Happy Ash Wednesday and beginning of Lent to all the observant nitters and nittettes out there. In this somber season, those who practice the faith spend time reflecting on human mortality and frailty. We ponder our many, many, many faults, our unworthiness, and humble ourselves before a greater mystery. We then rejoice, as in our humility we find that while we are absolutely definitely assholes, at the same time we are infinitely precious.
I find this kind of ego annihilation that you only get when absolute guilt is mixed with absolute grace liberating. It lets me get on a stupid website and say, “I am a lazy moron. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone.” and smile.
Which leads us to this year’s recipient of The Slappy. Batton Thomas. A character that in the face of his own mortality holds a reporter hostage for years so he can recount his lifelong relationship with himself. And that is what is so insufferable about him. Batton talks of no one but himself. That is his greatest relationship, the one he has with his own ego. Narcissus staring at his reflection wasn’t this self absorbed.
And that is why only Batton is up for a Slappy this year. True, Jeff had a couple man-child moments, and Dinkle had a week long prophetic dream where God told him he was the greatest. But everyone paled in comparison to Batton this year. Batton and his stupid, thumb up, palm out, smirking, gesture of smug superiority.
You nominees for the Honorary Les Moore Backpfeifengesicht Award for Most Slappable Batton Thomas
Homeless Batton
Unironic Batton
‘Hardworking’ Batton
Rose-Tinted Nostalgia Batton
Unbearably White Batton
Neurodivergent Batton
Part-Time Imposter Batton
Unapologetic Batton
And the winner is…
Unapologetic Batton
Come on Batton, take a bow. In fact, go full Japanese dogeza, hit your knees, put your forehead in the dirt, prostrate yourself. Before who? Anyone. Anyone but yourself. Learn some humility, for heaven’s sake!
Today’s award had the most nominees, but that’s because I’m an egotistical jackass who wanted to show off my google-fu skills at finding reference material. Deal with it.
You nominees for the….
Dangerous Dan Award for Best Tracing
Black and White Warbler
Captain Ez Confectionary
Greyhound
House Under Construction
Howard Johnson’s
Jason Miller
Mayflower II
Napoleons
Scaffolding
Pickleball
Table Tennis
Twistee Treat
Winnipeg Skyline
Mike O’Shea
And your winner is…
Mike O’Shea!
The head coach for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers for the last 12 seasons, Mike O’Shea, has many awards and accolades under his belt: Two Grey Cup Championships as a head coach, two time Annis Stukus Trophy winner for best CFL coach, three Grey Cub Championships a player, CFL Hall of Fame, five time CFL All-Star, and the second best Rookie of the Year of 1993, (the best being the Gary Busey sportsball movie)
And to all this…he can add one more feather to his headdress!
We are pleased to bring you, at last, finally, and without further ado, Crankshaft Awards Week!!!
Sponsored by Yondr!
When reviewing the year 2025, one thing unexpectedly struck me.
Bricks!
We here in the Funkyverse Monitoring Community have long kept notice of panel after panel of lovingly rendered or slavishly copied establishing exterior shot, but the carefully plotted rows of masonry were especially chatty this year, leading me to inaugurate a new award.
Outstanding Performance by a Talking Building
Your Nominees…
Unenthusiastic Bedside Manor
Acquiescing Village Booksmith
Investigative Montoni’s
Reminiscing Dale Evans
Public Address Princess Auto Stadium
Depressed Bus Barn
Revelatory Apartment
Home Shopping Home
Sympathetic St. Spires
And the winner….
THE BUS BARN!
I’m pleased as plaster to affix this award to this storied old building, which has seen, sheltered, and said so much since the very first year of Crankshaft.
And while hours of searching has failed to turn up whatever building you were originally based on, while your graffiti has been painted over, some garage door windows lost, and you’ve been lying about your age for at least 25 years…
You remain iconic. Whether your cornerstone was laid in 1921, 1925, 1927, or 1929. Whether you’re tan or red or covered in snow, you have nothing to be depressed about. Take a bow!
Son of Stuck Funky 