Ham Handed

The ass-lathering continues today as Kablichnick steps up to the plate. The normally dour and cranky science teacher positively gushes about how Starbuck Jones inspired him: “Follow our hearts”? “Do what we love”? “Succeed“? Teacher, please. When it comes to unbridled contempt  for one’s students, Jim Kablichnick makes Les Moore look like Mr. Chips. The only thing he loves about his job is the opportunity it provides for him to spout his views on climate change, interspersed with painfully unfunny “jokes.”  Cliff expresses his surprise at meeting someone gullible enough to have bought his line of hokum. And we all know about the Ovaltine, but do the Junior (hah!) Spacemen of America employ some kind of secret handshake? It looks like the ol’ Commodore greets his fans by grasping their clenched fists.


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

21 responses to “Ham Handed

  1. Epicus Doomus

    “Gee Mr. Anger, the way you did your own stunts/swung from that spaceship one-handed/reacted when you thought your beloved Jupiter had died/survived that Gromulan prisoner or war camp/wore that chullo under your space helmet really helped me when I discovered athletics/lost my arm/my wife died/was in that prisoner of war camp/decided to wear this dumb hat all the time”. Hey, why not? Bring ’em all on. “How Comic Book Heroes Saved Me” stories for everyone!

    “Gee Mr. Anger, remembering how you used to minimize Jupiter Moon in your old films really helped me cope after I married Les.”

    “Gee Mr. Anger, your old films sure did comfort me right before I died.”

    “Gee Mr. Anger, I wasn’t sure I was cut out to be a service dog until I remembered seeing your old sidekick in those old movies I watched as a pup.”

    “Gee Mr. Anger, I haven’t seen Darin in weeks. Is he still working on that movie? I’m concerned.”

    “Gee Mr. Anger, if you see my wife please don’t tell her they laid me off, OK?”

  2. HeyItsDave

    “Hi, Mr. Anger, I’m a science teacher who has never before even mentioned Starbuck Jones but now I can reveal to you that YOU PERSONALLY were the reason I became a teacher.”

    Bullshit get piled deeper in FW every day.

  3. spacemanspiff85

    “How did I inspire you, when you look to be the same age as me, if not older?”

  4. How many males in Westview DON’T worship Starbuck Jones and/or comics? About the only one I can think of is Harry–well, maybe Nate. Batiuk needs a life.

  5. billytheskink

    Cliff is going to be disappointed when he finally hits the convention circuit and finds out that very few of the attendees are effusive Mark Twain cosplayers.

  6. Anybody else find it creepy/sad that Batiuk is spending this much time devoted to people praising the influence of his fictional property? I feel like I’m watching Norma Desmond convincing herself that there’s a whole legion of people waiting for her to return to the screen.

  7. Here, we have Science Snob Jim Explosionofhairandconsonants drinking the Ovaltine despite the fact that his new god is an angry idiot. On the other side, Crankshaft not much liking karma.

  8. Rusty Shackleford

    Ah, Jimmy K, a big fish in a small pond.

    Teaching kids by having them memorize facts is not a career in science.

  9. Gerard Plourde

    If I recall correctly, Funky owned a copy of the first issue of the Starbuck Jones comic the sale of which paid the outstanding medical bill from his car accident. How all of that fits in with this is anyone’s guess since continuity is the last thing on Batty’s mind. To think he claims to work these story lines out a year in advance strains credulity

  10. A HREF

    “Nailed it! Take that Marvel Cinematic Universe and Nolan Brothers!” TB thought balloons to himself while imagining himself running the bases on a teeny-tiny baseball field.

  11. Now all we need is for the Funkmeister to show up and tell Cliff his character drove him to drink…

  12. @Gerard Plourde: That’s what I can never understand… If you’re going to have an opportunity to tell your past self information that he could profit greatly from later, wouldn’t it be a bit more substantial than one issue of one comic book??

  13. HeyItsDave

    “Secret handshake” is really giving too much credit to a guy who just can’t draw a real handshake.

  14. HeyItsDave

    @hitorque – What would you tell your past self? “Buy that comic book.” “Stay in school.” “Don’t worry so much about blah blah blah…” Screw all of that, if I went back and met my past self, I’d give me the winning numbers for a high-jackpot lottery drawing.

  15. So, so baffling. I mean, it’s pretty well known what serials actually were, right? And what a rocket to enduring mega-fame they invariably were? Here’s an exercise: go to imdb, look up the most famous serials you can think of (this means doing 5 seconds of research), and then try to imagine a whole city, or hell a whole neighborhood, or hell even the three or four strangest people you know, being over the flippin’ moon at the prospect of meeting: RALPH BYRD!! Or CHARLES QUIGLEY!!! Setting aside the fact that they’re all long dead, since these people who had acting careers in the 40s were born around 1908.

  16. @HeyItsDave: Easy.. Which sporting events to bet the house on, and which tech stocks to buy…


    I’m a huge fan of the character of Indiana Jones. Have been ever since I saw the movies. I’m also a huge fan of the James Bond movies. I like all the actors that played him. I can tell you right now, that there’s not a damn thing Harrison Ford, Sean Connery or Roger Moore did to inspire me! I just like the movies and the characters. You know who did inspire me…..real life people!!!!!!!!!!

  18. That’s not a handshake…

  19. Professor Fate

    We are surprised that there isn’t a graven image of Starbuck Jones in the center of Town in Westville to which a selected Freshman is offered by the senior class and teachers as a ritual sacrifice at the end of the semester (now there’s a bully arc with legs).
    But seriously how is this a story? There isn’t conflict there isn’t even the slightest hint that perhaps teaching science to the children of Westville wasn’t this guy’s first choice nor how moping for SIXTY YEARS in New York over how badly Hollywood treated Cliff fits this ‘do what you love’ gibberish.
    What this does feel like is wish fulfillment on behalf of the Author- I can’t imagine anybody coming up to him when he’s signing Lisa’s Story and saying ‘Thanks you inspired me to stop chemo and die like god intended.”
    it’s more than a little creepy.

  20. ComicBookHarriet

    @Westview Oncologist.

    Harrison Ford sure inspired me. You could say he changed my life. Thanks to him I have unrealistic expectations of men and their feelings (i.e that they express them only through smirks and stares, rather than whinging and blubbering.) that have kept me single my entire adolescent to adult life.

    Meh, as long as Harrison’s alive…anyone else would feel like cheating.

  21. Rusty Shackleford

    Thanks Batty. You taught me that the newspapers are a fraud. That the syndicates are gatekeepers that protect the established and shun anything new.