Link To Today’s Silliness
Uh, no Les, you moron, it isn’t really a “long story” at all. Cindy is out in La-La Land Buddyblogging and boinking Mason Jarr, so she couldn’t do it. That’s it. One sentence. And why the f*ck is he sulking again already? He did nothing, Bull just pulled his ass out of the fire and exactly one second later he’s pouting and moping again. What. A. Dick.
“Why sure, Les. I’ll screw over the kids in my basketball camp so you don’t look like a complete moron! Their parent’s checks have already cleared!”. I think he would have agreed to just about anything there. “Why sure Les, you can use the gym for your gun show/pornography convention/legal highs symposium/wife’s funeral!”. I mean don’t they need to run this scheme by someone with a little actual authority in the school district? They’re always complaining about their budget shortfalls but they’re always playing fast and loose with WHS resources too. There’s a sort of arrogance about it all that probably explains why the Westviewian locals are always shooting down the school levy every year, you know? And that f*cking Les is almost always behind it all, too.
Coming next week: The anxiously-awaited reunion ends in tragedy as Mary Sue and Funky collide in a dimly-lit section of the gym and ninety-four souls are lost. The survivors envy the dead. An inquiry reveals that WHS’ liability insurance does not cover unauthorized gym events and the town is forced into bankruptcy. Bull somehow remains as athletic director, though.
Son of Stuck Funky 
So Les just waited until the next morning to ask Bull about this? He couldn’t just call, or God forbid, e-mail him or send a Facebook message?
That’s one of the most unintentionally hilarious things about FW to me. How Batiuk would do this regular series of strips about how important teachers are, and how they never have enough money or appreciation. And then all his teachers or either obnoxious jackasses like Les, Linda, and Jim, or barely functional morons like Bull. Any money at all that school gets is too much. The only three students we ever see have been juniors for five-plus years. If a school system employs Les Moore and takes at least eight years to graduate its students, it really should be put out of its misery.
“Cindy asked me to.” Four words. If that’s what Les considers a long story, it’s a miracle he’s managed to write anything.
Well, In Les’ defense–and God help me if I ever type those words again–when I have to deal with something whereby a client has to do something they’d rather not–I often find it’s best to talk to them in person. It helps to give that personal touch.
As for this strip, though, the universe conspires to make Les weep while stacking all the cards in his favor. What a truly despicable man. Yet the universe revolves around him.
Wouldn’t it be great if the syndicate started reading the strip, spit expensive coffee through their noses, and replaced Mr. Batiuk with another team? We could hope for so much. Having Les killed with a micro-meteorite through the forehead is obviously out of the question, but damn we could dream.
Tom Batiuk–the Man Who Killed The Dream. That’s a pretty good slogan, I think.
St. Les the Righteous Smirker is SO goddam punchable today, I want to drive down to Medina and punch Batom® instead.
@beckoningchasm: Its fairly obvious that no one reads Funky Winkerbean besides us. There is absolutely no justification for any client newspaper to carry the strip, and has been proven, there is zero demand for any of Batom®’s book collections, even in his own backyard. No one really cares about him, and he can swindle a ton of cash from the Hearst family uncontested.
What’s worse is that there’s still a stupid conflict ahead because of Cindy’s hatred of having the damned thing in a school gym like a normal mortal. Having everyone praise Les for doing his job would probably be where Batom ticks “Punish Cindy for being popular and make it stick” of his to-do list.
I think we should start spreading the use of the adjective “Batiukian” to describe Tom’s style of writing. I’m sure he’s dreamed of that. People use the terms Faulknerian, Orwellian, Dickensian, Shakespearean. Batiukian writing is when the writer intends for his audience to receive a character or plot in the exact opposite manner in which they’re actually received, and is totally oblivious to this. Like how he thinks Les is a grand, tragic hero. Or how he thinks the Westview faculty is noble and hard working. Or how he no doubt thinks Comic Book John is cool and interesting.
I’m trying to think of other examples, but seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever come across another writer who was so oblivious to how his writing comes off. I was thinking maybe Ed Wood-esque B-Movies, but the creators of those never berated you with how they were supposed to be art.
“Wouldn’t it be great if the syndicate started reading the strip, spit expensive coffee through their noses, and replaced Mr. Batiuk with another team?”
Like I said before, let US write the strip.
If I wrote it, I’d have Les constantly being killed, similar to Kenny in South Park.
How did Bull not know that Les was in charge of the reunion and planning it. People in Akron knew about due to the constant whining.
Speaking of “Batiukian” writing (@SpacemanSpiff85): The thing that really struck me in that puffy Akron Buzz interview is the bit where he explained why he brought in Chuck Ayers to draw Crankshaft. “I’m slow,” he began.
He really could have stopped right there, but he continued by explaining that, for him, drawing is hard, but writing is easy. I nearly fell off my chair.
Bull: “Just one question, Les. You say that you’re ‘in charge’ of the class reunion, but from the sound of things everyone, including me, are the ones actually doing the work. So what exactly are you ‘in charge’ of again?”
Les: “SHUT UP, that’s what!”
Bull: “Yeesh. I liked it better when I was your former bully and not your secret best friend who ‘took care’ of you.”
Les: “Hmmph! I guess there -were- some children left behind! When you’re ready to beg my forgiveness and kiss my feet, I’ll be at the Taj-MOORE-Hal, swinging on the porch!”
Bull: “….um, yeah. I totally feel guilty and stu-BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
Les: *fumes*
When a writer’s name becomes an adjective, he’s considered to have truly arrived.
H.P. Lovecraft was mostly unknown during his lifetime and is a controversial figure today, but using the word “Lovecraftian” clues everyone immediately as to the type of horror a story is trying to evoke.
From now on, I will use ‘Batiukian’ as y’all describe…for those stories where the author is dead set convinced he’s written things black, but all the readers can see is pale bone white.
Speaking of horror, I see Bull fell into a wormhole and was replaced by his more youthful, brown-haired counterpart again. <_<;
@oddnoc, “He really could have stopped right there, but he continued by explaining that, for him, drawing is hard, but writing is easy. I nearly fell off my chair.”
TB is the poster child for the Dunning–Kruger effect.
oddnoc: There are two Batiuks. There’s the one he describes during his interviews aka the “fake” one, then there’s the one who “writes” FW, the “real” one. His fictional persona always goes unchecked, as no one who interviews him has ever read the strip more than once. Listening to him describe himself you’d think that FW was some sprawling, well-written epic featuring all sorts of “realistic” plot twists and fully-realized characters. If you didn’t know better, that is.
I’ve always assumed that the drawing is by far the most difficult part, given how it’s pretty obvious that he “writes” a year’s worth of strips in (my estimate) a few hours. But if he says otherwise, then by God it must be true.
I usually use “Batiukian” whenever I encounter something in the strip that couldn’t possibly have sprung from the mind of anyone else. Gigantic continuity lapses, shameless self-promotion disguised as heart-string-tugging pathos and, of course, endless layers of terrible wordplay. If I was pressed for a real definition, I’d say….
Batiukian: a style of comic strip writing marked by a reliance on atrocious stupid puns and feeble, disinteresting tropes.