Post No. 1,000

bad wolf
December 17, 2012 at 8:32 am
…Btw, comic book fans are notoriously hard to shop for, as they’ve usually gotten whatever they wanted for themselves already, it’s so specific that you’d never guess what it is, and kids in general [are] not that interested anymore…

From Wikipedia: “A sommelier, or wine steward, is a trained and knowledgeable wine professional, normally working in fine restaurants, who specializes in all aspects of wine service as well as wine and food pairing. The role is more specialized and informed than that of a wine waiter.” I suppose this makes John a “comic book maître d’“. Dead Skunk Head’s hiring strategy seems to be paying off, as the Komix Korner is drawing adult female customers for the first time since Roberta Blackburn paid her fateful visit in 2005.

So yeah, this is the one-thousandth daily post here at SoSF. Not historic, as milestones go, but it would have no significance at all if not for the great folks who read and comment here! To show my appreciation, I’d like to award one lucky snarker a coffee mug from the Official Funky Winkerbean CafePress store! Enjoy your morning beverage from this handsome mug, emblazoned with the image of Act II Funky, showing some ‘tude as he leans against his ill-fated PT Cruiser. No more having to drink your coffee straight from the pot!

Since I’m not crafty enough to devise a real contest, the winner will be chosen totally at random from commenters on today’s post (please limit your comments just for today to two). Happy snarking, and as always, thanks for reading and stay Funky!

Rules and disclaimers: This contest is in no way affiliated with Batom Inc., King Features Syndicate, or CafePress Inc. Winner will be chosen at random from comments submitted on this blog post from midnight to midnight Eastern time, Tuesday, December 18, 2012. As this is a contest drawing, please limit your comments on today’s post to 2 (two); anyone with more than 2 comments on today’s post will be disqualified (sorry!). Winners of past giveaways are ineligible; if a previous winner is randomly chosen, then another random winner will be chosen. Winner selected at random using the WordPress plugin “And the Winner Is…” Prize valued at $13.99 US; item cost and regular shipping will be paid by Son of Stuck Funky. Winner may substitute a different mug or any other item from the Official Funky Winkerbean CafePress store of equal or lesser value. Never drink hot coffee directly from a coffeepot.

77 thoughts on “Post No. 1,000”

  3. Happy 1,000 th, SoSF! Much thanks to TFH and everyone else for the laughs, banter and snarky hilarity! Why, just a few hundred posts ago I was “the new guy” who was always being mistaken for that other new guy everyone hated. (Sniff, single tear on cheek). Good times, man. But seriously, here’s hoping for (gulp) a thousand more! We’ll keep this comic strip alive yet! I believe!

    Hell, someone’s gotta help keep the Funkyverse alive because after efforts like today it’s remarkable that no one’s dragged it out behind the barn to put it out of its misery yet. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen “sommelier” in this thing once before, but I might be imagining it, like I might be imagining that it used to be funny 35 years ago. Who knows and, more importantly, who cares? It’s a word that has no place in a joke, let’s leave it at that.

    I get it now. DSH John was talking about himself with that “greed” remark yesterday. See, John didn’t hire Harry because he thought Harry would work cheap or do his “job” for him. No, he hired Harry simply to see the look of joyous glee on his face as he boinged around the room blathering on about comic books. Trouble at home? Money woes? Uncertain future? All pale next to the opportunity to amsue a comic book store owner by wallowing in your own childish nostalgia all day.

    So let’s add “comic book store assistant salesman” to the list of jobs one could only support themselves with in Westview. I don’t know about the rest of you but damn am I sick of Crazy f*cking Harry, comic books and Harry and his comic books. The arc started out with Harry explaining why he loves his comics so much. Then he lost his job. Now, three weeks later, we’re seeing how much he loves his f*cking comic books again. Full circle? Nope, more like, “nothing happens”. Not that I’m against a comic strip writing itself, but hey, if it isn’t doing it well, I’m gonna point it out.

  4. And second prize is two mugs, and so on. Right? Does it keep hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold and morose, wry drinks morose and wry?

  5. And carcinogens. Is the mug carcinogen-free or is it an authentic mug from the actual strip? There’s a picture of Cell Phone Girl on the other side of the mug, right?

  6. And speaking of mugs, what does Becky do when the handle of the mug is facing in the wrong direction? Does she have to go to the other side of the table, or does she just twist all awkwardly? Is it considered polite to spin a one-armed person’s mug around so the handle is facing the right way? Wouldn’t that be a great week-long arc right there? How is it that I’m not writing for this strip?

  7. Surely it is fired from clay taken from a flood following a volcanic eruption that overran a small village on the volcano’s foothills.

    I’m just imagining it being a directive when you wake up with a hangover, telling you not to take a shower because your stench… it’s special! Just like you!

  8. Happy 1,000th post! Thanks, TFH, for your humor, your intelligent critique, and your honesty. We’ve all seen you defend Batsy once in a blue moon, so it’s obvious you wouldn’t snark if your heart wasn’t in it. That’s what makes this blog so great.

    And seriously, don’t let me win that mug. I’d hate having to explain to my mom.

  9. Also, why is Crazy recommending a single issue of an entire series, probably impossible to enjoy outside the context of an overarching series? And how can he recommend it for an entire age? 12-year-olds aren’t a hivemind.

  15. And I can’t get at today’s strip. My “sucks” comment is posted with the same probability that, even though I won’t see it when it happens, the sun will rise, just as it always has…

  16. King Feature’s comics links are apparently not working at the moment, which really stinks, and since TFH is not allowed to post the strips here any more, like OB Dan, I’m pretty much flying blind with regards to comments. Anyway, congratulations TFH on your 1000th post. Despite the best efforts of your nemesis and his legal team, you continue to fight the good fight and provide a platform to expose this comic strip for the nonsense that it is.

  17. One good thing about the failed link, it will enable me to post a real comment once the strip is visible on the web site, and have multiple comments on contest day without appearing gratuitous (I’m looking at you, Dan).

  18. Congrats, TFH, on 1,000! You are providing a valuable service to the snark community. Thanks for providing a place for like-minded people to bitch about this awful comic strip. What if we couldn’t find each other and we were doomed to roam the earth wondering if we were the only ones who could see FW and Batom Inc. for the smirking, smug mess that they are?

  19. King features is back up, and the comics are available again. Now that I’ve seen today’s strip, I don’t really have much to say, except to mention that what we’ve seen over the past three weeks is pretty much standard TB modus operandi – he obviously started with a conclusion – Crazy Harry finds his true calling as a Comic Sommelier – and worked backwards to create some implausible sequence of events that quickly transformed him from postal worker to this new position. Never mind that he would certainly be leaving with some kind of severance package, and not need to start selling stuff right away. It’s the same thing he did with the Kilimanjaro trip, creating some basically impossible sequence of events (tax levy fail>sports cancelled>fund raiser>raffle>grand prize) to put Less in Tanzania against his will.

  20. Congrats TFH! Love this thing of ours. Here’s today’s missing panel 4:

    Funky: A sommelier, huh? Who gives a damn. Listen, turd breath, I don’t want to spend a single second I don’t have to in this adolescent venus fly trap you’ve concocted here. But as God is my witness, if you don’t pay the back rent in the next 24 hours, I will actually make it safe for teenage boys to visit this store of yours.

    DSH: How are you going to do th….?!? Oh.

  21. Spending close to a whole month on a story arc that ends with Crazy becoming a “comic book sommelier”, and especially Sunday’s continuity error, all but prove to me that TB is a comic strip somnambulist.

  22. Happy 1000th! I think I decided to stop reading when the original Stuck Funky went away, but here I am, still showing up every day… TFH, you have carried the torch admirably…the student has become the master. (And I’m not just saying that to win a free mug.)

  23. Congratulations on 1,000 posts TFH. We’ve come a long way from that months-long string of comments on the final post of the original Stuck Funky site and from the cease & desist crisis and we all have you to thank for it. Much appreciation for the time and perseverance you have put into this site over the past several years.

    A word of caution to the winner of the Stay Funky mug. I had one that I used to keep at work. I left it on my desk one day and left for a meeting. When I came back an hour later, there were four Stay Funky mugs on my desk…

  24. You’d think Batiuk would have sense enought to use the Act I classic ‘Bean versions of the cast for his sad little tchotkes instead of these generic looking, deceptively cheery Act II versions. it’s a little early to feel nostalgic for 1995.

    If he was really with it, he’d make some custom items just for us, the only real fans he has left. I’d buy a mug with Act III Les saying “I guess some children were left behind” or getting hit in the face with the softball in a New York minute.

  25. Hey, I need a new coffee cup, and I can send Lawyers, guns, or money!

    I’m looked forward to many a snark in the next 1,000 posts.

  27. congrates TFH , i’m new to this winkbean comic but enjoy reading here thanks an good luke with nx 1000

  29. Congratulations, TFH, on 1000 posts. Congratulations too on being the most interesting aspect of Funky Winkerbean.

  31. Congratulations on your 100oth.

    For my Christmas present I want to see Linkara review FUNKY WINKERBEAN. More information on Linkara can be found on the Internet. Right here, for example.

  33. Funk & Wagnell’s is looking for an illustration to accompany their definition of “Sad”. I think I’ll forward them the link to today’s strip. Along with a suggestion that they cross-reference it wth their definitions for “Pathetic”, “Cringeworthy”, and “Obsolete”.

  34. congrats on the 1,000th post. I do not want to win that mug, it is not a fit receptacle for bourbon and ice.

  35. Congrats on 1,000 posts – long live the snark .

    I rather hope that the mug was made from clay that inlcudes ashes from unsold copies of Lisa’s Story that were burnt in a warehouse fire.

  36. Look at Harry here. Has he ever heard of personal space, or is his goal to creep out every woman who darkens the doorway of the comic store?

    Also, nice one TFH: “No more having to drink your coffee straight from the pot!” I’ve been doing it all wrong.

    Shoulda made this two posts.

  37. That’s two customers in one week. And even at that, that’s more than I think he’s likely to get. Unless Dead Skunk Head is bringing them in at gunpoint, I don’t believe any of this contrived bullshit. Batty, nobody cares about comic books today.

    Instead of a random drawing, why not hold an essay contest? Suggested topic: Answer the repeated question of non-ironic Comics King readers: “If you hate this comic so much, why do you read it??”

    I call dibs on the response of “Fuck you!”

  38. I think the mug would be a good tool for emergency urination. Drinking from it, though?

    I hope on the other side from the “Stay Funky!” picture there’s a checklist that reads:

    Fat
    Mean
    Cheap
    Alcoholic

    Each one is checked and there’s picture of Funky giving a thumb’s up.

  39. By the way, given that Flunky has no lines in this episode, why does he appear? Is that so a reader seeing this strip out of context knows it’s Flunky Wankerbean, and not, say, Calvin and Hobbes, Dilbert, or Family Circus? Most likely, Fatass has wandered upstairs to find out why the rent check is over two weeks late AGAIN. Soon becomes obvious. The store gets one customer per day. And it’s a week before Christmas, so this is as heavy as the walk-in traffic gets.

    Tomorrow: Funky evicts DSH’s ass and rents the space to the local funeral home (down the hall from Komix Korner), which has been running out of space constantly for years.

  40. Can’t win if you don’t play-

    This has nothing to do with today’s strip, but was there not a FW story arc in the mid 90’s in which Lisa (of course) was seriously injured in a post office bombing caused by right-wing talk radio? I could swear I read it just around the time I started following the strip every day, but I’ve never seen any reference to it in the strip or on the net since then. Please tell me I’m not hallucinating old Funky Winkerbean plots.

  41. **By the way, given that Flunky has no lines in this episode, why does he appear?**

    Silly rabbit, he’s there to provide the Sideways Smirk and Dimple of Mirth that signifies the slap-nuts-funny punch line!

  42. Helskor, that is true: “Funky Winkerbean” Strip More Timely Than Expected, Houston Chronicle, July 31, 1996. As with the Japan earthquake and Hurricane Sandy, Batiuk’s knack for unfortunate timing existed even 16 years ago: “Cartoonist Tom Batiuk couldn’t have predicted the timing of the strip would fall after the bombing at Centennial Olympic Park in Atlanta and the destruction of TWA Flight 800.”

  43. @Epicus – Id wager that Becky has a coffee mug with no handle. Perfect for the Funky Winkerbean Boutique and Lameatorium. And as for Funly himself – look at him, he’s sublime. Sure, all he’s thinking about is “…sommelier mmahhh, sweet, sweet…wine….GIMME WINE!!!”

  44. Thanks a lot, Doug! I’d finally purged my brain of One More Day. I thought I preferred young, unmarried Spidey, until that thing happened.

    nononononononononono

    Sorry, getting way off-topic. I’d like to see Crazy Harry desperately trying to shill that thing.

  47. Batcrap said, “I want to engage readers so they’ll get to know the characters and follow them through things and wonder what will happen to them,” Batiuk said. “There’s still a lot of humor within Funky, a nice balance.”

    Wow. Get a shovel. Simultaneously full of himself and full of shit. So I guess Batboy is shit. Sounds good.

  49. Congratulations on the milestone and many months of laughs, TFH and fellow snarkers! I was really starting to feel it was my week for good luck, until i realized i didn’t want to anger the gods, so i named my car “Snowball” to offset it. Fingers crossed!

  58. congrats on the 1000 post. I know I am more a lurker than anything but I like see also everyday what has been said about this comic strip. And here is to 1000 more or how ever long the strip goes for.

  59. Man, this comic is so wrong: in particular, Crazy Harry seems less “friendly old grandpa” character than “creepy guy behind you at Walmart buying nothing but KY Jelly and paper towels”*, unfortunately.

  61. I’m still waiting for the chance for Tom Batiuk to show his ugly mug (no pun intended) in Texas again so I can tell him how much his comic sucks (or other pressing questions about continuity, drawing, writing, etc.). I’m wondering I’d ever see “billytheskink”, which must drive through Bryan-College Station as well (my area)

  63. Must give props to DavidO, who penned a fair chunk of The Thousand Posts, as well as my blogfather, the original Stuck Funky, who also spent a week guest blogging awhile back, and who also saw a need for a forum like this. And of course, to all y’all, the most loyal fans Tom Batiuk has.

  64. 1000 posts! Woo hoo! Congratulations, and thanks!

    for defying the cease & dastardly desistery of Batominc
    for providing a daily dose of humor and snarkery
    for turning the humorless and joyless Funky Winkerbean into a source of laughter – truly turning a sow’s ear into a silk purse

  66. Almost forget…congratulations to TFH and everybody here for 1,000 posts…almost three years and nobody from this blog has gone postal after following a Batiuk “storyline” to its lame excuse for an ending.

  67. Harry: “Trust me…”

    *fifteen minutes pass*

    “…this book would be perfect for a twelve year old!”

    Woman: “It -would- be? That’s an odd way to phrase it. What’s preventing it from being perfect for this mythical “All-encompassing 12 year old” icon you’ve cooked up and projected onto me? Especially since -I- came in here to pick up the lastest issues of EIGHTBALL and FABLES.”

    Harry: “Um, I meant it IS a perfect book for a twelve year old! And YOU read comics?!? That’s just silly! Comics are for BOYS!”

    Woman: “A twelve year old WHAT?!? And, wow, you really are a sexist old geezer, aren’t you? Listen, I know you must be in your nineties, but rea-”

    Harry: “I’m not that old! I’m finally playing with a full deck! You know! I’m…um…I’m…”

    Woman: “Whatevs. I don’t care. I’m off to a big chain bookstore. From now on, I’m only buying comics in trade and hardcover form! Thanks, you’ve completely killed off my interest in monthlies!”

    Harry: “….w-wait….COME BACK! I’m sure I can find something for your son! …*….hey, that’s rude!”

    *John wanders over, smirking*

    John: “So, how’s the first day on the job, Harry?”

    Harry: “For some reason, my choosing the books I want people to but instead of allowing them to make their own decisions seems to be backfiring.”

    John: “Heh. Just remember, it’s about NEED, not GREED.”

    Harry: “…what?”

    John: “And now I NEED to read the latest issue of BUSTY MICE! Woo-hoo!”

  68. By the way, just why the HELL does John keep basking in this unwarranted glow of having solved Crazy’s problems?

    He’s already made it clear this is just part-time temporary help during the, um, few days left before Christmas. Harry’s going to be puttering around, guilt-tripping everyone again about him being CEO of the fired books again in JUST A FEW DAYS.

  69. How much meaning is there in the term “Stay Funky” when Funky himself hasn’t “stayed funky” and instead has morphed into a fat, old, granny-glasses-wearing failure of a man? In an Act III context, “Staying Funky” means you’re a hair’s breadth away from grim death.

  70. Wow…we really ARE the most loyal FW readers left out there, aren’t we? That’s just sad, you know? Must be even worse for Batty, but then again he’s so steeped in denial I doubt he notices or cares.

  71. I don’t know why I’m commenting again. I claimed I didn’t want that mug. But I absolutely have to participate. Fortunately for me, I have a pathological phobia of double-posting, so I probably won’t win.

  74. “It’s really great having Crazy working here, I can devote myself full time to young, impressionable boys who need to be molded, and shaped, and held, and …..”

  75. Maybe it’s Tina Fey? After all, who would be a better candidate to mock? Sarah Palin, or the citizens of Westview, Ohio?

  76. Now why can’t Batiuk and Company sell Funky mugs with Act III versions of his characters? It’d be great! Create your own!

    Fatass Funky on the mug, bellowing “SKIM MILK, FATASS!”

    Summer has some dumb thing about dunking donuts in coffee because basketball’s the only thing about her stupid character.

    A Becky mug that solves the dilemma brought up by ED by having two handles! Her comment is “If you haven’t got both your arms, use your head!”

    And finally, a Cayla mug where she’s insisting on the owner of the mug adding more cream. And when coffee is added and the temperature of the mug’s material rises, her skin color changes! Now you know it’s ready to drink!

  77. There could be a disembodied hand that says “When you’re gay, you don’t need a name, or even a face!”

    Les could be smirking with a caption that says “Go ahead, punch me!”

    DSH John could have one that says “Creepy Old Perv”

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