Omphaloskepsis 

BOY I CAN’T WAIT FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK OF THE SAME 12 BATTON THOMAS HEADS PASTED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN YES SIR.

We are reaching levels of pointless navel gazing approaching the mythical.

And I don’t even sit here wondering, “Who is this for?”

Because it’s for Tom. No one else.

As he nears his twilight hours, he looks back on his life and sees that his artistic ambition has only produced one massive work of significance: The Funkyverse, and he must achieve immortality within it.

Tom, like a dying replicant on a rainy roof, is overcome with the compulsion to speak aloud to his captive audience all the profound experiences recorded in his decaying brain.

“I’ve seen things you snarkers wouldn’t believe. Rainy leaves mouldering inside a dampened portfolio. Book signings inside voluminous convention halls. A rock with a weird notch in it. All those moments will be lost in time, like newsprint in mulch. Time to die.”

(Bloggers Note: Sorry I’ve been an absentee blogmeister for the last couple weeks. Dad’s been expecting more outta me lately as far as farm work goes, and so my mental batteries were pretty depleted. Thanks so much to Banana Jr. for being a champ teammate on this and picking up some of the slack. Love you all, and hope to be back in the snarking saddle again!)

76 thoughts on “Omphaloskepsis ”

  2. “No, I’m not returning any of the money.”

    Do I detect the tiniest, milliseconds-long flicker of self-awareness? It’s a quote from Tom’s latest blog post, and is the entirety of his comment on yet another weak John Darling strip.

    Or quite possibly … a comment on his entire career.

    Could it be? Is some microscopic part of Tom Batiuk cognizant of the idea that he’s a terrible writer who is completely undeserving of any sort of monetary compensation for his efforts? But who also knows that he is too selfish and too egotistical to walk away from the only tangible recognition he has ever or WILL ever receive for his work?

    It may be the most interesting thing Batiuk’s posted in years. Which is not to say it’s entertaining. Or good. Or amusing. Just that it’s a peek into a mind that we thought was completely self-absorbed, without even a trace of self-awareness. Now, apparently, there’s a miniscule, sub-atomic, infinitesimal trace…

    Look for Batton Thomas to say this line of Batiuk’s, maybe this week … maybe almost exactly a year from now.

  3. Yes, this is Tom looking back at his own life. And that’s what so pathetic about it. The only thing that ever mattered in his life was “almost” getting that comic book job. He has absolutely nothing else to talk about. Not even for an ostensibly fictional character, who could be a more fanciful version of himself. The man is so disconnected that he can’t even write stories about his own life anymore. When he dies, his tombstone will say “interviewed at Marvel and DC, 1973” and nothing else.

  4. It has a certain Grant Morrison quality to it, the idea that the fiction you create is independent of you and has a life of its own–and that you could insert yourself into it and become immortal, albeit the creator trapped in his own creation…

    How can anything be this gnostic and still so dull

    1. TB deserves to be trapped in his own creation… and yet, his apparent immunity to the hell he’s brought forth makes such a scenario deeply unsatisfying.

      1. I think a permanent existence in the Funkyvese would quickly become Batiuk’s hell. A hell of no comic books except the crappy ones Atomik Komix makes. A hell of no pizza except Montoni’s. A hell of no entertainment except Lisa’s Story, The Phantom Empire, and high school band concerts. A hell where there is no possibility of fame or accomplishment, because the world ends at the edge of town. (New York, Chateau Marmont and San Diego Comic-Con are just sound stages.)

        1. Of course there’s comics other than Atomik Komix. All he has to do is go to the corner drug store and find Action Comics #1, Detective Comics #27, and Amazing Fantasy #15, all in pristine condition and for cover price!

        2. “What makes you think this is Heaven, Mr. Batiuk? This IS the other place!”

  5. It’s kind of sad that he looks back at his past with regret because he couldn’t huff and puff to his mother about making a livinng in comics.

    1. Hell, he draws newspaper comics for a living, isn’t that close enough to what he wanted? Nope. Definitely not.

      1. Telling the poor sap to take the win would be futile. Eight year olds are, after all, really bad at seeing when they’ve got it mad.

      2. Guy got his first comic strip in 1972, and from 1979 to 2022, had MULTIPLE comic strips running at the same time. FORTY-THREE YEARS he was writing two strips (except for that three-year period from 1987 to 1990 where he had THREE strips running). That’s, like… not a small accomplishment, and usually the type of thing that one would consider “successful”. There’s really no reason for him to be lamenting the career he DIDN’T have.

        But Batiuk’s gotta Batiuk, I guess.

        1. He looks for all the world like a successful businessman lamenting not being a lion tamer like he thought he’d be when he was eight.

        2. I think Batiuk is lamenting the fact that he isn’t as famous as Jim Davis, Charles M. Schultz and/or Bill Watterson in the Comic Strip community

          1. I wonder if cartoonists are that snobbish amongst each other? I guess Batiuk might be considered a lesser talent since he was writing all of those and gave up on his own art style. But OP is right, to any objective measure he’s had a pretty amazing run.

            As for fame among the public, well, i know a lot of public intellectuals in my general field aren’t really that impressive, so i can only assume that ‘fame’ is pretty random indeed.

  6. I thought yesterday “The Very Important Rock is going to be a VW in the snow.” Like the last trip to the cholera-laden well of Batton, it’s introduced as a moment of great portent, and instantly forgotten. And today, it’s the Very Important Wet Leaf. Tomorrow, it’ll be “Why is my precious portfolio ruined?! It’s like some knob used it as an umbrella!”

    (No, it won’t be. He has no continuity, even in stories he’s telling about himself)

    Batman’s all “Listen to this crock. What did you promise yourself, to be an egotistic schmuck?”

  7. I hate to interrupt our discussion. There is a suicide hotline on our website. My cousin committed suicide this morning or last night. She is around 30yo. I have known her since she was 12. I had the chance to visit her and her Dad when they lived in Shanghai. She did her college in LA. Then came to work in Missouri. There is an expression: Life is a bitch, and then you die. There is truth in that. Here is more truth. Suicide is extremely contagious. If any of us are feeling that way, please get help. Depression reacts to so many different types of treatment. Many of us can agree to that.
    Do not feel that you have to respond. That is OK.
    So, I will close with this: Life is a bitch, and then you die, but it is worth it.

    1. Deepest, deepest, deepest condolences to you and your family, SP.

      Life is full of a thousand wonderous little pleasures. It’s worth living for pizza alone.

      1. Absolutely! I have had pizza and company that have been the greatest of pleasures. Thank you, ComicBookHarriet. You are loved.

    2. Sorry to hear it. I had two distant relatives who did the same. It becomes something of a vaguely sensed pain, like you know something is missing, but you don’t want to spend time to identify why; because you know, but it doesn’t go away. And you have to wonder if everyone feels the same way, but there’s nothing to be said.

    4. Deepest condolences to you and your family, SP. I’ll second everything you wrote.

    5. I’m so sorry to hear about your cousin. Losing someone you care about is incredibly painful, and I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.

      Please know that even though you said no response was needed, I wanted to acknowledge your pain, your honesty, and your strength in saying what so many people would struggle to say. You honored your cousin by speaking up, and you may very well help someone else hold on.

      Your reminder about the importance of seeking help is vital. If you ever want to talk or share memories of her, I’m here for you. Take your time; you’re not alone in this.

      1. Be Ware of Eve Hill,
        Those are very kind words. All of you have helped me shoulder this pain. Thank you.
        Eve, I will send a note much later tonight about how you can get in contact with me. All of you are loved.

    6. My deepest condolences. It’s never easy losing someone, especially in that way.

      1. Green Luthor,
        Thank you, my friend. All of us have lost someone dear, haven’t we?
        On a happier note, I saw your namesake, Nicholas Hoult, yesterday in Superman. In fact, the film had just begun when I received word about my cousin. There was little I could do, so I stayed in the theater with my brother. Mr. Hoult did your name proud.

      1. Thank you, Mela. She was loved and accepted. The police have her suicide note, but I expect that note will raise more questions than it will answer.
        Mela, you have a kind heart. ❤️

      1. Thank you, csroberto2854.
        I enjoy your posts and your deep dives!
        Carry on wayward son!*
        (with apologies to the original wayward sun: Be Ware of Eve Hill!)

    9. I am very sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your family at this time, SP.

      1. Thank you, Y. Knott.
        On Saturday, during the funeral, I will think of all the kind people comforting me from SOSF. All of you guys are such a special group of people. Thank you!

        1. On an off-topic note, I will also be at a funeral on Saturday. I’m sure I will think of you and your family that day as well.

    10. My sincere condolences and prayers to you and yours, sorialpromise. I apologize for being tardy in offering them, I thought I had posted as such here yesterday but I must have messed that up.

      1. billytheskink,
        Thank you for your kind words . Do not feel bad. The only wasted condolences are those not given. And in this case, I know I have received many thoughts and prayers that were not written. That’s the kinda folks we have at SOSF.

    11. I am so very sorry for your loss, and for all of your family and all those who knew and loved her. I’m no professional, but I do have experience with family suicide, and I know you’re right when you say that desire is the depression talking. It changes a family forever. Only when my mother-in-law developed dementia could she openly talk about her daughter’s suicide, and in a strange way she needed that gift of opening up about it before she herself passed.

      My husband and I will be offering prayers for your cousin and all your family tomorrow as you mourn her loss and, I hope, are able to celebrate her life as well. Far too short though.🙏😔

      1. mrvy,
        Bless you! Those are sincere words. Thank you.
        It saddens us all that we have experienced suicide in our lives. Death is so final, but your story about your mother-in-law reveals life is often mysterious.
        God bless you.

    12. So sorry for your loss. I know the feeling, I lost my sister’s husband and my wife’s brother over the course of three years. I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. My niece was the one to find her father, I so wish I could have taken the hit for her.
      Please consider seeking therapy, it helped me. My therapist lost his daughter to suicide. He said with all his training he couldn’t see it coming, nobody can. He told me to be kind and smile at people, your smile might be the thing that gets them through another day.

      Take care of yourself and your family during these tough times.

      1. Thank you,Rusty. You are right. Talking about the pain is the first line of defense. I appreciate you.

  8. Thank you, [0]!
    I worked in the field until I retired. Some patients would tell me, “My family will be better off without me.” That is just the illness talking. I do not know if it applies to my cousin. The reality is the families can never escape the pain. We need to tell our families that we always love them.
    [0] you are a good person.

  10. You don’t ever have to apologize for being busy with the farm, Harriet.

    My toughest jobs were working on a loading dock, working for a drilling company, and working at a hospital. I never worked more than 14 hours in a day or 60 hours per week, and I never started before 7 am (except for a year when I worked nights). When I had my own business all my equipment was worth about $30,000. I know that those jobs were only a fraction as difficult as owning a farm. My hat’s off to you, Harriet, for putting food on our tables! Thank you!

    1. 100% true. Farmers never get enough love for helping us all do stuff like eat, stay alive — you know, all those fun things. Also, some of them are apparently world-class snarkers! You know the old Midwestern expression, “Come for the soybeans, stay for the snark!”

  11. This is a man who’s so stupid that he thinks it’s wrong to mistreat and be ungrateful to his dad by learning about other. better hotels.

    1. Yeah, New York is famous for its hotels and restaurants, and this guy goes straight to Howard Johnson’s for both. And brags about it. Wowee.

  12. 7/16:

    SKIP, Monday: “Tell me about this rock, and please make the story meaningless!”

    Tues: “There has to be a fascinating backstory to this 50 year old wet leaf!”

    Weds: “OOOOH, did you have the clams with ketchup, or tartar sauce? Was there one overfried black clam that you ate and it tasted like charcoal? How clean were the bathrooms? How thick was the toilet paper? Please, we need these details for History!”

    Thurs: “WHAT?! You were there during the Alien Invasion of the Astro-Scum?! How did the utter obliteration of Manhattan affect your digestion?”

    Tom is a Bottomless Well of Tom.

  13. Just when you think that Batton Zero’s stories literally couldn’t get more pointless, somehow they do.

    Batty’s infatuation with NYC is so baffling. He’s clearly fixated on the place, but all of his many stories about it boil down to: I was in NYC! Me! Tom! I’ve been there multiple times! I’m practically a New Yorker!

    But he never talks about the city itself. What’s it like? What are the people like? Has he encountered anyone or anything interesting? Any incidents he’s seen or been part of that stand out in his mind? What are his overall impressions — *something* about this city impresses the hell out of him, apparently, so what is it? Architecture? History? Culture? Entertainment? Attitude?

    Bupkis. We get nothing. Just, “I, Tom Batiuk, was in the City of New York, an exotic locale nearly a 7 hour drive from my home! Be amazed!”

    1. I know right? Wow, I would go every summer as kid on our way to Connecticut to visit family, and then on to Montreal. I mean I had a great time but it’s not comic strip level interesting, it’s barely comment worthy.

    2. Why on earth is Batiuk still drawing attention to this? We know he doesn’t get his precious comic book job. We know he never will. What is the point of going back to New York, when he doesn’t do the only thing he went to New York to do? Is Batton trying to prove he “kept his promise” by going to a Howard Johnson’s? He’s rules-lawyering himself again.

      1. And let me clarify, we did not eat at the Howard Johnson’s. We dined in local places. We’d also go to Brooklyn to see the house where my father’s aunts used to live.
        I get it that Batty would find the experience intimidating, but instead of reflecting on his feelings in an interesting way, he tells another boring story that he thinks is deep.

        1. I remember going to Howard Johnson’s when I was a kid. There was one in my hometown, and we had many family dinners there. I even remember the fried clams, because I liked them too. I have fond memories of the place, but mostly because these were innocent childhood days spent with my loving family.

          Also, HoJo has a lot of nostalgia value, because it filled a market niche that no longer exists. And we were that niche: a young family on a long car trip that needed cheap food late, and a room for the night. Nowadays every town has a colony of Super 8/Marriott/Days Inns by the interstate, next to another colony of fast food places that are open until 3 am. But HoJo tried to fill both needs at once, which feels quaint now that latenight service is widespread. And HoJo itself was already a bit of a relic in the 80s. It felt like a remnant of 1950s/early 60s driving culture, of “hey, man, you can just get in your car and go wherever you want.” Which was a new thing after WWII, with the new highway system, and cars becoming affordable for individuals.

          And Howard Johnson’s had great branding. It had the orange roof, the iconic font, the 90s-style abbreviation “HoJo”, and I’m sure the jokes in Blazing Saddles didn’t hurt. They were oddly well-positioned for the future. But America changed in ways that made them obsolete.

    3. Exactly. He wants to boast about how someone like him could be there like a good little dough headed third grader.

      1. Y’know, there’s no gatekeepers to entering NYC. You don’t need a passport, a visa, or a letter of recommendation from the Governor of Ohio. We let any old asshole come in, even settle here, as you can easily verify by spending a couple days in the city. Where’s the prestige? I’m not seeing it.

        1. That’s because you’re not an idiotic nine year old in a grown man’s body hoodwinking yourself into thinking life should work the way it does in a funny book.

  15. Today’s Crankshaft

    Day 3 of Most Boring Interview, Ever (July Edition)

    If all of the “Batton Interviewed by Skip” storylines were a documentary, then it would be the most boring documentary ever

  16. I think I’ve figured out what’s going on here.

    Batton Thomas really *is* meant to be an exaggerated version of Tom Batiuk. But Batton is only exaggerated in one way: by being even more Batiuk than Batiuk is.

    This Howard Johnson’s bit is a good example. As much as Batiuk loves to drone on about nothing, this seems a little out of character. It’s not like him to talk about a business that isn’t a comic book, a memory that isn’t hating his mother, or a food that isn’t pizza. It’s like he’s trying to to poke fun at himself by giving Batton an artificial example of his own boringness.

    Good self-deprecation comes from a place of knowing your own traits, and knowing how they annoy other people. Batiuk doesn’t realize either of these things. He doesn’t realize how boring he is, and how much it infuriates his audience. So the intended joke just sails over the universe’s head, because it’s to exaggerate something that’s already there in spades. It’s putting a hat on a hat. Once again, he’s trying to mimic a type of humor without understanding the actual workings of it.

    Batiuk is boring. Batton is boring, and also trying too hard.

  17. Today’s Past Batiukverse Storyline: Cindy Enters The “Mall Hair” Contest

    The only reason Cindy even entered the contest is because the winner gets a leather jacket

    (without warning, Cindy’s hair suddenly bursts into flame)

    Cindy: AAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHH! MY HAIR IS ON FIRE! SOMEBODY HELP ME! I’M BURNING ALIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEE! AAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Carrie: I told you that entering that contest was a horrible idea, Cindy!

    That haircut of Cindy has got to be a crime against nature because of all the hairspray she uses for it

    If only it were Cindy who’s hair burst into flames

    and we never see who won the contest

  18. CBH, no apologies necessary. While we miss you, I think we all understand family comes first.

  19. If it weren’t for Skip continuing to record Batton’s blathering, I might think this was just a story about two (unlikable) lonely old men seeking companionship. The interviews seem like a cover for both of them, as they are too stubborn to acknowledge their loneliness. While we know that’s not the case, this perspective would create a more compelling narrative than the self-indulgent crap on display.

    It’s too bad Batiuk has no writing skills left, whatsoever. Batiuk has not only lost his sense of humor, but he’s also lost his ability to write halfway decent stories. Also, Batiuk hasn’t drawn his own strip in decades.

    Other than the shortcomings listed above, he’s a great cartoonist. /s

    1. Yeah, this is dragging on so long it seems like there should be a subtext. But… there isn’t. Tom Batiuk doesn’t do subtext.

  20. Sorry, I’m on a roll.

    How much is Skip planning on writing about Batton? At this point, he has enough material to completely wallpaper a living room in newsprint.

    Sentinel Reader: Who the hell is Batton Thomas anyway?

    Is Skip writing Batton’s biography? Book signings at the Village Booksmith and the Ohioana Festival to follow? 😩

    I was hoping we’d only have to suffer through one more week of ‘The Batton Thomas Chronicles’ before Blue Bombers superfan Jeff Murdoch’s adventures in Winnipeg in September (I’m assuming). It looks like we’ll have to endure another ungodly week of Batton Thomas before then. What will Batton’s next bloviation be about? Throwing peanuts at the squirrels in Central Park while sitting on the bench that will eventually become the Lisa Moore Memorial park bench?

    Have the Mindy-Mopey nuptials been postponed indefinitely? What’s another year?

    Whatever happened to the comics Batiuk promised on his website? We’ve only seen the one story about Harry and Donna going back in time with the eliminator helmet. One measly story in two and a half years?

  21. 7/17:

    “He ran down the hallway after me! He yelled ‘This is the next SHAKESPEARE!’ I was so thrilled, I fell over and broke my skull, as I was walking backwards. ‘HOW SO?!’ I yelled. He said, ‘It’s full of useless sound and misinformed fury, a tale told by an IDIOT!’ He threw my wet, dead-leaf-filled portfolio at me and scampered up the walls, laughing and throwing his pewpies at me. And THAT–is how I met Zanzibar, Editor-in-Chief Chimp!”

    Skip nods. “That’s…a good story. NURSE! I think he needs his meds again!”

  22. I’d ask if he had the least idea how many people submit portfolios but unlike him, I know better.

  23. How much is Batiuk going to humiliate himself between now and the end of this interview? “It’s a good story, but it’s not true.” Then why are you telling it, asshole? Why do you think “I went to New York and annoyed publishers until one of them hired me” is some kind of hero story?

  24. Today’s Crankshaft

    Day 4 of Most Boring Interview, Ever (July Edition)

    OH MY FUCKING GOD BATTON SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STEP ASIDE FOR THE WINNIPEG BLUE BOMBERS STORYLINE PLEASE THIS CANNOT GET ANY MORE SOUL-DRAINING AS IT HAS BEEN

  25. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around “it’s a good story, but not true.” What is the basis for this? What does “Batton” think he needs to set the record straight about? What conversation does he think this is?

    “It’s a good story, but not true” is something William Shatner or Bob Eubanks would say. These men were on famous TV shows that spawned widespread misconceptions, which they sometimes tried to correct. “They told me the editor ran out of the office after me” is an offhand remark by who knows who. It’s not something anyone can relate to. And it’s only of any relevance at an extremely narrow point of an extremely narrow interpretation of the extremely narrow story that is Batton Thomas becoming a cartoonist.

    And what is that narrow point? Batton stroking his own ego again! “Oh, my work was so good he had to run out of the office to stop me from leaving! But that don’t actually happen.” (You’re the only one who said it did, dude.) “But I was smarter than him; I was already employing pushy used car salesman techniques!”

    What an ego this man has. It like he’s trying to make his boring life story mythical, but he has no idea what a myth actually is or how to create one.

  26. From the Blog:

    “And if you do read it, you’ll find the single best line ever written about Superman’s genesis. Trust me on this, you’ll know it when you read it.”

    Yeah, lemme buy a book recommended by a guy who thinks culture pinnacled at Flash #123. Dude, I wouldn’t trust you for directions to the Circle K. Is it “Comical strip writers from Rust Belt Ohio are like sooo geniuses, am I righteous?! NO, YOU shut up!”

    Yes, I did just rewatch Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. “Dust. Wind. DUUUDE.” But it’s “Tom. Ego. Fart noise!” (air guitar squealing)

  27. And in today’s strip, we learn that Tom doesn’t know the difference between a triangle and a parallelogram.

    Hopefully, next week will be the thrilling tale of how Batton opened that envelope. Honestly, I think I’d be disappointed if he doesn’t blow an entire week on that.

  28. A TB-penned comic strip where the post office is portrayed as competent? Never thought I’d see the day. I think this confirms that the guy is losing it…

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