CBH here with a short midweek post! Today we close out the remaining strips of Chien’s freshman year. Starting with a moderately amusing and relatable Sunday strip that by modern Funkyverse standards is a frikken masterpiece.
As an insufferable nerd and recovering smug literary elitist, this strip brings back fond memories of my high school clique thinking we were top shelf quirky shittalkers for jokingly calling each other ‘strumpet’ and ‘wench’ rather than ‘bitch’ and ‘hoe’.
Also of note in this early strip is the tension between Chien and Mopey Pete. I get the feeling that Batiuk always had in the back of his mind hooking these two up eventually; but then overstuffed early Act III with too many other plotlines and decided to leave Chien in the memory hole. Despite having Byrnes draw an Act III character sheet for her.
One other minor note of praise for the Funkyverse. (Like praising the crust of stale bread in the garbage that most resembles a crouton.) Darin and Pete’s friendship.
Don’t get me wrong. I hate stupid Mopey Pete. And the only reason I don’t hate Darin is because he’s about as bland as two ply toilet tissue: inoffensive right up to the moment he touches something else truly ass.
But their friendship, from the moment it was introduced, has a remarkable consistency, longevity, and believability. They have shared interests, shared goals, and seem to be happier with each other than alone. We don’t get this from Les and Funky. Or any other so called ‘friends’ in the Funkyverse. (Save maybe Crankshaft and Ralph)
Did Batiuk just crack his inner schoolboy in two and slap a ‘neurotic’ sticker on one, then have both of them act out his fantasies for the next 20 plus years? Yes. But a consistent relationship gives the barest hint from which we can imagine a consistent inner world for these two.
Oh, wait, we were supposed to be talking about Chien, right?
So apparently Chien and Ally not only work on the yearbook but also the school paper. Sure. Why not.
If they can bear Les’ toxic presence, of course he’s going to wrangle them into everything he does.
Here’s the kind of brain melty you can get when you start asking those questions I posed at the beginning of this series.
Is Chien morally/intellectually/philosophically justified in the author’s eyes?
Here we get a ‘grey’ area. Obviously Batiuk loves comics so wouldn’t write them off as ‘testosterone fueled fantasties’. But at the same time, I feel like we’re supposed to understand that Darin and Pete’s comics are a substandard juvenile attempt. So Chien’s perspective here isn’t Batiuk’s, but I don’t think she’s meant to be a straw-woman in black lipstick.
And in January of 1999 we see Darin, Chien, and Ally all working together to gaslight Tony into charitable giving.
That’s it for Chien’s appearances until a new school year rolls around in September of 1999. So it feels like a decent pause point.
Sorry that I’ve been absent in the comments lately. We’re getting into the busiest part of spring, checking fence-lines, moving cows out to pasture, working on machinery, planting crops, and harvesting hay. So for those of you who enjoy the farm stuff, some snapshots from the past couple weeks.
Happy Spring you Beautiful Nitters!
Son of Stuck Funky 
Dammit! I have a talent for posting on the old thread!
Mr. Splut wondered what Chuck Ayers has been doing. He’s been making local news!
I walked Chuck’s labyrinth last summer!
https://www.eventsakron.com/news/2023/07/unveiling-fresh-diggs
If you search for “chuck ayres labyrinth” you will find a few less effusive articles than the one I posted. They are in the Akron Beacon Journal and I believe they’re behind a paywall.
“About the Labyrinth: A wondrous dream set in motion, envisioned by the gifted hometown artist, Chuck Ayers. As our wandering steps unfurl, this labyrinth of art weaves a timeless tale, breathing new life into the sacred grounds…We are not merely voyagers on a final performance, but pilgrims, journeying with open hearts—much like traversing the labyrinth’s enigmatic passages, seeking inspiration and discovery.”
Who wrote this? Some freelancer from Pyongyang? It could only sound more North Korean if it called Ayers “Dear Leader.” And that’s the labyrinth? I’ve seen more exciting art created with sidewalk chalk, and I’m talking for a game of hopscotch.
No one has a comment on The Ed Mug? (pic at the bottom)
https://www.indeonline.com/story/news/2013/09/03/meet-akron-s-chuck-ayers/42096026007/
Your Boss: “It’d be great if you came in Saturday, mmKay?”
You lock eyes with him. “Overtime?”
“Well, you know we can’t afford that. The CEO just bought another yacht!”
Without breaking eye contact for the rest of the conversation, you slowly open a desk drawer. You pull out your Crankshaft Face mug. You slurp from it. slurp
“I will ask…ED.” slurrp
“ED…says…no.” slurrpp
He shuffles from foot to foot. “I mean…there’ll be a pizza party someday! I’d work Saturday, but I have plans!”
You keep staring. “The Vikings drank from the hollowed skulls of their enemies. Isn’t that right–” You empty the mug in a swallow, turn it so you can make unbroken eye contact with its horrific ceramic face. “Right, ED? Eddie’s dead, isn’t he?!” You giggle. You kiss your Ed mug on its blackhead riddled nose.
Your Boss leaves, hurriedly. For some reason, an hour later you’re promoted up to the office of a guy your Boss doesn’t like.
iansdrunkenbeard,
1. Personally, I have not seen you post lately. The fault is mine. So it cheers me to read you.
2. Thank you for the post on Mr. Ayers. I like getting background on these fellows. I did not realize Luigis was just as popular with the artist.
3. Today is Csroberto2854’s 19th birthday.
I realize I missed your birthday also!
So happy 19th birthday to you!
🥇🎁 🎉 🎂
Pete appears to be part of Batiuk that jabbers about being personally attacked when someone is indifferent to his baroque preferences as if it is the fault of others that he invests too much of himself in a distraction.
“They seem to be happier with each other than alone.” Or with their wives.
Today’s Crankshaft
Just how much useless shit does Crankshaft order every year? (that’s a stupid question because the answer is “yes”)
(happy 19th birthday to me)
Happy 19th birthday!🎂 🎉 🎁
I always read you and I enjoy your strips that tell a prolonged story.
Don’t do anything that Be Ware of Eve Hill wouldn’t do!
Please, SP, tell us. What in particular wouldn’t be ware of eve hill do?🤔😉
Be Ware of Eve Hill,
Well Eve, you are prim, proper, dainty, delicate, formal, respectable, neat, precise, honorable. If you were male, you would be on the short list for Pope.
So to answer your question, you can do anything you darn well choose. (In respect for your character, I cleaned that sentence up to meet your high standards!)
happy birthday!
Happy Birthday!
Belated Happy Birthday wishes, @csroberto2854!
“These people… annoy you.”
“I think i know what it is, but I’m not supposed to say it….”
“Ten seconds, Mister Marsh.”
“Okay, I’d like to solve the puzzle. ‘Nitters‘!”
*gasp*
Now I don’t like Pete (other than that one time him being a successful writer made Les green with jealousy), but I do prefer him to Darin. Darin’s blandness is a bug, not a feature for me… other than his blandness making the derisive nickname “Durwood” stick to him so well that I have to remind myself that his name in the strip ISN’T Durwood.
Durwood strips without Pete manage to generally be just as insufferable as Pete strips without Durwood (the one where he creeped on Summer notwithstanding) and while Pete’s sad-sackery and endless shirking wear out their welcome about as quick as anything in the Batiukverse, he does occasionally suffer the consequences of being a miserable, lazy little man. Meanwhile, Durwood’s acquisition of the Rex Morgan MD Protagonist Lucky Horseshoe For Receiving Free Stuff™ at the end of Act II is really just as tiresome. Through absolutely no visible effort or accomplishment of his own, Durwood received: unsolicited romantic attention from the most popular girl in high school, a nose job, an MBA in pizza apps, a management job at Montoni’s he was not at all qualified for, multiple free/reduced price places to live, a spot on the Lisa’s death gravy train, multiple jobs riding on Pete’s coattails, lots of free flights, an Eisner Award nomination, Phil Holt’s estate, a magical age-shifting child, etc. etc.
TB fails when writing for Pete, but with Darin… he doesn’t even try.
How true we ultimately learned this would be… pretty sure that 75% of known Westview residents wound up working at Montoni’s at some point during FW‘s run.
ComicBookHarriet,
1. I didn’t even know there was an Ally. This is the first I have ever seen her. Too bad she is related to Pete. ((What was his last name?🤓) Are you setting odds that Ally will be included in the wedding?
2. I always love the farm picks. That is quite the herd of cattle! All are beautiful. I see the white calf is still shy.
Your creek needs a bench or picnic table. That is a perfect spot for meditation. I would wager that your significant other also enjoys it. 😍
Your farm has the other 2 requirements I have for land: moss/fungus and fossils. That one is a beauty.
Thank you for posting!
Do you favor Muscatine or Montrose for your watermelon festivals? (Me-it would be hard to resist the World’s Largest Watermelon Monument.)
Which one is the song “Watermelon Crawl” about?
Banana Jr. 6000,
Sorry BJ. That Watermelon Crawl is sung to a Georgian drawl.
Yup. Watermelon Crawl is set in Rhine County GA.
Fun Fact! I saw Tracy Byrd perform Watermelon Crawl live in 1996 when he was opening for Sawyer Brown at the Wapello County Fair.
Also. Muscatine Melons all the way. They have a cantalope you can only buy fresh and local because it doesn’t ship well. Tastes like heaven.
i was a country western dj for a year and i saw pretty much anyone who was relevant at the time, as this was part of my job. So i probably saw Tracy Byrd. My favorite was Mark Collie, who put on a pretty good show, and who i actually got to introduce.
Chien and Ally not only work on the yearbook but also the school paper. Sure. Why not.
At my high school, they were the same staff. Even if they weren’t, there would be a lot of overlap.
So, you think Crankshaft is boring with its endless recitation of tools? The same joke, over and over?
Well, here I am to cheer you up! Count your blessings, as this week on 9 ChickWTF Lane, we’ve had a pair of tweeners screaming through a bathroom door about how quickly their pubes are growing.
You can reread that sentence. I refuse to, and I wrote it.
When exactly did Ally change her name to Bernice and jump over to Luann?
I’m willing to subscribe to this theory, as Bernice is pretty much the Les Moore of Luann. Les told Ally/Bernice to stay out of his lane, so she jumped ship to the Evansverse.
Bernice wasn’t the problem this week. She thoughtfully volunteered to go away so Luann could have a dinner date with her OMG CUTE GUY. But Luann insisted Bernice stay, as part of a cockamamie scheme to invite a nursing home resident over for dinner so her crush Phil would come too. Did I mention Luann and Phil have already kissed, and this is all completely unnecessary?
I’m going to hear BIG SANDY at LOU’S tonight! I’ll ask them to play Watermelon Crawl as a followup to Muddy Boots!
Today’s Crankshaft
If only it were Ed who started the Byrnings (it would’ve been infinitely more interesting than the stairs to the bookstore being burned)
In fairness, it would have been infinitely more interesting if literally anything whatsoever had happened in that story.
Today’s Past Batiukverse Storyline: The Issue With Backpacks (Feat. Mooch Myers)
for some reason, the “teens are short” trope bugs me (which is why i headcanon Ally to be 5’5″, Jess to be 5’7″, Mopey Pete to be 5’8″, Mooch to be 5’11”, Bulk to be 6’0″, Darin to 6’2″ and Matt as 6’4″)
also I think Mooch/Sir Nuts-A-Lot is gonna have severe back pain for several years over how heavy that backpack is
how heavy does a backpack has to be in order to shatter a window
So THAT’S why the backpack weighed so much! Mooch had a FUCKING MICROWAVE IN IT
Les: Your WHAT!?
So Les’ coffee mug has either a picture of excrement or vomit. That had to’ve been a gift.
I like the comic silliness of Mooch having a microwave oven in his backpack (also dig the Powerbook 100, not so much the raisins though), but c’mon TB… don’t name a character “Mooch” and then make him some sort of over-preparing worrywart.
I also rather like the strip’s artwork from this time, Les’ nematode era.
Time to update the Batiukionary? Seen on Bored Panda today:
“Never order an alcoholic drink by name, they will up charge you. Example: order a vodka orange juice ($5) vs a screwdriver ($6.50)
Source: I am a bar manager.”
Tom wasn’t making stuff up! He was giving Sound Financial Advice to Alcoholics! Even a broken clock is right twice a day! But not a broken digital clock, that’s just a boring blank screen you stare at every day, although it never changes, wondering why you’re even doing this to yourself. Like Crankshaft!
Today’s Crankshaft
stonks or whatever because this week is just about over and we’ll be back to either Lillian doing Lillian stuff or Crankshaft doing stupid shit
unrelated to the Batiukverse: Happy 77th birthday, Rex Morgan (the comic strip)
i would think the screwdriver would be cheaper, because everybody knows what it is. If anything, calling it a vodka and orange makes it more work.
I also think they wouldn’t give you a discount for an “X and Y with a splash of Z”, once it starts sounding like Karen’s Starbucks order.
CS, 5/11:
The biting, cutting-edge social satire of Tom “Everything peaked with Flash #123” Batiuk: “Don’t use Napster.”
Is that the joke? She’s been cross-stitching her cross-stitching (thanks for making that clear, Chief Tommy) for 25 YEARS? What’s next, “I think these Nickelback guys are the future of music! I find those popup ads for the X10 spy camera totally not rad! And invest in neon-green fanny packs, they’ll be here forever!” (Tom walks off, shuffling in his JNCO jeans)
I made a whole new thread for this very question.