No Gain, All Pain

Paul Jones
December 27, 2014 at 1:39 am
Great. Not only is he a glutton who uses regionalisms like sitting on my mind, he’s turning into Ed Crankshaft.

Take away the ballcap and glasses and yes, you do begin to see a bit of a resemblance. Of course, thanks to the time gap ‘twixt Centerville and Westview, no one would mistake the old-beyond-his-years Funkman for the now-decrepit Ed Crankshaft.

With a new year starting in a couple of days, the Funkman carries on his Sisyphean struggles versus his weight. Yesterday we saw him buying new running shoes, and today he puts the bathroom scale through a punishing test.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

26 responses to “No Gain, All Pain

  1. SpacemanSpiff85

    If his trainer said “Funky, you need to consolidate your gains”, then I’m guessing that the gym TVs are tuned to Fox Business, and she really doesn’t give a crap, if she’s not giving a dope like him more concrete advice.

  2. Christmas is over, meaning Corey has been consigned back into the netherworld where everyone in the strip’s younger generation wait until someone bothers to think about them again.

  3. Nathan Obral

    I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Batom® is slowly morphing Groovy Blinkerlegume into a clone of Crankshaft. The Funk Man is already spouting off the same malaporps, and Chuck Ayers has occasionally assisted with penciling for the strip.

    But is that really Crankshaft that was speaking to St. Les the Righteous Smirker and St. Summer the Invisible Golden Flash? After all, Ed has seen his future self before…

  4. Nathan Obral

    “My personal trainer wanted me to consolidate my gains over the holidays…”

    Yes, Funky, your personal trainer actually wants to help you.

  5. Gyre

    We get it, he’s fat!

    And Nathan, that one is funny. True, I did criticize it for making no sense, but that’s because it was so alien to what FW is. On its own, it’s really funny. It’s just that in FW, it’s what Doug Walker calls a Big Lipped Alligator Moment.

  6. Gyre

    Not to make it sound like you’re an idiot, sorry for the sound of it. I accidentally clicked Post Comment before I could finish going over the comment.

  7. Epicus Doomus

    By my unofficial count, this is the seventh “Funky is fat” arc of 2014. I’m counting all arcs centered around exercise and/or how fat he is. Ladies and gentlemen, your winner of the annual “trope TB is running into the ground” award for 2014.

    And since I’m in a year-end mood, my choice of worst non-Les arc of the year. The nominees are: Starbuck Jones, Plantman/Barbie, the DUI saga and Wally gets married. My pick…Plantman, by a John Darling nose over the interminable SJ saga. The strip where Jessica retrieves a tripod from her car trunk was 2014’s single most useless FW strip.

    And now let us take a moment to remember those characters we lost in 2014….(picture of Khan appears on screen followed by smattering of polite applause).

    Seriously though, he really leaned on the Winkerbeans this year, based on a quick scan it looks like they appeared in a solid 2/3rds of this year’s strips. Seemed like more, too, didn’t it?

  8. Nathan Obral

    @Gyre: It’s all good. 🙂 No worries.

    @Epicus Doomus: I also want to nominate both the “Bull inserts sixth-year junior Owen into a game as a WR dressed as the Scapegoat, and no one cared” arc (which I consider seperate from the DUI disaster) and the “Batom®’s random pictures of Funky in an airport and flying while getting an email from Dr. Chill” arc.

    And anyone notice that Holly didn’t give Corey the Starbuck Jones collection she lucked into completing? With the way that Dick Tracy’s continuity has been turning the past few days, I’m getting the feeling that SJ will figure heavily into the DT/FW crossover. Fortunately, Staton/Curtis may be able to do more with that concept in one strip than what Batom® has done in this entire year.

    As for the Rachel and Wally wedding arc, to their credit, neither of them have been seen in the strip since their wedding. And for their sake, I hope that they never appear in FW ever again.

    But my vote is for the “My Father, John Darling” arc. No question, that was simply horrendous and utterly pointless, and pretty much killed Jessica’s “career” as a filmmaker (thank God!).

  9. Rusty

    How about Les goes to Hollywood, only to make sure that his time there was entirely wasted?

  10. ComicTrek

    First panel. Funky’s face. That just sums up the feel of the entire strip, doesn’t it.

    @Nathan Obral: Great balls of fire!!! A FUNNY Winkerbean!! 😀

    @Everyone: Yeah, my vote’s for the JD/Plantman/Barbie arc, too. As I read the JD strips on GoogleNewspapers (will post links if you wish), then looked back at that terrible, horrible excuse for a “story” taking place in the modern FW, that left me feeling angry, offended, and utterly disgusted. John (well, nobody really) would not *ever*–EVER!!!–act in such a saccharine, sappy way toward *anybody* or make such a mockery of the English language! I know I’m ranting. And I’m really sorry. But that left me fuming. Especially considering the fact that the real JD strip was so cool and funny. And BatOuttaHeck decides to callously kill the guy in cold blood instead of being mature and trying to reason with the syndicate. I like to say it didn’t happen. But over in today’s FW world, was JD’s memory treated with respect? A million times, NO! We all saw what happened. “Nice job, Jess…” MY FOOT!! That was *horrible*, even by regular Batiukian standards. 😡

  11. Epicus Doomus

    Les arcs are in their own special category and it’s always an all-way tie for first.

  12. After another horrible year in which the younger characters are ignored so that we can focus on the ‘young adults’ deal with ‘young adult’ problems like prostate screening, kill fees, DUI and improbable comic hunts, we get a warning that yes, 2015 will be more of the same.

  13. Saturnino

    “I’m getting the feeling that SJ will figure heavily into the DT/FW crossover”

    But it really won’t be over until Ted McGinley shows up as a guest shot

  14. merrypookster

    …..not to forget CW’s gf, Private Rocky? MIA

  15. Today’s episode would be funny if it was in another comic strip. BC, or Zits, or almost anything else. As it is, it just seems to illustrate the hatred Tom Batiuk has for his title character, which kinda knocks the “funny” out of it.

  16. Flummoxicated

    Several studies show that people on average gain one pound over the holidays. So here’s this guy who jogs all the time yet continues to gain weight. Hilarious!

  17. billytheskink

    Not the worst, but 2014’s special “story arc to nowhere” award has got to go to Cindy’s dismissal from ABC’s national news and subsequent return to Ohio.

    Did TB really bring Cindy to Cleveland so she could appear less often than she did when she worked in New York? Yeah, probably.

  18. Nathan Obral

    @billytheskink: Cindy’s storyline was rendered even more absurd when Diane Sawyer – a full 20 years older than Cindy – retired from ABC News by her own volition six months later.

    Yes, an actual network news anchor – Russ Mitchell of CBS News – left CBS to join Cleveland’s NBC affiliate after he was passed over for the “CBS Evening News” anchor role. But he went to Cleveland on his own accord. If Batom® was trying to base this storyline on that occurrence, he failed miserably.

  19. DOlz

    @Nathan Obral, “…he failed miserably.” The Batom® company motto.

  20. Nathan Obral

    @Saturnino: “But it really won’t be over until Ted McGinley shows up as a guest shot”

    Not even Jefferson D’Arcy can save Starbuck Jones.

  21. Epicus Doomus

    I don’t understand what he’s doing with the SJ collection arc either. I kind of thought that giving the complete collection to Corporal Cory was the whole point of it, but I guess not. Xmas week seemed like the natural time to wrap that up, at least to me, but I mostly think like a regular person, not a comic strip writer.

    I went with the Plantman arc as the worst non-Les arc of the year mostly because of the final week of it where JD endlessly repeated the word “Barbie” until it lost all meaning. But anyone could choose any other FW arc as the year’s worst with no argument from me.

    I forgot all about the “Cindy is old” arc, another FW story line that was ultimately totally pointless. I assumed she’d somehow come into play in one of the other Winkerbean arcs but other than the helicopter crash arc she was a non-factor (and she served no real purpose in that one either). I guess TB assumed she was just too happy and successful in NYC thus he needed to put a stop to it.

  22. Hadda Mae Kapupe

    Has anyone else nominated “consolidate my (weight) gains” for the BatDicktionary? I have never in my life heard that phrase in that context. And it’s not another stupid Ohioism, like starting a sentence with “anymore,” or “sitting on my mind.” It’s yet another example of what Batty writes when he’s not getting enough sleep. He’ll think of some kind of punchline, then throw in some oddly-forced setup. But I’m sorry — this one makes no sense at all.

  23. Starbuck Jones will return when we see Mason Jarr on set, unhappy with the script he’s got. He’ll say, “No, no, this is all wrong! There’s no feeling, no depth! I don’t know how we ended up with this script…” (Smirk ellipsis) “…but I know just the guy who can begin it again.”

    And he’ll call Les Moore.

    Think that’s an idiotic and contrived scenario? Ladies and gents, I give you Funky Winkerbean.

  24. bad wolf

    The Starbuck Jones arc may be disqualified for 2014, as it began in fall 2013 (at the time i optimistically thought it could finish that Christmas! hard to imagine i was ever so naive…) and looks like it will not end until at least early 2015. Yikes.

  25. Nathan Obral

    @beckoningchasm: Sadly, that makes perfect sense to me. But in no way would Batom® be that descriptive… he’ll just send St. Les the Righteous Smirker back out to La-La Land without any explanation or purpose. And it will only be revealed after weeks of a detestable St. Les gloating about his next “big project” alongside Depression Cat and his annual apparition of St. Lisa the Cancer Chew Toy.

    It’s called writing.