afraid to expose his own weakness and self-deception. Notice how he is regarded as a seminal artist and his works are likely to be remembered centuries from now. (Notice how not one of those things applies to Tom Batiuk.)
Skip is that guy, the guy who went to some student radical meetings, did a lot of angry fist-raising, tried to pick up chicks with some hokey line about “free love,” took some acid, got “enlightened,” got smug about how superior he was to the brain-dead bourgeois, capitalist hordes, and… stayed that way.
And is still that way 60 years later, having learned nothing in 6 decades of life, least of all humility.
Skip thinks he has a lot to teach us, but we won’t listen because we’re so wrapped up in ego, man, and money, man, that we’re deaf to the Truth, maaan. Yet when he has a chance to set the world right with his newspaper, he uses his pulpit to… interview a boring local cartoonist and creep on some young girls with inane word games.
And, as I mentioned above, I hate his Pete Seeger cosplay look. He looks like he stinks, and never brushes his teeth, and takes some pride in that, knowing that he’s defying society’s norms, maaaan.
The perpetual smirk? Why, it’s just the smarmy icing on the self-satisfied cake.
I once compared Skip to Mr. Natural. I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw parallels between R. Crumb’s work and Batiuk’s.
It’s like the Bill Hicks-Denis Leary paradigm. They’re basically the same artist, but one is commercialized, polished, and stripped of anything of value. Of course, that’s the far more successful version. Yes, the raw version could be nasty and uncomfortable. And the artist had some genuine personal problems. But the authenticity was central to the whole package. Americans want everything too clean.
Very astute comparison, BJr6K. For years I had a graphic of Mr Natural cheerfully proclaiming “Twas Ever Thus” by my desk; I still visualize it often when something assaults my sensibilities or seems to portend doom. It has a calming effect.
Unlike Skip, Mr Natural was adept at cutting through bullshit and self-deception. His philosophy seemed to be that life’s for living, so have fun and don’t take yourself too seriously.
I suspect that Mr Natural was Crumb conjuring a wise mentor in opposition to his own awkward, neurotic self-consciousness. In other words, Crumb was trying to counteract his own worst traits.
Skip, on the other hand, is Batiuk indulging his own worst traits.
I’m not a huge fan of the R. Crumb oeuvre, so my Mr. Natural-Skip comparison was probably a bit shallow. I was thinking more of the “overpromoted database guru” from Dilbert. An older, pretentious, useless hack with a much higher opinion of his own brilliance than is warranted. Aging has turned him into everything he claims to be against, but he’s completely unaware of this. What Skip did to that hedge fund is much worse than anything they did to him. But he gloats as he self-righteously reports on their demise. (Again: “if it’s local it leads”?) Skip is pure bullshit, congealed into human form. And it’s be nice if got called out for that by anyone, ever.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Dinkle, you enjoyed torturing your students/victims, just admit it
Today’s Past Batiukverse strips: a Funky Winkerbean 1978 storyline where Holly and her mother go to a Miss Teen world contest
Holly: Mother, I have no knowledge of flying a plane. I’m 16 years old!
Melinda, doesn’t it register in your head that SHE HAS INTERESTS THAT ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS AND THAT SOMETIMES SHE WANTS TO BE FREE FROM YOUR GRASP FOR A WHILE!?!?
their teeth are so clean that they glow in the dark
Holly: Also, I have had multiple fifth degree burns everywhere that have since healed from twirling a baton that’s on fire on both ends, I have no idea why I’m still alive and able to move around at all, but-
Interviewer: Give me a sec. (walks over to a chaperone) Somebody call the police and arrest that Dinkle fucker.
“I’d just like to settle down and raise a family”
I think this foreshadows Cory’s existence and Holly marrying Funky in 2005
Holly.exe has stopped working due to the sheer amount of emotional abuse that you gave to her, Marylin Melinda Budd
And just like the “Cindy gets amnesia storyline”, this story arc was never mentioned again
This is another ball Batiuk dropped. I’ve complained many times about the “Holly gets a broken ankle” arc near the end of FW, and this backstory further drives it home. As with Dinkle, Melinda’s normal 1970s behavior is now seen as abusive and toxic. It would have been interesting to re-examine Melinda in a more modern context, just as it would have been with Dinkle. But both cases, Batiuk doesn’t know how to do anything but repeat the same old jokes, not even noticing how badly they come off now.
Gotta admit I chuckled at the smiles one.
As to the premarital sex one: Currently Luann is doing an arc about the only people I think in the strip who’ve ever had premarital sex. Of course, the girl is some evil Jezebel, because sex=bad. It’s something everyone wants, but no one ever has. Besides the firefighting couple, does anyone in this strip have POSTmarital sex?
It stands out more as I’ve decided to follow Chickweed, because I hate me. That has more sex than Marvin loads his Pampers. If they did the smile strip, with the mother and daughter in the same bed, it would end with them complaining that didn’t bring enough lube.
Brooke MacGoDownonme could rub rodent aphrodisiac in his ears and lay down in a room full of 100 horny hamsters and he’d wake up only slightly more fucked in the head. Kinda puts “Oh no Not another week of Dinkle” in perspective, don’t it?
Wiki told me I was right about me giving up on this 15 years ago. 2010 is when Brooke ShieldsIsTooOldForMeNow became the first strip to turn its comments off. Man, I wish I’d read those! Likely a 50/50 mix of “THIS FREAKSHOW IS ON THE COMICS PAGE?!” and “Make Edda do a llama.”
This comment got flagged in the torso chute for blatant debauchery. However, I let it slide because “Brooke MacGoDownonme could rub rodent aphrodisiac in his ears and lay down in a room full of 100 horny hamsters and he’d wake up only slightly more fucked in the head.” was so good.
It’s funnier if you imagine it happening to the sound of The Hampster Dance. “Dibidi ba didi dou dou, Di ba didi dou”
I imagine “The Song You Hear When You Die” by Lemon Demon (Neil Cicierega). It’s much less recognizable, but the tempo works much better for the activity CBH describes.
I don’t know why the video has that WTF image, but I think it adds to the effect.
AKA music from “Robin Hood.”
Every so often on this site, there is conjecture that the syndicate is going to cancel Crankshaft at a certain point, or that they’ve insisted Batiuk focus less on FW characters and more on Crankshaft‘s core characters.
The conjectures are always fantasies. The syndicate could not possibly care less about the content of their existing (and paid-for) strips, as long as there is something resembling new material provided each day. If you don’t believe it. the continued presence of McEldowney’s work on the comics page serves as ongoing proof. As long as there are enough newspaper subscribers, the syndicate will not edit, make notes on, or cancel a work that is profitable for them.
True, but they did get around to cancelling Funky Winkerbean at some point. Batiuk denies it, but there’s no way that didn’t happen. FW got to a point where the syndicate wasn’t willing to tolerate it anymore. And now Batiuk has simply moved most of what sucked about FW to Crankshaft. If it ever does get cancelled, it’ll be at the end of a year, since that’s apparently when contracts end.
FW had about 100 fewer papers than Crankshaft. I’ve outlined this elsewhere, but I suspect it wasn’t exactly cancelled … the syndicate simply paid less money for the product. And with Ayres retiring, Batiuk couldn’t find an illustrator willing to work for the pittance on offer. Even Dan Davis wasn’t willing to take less money to copy-paste FW than he gets to copy-paste Crankshaft.
This is a theory, I’ll admit, not a verified fact. But it fits in with all the things we know. And any theory which states that FW was cancelled by the syndicate has to account for the fact that the syndicate hasn’t shown any interest whatsoever in the actual content of their properties for at least 25 years — the ONLY motivation for them seems to be profit. 9 Chickweed Lane is the shining example of this; Batiuk’s work is a very distant second.
Banana Jr. 6000:
I don’t know if I’ve ever witnessed a comic strip getting canceled for sucking. It’s a narrative about Funky Winkerbean we like to joke about, but if you go by reader participation, by snarker or non-ironic reader, Funky Winkerbean was one of the most popular Comics Kingdom titles at the end of 2022. Clicks are web page views. Web page views are ad revenue.
As we’ve seen, syndicates will cancel a title due to public outcry over the cartoonist’s behavior, such as Scott Adams and Darrin Bell. At this time, I can’t think of any other comic strips canceled by a syndicate. Perhaps one canceled due to a lawsuit? Please let me know if I missed any. Has there ever been a comic strip that a syndicate put out of its misery because it sucked?
On the other hand, as you’ve written, TB himself has been quoted saying it wasn’t his decision to end Funky Winkerbean. Was it due to TB’s inability to procure the services of another illustrator, as he claims?
Building on Y.Knott’s economic theory. Could TB have ended Funky Winkerbean because he didn’t want to admit the syndicate made him a “low-ball offer”? Was the offer an insult to his precious Funky Winkerbean? Say it ain’t so! So, out of pride, he invented the false narrative blaming the end of the feature on the inability to find a new artist? TB often plays the victim when his business ventures don’t go his way, claiming it isn’t his fault but rather the fault of others.
TB: Aw, screw it. It’s not worth the effort to create Funky Winkerbean for the pittance they want to give me. I’ll just merge Funky Winkerbean with Crankshaft. This way, I can continue to produce both titles. My way.
Most of the time when a comic strip comes to and an end, it’s due to the cartoonist retiring, economic reasons, or getting an offer to work on a more popular strip. So what happened? Until TB, KFS, or AM want to fess up about what happened, I guess it will just have to be conjecture on our part.
Y. Knott:
Perhaps the previous Editorial Director of King Features Syndicate made an attempt to pair up TB with a new artist, but he didn’t care for the choice.
Bianca Xunise: Hi, Tom. I brought my crayons. Where do you want me to sit?
Eve:
I like Six Chix. Except for Thursday. The jokes aren’t funny and sometimes incomprehensible, and the art is truly painful to look at.
The Tuesday Chik is…different. Right out of the gate, her themes were “I’m so depressed” (I’ve been there, sister) and “I have writer’s block” and “I’m so depressed about my writer’s block”…Not the most fertile ground to grow your humor.
She has now branched into strips about “I have big clown shoes” and “Lady having sex with a 6-foot party sub.” So there’s that. As to the crayons–Would you prefer Davis’ swipes to Breaking Cat News and the watercolors? Any style can work if the scripts are good.
I think there have been strips that’ve been cancelled because they suck. That’s all the strips that just disappeared 1 day because no one was reading them. It just takes so long you don’t notice, and there’s no announcement, it’s just not there today. Or ever again.
TV is littered with series that had eps in the chute that were never aired. Am I the only 1 who watched “Fish Police”? (I hope so!) Or “Turn On,” by the producer of Laugh-In that was cancelled in Colorado while it was still on the air? And, of course, the BBC classic “Heil Honey I’m Home!” Somebody thought “Springtime for Hitler” was a viable sitcom idea. Cancelled 15 minutes into its first half hour. If you’re curious, they basically took Honeymooner’s scripts and replaced, Mad-Libs style, “Norton” to “Goebbels.” Make the neighbors AdolRalph feuds with Jews? The jokes just write themselves.
I’ve said it before, but there probably isn’t an artist alive who wouldn’t work on Funky Winkerbean — IF the money were there. (They might insist on a pseudonym, but a buck’s a buck.)
Hell, there are kids out there who have Beyoncé performing at their birthday parties. You can have that too, IF you can pay for it.
And there are plenty of professional comic artists who are extremely adept at imitating any style, who could ensure continuity. But they aren’t gonna work for peanuts, and they aren’t gonna give Puffy the “friends, family, and Kent State alumni” discount like Ayers did.
So once again I call bullsh!t on the “no other artist could do this” spiel. It means, “for the low prestige of the work, and the low rates I’d pay, nobody would touch this with a ten-foot pole.”
Mr. Splut:
I agree that Thursday Chick’s efforts are subpar. It’s like she creates her panel after three large glasses of wine.
Thursday Chick: Uh-oh! *hic* My submission ish due in ten minutes!
Scribbles furiously on a cocktail napkin and has the bartender fax it to KFS.
RE: Tuesday Chick. You forgot about them drawing a pumpkin on their head for twelve consecutive weeks. It’s a gourd life. If there is something Tuesday Chick is known for, it’s taking something inexplicable and running it into the ground.
It’s hard to believe, but at one point, Six Chix had a respectable roster of talent. Nowadays, I primarily read Six Chix for the snark. IMHO, the only decent one is Wednesday Chick. Occasionally, Monday Chick.
I’ve heard of Fish Police. Either I’ve never seen it, or the memory of watching it has been purged from my memory banks. However, I do recall the Fish Police sketch from SCTV. I’ve posted the video here at least once due to Rip Tide Scuba Cop. “That fish stole my watch!” “Stop or I’ll cast!”
Tom Batiuk is a cheese weenie. There, now we can say this comment is on topic.
Drake:
Scott Roberts of Working Daze is one of the finest cartoonists I’ve ever seen when it comes to drawing something in somebody else’s style.
I’m sure almost any artist can draw in the classic Tom Batiuk Funky Winkerbean style. You know, where the character’s eyes are too close together and sometimes on the same side of their face.
As I’ve said, an artist having Funky Winkerbean on their CV would impress a lot of people.
Interviewer: Funky Winkerbean? My grandparents read that strip.
Alternatively…
Interviewer: Oh, wow. Funky Winkerbean?! I’ve seen him on The Simpsons! Hi Funky!
I’m furious at Mary Worth right now. This story just gets and more disgusting.
Has there ever been a comic strip that a syndicate put out of its misery because it sucked?
There have been tons of strips cancelled because newspapers noticed they sucked, and stopped carrying them. But examples of syndicates actually cancelling a feature that was making money for them, no matter how much it sucked? I doubt it very much.
If you’ll remember the Scott Adams debacle, pretty much every paper on the planet cancelled his strip — THEN the syndicate (which was now stuck syndicating a valueless entity no one wanted) issued an announcement they were no longer carrying Scott Adams’ work. Bold move, Andrews McMeel!
Yeah MW has been ridiculously stupid. It is so contrived that I’m beginning to suspect Batty is now writing for this strip. Exes going out on double dates, mood swings, threats. I hate Dawn but even I’m starting to feel sorry for her.
Somebody mentioned an interview with Karen Moy where she praised Batiuk’s storytelling. Based on this arc, I’m inclined to believe she’s taking pointers from him.
it amazes me that Moy has made Dirk almost as punchable as Dick Facey
Agreed. It’s awful. I’m curious as to what aggravates you the most: Dawn being an idiot, the Dirk guy being a totally over the top ass, or the story attempting to tackle a serious real-life topic and botching it terribly?
The current story in Mary Worth reeks of a Tom Batiuk “prestige arc”, except that it’s an uncomfortably realistic depiction of an abusive relationship. Which the story treats way too casually.
Every character in this story sucks. Dirk was cloned from a 2004 “pick up artist” manual, but he never read past the “negging” chapter. Jared’s the self-appointed Niceguy, despite having no personality other than Star Wars, and being in an icky relationship with a former patient. Jess is that former patient, and an implied abuse victim, sloppily retconned to mugging victim. She somehow has no reaction to all this. Dawn has basically turned into Luann; her brain stopped functioning after OMG CUTE GUY. And the great Mary Worth somehow missed all this, despite Dawn tearfully reciting the entire Emotional Abuse Checklist to her. It undermines the conceit of Mary being a great counselor when she’s less perceptive than me. And I’m a 52-year-old single man with below-average social skills.
The story is so slow, and so obvious. Jared finally decides to defend Dawn, but it’s already way too late. They’re now in the middle of the second double date where Dirk is calling her “worthless idiot” to her face because they’re losing a casual sporting contest. Speaking of which, who goes on a double date with their current partner’s ex? That’s asking for trouble. Dirk or Jess should have vetoed this, for the good of their own relationship. The whole story is stupid and insulting on so many levels.
Way too casually is right. I know I said Dawn was being an idiot, but that’s a comment on the story’s tone. It’s certainly not a condemnation of any real life individual in a domestic abuse situation. It’s complicated and tragic topic, so if MW is going to tackle it in a meaningful way then it’s going to have to go beyond Dirk belittling Dawn in front of everyone and Jared playing hero. Guess we’ll see if the arc continues next week.
Um, just askin’, but are we getting a bit off topic talking about other strips here? I mean what freak started that?!
Oh. Oh, right. Me. With the Chickweed thing.
After less than a week, I’m pretty close to already giving up on 9 WTFweed. How is it possible for a strip to start with “Tweener Lesbian Incest while Mom watches” and get worse? Dinkle has a sweaty nightmare about a Blind Idiot God, vs a week of tub sex. While Mom watches.
The next day, the twins were drawn differently. They talked as if they were MPs from the House of Lords in the Victorian Age discussing the Admiralty. “Drat these confounded Prussian dreadnoughts!” I checked Wiki, and if strip time goes by real time, the sex-ay twins are about to turn FIVE. Today, more underwater oral sex, but whatever twin this one is now’s a teenager? And her boyfriend just drowned?
What is it with hack cartoonists and their inability to keep the ages of their blue-eyed blond Shining Twins the same?
I’ve no doubt no one wants me to talk about 9 CreepAss. Maybe I’m not super-excited about reading about Mary Worth outside of CC. Should there be a Son of Suck Comics, where we talk about those? I fully intend to have no involvement trying to set that up.
What aggravates me the most is definitely Dirk. The explosive shift in personality reminds me of my brother in law who was bipolar. These unexplained and unpredictable outbursts were what got the family concerned about his mental health. It got much worse very quickly and he ultimately took his life. So when I see Dawn just sit back like nothing is wrong I want to vomit.
Davis’ art swipes are working in his favor today, dead-eyed Nate is 110% appropriate for this story “ark”.
I’m confused about that. Wasn’t Fred the principal when Dinkle was the band leader?
That is correct. I believe Nate was vice principal at the time, though.
RE: Thursday 2/6’s “Crankshaft in Name Only”:
Can someone in SoSF’s crack research division tell me if Dinkleberg’s dream is simply crafting a heretofore unseen band director experience of Harry’s or is it actually repurposing an old FW strip? In either case I should think longtime ‘Shaft readers should object to these goings on, but the latter seems the more egregious example of one strip taking over another.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Wasn’t Fred the principal at WHS at the time?
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strip: September 17th, 2006 of Funky Winkerbean
Dinkle’s going directly to hell when he dies, no judgement, straight down to the fuckin’ boiler room
This is another thing about Dinkle that doesn’t get explored enough; he absolutely sucks at his job. Which would be fine if this was Act I caricature Dinkle, but 2006 is late Act II.
Really, he’s doing cartwheels because ONE student – a senior leader – is taking his instrument home? When I was in middle school band, we had to lug our instruments to home and back every single day. This was simply expected. And that was beginner/intermediate band, not even a band that competed in contests. There’s no way in hell that a band trained by Dinkle or one-armed Becky could even complete a performance. Especially not when they’re all sleep-deprived because he worked them until 1 AM every night.
2/7, Dinkleshaft:
So, is GOD like, y’know, super-sarcastic or some junk? “DU-U-UH! I almost forgot about THA-A-AT! You want me to wash your hiney too?!”
Or is he some Blind Idiot God, omnipotent but just plain stupid? Like the “DUH…” is coming from Moose in Archie comics? “I almost made that a Commandamental, but they…duhh…served jello today! LIME, with GRAPES!”
I wish I knew of a place where one could debate the theological implications of this! “Why does a just God allow Westview to exist?” “How many Lisas can dance on the head of a Phil Holt?” “Why Urkel not on TV no more?! God SMITE!”
Hey, bill, assuming you care, have you contacted the GoComics moderator about your ban? From time to time, I’ll see readers discussing their bans in the GoComics comments. Some claim they were only banned for a couple of weeks. Others say they were reinstated by the moderator after requesting it. I hate to see you missing out if it was something you enjoyed.
I like that you currently post your Crankshaft comment here. Several times, your Crankshaft comment on GoComics was deleted before I had a chance to read it.
“I hate to see you missing out if it was something you enjoyed.”
“Aye, there’s the rub” as the Bard said. (“AAYYY, there’s the rub, Mrs C!” as the Fonz said) I honestly don’t! I actually breathed a sigh of relief anytime a Crank Say Joke week began. As I didn’t have to stay up till 1AM, get wired writing a comment, and fall asleep near dawn. Many of mine were just drive-by comments, thrown off at random by my insomnia-riddled brain. I still write comments that early, but often wait until morning to polish them. Then I post what I hope is better here. Note to Tom: Even self-editing works! You should try it no time!
Plus, the opposition party is boring. Their every comment is just “I know you are, but what am I?” (as the Pee-Wee said) If they think someone giving a comment of “I don’t think this is so funny” and they believe “I dont think your funny to! LOL” is a witty riposte…I think I’ll get a good night’s attempt at sleep instead.
I figured that’s how you’d feel.
I don’t know how some of the guys can wait up for the new comic strip to drop. Many of them live in the Eastern Time Zone. That’s about 1:30 AM for them.
If you no longer read the Crankshaft discussion on Go Comics, the readers are growing weary of all the Funky Winkerbean baloney. They’re starting to mutiny. Many are threatening to unfollow the strip.😱
Don’t forget the classic inane questions such as, “If you don’t like it, why do you read it?” “Why do you read it if it makes you angry?” “Where’s your comic strip?”
Tom Batiuk is a stinker. He smells like moldy cheese.
A propos that, you never see any comments of mine over at Crankbean, do you? I write them every day, but I think I’ve been universally muted since I go way too sassy with Dick Tracy, especially the retired railroad bull they had writing the Sunday splash panels. I mean, any good American knows that railways here are a traditional enemy of the people, created through graft, existing to screw farmers, and getting Congress (remember the graft?) to lift the passenger requirements as soon as they didn’t turn a profit. Well, there I go again. I’m sassy about railroad companies and the goons they hire to break strikes and roust hoboes.
Anyhow, you never see any comments of mine at Crankbean, do you?
gleeb:
I can’t say I’ve ever seen your comments on GoComics. That explains why. To be honest, I don’t read many GoComics discussions. I do remember you from the golden days of commenting on Funky Winkerbean on the Comics Kingdom. Mine were 2018–2022. Good ol’ Disqus.
If you look at my GoComics profile, the only comic I comment on is Cranky Shafterbean. And that’s typically only when the eponymous character is on the bench.
I see that you are still posting comments on the Comics Kingdom. They have a few titles where I still enjoy reading the snark. I don’t comment there much because I disliked the swap of the commenting platform to OpenWeb. Since that decision, I’ve posted a whopping total of 68 comments. That’s since December 2022. To me, the Comics Kingdom ruined commenting there. There seems to be only a fraction of commenters compared to how it was a few years ago. It’s like a town after the oil wells dried up. People seem to be really stingy with their upvotes, too. I can read an entire discussion consisting of a half-dozen comments. Not one upvote. It all seems muted. Lifeless.
gleeb:
I believe I’ve seen your name, but not recently. That’s whats so pathetic about the banning process: They’re too cowardly to tell you you’re banned, but also let you leave comments that no one else can see, making it seem like you’re not banned. If a comment gets *no* reaction, you’re banned, and banned site wide. I can see my comments on my desktop, but not on my Kindle, with a different IP.
I got banned apparently because I suggested Chief Tommy was Tom–admittedly a libelous insult! Who wants to be Tom?!
It’s funny that our Mysterious Downvoter appears as soon as you say Chief Tommy is Bats! Like the new commenter who called itself “I’m Not Batiuk Either”! Kinda specific name, dude.
I don’t know, but let’s all look in the mirror and chant “TOMMYJUICE TOMMYJUICE TOMMYJUICE!” and see what happens!
Mr. billthesplut:
I recently twisted the arm of a friend to create a free account with GoComics. I thought it would be fun to spend time together in the comment sections.
For a while, I frustratingly could not see their comment. I contacted GoComics support on my friend’s behalf. It turns out, GoComics has an internal policy on new accounts.
In other words, your comments will be invisible to everyone until you pass an audition of indeterminate length. Essentially, they want to make sure you’re not a bot.
I kind of understand the policy, but it would be nice if they gave some kind of warning. It’s easy to imagine a new GoComics free subscriber getting frustrated by a lack of acknowledgement to their comments. “What a bunch of snobs. Nobody wants to socialize with me.” They end up believing having an account is not worth the effort. Do the new paid subscribers have to go through the same scrutiny? I hope not.
BTW, my friend has not posted another comment since. Way to go, GoComics. Dorks.
Tom Batiuk is a hack.
Rub your eyes, do a double-take — no, you are not seeing things. That’s really Puff Batty trotting out “Football Fields Are for Band Practice” again.
He resurrects that thing on the regular, and it somehow never gets any funnier.
You’d think it was a world-class, never-fail crowd-pleaser the way he keeps reprising it, the way Paul McCartney plays “Hey Jude” at every show. But maybe I’m just not getting it. When it first appeared in the 1970s, was it a phenomenon among FW readers? A viral sensation?
Even if it was, it’s sad and bizarre to see him try to shoehorn it into the post-Lisa Funkshaftiverse. Applying it to the Rose Parade? Check. Choir practice? Check. Dream sequences? Check. Next up, maybe we’ll see an “OMEA is for band practice seminars!” joke. The ride never ends.
It’s actually a pretty good joke. The very first time it was delivered, I’m sure it came off as legitimately funny. In fact, I’m going to guess that the original “Football fields are for band practice!” was the sort of strip that got clipped and posted on the doors of a large number of bandleaders. Sort of a viral sensation, 1970s pre-internet style — and within a very specific community.
It’s not a joke that gets funnier with repeating tellings, though.
Regarding the speculation on whether TB would be at OMEA, I think we can safely say he’s not. The conference started yesterday, Thursday Feb 6, and he hasn’t posted a thing about it on his blog or Facebook page.
We were speculating on whether the “Kent State” booth we saw listed on the OMEA site was for the Kent State University Press. Apparently it’s for the music school, as some had thought: https://www.kent.edu/music/news/glauser-school-music-2025-omea-professional-development-conference
And yet, we’ve still been “treated” to a week of OMEA-themed dreck with Dinkle in Crankshaft. Why? Possibly when TB wrote these strips a year ago, he thought he would be attending the 2025 OMEA Conference.
Why isn’t he? Pure speculation: Sales have been dwindling, for the reasons we discussed in the last SoSF post comments. And that’s a lot of books to schlep, and a long day for a guy who’s not getting any younger. And who may have had recent eye surgery, based on his long-brimmed hat and shades in his most recent interview.
Looks like it is indeed the end of an era. O tempora! O mores! O MEA!
I don’t think the problem is dwindling sales. I think it’s dwindling autograph seekers.
If Batiuk cared about sales, he’d have his books mass-produced like every other newspaper comic creator does, and add two zeroes to his total book revenue. Making a profit was never his motivation for doing all these tedious book signings, or having Kent State University Press print the stupid things. It’s all in the service of his ego. He wants to be the big shot with the big table and the big stack of books to sign, and make you walk past it so you can see just how big he is. He’s a writer!
I suspect the man makes less money per hour at book signings than I do at my cubicle job.
I was surprised to see the KSU music department being featured at OMEA along with their percussion ensemble. Back in my day The University of Akron was the bigger school of music—especially for aspiring percussionists. (I auditioned there but ultimately chose engineering as my major). I would have liked to see the KSU percussion ensemble perform but didn’t see any events open to the public.
I still cannot believe Batty didn’t attend, he is like Dinkle, always showing up where he isn’t wanted.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Dinkle should’ve been drowned in a Battle of the Bands concert
Related to the Batiukverse: I think Brian Drummond (Vegeta’s voice actor in the Ocean dub of Dragon Ball Z) would be a good voice actor for Dinkle
Scenes we’d like to see:
Dinkle: Churches are for choir practice!!
God: WRONG! CHURCHES ARE FOR CHURCH SERVICES!!!
Lightning strikes. Dinkle is reduced to a cinder. (bwoeh stares out the window and lets out a contented sigh)
To be fair, God does not exist in the Funkyverse… Even the main characters don’t get married in churches….
The Big Dink is actually correct because in his world, churches are just old-style fancy auditoriums for the public to hear his musical genius through the choir, organ, soloist and even his jazz band if the situation calls for it… There’s never any service, mass, communion, reverend, priest, pastor or clergy… Naturally the biggest event of the year is an oddly non-religious “Christmas Concert” that plays to a packed house every night for two weeks. The church is literally the old Valentine Theatre except instead of showing one movie on a 24/7 loop, the Big Dink is the featured attraction.
I know it’s a given that TB doesn’t have the remotest understanding of #MeToo, but it really shows in the Outdated Harassment strip. Lillian’s first defense is that she’s “not that kind (of girl)” which presupposes that if she were “that kind”, she would have no protection against, or justification to refuse, advances from a man. It plays right into rape culture, the idea that men are entitled to access to women, unless another man has prior claim.
#MeToo was about sharing experiences of vulnerability, that it wasn’t only “that kind” but any woman or girl.
If I remember, it was Ruby Lith who brought up #MeToo (to Chester, her employer). TB may have had his hand slapped for the Crankshaft strip that mocked Rose(?) for worrying about assault, but he still seems to think it’s pretty funny when elderly women get sexually harassed or fear sexual harassment.
The woman Ed mocked was his one-time girlfriend Lois. That insult may have been the beginning of the end to their relationship. Rose was the name of Jeff Murdoch’s mother.
Day Three of Sweaty Dinkle Horror Face.
It was tough, but for Worst Crankshaft Strip, I finally settled on “Alt-Right Side of History,” in which Ed proudly asserts he’s going to read (presumably) Mein Kampf.
The whole arc was infuriating for an overflowing cornucopia of reasons. It certainly provoked a lot of passionate discussion at the time, from me and others. I think we can all agree it was a parade of Puffy’s absolute worst tendencies:
• Bumpersticker-depth understanding of a complex issue, proudly flaunted
• Obliviousness to obvious logical and narrative inconsistencies
• Willingness to overthrow long-established character traits for the sake of a few lines of dialogue
• Smugness turned up to 11
• Boring, drawn-out, needlessly complex lead-up
• No denouement, no consequences
• Smarmy After-School Special concluding speech
• And, of course, shameless and transparent award pandering.
… and as lengthy as that list was, I forgot to mention a big one.
• Motivation-free villains.
They don’t really have faces or personalities — that’s a violation of good storytelling right there. A great villain really makes a story. But perhaps we could overlook that, and just accept that the villain is The Faceless Mob.
But what we can’t overlook is the fact that their villainy is purely an “informed attribute.” They’re the bad guys because Tom Batiuk says they are, full stop.
What’s their objection to Fahrenheit 451? Was one of them the arsonist, or was the arsonist/s independent of the mob? Are they operating under the aegis of some group that is pushing Christianity in public schools, and therefore objects to the Bible-burning in the book? Or some social-justice group that finds the language sexist, or advocates for fewer books by dead white men and more by living POC?
Or perhaps they’re objecting because the school board debated the reading curriculum for months and finally arrived at a satisfactory compromise, and Les is unilaterally throwing that curriculum out the window for his pet hobbyhorse. For all we know, the “villains” could actually be what any given reader thinks of as the “good guys.” We have no idea.
He doesn’t care — and doesn’t think we care. But we do. The battle between the F451-haters and the F451-advocates should be at the heart of the story. And that’s why the story has no heartbeat, and we don’t care what happens as long as the tiresome thing wraps up sooner than later.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
MAKE THE DINKLE STORYLINE STOP PLEASE MAKE IT STOP
1. I’ve been out of the loop for way too long… Cindye Sommerse Winkerbeane Jarre is preggers now?? Even if her age is now “locked in” after the strip ended, she’s got to be pushing 60 years old now, easily… Cindye literally has ADULT FREAKING CHILDREN who she never visits or even talks about because it reminds the readership that she’s an AARP member in a 25-year-old’s body and raises too many questions about continuity.
2. Hasn’t the novelty of “A-list Hollywood celebrity visits tiny mediocre Ohio backwater” gotten really stale by now? Along with Cindye dragging her trophy husband to the Westview High Class of 1977 Reunion so she can show him off?
3. So has Masone branched out and built upon the surprise critical success of “The Last Leaf” which was his vanity prestige project? Or is he still churning out Starsuck Jonese movies every couple of years? He’s probably on “Starsuck Jonese Part VIII” now — Won’t be long before he eclipses the “Fast and Furious” franchise…