Darin, buddy, I think the blue pen in your pocket is leaking.
It’s a stroke, all right. Poor Fred. Yet all I can think about is: what’s going on with the lady doctor’s chin? I call it a “chin” because it’s where her chin would be, but it looks more like a small goiter. It sticks out like one of Popeye’s elbows. And her bedside manner sucks: “If he’s lucky, the catheter…will break it up.” “If we’re lucky” would’ve sounded a tad more compassionate, but of course, that doesn’t set up Annie’s punchline. Look for more scenes in this arc to take place in the darkened x-ray room; this way the action takes place in a featureless void, and TB is saved the drudgery of having to draw a detailed background.
Son of Stuck Funky 
Take THAT, cynical smarty-pants know-it-all doctor, with your uppity knowledge and snooty degrees! Every doctor in FW has the beside manner of a prison guard and the sensitivity of a hand grenade.
I once suffered a head injury that affected the bad comic strip-reading section of my brain. For several years, when I tried to read FW all I’d see was a few blank panels. Then those damned doctors cured me. Those quacks haven’t heard the last from me or from my attorney, I’ll tell you that.
The teachers don’t care about their apathetic students, the doctors don’t care about their decrepit patients, the downtown is dying, the post office is permanently closed and it’s always raining and snowing. Why anyone still voluntarily lives in Westview is a mystery to me.
Doctor: “We just can’t pinpoint the cause of his condition.”
Ann: “If you were REAL Doctors, you’d just KNOW, without any of this evil, stupid TESTING and RESEARCHING going on!”
Doctor: “Listen, ma’am, I know you’re upset, but taking out your anger and pain on us won’t help you feel better.”
Ann: “If I was lucky, it would.”
Doctor: “….*…um, anyway, as I was saying, the ultimate cause of this blockage remains a mystery. I’m leaving out, of course, the most ridiculous possibility.”
Ann: “Which is?”
Doctor: “Well, ma’am, neither your or Fred admitted to feelings of happiness lately, have you?”
Ann: “WHAT?!? Don’t be stupid! We would never do that!”
Doctor: “I thought not. Only an evil, thoughtless, worthless idiot would dare enrage the Grief Gods.”
Darin: “….well, would you look at the time! I’m missing my show! Must be going!”
Well, be fair, Epicus: if it was your job to help the residents of Westview stave off their inevitably tragic deaths for a few short years, and all the thanks you got for that futile occupation was getting reviled and belittled at every turn, would you make any effort to be sensitive and kind to those ungrateful jerks?
My mom had a minor brain surgery this autumn to alleviate fluid build-up which was causing signs of dementia and memory loss. More than a few CT scans and MRI’s were performed. None were shown to us in an effort to explain what was going on. Even though my sister is a RN at the same hospital. Basically, this conversation could take place in a waiting room.
At first I misread the final panel as “If he was lucky… he wouldn’t be here”, i.e. he’d never have been born.
I like mine better.
The lady in panel one has one huge boob and what looks like a pinned up sleeve…. Most likely cancer… Why does her assistant in panel two feel the need to refer to the catheter they plan to use, as opposed to the catheter they won’t insert?
This is rapidly spinning up into another of TomBat’e rages agsint the medical machine. Nurse Ratched, there, is just the tip of the iceberg – I’m sure there will be a disorderly-orderly, a half-wit candy striper and a smirk-faced MD delivering sarcastic post-stroke treatment sufficient to rip every shred of hope from Annie, Durwood and Documentary Shiela, or whatever her name is and presuming she gives a tinker’s cuss. Now if TomBat wanted to set aside this petty bullshit and actually make me laugh, Annie would bust her ass in the cafeteria by slipping on a fishstick. Rimshot, please.
“Oh, wait. This isn’t your husband’s brain. It’s a Montoni’s pizza. Well anyway, see this anchovy? The coming catheter should suck that right out. If I’m lucky, the remaining pizza should be delicious.”
I think the Pulitzer committee can stand down on this one.
The worst news is yet to come: Fred’s insurer is none other than DenialCare ™. Just pull the plug now!
Well I for one Welcome back the “gag-a-day” format.
Today was something akin to: “Doctor doctor , it hurts when I do this.”
“Don’t do that”.
Reminds me of a Henny Youngman routine.
So when did this actually happen: The Stroke of Midnight?
Durwood made it on time to say his Good Bye….that’s a stroke of luck.
All it takes to pull the plug is a stroke of the pen on this release form.
All this great material yet Batyuck “strikes out”
Tom Batiuk: “Well, I think this current arc is even more a masterpiece than my stories normally are! I put the pieces in place perfectly!”
Reader: “….um…how so?”
Tom Batiuk: “I had Darin and Jess move back into town!”
Reader: “….”
Tom Batiuk: *superior smirk*
Reader: “Um, and?”
Tom Batiuk: “Pickyface! Very well. By having Darin and Jess move back into town and become a part of Les’ life, I reminded you that they existed and thus made you care about them!”
Reader: “….”
Tom Batiuk: *superior smirk*
Reader: “…uh….no.”
Tom Batiuk: “Oh for! I guess some children WERE left behind! Didn’t you see the strips where I had Darin celebrate his birthday?!? I reminded you that he was the son of Lisa, Les’ wife who died of cancer! That reminded you he was adopted by Fred and Ann Fairgood! That reminded you to care about them!”
Reader: “Um, no.”
Tom Batiuk: “…then, when I had them take that warm, wonderful tour of their oh-so-savage and rough older neighborhood with the newlywed Darin and Jess this fall, I masterfully had you readers bask in their joy before plunging in the knife! It was perfect! Because now Fred isn’t just some old, forgotten character who barely turns up! Now he’s the heart of the strip and this arc will be the BEST ARC EVAH! Awards! Accolades! Gimmee-gimmee-gimmee!”
Reader: “Newlyweds? Haven’t Darin and Jess been married for over a decade? And, frankly, I’ve seen rougher neighborhoods in “Dennis the Menace”. Frankly, Fred’s barely turned up at all for years. This is just another case of you randomly pissing over some background characters in order to generate filler until we get to the stories you really care about.”
Tom Batiuk: “In the main, I feel that unless you are ALSO a syndicated cartoonist, you have no right to judge my work!!!”
Reader: “Uh-huh.”
The way Epicus describes Westview reminds me of one of those haunted house stories where all the inhabitants are ghosts who haven’t yet realized they’re dead already. Whoops, did we just drop “the other shoe”?
Wanted to share with you guys: I recently acquired a couple FW collections on Amazon. You Know You’ve Got Trouble When Your Mascot is a Scapegoat (c. 1981) and Could Be a Book Deal Here (1996). God help me, collecting these books might become a hobby, though I prefer dropping five bucks here and there for these old paperbacks to plunking down $25 – $40 for “The Complete” Vols. I and II.
When time permits, I hope to put up my reviews of these books and share some scans of the vintage strips. …Your Mascot is a Scapegoat is very enjoyable, the truly funny FW that well all remember fondly. Book Deal offers some laffs too, inbetween Les’ courtship of Lisa, Susan’s suicide attempt, and the bombing of the Westview Post Office.
Did we ever find out who bombed the post office?
Spoiler alert: No. Although as you’ll see when I post the story arc, Batiuk tries to connect this act of domestic terror to listeners of Rush Limbaugh. I kid you not.
I don’t know if it’s considered bad form to compliment other contributors here, so if it is, feel free to file a Cease and Desist. I enjoy something about EVERY post here, but I absolutely love John’s dialogs, either the ones that might have taken place “off camera” in a given episode, or a likely conversation with Dear Author, as above. Thank you, sir. I stand in line yet again!
And Lynn – very promising rookie!
And remember everyone – Strokes are the new cancer, and with even more Smirk Potential.
To paraphrase Pulp Fiction: Fred’s dead baby, Fred’s dead.
Affecting his body and speech patterns? I can see the “Grandpa Jim” knockoff, but I’m waiting for when Fred kicks the bucket (any day now), and Ann says something like “Darin, stop feeling sorry for yourself and search out your REAL father”, which leads us to Frankie (which Batiuk teased us about) and ultimately back to Lisalisalisa (also mentioned). Call me back this summer and tell me I’m write.
I mean, “right”. Sorry, I was thinking of Batiuk’s “writing”.
This discussion of Brain Dead Fred pulling a Grampaw Jim reminded me of all the other unsavory similarities between Wankerbean and FooB Better or Worst.
Add this to the list – smElly’s Happy Dance:
BatHole really should ask Ayrhead’s permission to date Lynnuck Johnston on the side. They’re two peas in a pod.
At least Elly isn’t stripping naked.
In that post office image, I would’ve sworn the figure running down the street was yelling “USA!” I couldn’t imagine such a context.
@TFH: Wow! Rush Limbaugh‽ Really, Batominc, really‽
I despise Rush as much as the next guy, but his dittoheads are more likely to blow up the Westview pharmacy trying to boost some oxycontin for their leader, than the United States Postal Service. I’m looking forward to TFH posting the arc; I’ll relish it in all its inexplicability!
TFH sez: I’m posting the strips here…scanning and cropping takes awhile, so I’ll be updating as time permits until the whole arc is posted: https://sonofstuckfunky.com/other-crap/westview-post-office-bombing-arc
TB rubbed me wrong a couple of times, TFH, as your comment on Limbaugh reminded me. I emailed him twice and never got a response. Swore off FW for a couple years once, too. The man definitely has an agenda.
Also, who is that yelling “USA!” in the bombing strip? I understand it’s meant to be Les, but it looks more like Waldo.
I think that doctor is Summer in 20 years. With all the time-jumping, it’s possible, no?
TFH, thanks for my new Windows wallpaper. The post-office-bombing-caused-by-the-First-Amendment story arc got me hooked on reading FW every day and I’ve never regretted it.
BeckoningChasm: In that post office image, I would’ve sworn the figure running down the street was yelling “USA!” I couldn’t imagine such a context. As God is my witness I thought the same thing too. I read your post then had to embiggen the picture to see what it really said.
I read almost none of the FW stories after the 1992 Time Jump (moved to a town with newspaper that didn’t carry it) and only reconnected with FW after seeing it in the Comics Curmudgeon and reading Stuck Funky and Son of Stuck Funky.
This question: Was FW ever good? Or is that I just remember it that way cause I started high school in 74 and it seemed Funky and the gang were my age?
And as much as I disliked the last five years of FBOFW, it never got as bad as FW. And Lynn pulled off aging people in real time so much better. As has Doonesbury.
Was FW ever good? Competent, maybe. I won the FW vol 1 in a random drawing and the original strips were much worse than my recollection of them. He was actually doing some crazy shit with the bombing and other stories that were unintentionally hilarious.
I love that special Sunday bombing drawing. It took me a few minutes to find Montoni’s, but of course it’s there. Anyone notice fat comic book John, sporting his pre-skunk head ponytail?
Act I FW wasn’t particularly “good” IMO, but it WAS occasionally amusing in a satirical way, especially if you were a student in an especially apathetic high school at the time.
Thanks for posting that post office bombing strip: now THAT is some absolutely hilarious shit right there. I’ve always laughed hardest at FW when it tries so, so hard to be “intense” and “dramatic”. For example, the one right before the Act III time jump when Les is crying in rage and anguish in the rain at the park after Lisa croaked. Maybe I’m just a sick, unfeeling bastard but damn was that funny. Lisa was always the most unintentionally hilarious character for my money, there was no limit to the various “adventures” he’d create for her.
I don’t think there’s any doubt that this current “Fred has a stroke” arc was the first one he worked on for 2013: you can see how he was losing steam throughout 2012 as the strips became stupider and more slap-dash as the year dragged on. But now, after some Ohio-style R&R (pizza & comics) he’s back, full of beans and ideas and melodrama. I’m looking forward to more death, disfigurement and human misery, it’s really tough to snark on things like wordless weddings and naming cars.
Wow, Withering! You read my mind! I was thinking “man, liberal readers must think that Rush Limbaugh listeners are too laughably inept to do such a thing”.
On a side note, what are those weird question marks?
TFH: I’m really looking forward to seeing a few of those post-Lisa Act I & Act II classics. Sometimes it’s easy to forget just how insane FW was during its melodramatic prime a.k.a. the Lisa years. AM radio-crazed domestic terrorists attacking the Westview Post Office and endangering Saint Lisa….yep, that was the strip in a nutshell back then.
TF: I knew he tried to link the Westview PO bombing with Rush and his ilk. And perfect timing, too–15 months after the OKC bombing. I just wondered if I missed who blew up the place. Another Funky Unsolved Mystery. I think there are about a million of them.
I’ll relish it in all its inexplicability!
Yes, inexplicable is probably the best word for it. I’m going to guess that Oklahoma City was what inspired TB to do the arc, but he didn’t realize that the perpetrators of that atrocity chose the Murrah Building as their target for very specific reasons. They didn’t just get mad as hell with the Clinton Administration, run out into the street and immediately bomb the first random building they saw with an American flag out front. I can already tell, just three strips in, that’s it’s going to be stupidly simple-minded. Motive? Why would they need a motive? They just hate! Destroying the Westview PO is certainly worth committing a crime for which you could be executed! I mean, they sell stamps there! American stamps!
BTW, I think Funky Winkerbean’s reputation (as is For Better or For Worse’s) is helped along immensely by the extremely low bar that’s set for quality in comic strips. Just wanting to do something interesting (you don’t have to succeed) puts you above most. And if Monday’s strip has some tangential effect on Tuesday’s, that’s more effort than most comic strip authors demonstrate.
Speaking of Bautik bad understanding of various group of people, anyone want to know who made the Comic Strip Critic’s Worst 5 Comics of 2012 list & why?
“BTW, I think Funky Winkerbean’s reputation (as is For Better or For Worse’s) is helped along immensely by the extremely low bar that’s set for quality in comic strips”
Yeah, the days of works like POGO, LITTLE NEMO IN SLUMBERLAND, CALVIN & HOBBES, and AGENT X-1 are far behind us.
Andrew, I regret that I have but one “Like” to give to your comment.