Lights! Camera! Cancer!


Today, April 9th is the official third anniversary of Son of Stuck Funky; here’s a link to the very first post. Don’t forget to enter our 3rd Anniversary Giveaway!

Cayla, honey: your first reaction to your husband’s good news probably should be something like “That’s great, baby! Congratulations!” instead of immediately trying to gauge how much money’s coming your way. “Television? Movies?!? Well, turns out both answers are correct in a sense…but taken together, they equal less than the whole.

John
April 8, 2013 at 5:37 pm
By the way, in said year and a half, we have yet to have an actual name for the mysterious “Hollywood Buyer”…neither a person nor a company name.

Mysterious indeed, even to Les: “something called CME…Cable Movie Entertainment”. Sounds like the Funkiverse equivalent of the Lifetime Network or Hallmark Channel. Guess that means no big-name stars, no 3-D…so much for Les’ labor of love being made into “a real movie“.

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35 Comments

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35 responses to “Lights! Camera! Cancer!

  1. Jeffcoat Wayne

    “Lisa’s Story”, Cable Movie Entertainment… Basically, it’ll be one of those movies watched only by lonely single women with a gallon of ice cream as their date. And starring Nancy McKeon as the Sainted one. Congratulations, Douchebag!

  2. John

    Les: “The producers in Hollywood have decided to pick up the option on Lisa’s story!”

    Cayla: “Um, didn’t they already purchase it almost two years ago? Do you mean they’re putting the film into development now? Or that the option lapsed and a new producer bought it? Say, who ARE these producers anyway?”

    Les: “Hollywood producers!”

    Cayla: “….”

    Les: “They’re interested! They’re interested! Hoody hoo! I’d better get cracking on the script!”

    Cayla: “Um…Les?”

    Les: “Mmmm. And which famous chef should I request to cater my trailer? I don’t want anything too weird! Maybe I’ll just bring some Montoni’s staff along to cook my meals?”

    Cayla: “….Les….”

    Les: “Evil, stupid Hollywood…prepare to meet your match in Les Moore, the Wise Author of Westview!”

    Cayla: *face palm*

  3. Rick Brooks

    “straight to cell phone”?

  4. Jimmy

    Nice post title!

    Please let CME be Lifetime (a.k.a. The Hate Men Channel). They’ll give Les the treatment he finally deserves.

  5. Oooh, does this mean we’ll get to see Les cast as the heartless husband too wrapped up in his male ego to understand his wife’s pain? Cause that’s not too much of a stretch there…

  6. flappy

    Cayla-o boy Lessey deer,a movie about your x wife,howw great is that,guess i,ll go dig out box of Lisa tapes so we can rewatch them again

  7. Ooh, I hope some creepy pseudo-feminist station picks it up. I’d love to see Les portrayed as the obnoxious sack of pretension he is, slowly wringing the life out of Lisa until death comes as the bittersweet release she deserves. One of those that plays to the all-important market of drunk heartbroken menstruating women.

  8. Epicus Doomus

    Batty’s used that “straight to cell phone” gag before, although I don’t remember exactly when. Wasn’t any funnier then, either. Welcome to Westview, where you can never, ever be too wry.

    Les may actually be making some real strides here. This time he actually appears excited about the prospect of his stupid cancer book being made into a movie (even though it’s just a made-for-TV one), almost like how a “real” person might behave. If you recall, the last time this happened it sent Les into a whiny, mopey tailspin that resulted in him blowing everyone off and running back to his weird hallucinations again in lieu of making a decision about it like a normal person would. He didn’t even sneer today, not even at Cayla’s rather snotty little joke.

    Ahh, who am I kidding? He’s only happy because he’s getting to talk about his favorite thing: the time his wife died and he wrote a book about it. Look at him, all enthusiastic and tilty-headed, he’s positively aglow with pure 100% Lisa-fied goodness today. If he’s this punchable today, imagine how detestable he’ll be by Saturday. Ugh, what a dick.

  9. S.P. Charles

    I kind of figured the movie would be bought up by the Deathtime Network.

  10. sourbelly

    Yeah, E.D., that “straight to cell phone” thing sounds very familiar to me, too. As does the ultra-generic “producers in Hollywood” reference.

    So our little hiatus from Les The Delicate Genius has ended. Huzzah.

    TFH sez: “Straight to cell phone” is a quote from Ann Apple in this strip from May. 2011:

  11. O.B. Dan

    “Lisa’s Story” goes right to a cable network, maybe a premium, like HBO…after a quick run there, with limited on-demand interest, it goes to Hallmark or Lifetime (if it doesn’t start there to begin with), where it is dubbed a chick flick…then, it gets picked up by a few of the cable networks, where it gets passed around like a skank at a high school party for a while…

    And then it fades into obscurity. The royalties end.

    Good thing he wrote a book about John Darling, too…

  12. Beanie Wanker

    Cable Movie Entertainment? Oh, cool! It will be entertaining to watch Lisa get all cancery! Could even make it a comedy. With a laugh track! Cancer comedy – it’s slap-nuts funny!

    Goddam, we could even have Les play himself. And Cayla could play Lisa, except we’d have to darken up her skin and make her hair a little more curly.

  13. Professor Fate

    The producers in Hollywood? Do they have a name? Oh let me guess, how about Balistock and Bloom.

  14. bayoustu

    Is that expression on Less’ face in panel 1 meant to depict “happiness”?! Obviously, Batboy is out of practice regarding such things- he should stick to anguish, misery, and the rictus of debilitating disease…

  15. Beanie Wanker

    They picked up his option and used it to wipe up some spilled coffee.

    Has BatSchmuck ever shown a sample of Goatee Boy’s “writing?” I’m curious to know what this Hollywood-worthy, world-class “writing” looks like. I remember Lynnuck Johnston made the mistake of offering up a slice of Michael Patterson’s dreck. Amazingly, shockingly, Mikey FooB wrote like a 60-something year old woman. Gee, how’d THAT happen? Really, how many 30 year old guys speak of “the gew-gaws of the season?”

  16. CME: Cancer Maudlin Exposition

  17. Rusty

    Most straight-to-cellphone movies are made by college kids taping sex acts with random hookups.

  18. Duane

    The basic plot of every Lifetime movie: “A man does a woman wrong.”

  19. BeckoningChasm

    About that “three-d” thing…

    A while ago, I saw “50/50” a kind of comedy about a man who may die from a rare form of cancer. I enjoyed it, but yeah, I think it would have been much more effective if it had been SHOT IN 3-D. And maybe had some robots fighting some dinosaurs!

    Seriously, Summer easily wins the prize for idiocy. She makes Owen and Cody look like Crick and Watson.

  20. Sgt Saunders

    Total glurge for the Hallmark Channel.

  21. Helskor

    I know Batiuk dropped the celebrity cameo schtick in FW back in the 80’s, but there’s a real life movie director whose level of talent would be a perfect match for Lisa’s Story. After all, his last movie featured a character named Lisa and another one with breast cancer. He likes working with doggies, too, so there’ll be a part for Buddy.

  22. Flummoxicated

    Les is one of those pretentious types who doesn’t own a TV. “Something called CBE, you say? Is that what the commoners call a ‘cable network’?”

  23. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$

    This is going to be a snuff film, right? Which would be appropriate since Funky Winkerbean is a snuff comic.

  24. Señor Tortilla

    The
    second
    panel
    looks
    especially
    strange.

  25. A HREF

    @ Señor Tortilla: I know. It supports the theory that the balloons are drawn well before dialogue is even thought if

  26. Well, looks like SonofStuckFunky is finally back online after a few hours of downtime courtesy of GoDaddy. If any of y’all are web design people or bloggers, take a tip from ol’ TFH and do not use GoDaddy for hosting or for anything else…unreliable, unresponsive, and getting worse lately. And if you’re on the Twitter, be sure to follow @SonofStuckFunky so you can get updates from me when, not if, GoDaddy goes tits up again.

  27. Charles

    I don’t know which is worse, that Batiuk went back over his old movie option strips to establish context for these strips, saw that punchline and thought “That was great! I’ll do that again!”, or that he didn’t review his old movie option strips in order to put this week in proper context.

    Also, 18 months-or-however-long-it’s-been is a ridiculously long time for an IP to be optioned. Either Les got a huge payout or Annie’s an idiot. I know which one I’m going with, without even having to consider that Les needed a scholarship to ensure Summer going to Kent State!

  28. John

    The really odd thing is, thanks to Tom’s relentless retconning, we now know that a 90 minute telefilm of Lisa’s final days would be 80 minutes of Lisa locking herself away with an outdated video camera and a cheap wig so that she can record seven trillion VHS cassettes for “special occasions” (or, if we’re being honest, so that EVERY happy event in her loved one’s lives transform into mourning her absence.)

    The remaining ten minutes will be three minutes of Les chatting with a talking cat, plus six whole minutes of Les screaming in the rain.

    (So, a scream as long as your typical Bugs Bunny cartoon!)

  29. Tom

    Oh good grief. A Lisa cancer arc. This is the exciting 2013 line?

  30. Beanie Wanker

    So Batdung finally remembered about the movie deal thing. At this rate, Blondie McBighair will start on her John Darling documentary two years from now, and Summer will play in a K*nt State girls women’s Lady Fighting Dildoes basketball game in 2021.

  31. Epicus Doomus

    Thanks for the clarification re: that “straight to cell phone” joke. I’m expecting this to be a re-hash of the previous “Lisa’s Story-The Movie” arc from 2011 or whatever. Same stale gags, same apprehension from Les, same old tropes about “Hollywood” and, of course, the same result…which is to say none at all. At least we’re spared (hopefully) a gleefully squealing Summer this time around.

  32. The Dreamer

    CME stands for Country Music Entertainment Channel. Lisa’s Story is going to be re-set from Ohio to Alabama somewhere, with a country music score and Les becomes Lester, drives a truck and wears a cowboy hat. Lisa becomes Lisa Jean and wears Daisy Duke cutoff jeans

  33. $$$Westview Oncologist$$$$$

    –GoDaddy for hosting or for anything else…unreliable, unresponsive, and getting worse lately. And if you’re on the Twitter, be sure to follow @SonofStuckFunky so you can get updates when, not if, GoDaddy goes tits up again.—

    If GoDaddy.com goes down they should give the customer a special courtesy visit from Danica Patrick & Candace Michelle. That seems like good customer service to me.

  34. davidorth

    Every Lifetime movie also has the “Chick goes out, buys a gun, and gets shooting lessons from a handsome detective who warns her that he can’t always be there for her.”

  35. Connie

    I’d just like to point out that having an option renewed isn’t a “WOW!” check. Best case scenario, it’s the same amount you got for the first option. Not to say that it isn’t nice to get the money, but Cayla’s reaction would indicate a Memento-level lack of memory or, more likely, Les never showed her the first check.