One day more!
Another day, another travesty.
This never-ending road to banality;
These men with smirks as sick as slime,
Will surely return another time.
One more vote!
One more graph!
One day more!
Your nominees for…
The Worst Crankshaft Strip of 2024
1.) Blasphemy
2.) Outdated Harassment
3.) The Return of Smug Dickery
4.) Wordplaying With Yourself
5.) Alt-Right Side of History
6.) Can’t Miss You if You Won’t Leave
7.) Bully Pulpit
8.) Home on Lagrange
And the Winner Is…
The Return of Smug Dickery
Of course Les would win again. Beating out disgustingly awful strips starring Batton, Dinkle, Lillian and Jeff. Beating out affronts to God and Logic.
All of these were abysmal, and my personal worst was the ‘Alt-Right Side of History’ for spouting a logical fallacy so flimsy a preschooler could poke holes in it.
But Les wins. He wins the ultimate award of superlative badness.
Thus ends the 2024 Crankshaft Awards.
Which brings us to the the fate of the Crankshaft Bobblehead.
Three days ago, the same day as this post from Y.Knott went up, my precious bobblehead prize went missing.
I looked everywhere, every nook and cranny of my room, pulling out drawers and looking under my bed.
Until I heard soft sobbing, muffled by fear and dread, coming from my grandpa’s old WWII Coast Guard footlocker.
I opened it, and there, nestled under my Star Trek branded swim trunks was a panicked and despondent Crankshaft Bobblehead.
He looked up to me, his tiny beady black eyes piercing my soul, seeming to say…’Please, please don’t let that monster Les Moore take me!’
What could I do? “You’ll be living next to an Oscar!” I tried to coax him. But as I lifted him, his fat rubber head twisted desperately from side to side on the flimsy steel spring pegged into his neck.
My heart just broke. I couldn’t do it. How could I, someone who actually likes Crankshaft, subject him to such cruelty? I said he could hide out here, at least for now.
He seemed so relieved. Head bobbling and trembling with joy.
I was a little worried when he disappeared again tonight. Until I heard laughter coming from the guest room, and I found him chatting up my grandma’s old decor.
So I guess he’s staying here for now. No one let Les know.
Coming soon! The end of the Trial of the Century, as brought to you by Banana Jr. 6000.
Son of Stuck Funky 
It’s not just the smugness that irritates me. It’s not even the belief that he can ignore things at will. It’s his paralysis and whining about injustice when faced with making an actual decision.
I bought a Crankshaft bobblehead from FleaBay last week. It didn’t take long to get the buyer’s remorse.
ComicBookHarriet,
Seriously dear:
You need to write books, fiction or nonfiction. I do not care. I will buy and read.
As I read your account of the Bobblehead Mortification, I am transported back to 1823, and read for the first time, “A Visit from St. Nicholas”, better known as “The Night Before Christmas”
Your tale has rhythm, plot, anguish, and sex appeal. [I did not know *Star Trek* even had scanty swimsuits until I read you!]
So I insist you take your place among the best of American verse free form, and sit proudly next to Clement Clarke Moore. He is holding your seat for you!
Pish, have you learned nothing of my midwestern upbringing? I’m gonna FLEE from praise like the plague.
But if any essays ever do see the light of day, I’ll let you know. 😉
ComicBookHarriet,
You may flee from praise, but you cannot hide from it. Especially when it is completely justified.
I would sooner read a short, short story from you than a year’s worth of TB.
💝💜💖🫂🌺💐🌹
I voted for the “The Return of Smug Dickery” option, (Dick Facey’s return was both shocking and disappointing)
Today’s Crankshaft
I have no idea what’s going on this week and have no desire to learn what it is (Crankshaft is far beyond boring at this point)
Les wins the ultimate award of superlative badness.
The champion stood; the rest saw their better.
Lester Moore with Lisa’s blood stained sweater.
I’m glad the bobblehead has found a good home!
Meanwhile…
<adds to CV: “Able to use fear and threats to imbue previously inanimate objects with both sentience and movement”>
Addendum: You must get at least 20 updoots on your threat for it to charge.
I honestly can’t even remember which I voted for. So many of the choices are just so annoying that I probably just picked whichever one irritated me the most as I was looking at them, but they all deserved to win.
Well, I guess maybe we were the only two that voted for “Alt-Right Side of History,” CBH. I understand why the winner won: SO much smug dickery in Les’ ugly mug! SUCH a wall of text to say nothing but “I’m special, ’cause I’m LES, and I know best.”
Yet…. “Alt-Right Side of History” says exactly the same things (smug dickery/Les Exceptionalism), just in a different way. Not a legal fallacy, but a logical one.
PoTAYto, poTAHto.
I think I may have voted at least once for each of these. They don’t all deserve to win, but they did all deserve votes… sort of like how I always look at the bottom of the annual Baseball Hall Of Fame voting results and see a number of good and likable players who are very much not Hall Of Fame worthy but that I am nevertheless glad to see got a few votes (or sometimes sad to see received no votes… whither Jeff Conine).
“Bully Pulpit” might have irritated me the most, because I think it was supposed to be the big climax of the burnings. *Thud*
Les is hard to deny for such an award, the guy just really makes the most of his limited front-and-center appearances these days.
It’s peculiar how TB decided to utilize Best Actress Award Winner Les Moore. Not just a singular cameo appearance. Not enough to be the story arc’s featured character. TB had him appear just long enough to annoy his detractors. Les appears long enough to muck things up then disappear scot-free from any consequences.
Look at Les’s face in the second panel of the winning strip, ‘The Return of Smug Dickery.’ He appears to be saying, “Yeah, haters, it’s me. I’m back. Miss me? *smirk*”
Oh, how I hate him.
The greatest fringe Baseball Hall of Fame candidate was Jim DeShaies. He was a tenured but unremarkable starting pitcher with a good sense of humor. When he was a minor HoF nominee, he made a big to-do of wanting one vote. And he got it! Some sportswriter gave him one, and got a “vote for the common man” column out of it. Now that’s the kind of award-baiting I can get behind.
I had forgotten about that! The one vote for DeShaies came from then-Houston Chronicle columnist and current Houston sports radio gadfly John Lopez. DeShaies was a popular color commentator on the Astros’ local television broadcasts at the time and Lopez contended he did nothing local writers in other markets had not done in the past in giving out token votes.
Nowadays, it’s not even a problem that a few oddballs get Hall of Fame votes. It’s that too many all-time greats don’t get Hall of Fame votes. Because baseball is still being hypocrticially self-righteous about the steroid era it largely enabled. Bonds, Clemens, A-Rod, Palmiero, AND McGwire? Really? (Rose too, but I get why they left him out.)
Coming soon! The end of the Trial of the Century, as brought to you by Banana Jr. 6000.
Oh, we’re far from the end. But we are at a major point.
There are at least two more people to testify.
They were all worthy entries, but I had to go with Smug Dickery. Cayla joining in is what pushed it over the top.
I propose a round of awards just for the titles. I know “Abraham and Sarah” killed me the other day but i have to say “Alt-Right Side of History” remains a personal favorite. Perhaps i’ll get a tattoo!
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strip: July 14th, 1991 of Funky Winkerbean
This was almost 8 years before Lisa got cancer
Ah, the classic Batiuk Sunday strip: a 3-panel cartoon, larded out to 7 panels. (Cut panels 1, 2, 4 and 5, and voila: panels 3, 6, and 7 tell the same adequate joke both faster and funnier.)
On the plus side (for Cindy), it’s been almost 34 years and she apparently still hasn’t turned 30 yet.
I’ve longed to have a Les Moore doll complete with detachable limbs and head. One of my art class projects back in high school was a soft sculpture made from pantyhose and poly-fil. One of these weekends I ought to try my hand at making one. An addition I just thought of tonight is a removable mouth held on by Velcro. That way I could rip the smirk right off of his face.
I’d have to keep the vile creature in a box. Preferably one with a lock. Can you imagine putting the Les Moore doll on a self, where it would be staring and smirking at me?😱 I might even have nightmares when Les Moore doll comes to life and attacks me like the Trilogy of Terror Zuni Doll.
Yeah, on second thought, perhaps it’s for the best if I don’t make one.😌
Maybe Ohio Art would still be in the toy business had they made a Les Moore version of Betty Spaghetty…
Today’s Crankshaft
But what if the kid lives at least 20 minutes from the school?
Today’s Past Batiukverse Storyline: Cindy Gets Caught Cheating On A Test
Carrie: Y’know, Cindy…You can take the school picture during the summer, like Holly does.
Les: Miss Wolfe, Cindy is cheating on the test!
Cindy: YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Ha ha it’s funny because Cindy is a goddamn hypocrite
(in the voice of the Ocean Dub DBZ Narrator) WILL CINDY FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON NEXT MONDAY’S FUNKY WINKERBEAN!
Cindy: Take for example, Ed Crankshaft can’t read and he’s a FUCKIN’ BUS DRIVER!
Cindy: Why do I have to do what the little people do?
Ginny: I eventually confessed to the professor that I copied the essay and apologized.
Fun fact: Cindy is my SECOND least favorite character, behind Dinkle
Here’s my list of least favorite characters
Carrie: I TOLD her not to cheat on the test.
What year was this? It looks a little early for even the popular girl to have a cell phone. It’s like reading a Barney Google from the Great Depression and someone checks their email.
Also, you don’t like Frankie? Frankie was absolutely one of my favorites of the last Act of FW. That boy had moxie.
What year was this? It looks a little early for even the popular girl to have a cell phone.
this storyline ran in the papers in late 1990
To clarify my hatred of the 7 characters in my list
I can’t argue with that list. I’ll defend Act I Dinkle and Cindy, because they were exaggerated characters in an exaggerated world. But in a more realistic environment, they are atrocious people.
If I had to write my list of my ten most hated Funkyverse characters, Les would be at least four of them.
The thing about Frankie is that his schemes basically amounted to putting a post-it with “Kick me” on someone’s back. He’s Reggie from Archie comics.
The thing with Marianne Winters makes her seem more like someone with an uncontrollable neurosis than a victim of scandal press. Of course, she was also a man-hungry starlet. I guess she’s whatever will get Tom those award nominations.
Boy, there are a lot of frivolous lawsuits in the Funkyverse, aren’t there?
In its “Milestones” section, ca. 1950, Time reported a police officer’s account of domestic violence:
“Kid came home after his curfew.
“Got paddled.
“Deserved it.”
Around the same time, the magazine reported a divorce case in which both parents were arguing for the right to custody of their child. The judge interrupted the argument at one point to say:
“I’m not sure whether either of you deserves custody. I think you both stink.”
In reviewing the Ms. Wolfe arc, I was amused to find that Cindy identified Donald Trump as the President of the United States. I’ve heard of “MAD ESP,” but this may be the first instance of “Batiuk ESP.” (Superman, Seismo and Tec-Tonic don’t count.)
“Until someone pointed out that the strip was published on 9/11…”
Probably old news (it’s from a week ago), but check out this excerpt from the latest Match to a Soggy Duraflame:
I’d spent the morning trying to draw in chalk the two spacemen on the Tom Corbett Space Cadet cover. Suddenly at one point I exceeded my wildest expectations and positively nine-year-oldnine-year-me or a nine-year-old?} nailed a drawing of the boots on one of them. Now all I needed was an appreciative audience.
No. What you need is a fucking editor. “9yo9ym or 9yo?}” Do you also need to put a wallet in your mouth?
Recently we had a thread of “When did Funky jump the Dinkle?” The worst that happened to it was the Pulitzer (FAILED) nomination, but maybe it was when he decided he didn’t need editing.
Also, “Chief Tommy” yesterday accused JJ of being an “obstreperous bloviator.” Translated for a locally-born Earth Human, that means “a noisy noisy person.” But, yeah, he’s not Batty’s sock puppet. Normal people talk like Tom does on his blog. Double down who’s-your-ethereal-daddy!
Yeah, what can you even say to that? A 70-something man, who’s also a professional cartoonist, patting himself on the back for something he drew he was nine. And not in a “this episode was the beginning of my journey” way. He uses the same needy tone a nine-year-old would have when he wants his parents to put his work on the refrigerator. “But I totally nailed those boots from the comic book cover, mom!”
For 2 months I’ve read 9 Chickweed. You may not want to read any further, if people can read your screen over your shoulder.
What…what IS this? The characters are hard to tell apart, as their personalities are “Horny” and “Should Be In Jail So Horny.” It’s not helped by its version of the Shining Twins. What ages are Emily and Gothily in Funky? Who knows? Here, they’re named Polly and Lolly, because I guess “Herpes” and “Simplex” were too on the…nose, yeah, it’s on their noses. The first week I read it, they were drawn as 12, 5, 20, in ONE WEEK, but all liked underwater oral sex from drowning people. LOOK IT UP. Last week their parents were in Catholic High School, now Edda and No-Jaw Boy are in their 40s again?
https://www.gocomics.com/9chickweedlane/2025/02/28
2/28, the art is so crap even Dan Don’t-Care Davis would be too embarrassed to scrape it. Look at the 4-fingered hand. Smaller than her nose, her mouth, her eyes, and of course her chin. Brooke’s first sexual experience came from reading the Gumps. What’s happening? I don’t know. Although, like the first word of the 2005 reboot of Doctor Who, “RUN!” is very good advice.
All I can say is: Read this strip before you ever complain about another Dinkle.
ER admissions: “Ah. Mr McDowelrodInMe. Let me guess, you fell in the shower AGAIN, and a bottle of VO5 shampoo got accidentally rammed up your rectum.” (turns) “Hey, TONY! The BIG TIME CARTOONIST’S BACK! GET THE FORCEPS!”
Reading 9 Chickweed Lane is like watching someone else m@sturbate. No thank you.
Read 9 Chickweek Lane? No thanks, that’s a hard pass. I read 9CL for a short while 10 or 15 years ago. That was enough for me. The only character in the strip I liked was Solange the cat.
Hey, I said I was reading 9CL. I didn’t say I was enjoying it. If I only read comics that are more funny than they are “WTF Dude?!” you think I’d be posting on a Funky site?
Then why are you reading 9 Chickweed Lane? You can’t snark on 9CL on GoComics because the comments are turned off. On ArcaMax 9CL, I didn’t see your name in the comments.
Why, @billthesplut? Why are you doing this to yourself? Is reading 9 Chickweed Lane some twisted sociology experiment? Do you read the strip with the same morbid curiosity as people who slow down to gawk at automobile accidents?
Usually, the only time I see 9 Chickweed Lane is when it appears in the “OTHER COMICS YOU MAY LIKE” section on ArcaMax. While I scroll past to read the comments of better features, I usually mutter to myself, “Not today. Not ever“, or “I wouldn’t read that strip if it meant world peace.“
If you need a better roster of comics to read, I’m more than willing to offer some recommendations.
Today’s Crankshaft
OH BROTHER THIS WEEK SUCKS
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strip: May 19th, 1991 of Funky Winkerbean
I think I found a rare poignant strip from Act I
Clearly, he had an editor back then, because you know he wanted to write “How many comic books will never be written, drawn, or lettered…”
“And how many of them could’ve received the Pulitzer for bland tripe? Also, BUY MY COOKING APRON!”
Today’s Crankshaft
FINALLY THIS WEEK IS OVER
Today’s Past Batiukverse Strip: May 25th, 2003 of Crankshaft
this was after a week where Crankshaft complained over having to wear glasses
Hey, kids! Guess who’s banned from GC again!
I said that the strip was bland, boring tripe. That was my heinous sin. Tom’s skin is even thinner than I thought!