If Batiuk would have us accept Jessica as a professional filmmaker, it might help to show her viewing the dailies on a video editing rig, rather than on the living room TV. “Candy Kane” steps up to take her posthumous whacks at the John Darling piñata.
18 thoughts on “Sour Candy”
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Son of Stuck Funky 
Boy Lisa isn’t even trying to hide his indifference as Candy Kane (duh) makes an appearance via the magic of VHS. In case you’ve already blocked last week out of your mind (and Lord knows I’ve tried), John Darling (who was Jessica’s father!) was a real dick, universally despised by his associates and coworkers and such. Just so we’re clear on it, Jessica’s father (John Darling) was a big jerk and everyone hated him (and they apparently still do). Got that?
Candy Kane…LOL. I recall her being mentioned not all that long ago, wasn’t she a WHS student at one time in an Act far, far away?
How kind and caring could her father have been, if he made her go through life with the name “Candy Kane”? (I refuse to believe she would have taken that as her married name.)
So at first, Candy Kane states that John Darling (Jessica’s father) was like the father she never had? Except that Candy Kane actually had a father? And. apparently he was a good father?
What an awkward and convoluted way to call John Darling, Skyler’s grandfather, a dick
This documentary may be the first celebrity roast done posthumously…and without the benefit of alcohol.
Video editing rig? Gee, she can’t even afford an exterminator for all of those roaches running around on the rug.
Try all you want TB, but Les will always be the biggest dick you created.
I honestly don’t know where this is going to go–clearly John Darling was an awful man, and clearly Jessica was unaware of this until now. I think if I were doing a documentary about a family member, and things were turning out this way, I’d abandon the project and go for something else.
Unless Jessica is going for a “Mommy Dearest” type of film…and I have to confess I really hate those sort of pee-on-the-dead books. Which I guess means Tom Batiuk wants to make Jessica more despicable?
Very rarely, almost never, do people rip a guy up in front of his family for being an asshole. Granted, maybe he was that bad, even though Les wrote a book about him and Batiuk did a comic strip about him…but this is not something you do all over his kids.
Batiuk’s “reality-based” strip is nowhere near that.
Darin: “So, who is this?”
Jess: “Tom Batiuk’s popular Funky Winkerbean made its debut on the comics pages in 1972 and today, appears in more than 400 newspapers worldwide. The cartoonist not only entertains teenagers and adults alike with his portrayal of the students and faculty at Westview High but has earned high marks for his sensitive treatment of important social and educational issues. His groundbreaking series on teen pregnancy, reading impairment dyslexia, teen suicide, teen dating abuse and breast cancer earned Batiuk high marks from fans, educators and community leaders. And because of the popularity of the Harry L. Dinkle character, “The World’s Greatest Band Leader,” the Funky characters became the first comic-strip stars to march in the Rose Bowl Parade.”
Darin: “…what?!?”
Jess: “That’s Candy Kane. She was an intern who worked for my dad, John Darling, who was murdered.”
Darin: “Pun-based name. Huh.”
Jess: “…Pun? Whatever do you mean?!?”
Darin: “Never mind, lets just play the clip on this flatscreen TV we rather suddenly own.”
Candy Kane: “John Darling, who was murdered, was BAD. A bad, bad, BAD person. BAD. Do you get what I’m saying? He sucked! I hated him. BAD. Bad, evil and wrong! I hope he’s in HELL!”
Darin: “Whoa. Jess, how does all these people ripping apart your father make you feel?”
Jess: “…well, I…*….say, have you ever noticed the panel avoids EVER showing my reaction to these rants?”
Darin: “I suppose that’s Tom admitting that a -real- person would either be grieving or had given up by this point.”
Jess: “That or he’s admitting he has no real interest in my character, he just really felt like reminding everybody that JOHN DARLING was something that existed!”
Darin: “So, um, next clip?”
Jess: “Sure, yeah, why not?”
It’s at times like this that I start to think that maybe Batiuk had an adverse reaction to either the anesthetic they used when they operated on him or the chemo drugs he was on. Before that, even HE would have known that John Darling’s co-workers would let his dickish stupidity die with him and not make the man’s daughter pay for his sins.
I’m astonished that Jess’s antique camcorder has anything better than a 4:3 aspect ratio.
From what little I remember about the comic strip masterpiece “John Darling,” (which was about Jessica’s dad, John Darling,) was that the main character was egotistical, vain, and a little dim. Now he’s been revised into a cruel, puppy-kicking, old lady-beating, a$$hole. Now THAT’S a comic strip I’d be interested in!
Unfortunately for Jessica, “Despicable Me” is already taken as a movie title.
So, tomorrow do we get to meet Candy’s kids, Harry, Raisin, and Joaquin?
So, apparently, not only was John Darling (dad of Jessica) a dick, but pretty much everyone who was associated with him was also a dick. This is the kind of story arc that makes you pine for Starbuck Jones.
Who, other than Batiuk, would use the phrase in this manner? Who goes around saying an awful person was “the father I never had” when the person was not a father figure in the first place? Mr. Batiuk is so desperate to get in word play that he has characters say things the no real person would ever say.
—-Does anyone else remember the short-lived TV series Buffalo Bill?—–
Yes! I do! Dabney Coleman was basically playing the same type of role in 9 to 5, only he was a talk show host.
The younger generation does not know the brilliance that was Dabney Coleman.
Whoever was the real life inspiration for John Darling must have really done something to TomBat