As Promised

44 thoughts on “As Promised”

1. < r/oldpeoplefacebook >

   GOOD WE HAV HD ENOGH OF THE DISCUSTING POLITITAL POSST

   THAKY OU CHB GOBBLES < /r >

   Good find on the c&p for the Dinkle stuff by the way. Always amazing how there’s more to be found.

2. God, this is awful! she thought. Is this pizza made of grease and gristle? Is–

   Her ears perked up. At least the one with the cochlear implant. The one nearest that blockbuster bomb. Oh, he said it again, and his buddies thought it was just as funny the second time. She tensed up. Her hand moved to the pepper spray.

   Then her eyes brightened. She smiled. He said “Yeah, Montoni’s isn’t exactly New York style pizza, huh?”

   “Dude, I had better pizza in Beirut. While it was being shelled! Why for god’s sake are we…here?”

   “Because no one would expect us in the Devil’s Asshole of…” He practically spat the word, “Westview.” They were the lucky ones, the ones who gave up on this rust belt shithole after graduation.

   He subtly passed the envelope below the table. Wow, lots of documents, Chien thought. Mooch really came through. “Any pictures of…Cheeto?”

   “LOTS of cat pictures, ooh, lots in there!” He leaned in and whispered. “What did those fucks say?”

   “The fat one, with the red hat and rotting nose, called me ‘Chink Chick.’ His buddies thought it was hi-lar-i-ous.”

   “Oh, Syphilitic Ed? Did he ask you if you ‘spoke Asian’?” Chien and Mooch laughed. That’s what their worst teacher, Mr Moore, asked her once. Okay, not once, like ten times!

   He looked at her like he did in high school. She laughed, and shook her head. “You know I’m already married!”

   Mooch joked “Yeah, to the Grim Reaper!” Chien thought–in another world, in another time, we might’ve been…He said “You’re not gonna go to fucking Myanmar, right?”

   “Once was enough!” she laughed. “Never again!”

   The fat, rot-nosed asshole ran over a child the same day. It was ignored by the police. The envelope Mooch gave Chien led to the collapse of a government.

3. This might not have set the world on fire but it’s miles ahead of what he’s doing now. Makes you appreciate Bill Watterson for leaving before we got sick of him.

   1. Yes, Watterson was wise to go out while on top. I believe he was exhausted as he truly went out of his way to create a quality strip. Batty on the other hand acts as if he is a master of his craft, struggling to create perfect art, but yet he cannot even convey a simple message in a meaningful way. Over on Mary Worth, it appears Moy and Brigman have given up completely.
      Do the syndicates have to accept whatever garbage the creators produce?

      1. Oh, what a glorious/awful shitshow Mary Worth is. After what happened yesterday, Wilbur should be reacting like Ace Ventura when he figured out Einhorn was Finkle.

      2. The syndicates literally do not care what the content of a comic strip is … as long as enough newspapers continue to run the feature and it’s therefore generating a profit for them. That’s all there is to it.

         1. It could be squiggly lines in Zulu for all they care.

      3. Since they don’t seem to care about the quality because it’s ‘just’ a comic strip, yes, they’re going to let him suck and fail.

4. <i>Galaxy Quest</i> story: the first time I ever saw that movie, I randomly stumbled on it on TV and got interested. I recognized Tim Allen and Allen Rickman, but could not figure out who that actress was! “I know I’ve seen her before, who is that?” I loved the movie, but this was driving me nuts. I watched the credits with interest, and when I saw the bimbo was Sigourney Weaver, I cracked up. What a great bit of stunt casting.

5. Today’s Crankshaft

   (sigh) Now it’s the Mathews twin’s time to shine

   also why are they still in school despite graduating in 2022

   1. Oooo, I wonder how atrocious Batiuk is going to unknowingly make Lillian look this week! It’s appalling that high school-aged (this week, anyway) children have been working for free all this time. I’m sure that stupid unviable attic bookstore is violating child labor laws, on top of all the zoning laws.

      1. So she’s willing to pay one of them? Which means she could have at least been giving them half a wage under the table all this time? Do go on.

         1. You know, Lillian, you really shouldn’t tease God when you’re 106 years old, and your painful, ironic death would be a good example for others.

6. But if Irma’s playing tennis, who’s running her diner?

   1. 

7. Political comments Class 5 from blog commentators with Alpha 7+ clearance are still acceptable, though, right?

   RIght, then. Deal with this hot take! Ernest C. Drury, premier of Ontario, Canada from 1919 to 1923, though by no means perfect and today largely forgotten even within the Canadian political sphere, overall did a fairly reasonable job of governing during a difficult period!

8. Groovy. Another week of Gas-Fumes Garage Bookstore. Are the Shining Twins going to learn how to become writers? (shakes 8ball) “All signs point to Yes.”

   Published Author with Book Signings is the only path to redemption in this benighted universe. Way to connect with your audience, Tom. Marvin does poop jokes. Pluggers does middle-of-the-night pee jokes. Crock does pre-Battle of Algiers jokes. Mary Worth does “I ate ALL the edibles and wroted a comical strip WhEE” jokes. You do jokes about Ohioana. I so relate to you guys. Fingers on the pulse of America. Your jobs are secure.

9. CS, 6/10:

   Twin One: “I am Sweeney!”

   Twin Two: “I am TODD!”

   Both together, in a horrific unison: “YOU HAVE NOT ENOUGH MEAT FOR A PIE.”

   Lillian leaves. In packages of dog food.

   They look at each other and nod. “MORE FLESH. Mad Cthulhushaft needs MORE FLESH”

   (sitcom laugh track)

10. Today’s Crankshaft

    Looks like Lillian needs both Emily and Ameila to help her with stuff in the bookstore

    1. Meanwhile in Mary Worth

       WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED IN THIS STRIP

       1. Incest!

       2. I’m clearly in a minority of one but I’ve been loving Mary Worth. Absolute fanservice (what MW reader doesn’t want to see Wilbur humiliated?), and the art’s been on point, crazy Sanpaku eyes, off-kilter Dutch angles, knife closeups, and all. Panel-of-the-year contenders abounded. They even brought the goldfish into the plot. Comedy gold, and obviously not intended to be taken seriously.

          Plus, I thought it was gonna be Mary at the door, interrupting the poisoning — and no, it wasn’t the most original plot device to have Belle’s dad look like Wilbur, but at least it wasn’t boring or predictable.

          More importantly, there was a plot with a beginning, middle, and end, and it was coherent.

          TB should read, and learn.

          1. I’m tired of seeing Wilbur humiliated. I mean he deserves it, but so do all the other characters in that strip.

             1. Wilbur humiliated? Pfffft. Wilbur is a clone of Les Moore. He’s the hero and/or victim of every story he’s in. His indecision, incompetence, and middle school-level lovesickness do serious damage to other people’s lives. But everyone else bends over backwards to enable him. He’s supposedly a writer though he can’t even communicate clearly, and his subject matter is self-indugent and exploitative of others. And unlike Les, Wilbur doesn’t even do his own work.

                I once posted a big rant about the “dress shop” FW Sunday strip, where Les blows off his dead wife’s ghost and traumatizes his teenage daughter, for absolutely no reason. Much of what I said there applies to Wilbur and Mary Worth as well.

                I like Josh’s interpretation that Wilbur and Dawn are quietly driving off to start a new life. Because this incident would make Wilbur radioactive to everyone else in the strip. Wilbur let a dangerous, mentally ill, implicitly incestuous woman fly cross-country uninvited, move in, and make at least two murder attempts. Which he and Dawn still haven’t even figured out yet, despite Belle leaving despite an abundance of clues! And not once did Wilbur take any kind of stand. He wouldn’t even say why he refused to eat food he thought was poisoned. Somehow, he’s going to be both the hero and the victim.

             2. Slight disagree there BJ6K. Wilbur is a clone of Act I Les Moore. He’s sometimes sympathetically presented, but the authors know that he’s a self-centered asshat with big flaws, and they present him to the audience as the same. And the authors have punished him for it by having multiple girlfriends dump him. Think of how the Wilbur falls from a cruise ship fiasco panned out? Or how Wilbur was presented when he openly said he was hoping for an ex girfriend’s marriage to end in divorce so he’d be there to pick up the pieces, AT THE WEDDING?

          2. on the topic of Mary Worth: If there could be a anime of it, I hope Mary Worth (in the Japanese dub) is voiced by either Taketora (Akuma’s current Japanese Voice actor) or Masanori Shinonara (the current voice actor of Kazyua Mishima) (no reason I think it would be hilarious if the ol Meddlin’ She-Devil sounded like Kazyua or Akuma)

          3. The Drake of Life,
             Drake, I join you. Mary Worth has been a hoot. Such drama! Belle is such an over the top character. I am sorry about the ending. Moy had weeks more material to draw from. Like you, I thought that was Mary herself at the door. 🚪 I was hoping for a confrontation between Mary and Belle. I should have known better because it would require for Mary to lose her observer status and actually become a participant. (My 1st choice was participater!) Perhaps we can stage a reenactment for SOSF. Maybe you as Dawn. You are such a young thing. I know. I know. We could get Be Ware of Eve Hill for Belle. Let’s get ComicBookHarriet to play Mary. She would be perfect.
             Hmmnn? (He turns around and sees no other male SOSF applicants.) Crap Damn! I don’t want to be stuck with Wilbur!!!! I am being type casted!
             Arrrgh!!!

             1. If anyone is gonna play little miss crazy eyes, it’s gonna be me! It’s a role I was BORN to play.

                But yes. I’ll join you two in the camp of enjoying this Mary Worth storyline for how batshit insane it was. Mary Worth needs to do something truly insane at least once every couple years, it is what makes it what it is.

             2. ComicBookHarriet
                Be Ware of Eve Hill
                How can we settle this casting problem between you and bwoeh? I know, in the spirit of Mary Worth, CATFIGHT!

             3. I’ve seen where this story is going, and there is only one correct casting for Wilbur Weston and Belle Batsfrey: Mason Jarre and Marianne Winters.

             4. Banana Jr. 6000
                There went my one forlorn hope for stardom. 😢

             5. Would the community be interested in a blog post about the current Mary Worth story? Like I said, there are a lot of interesting comparisons to Lisa’s Story. Use upvote/downvote on this post to say yay or nay.

             6. I’ve never been able to see or participate in upvoting or downvoting — it must be a feature not available to certain browsers. Anyway, everyone here — please mentally add an upvote from me to everything you’ve posted!

                I stopped reading Mary Worth with the strip that brought Wilbur back. I thought it was a reasonably interesting and daring idea to kill him off; there’d be fallout to deal with, characters affected by his passing, and new characters to take his place (while his friends and relatives stayed on). It was the first time I found the writing of the strip remotely promising, instead of third-rate camp. But as soon as I saw the strip that resurrected Wilbur, I was 100% OUT. And I do mean OUT — gone that same day, completely and irrevocably. Haven’t so much as looked at the strip since, and never, ever will (as least as long as the same writer is involved.)

                But if you want to do a blog post on Mary Worth, doing a ‘compare and contrast’ essay between MW and Lisa’s Story? Go for it! Discussing Batiuk’s work in unusual contexts is what makes this site go ’round…

             7. Oh, Y. Knott
                I am with you. I remember that dark day, Wilbur was resurrected. It was a huge F-U to MW’s readers. Let me tell you it was a dark day in Kansas City. I have no memory of when the strip was posted, but it was the only day in KC history we got blizzard 🥶 warnings, hurricane 🌀 warnings, heat 🔥index through the roof, and moderate flooding☔️. The Royals, Chiefs, Sporting KC, Missouri, Kansas, and K State all lost that day. Worst of all, I stubbed my toe! It was like the entire city was under the wrath of Be Ware of Eve Hill. Devil Kitty indeed.

             8. Wilbur is like a wrestling heel. He walks the line between heat (when the crowd hates you because you’re an effective villain) and X-Pac Heat (when the crowd hates you because they want a better performer). Wilbur sucks, but he sucks in a way that keeps me interested in the show. Some people don’t want to give Karen Moy credit for that, but I will. If your job is to make me you hate your character, and I genuinely *do* hate your character, then you’ve succeeded. You’ve earned a reaction out of me, and I’ll give you what you want.

11. Why does Lillian need 2 assistants? Why does she need even 1? The only times I remember seeing customers in her 1-room, carbon monoxide-filled garage attic has been during the Borings. Is Les the Pest going to ban another book? (And run away, taking no responsibility for his actions, This Is The Way of Westview) And Borings v.1, when she had 2 customers–and 2 books? (After the end of civilization, depicted by a slightly askew book sign, but they had robot librarians and antigravity, sure TB, I’ll buy Ultron and the SHIELD Helicarrier, but the MCU has never claimed to be anywhere near reality, let alone a quarter-inch)

    Honestly, she’s had more arsonists and angry mobs than customers. Have TimeMop go to the future and give her RoboCrone. She can fight ED-209! (It’s Ed’s brain in a robot with flamethrowers. Available at Bean’s End of Civilization!)

12. CS, 6/11:

    Wow, instant hirer’s remorse. What is she hiring them for? We’ve seen the store never has customers. It’s canon that Centerville, from November to March, is a non-stop blizzard. From April to October, it’s Noah-level Great Deluges. The only job this benighted hellhole should have is filling sandbags before the levee breaks again. Maybe those unsold copies of Lillian’s “Murder at the Kindle Download” are very absorbent.

    1. The only viable career paths in Westview/Centerville would be meth dealer, meth cook, meth rehab, meth police, and zookeeper for methed-up zoo animals.

13. Today’s Painfully Boring Crankshaft

    Lillian, why are you regretting this decision only a second into making it

    1. Lillian, why can’t you rescind the decision you have just made a literal second ago if you regret it.

       Oh, hah, wait, sorry. This is a Tom Batiuk strip, so nobody can help themselves. That’s right.

14. Today’s Past Batiukverse Storyline: Carrie Gets Caught Shoplifting

    

    

    

    If I were in Carrie’s place, I would’ve confessed immediately and take the punishment instead of running away

    

    

    

    I assume that since Cindy and Carrie are 17 in this strip, the punishment would be either community service or juvenile detention and possibly a scolding for Carrie

    

    

    

    

    

    

    I have a feeling that if Cindy was the one who did the shoplifting, she would be sorry only because she got caught and not out of genuine remorse

    1. In the early 90s, I was a manager in a Sam Goody. It was naturally a shoplifter’s magnet, as CDs and VHS tapes were small and easily resold. Every few months, we were hit by professional shoplifters, who could snag thousands of $ in one go.

       Mall security didn’t give a shit. It wasn’t their job to stop them! It was either up to us, or it all walked out the door. But, yeah sure, $2 lipstick, they’ll run over. In dress suits. Another thing to add to the list of “Things Tom doesn’t understand, nor cares to find out.”

       We’d get people walking out without the security tags being deactivated. Once, as I wasn’t allowed to leave store property if I was the only manager, a coworker went after an old guy–just to deactivate the tag, so it didn’t happen to him in every store. A minute later, she came back in shaking. “He kept screaming at me!” I should point out that her nickname was “Cindy Lou Who,” as she looked like her. 5 feet tall with big blue eyes, she even did her blond hair in a topknot. “Go take a break, and come back once you’ve calmed down!” I told her. Then the chief of mall security came in. “An old man claimed you sent a ‘gang of guys’ to ‘harass’ him.” I heard the back door close, and pointed to the blond tuft of hair you could barely see over the browser signs. “That’s your gang of guys. She’s 19 and weighs 85 pounds.” But that’s the type of thing they’d investigate. Thanks for saving us, Blart!

    2. Perfect example of Batiuk cutting around the actual emotions in the story.

15. Today’s Crankshaft

    “YAWN”

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