davidorth
April 13, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Ooh, I got a leaked scene Les is working on! Let’s take a look!Int: Les and Lisa’s apartment above the pizza place
(Lisa is checking her self in the mirror after the football tackle thing after she landed on her chest. Her handsome husband is in the other room, saying funny, witty things about stuff)…
Guess that leftover pizza did the trick! Les finally begins crafting a screenplay which so far happens to read very much like davidorth’s “leaked scene”.
Son of Stuck Funky 
The doorbell rings. It’s the poolboy, wearing nothing but jorts cut off to the point where the pocket linings are exposed. Lisa drops the pamphlet and her towel, and takes a hesitant step towards the door…
This after a week of procrastination??
Less had better go back to Michael Jackson’s…I mean Cayla telling him to “Beat it”. At least there’d be one person who enjoys Less…..Himself!
This will end being a strictly You tube video… not even cable will pick it up.
Maybe “Jinx” & Darin’s wife/room mate will film it… using local actors.
Cody and whats his name as a young Less & Lisa
Les Moore, the man who managed to hit himself with a baseball in defiance of physics, playing football and being somewhat competent at it? Already this screenplay is stretching the truth.
That Lisa was one ugly dude when she caught the cancer
Did Tom Batiuk fall asleep in health class when they were explaining genders?
There is absolutely nothing about the drawings in the flashback that designate that character as being feminine in anyway. You easily could have changed the dialogue in panel 2 to “You OK, Joe?” and literally introduced this character as some new dude named Joe that Funky and Les knew in the past.
This clearly proves that Tom Batiuk never took a goddam art class, since he clearly has never practiced painting nude models.
That, and Funky looks like Doug Funny in that panel. And Funky never played sports; is he wearing Bull’s varsity jacket?
Oh man, here he goes again with his touch football lump in the park story, his most favoritest story of ’em all. It’s just so sad and pathetic that over the course of FW’s 40+ year run, a woman finding a lump in her breast while frolicking at the local park is a defining moment in the history of the strip. The idea that Les struggled to find a way to tell THIS story again is hilarious beyond words. He told it during his marriage proposal, for God’s sake.
Thank God for pamphlets, you know? Otherwise Lisa might have, uh, died sooner, I suppose. Anyhow, we clearly see that it was really Les’ blatantly illegal tackle (it was supposed to be touch football) that led to the discovery of Lisa’s now-legendary lump. Way to kill your wife there, dingus. Seriously though, hope he doesn’t re-visit every landmark moment of the “Lisa dies” arc, that was one long-ass arc, believe you me. It could be a while before we get back to FTR, so buckle up.
Well, since this is act one, scene one, it looks like Frankie’s attempt to do whatever to stop the film/get money out of Les/be a Les-Moore-like-Dick has been pretty well short-circuited. The book is, I guess, about someone getting and dying of cancer, nothing to do with date rape or anything other than Cellular-Chaos Induced Death.
OH my GOD, who is THAT in the banner?! WHAT’S WRONG with your FAAAAACCCE
Beckoning: The only part of the cancer book that might include a FTR reference would be the “Boy Lisa learns that Lisa is his blah blah” story, which did happen towards the end of the cancer arc. I’m not sure if he was even mentioned or referenced during that arc, if he was I do not remember it. Tough to figure out what sort of angle FTR will try to work here, but then again this is FW so for all we know he might never be seen or mentioned again and really, who would even bat an eye or realize it?
“Les, my man! It’s the Hollywood Producer overseeing your movie-option script deal, how’s it hanging, bro? That’s great! Listen, Les, love the stuff I’ve read so far….love it. Bowled over by the pamphlet stuff, dude, just flattened. We’ve been actively courting the pamphlet-reading demographic big-time and it’s like your finger’s right on their pulse, bro. Any way you could possibly, you know, write a few more scenes with the characters reading pamphlets? Yeah, that’s great, listen, gotta run. Keep it up, buddy and if you ever find yourself running low on pizza, text me, I know a guy.”
Hey, can I swear in the comments? Well, anyway —
— fuck this noise.
Looks like a less green version of Doug’s über-athlete pal Chalky Studebaker to me.
Are we sure that’s Les? I remember the strip TB is flashing back to, but I don’t remember the specifics. What I see today looks less like Les and more like Li, one of the owners of the since-closed Chinese restaurant that was located next to Montoni’s.
Ummm, not hard to guess this screenplay, since that’s how it happened…
Yes, Frankie was a nice non sequitur in the middle of this worthless arc. So where did we go this week? Well, Les dithered around uselessly and then started writing his script in the most mundane fashion imaginable.
I can’t believe Batiuk is actually going to do this. Never mind that he’s going to show Les writing this script, but what he’s going to have Les writing is godawful. Wow, Lisa picks up a pamphlet! What a visual, visceral marvel this thing is shaping up to be! Make sure to indicate when Les reads the newspaper! And show Lisa making a doctor’s appointment! And you need to have at least 20 minutes of the characters driving around reminiscing about random things of no evident relevance! You can’t have enough of these things in movies!
Credit where it’s due, at least this didn’t turn out a drawn out ‘writer gets writer’s block’ arc. Just maybe a week of it.
Something’s been bugging me. Exactly how much have we seen Les and Cayla in a relationship? Seriously, how much of the time we see them together has actually been about them, and how much of it has been about Les’ story or Les’ script? Memory starts to fade after a while, have we seen them regularly interact like an actual couple?
I simply cannot produce a shriek loud enough to react to this.
@MKay…… Try, it’s good for the soul
Gyre, that’s the crazy thing. There’s never been any kind of chemistry between those two idiots. Sometimes I think Crayola got in there just to keep Slutty Susan from getting him. Before they were married, her main function was just to shut up, hang around, and listen to him be a huge douchebag. After they were married, her job was to physically beat the crap out of him, whether he was being a douchebag or not.
It’s painfully obvious – like the pain you get when you’re tackled on top of a small rock or something – that Batdope knows nothing about what a somewhat “normal” relationship is like. No need to figure out why THAT might be! I just think he wanted his a avatar to have an “edgy, groundbreaking” relationship with a Black chick. What kind of relationship didn’t seem to matter.
Les: “Hey, Ann! Just calling you up to see what Hollywood thought of my first draft!”
Ann: “Um, email, Les. Skype. These are things that exist.”
Les: “EVIL TECHNOLOGY!!!”
Ann: *sigh* “Well, the higher ups at Cable Movie Entertainment read your draft. They do have some notes…the first and most urgent one is: When does the actual STORY kick in?”
Les: “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Ann: “Les, so far, the draft is nothing but pages and pages of you and your friends eating pizza, drinking coffee, griping about teenagers, and collecting comic books. Lisa herself just barely turns up, and when she does, it’s doing mundane, everyday routine stuff, minus discovering that lump. Which isn’t in itself very interesting. Les, I’ve read a full seven hundred pages of this script and there’s NO SIGN of a plot!”
Les: “Plot? But I’m telling you what ACTUALLY HAPPENED!”
Ann: “You should tell me what happened that people would actually CARE about. Oh, and what’s the deal with all these endless scenes of characters going from room to room, opening letters, clearing their throat, looking at bricks?!? It’s KILLING me!”
Les: “B-but…I’m an AUTHOR! I write only a quarter of an inch removed from reality!”
Ann: “That reminds me…a talking cat? What is your damage, Les?”
Les: *fumes*
I’m thinking the rest of the script goes like this:
“Lisa takes out a pamphlet on breast Exams – camera zooms in on pamphlet – (note to self make sure this is going to be shot in 3-D otherwise pamphlet shot must be re-written)
Cut to Les sitting on sofa we hear his thoughts in voice over as narration as camera goes in for close up
Les: I knew something horrible was going to happen – I had been far too happy – but even I didn’t know just how much I was going to have to suffer.”
Lisa has never been anything but a plot device to show how noble Les is so why include her more than necessary in the film?
I had no idea that background character was supposed to be Funky Winkerbean, the principal character of this strip, until TFH likened him to Doug Funny.
Looks like Les finally was inspired and got relaxed enough to get to work. Guess when he “lit the cracker” he calls a spliff to celebrate 420 it did the trick!
The Hollywood Producer looks suspiciously like the old Westview Art Teacher. Was he laid off after levy failure and move to Hollywood, becoming a bigwig at Cable Entertainment? Or is the whole thing an elaborate art installation, in which Les is tricked into acting like a douche while being secretly filmed (possibly by Jinx or Jessica, who were supposed to be documentarians)?
ALL of the speculation on this site is leaps and bounds better than what will happen in the actual strip.
Tom Batiuk has a new commentor name over at the official site–it’s “Tom Wolf” and his is the very first comment on today’s strip.
I think the Tom Wolf comment is tongue in cheek.
In fact I noticed that every since registration started over there at Comics Kingdom, the “supportive” comments have fallen off almost to zero, while the Snark Remains the Same.
Makes me wonder how many sock puppets Batuik had over there.
Why is Les playing tackle football with his wife? And why is Harry Dinkle wearing a wig?
Geez I just read the comments at Comics Kingdom. Compared to those our comments are practically a love letter.
Maybe I’m from another planet, but we never played tackle football with girls. Here, Ray “Les” Lewis lays a bone crushing tackle on Not-Dead-Yet Lisa. A few months ago, Crayola laid Goatee Boy out with a lick worthy of the NFL Game of the Week. WTF?
Those photo album “corners” are there to ensure the scene is sappy a d maudlin enough.
The Les Moore Rules of Screenwriting:
1) Have no trust in the audiences ability to discern and infer meaning. Instead, baldly and persistently state the proper opinion (my own opinion) of course, on every page until there can be NO CHANCE of them coming to a different conclusion than me. See my recent essay: “Not Only Are All Jocks Bullies, But They’ll Burn in Hell, Too!”
2) The only information worth conveying is how talented, brilliant, handsome, funny, wise, honest, pure, and (of course) humble I, the author is. Every line, every scene, ever action must stop to dwell on the AUTHOR, the focal point, the Rajah, the SUN and center of the universe!
3) The Great Unwashed must be tolerated, but only so far as they agree with me and worship me.
4) Lisa, my wife, died of cancer.
5) I, Lisa’s wonderful husband, showed great heroism by dealing with life. That was the only thing necessary. DEALING with it. Proactive, positive people are evil, or in the very least stupid and crazy. My passive, pouty viewpoint on life is the ONE TRUE way to handle suffering. Even the slightest suggestion that my way was or is flawed must be rejected.
6) I give, Hollywood TAKES. Good thing I’m too pure and wise to be corrupted by all of the filthy, filthy money Ann keeps sending to me.
I believe Tom Batiuk still writes a “gag-a-day” comic. I read the comic and suppress my gag reflex when it occurs to me he actually gets paid a princely sum to “write” and “draw” this hack bullshit.
@ B.C….shouldn’t that be Tom Wolfe (who is a real writer?)
TFH: Yep, that’d be him all right, just as I remembered Hollywood Producer Guy….
“Les, baby, how’s life treatin’ ya? Oh, that’s great, but listen, bro, we gotta discuss a few things. I know you’re totally non-negotiable on the whole “Lisa dies at the end” thing, I got that and it’s all good. Problem is, though, I’m getting a f*ck-ton of flak from casting about Lisa’s haircut. Seems they can’t find an actress willing to commit to that ‘do, ya see? You gonna get into a snit again if we, you know, “girl” the character up by a few notches? Work with me here Leslie, bro. Another thing, the scene where the adopted guy opens the letter…any way we could re-write that so it’ll maybe move a little….faster? I mean Les, my man, I LOVE it as written-compelling f*ckin’ stuff- but ya know, these short attention spans today and all. That’s great, listen, gotta jet now, keep it up, future-Emmy winner! Oh yeah, my assistant asked me to tell you that Cayla doesn’t have to keep calling, we’ll mail the check asap, OK?”