Oh my, that Batiukian wit! See, if they smear Vaseline (REGISTERED TRADEMARK) on the camera lens, Cindy won’t appear so weathered, haggard and disgusting, thus she might be able to scrape out a few more undignified years of grunt work before she overdoses on pills and booze…in the apartment above Montoni’s, no doubt. Man, that is SO FUNNY and not just because it’s a contemporary issue like the ones you and I face every day, but because a once-beautiful TV personality who’s been told she’s not beautiful anymore…ha ha ha. How’s it feel now, little miss high school popularity queen, huh? Your god is a vengeful and spiteful god, Cindy.
Since being informed that she was being fired from her prestigious high-profile TV gig for showing signs of aging, Cindy has thus far managed to skulk back to her old high school haunt to find her ex-husband so she can sleep on his couch. Such a strong female character, eh? The only one of the lot to escape from the death grip of that God-forsaken town is back and she’s just like the rest of them: a weary, beaten husk of a human being sitting in that awful pizza place, exchanging wry banter about how shitty everything is. And she’s aged twenty years since she walked (much to Holly’s surprise) through the door. Just an absolute tour de force of human misery and woe. Take note, Pulitzer commitee.
Son of Stuck Funky 
In the movie Mame, Lucille Ball made ample use of soft focus in a desperate attempt to make her look younger than she was, an act that was only slightly less futile and pathetic than today’s attempt at humor.
Cindy was my favorite character because she and Chen were the only 2 to escape the death grip of Westview. Reminds me of these words from The Mothers (forgive me Frank Zappa)
Let’s Make The Cancer Come Back~ Lyrics
Now believe me when I tell you that my song is really true
I want everyone to listen and believe
It’s about some little people from a long time ago
And all the things the neighbors didn’t know
Early in the morning, Harry Dinky went to work
Selling lamps and chairs to San Ber’dino squares
And I still remember Holly with her apron and her pad
Feeding all the boys at Montoni’s
Owen saves his numies on a window in his room
A marvel to be seen, dysentery green
While Cody and his buddies had a game out in the back
Let’s make the cancer come back
We see them after school in a world of their own
To some it might seem creepy what they do
The neighbors on the right sat and watched them every night
I bet you’d do the same if they was you
Whizzing and pasting and pooting through the day
Cayla helping Leslie, helping burn his poots away
And all the while on a shelf in the shed
Les has Lisa creatures on display
Cory’s in the army now, and Summer’s taking pills
Oh, how they yearn to see a bomber burn
Color flashing, thunder crashing, dynamite machine
Wait till the fire turns green
Cindy returns to the town where she’ll always be a “10,” mainly because she hasn’t yet been cruelly maimed in a car accident.
Dianne Sawyer. Katie Couric. Barbara Walters. Hell, even Nancy Grace! Not to mention Megan Kelly and Rachel Maddow and Jennifer McCrowsfeet! and countless other middle aged to senior women on TV now. Tom Battic is so incredibly out of touch.
@The Diva: It was Rosalind Russell, not Lucille Ball.
Has ever a creator evinced so much hatred for that which he has created? So much so that he has to wither them, and beat them, and humiliate them, before finally annihilating them? Suddenly the movie “Prometheus” makes a whole lot more sense. In fact, I’d like to see a version of “Prometheus” where the intrepid explorers are played by the cast of Funky Winkerbean and the capricious “Engineer” aliens all have Tom Batiuk’s face. Oscars all around, I’m thinking, to go with that Pulitzer nomination.
I don’t even trust newscasters under 40. Under 30? Send them to report on the latest videogames on those Game networks.
@Aunt Fritzi, Rosalind Russell starred in “Auntie Mame”, Lucille Ball starred in “Mame”. I understand your confusion since I to have done my level best to forget that atrocious remake.
In the word of Harry Plinket for the third panel, “What’s wrong with your face?”
Perhaps Cindy would be a better newscaster if she didn’t talk out of the side of her mouth. She’s looks like she’s doing a bad Jimmy Cagney impersonation – “Seeee, nyeaaaa..”
When Cindy mentioned proper use of vaseline being essential to keeping her career..My mind went to a very dark, dark and disgusting place……
From: Your Editor [mailto:youreditor@kingfeatures.com]
Sent: Friday, March 07, 2014 8:08 AM
To: Tom Batiuk [mailto:lisaforever1235x@juno.com]
Cc: Chuck Ayers [mailto:3356 North Jackson St… wait a second]
Subject: Vaseline
Message:
Good morning Tom,
Today’s strip got me thinking, you should consider applying Vaseline to your scanner bed. Looking forward to seeing the results next year.
– Ed.
$WO$–something like this? Me too.
—$WO$–something like this? Me too.
Thanks, Wolf. You may have become the first person on the internet to create Funky Winkerbean deviant art. I don’t know whether to congratulate you or kill you! LOL!!
@Guest Page Turner Author: Exactly!
@sgtsaunders: Top o’ the world, ma!
I tried to stay away for a while, but the gravitational suck of FW pulled me back in. Dammit.
So a woman who was until recently a major network news anchor can’t afford a hotel room. One quarter inch from reality, everyone!
I wonder if Cindy is based off some popular girl that rejected Batiuk because she had better things to do than listen to him talk about comic books 24/7.
“I wonder if Cindy is based off some popular girl that rejected Batiuk because she had better things to do than listen to him talk about comic books 24/7.”
I’d say that’s a given.