Buddy – Page 7 – Son of Stuck Funky

O, Ho! Verily, Wally is a Project, is he not?

Buddy sure is happy to be home, as he’s followed in the door by the Twits, who probably forgot to feed him before they left. Bet he’s headed straight for his dish. Meanwhile, we’re treated to blah-blah-blah followed by another lame attempt at a punchline involving Rachel’s mother. Rachel’s unseen mother, I might add, since T-Bats has attempted this kind of joke before…

Anyway, I was trying to think of what kind of project I’d make if I had a stack of Wallys at my disposal, and I figure I’d just notch them all at their enormous foreheads and interlock them into a little Ohio Wilderness cabin, like Lincoln Logs.

The only surprise left this week is Sunday’s strip, and whether or not there will be some sort of Rachel-and-Wally wrap up, and if so will the colorists make Rachel’s hair blonde like they usually do on Sundays in complete yet typical disregard for continuity.

יּ٧ᴥ٧יּ ♥♥♥

Buddy’s back!

If I were to classify FW characters, here’s how it would go:

Loathsome Pieces of Shit (Les, Dinkle)
Irritating Douches (Jim Kabbadabbadoo, Durwood, Mopey Pete)
Sad Sack Shitheads (Funky, Holly, Wally)
Goofy Dipshits (Masone Jarre, Owen, Crazy Harry)
Those I Don’t Really Care About But Will Probably Eventually Dislike (Just about everyone else)
Buddy ♥

Yeah, Buddy. My favorite resident of the Funkyverse. He never smirks. He never makes shitty puns. He never wallows in self-pity, snipes another character to make himself feel superior, or “wakes up” at the end of an arc to proclaim that it’s all a dream. Who’s a good boy? Buddy is! yes he is! even though he’d be totally justified if he pissed on Les’ leg or took a dump on Wally’s bed. Nope, he’s just a goofy, happy yellow dog who lives day to day, greeting everyone with a wagging tail and just enjoying the moment. He doesn’t even bitch when his dumbass roommates Wally and Rachel bring him to a heavy metal concert, those idiots. How ironic that, in a strip claiming to be “a quarter-inch from reality,” the most realistic character depiction is that of a dog.

[PS: I did indeed notice that, after talking all week about the Monsters Of Metal concert, not a single frame of actual comic strip real estate was spent depicting the actual event. In true BatHack style, we instead have skipped directly to the post-concert exit. But you know what? Buddy’s back! so I don’t give a shit.]

Wally Oop

Sunday’s strip is a rare denouement, which I don’t think is in the Batominc employee handbook glossary. And look at the abs on Wally!

Rachel, apparently, awoke one day from uneasy dreams to find herself transformed into a blonde. That transformation appears to be permanent. Rachel has always been blonde. The Ministry of Truth is, no doubt, busy “correcting” the miscolored representations of her that may have appeared in the past. We have always had a blonde Rachel, just as we have always been at war with Oceania, because shut up!

There’s just one thing I don’t understand. They’re openly discussing their shared happiness in the open, without a lead ceiling or even an iron coconut to shield their thoughts from the malevolent Universe.

Oh, wait! Now I get it! “The Universe” is a local malevolent entity that terrorizes Westview and calls itself “The Universe” to assuage its crippling inferiority complex.

Stay in Nondescript Tropical Beach, Wally, Blonde Rachel Character Unit, and Buddy! Stay away from Westview, now, and forever!

Here endeth my stint as your guest snarker. Epicus Doomus is up next, with my sympathies. Let’s just say that less is more, if you receive my meaning.

CRAAAACK heads

With a mighty CRAAAACK!, the Universe lets the assembled witnesses know exactly what Its objections are to this union—hey! Wait a minute!

All the guests are gone, delivering the inexplicable continuity failure I promised you. The director forgot to have the congregation congregate for the big lightning scene. Because it doesn’t make a lick of sense for the two principals and the officiant to hang out in the rain alone. No human beings would do that. I guess the Batominc Quarter-Inch Reality Generator Mark 4 is on the fritz again, because it really shanked the plot on this daily basis.

The Blonde Rachel Character Unit fails to see “any reason to leave now.” Yeah, well, I’ve got about a dozen, not counting the inclement weather, and—dollars to doughnuts, cancer to Alzheimer’s—they’re huddling at Montoni’s, wondering where the hell these clownbots are.

You’ll see.

Dog Is My Copilot, Or, Suddenly Blonde

Today’s strip begins with intimations of canine brontophobia. I doubt we’ll hear of it again.

I do predict that this plot line will involve these:

A thunderstorm
A second inexplicable break in continuity (not today’s)
A change of venue
A non-sequitur from a major character
Smirking galore

I did not expect these:

The best man is a dog! The best man is a dog!
The only way this could have been better for snarking is if Buddy had been transformed into an anthropomorphic Plugger dog.
Today’s inexplicable break in continuity: Rachel is suddenly blonde.
Either that, or Wally is inadvertently marrying the wrong bride, because her profile does not match before-time Rachel (below).